Coaching Wife to Avoid Infidelity

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Oct 14, 2005.

  1. Logger

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    I took the position on another thread, that expecting a wife to be faithful is not something that should be taken for granted, but is rather a dynamic that bears monitoting, and enhancement on occasion. My comments seemed to be off-topic for the Coppaho thread. I looked at other threads, and other Marriage Forum thread Titles, and this subject seemed not to be covered in detail.

    I have some loose thoughts, but I will try to be more coherent later.

    Ideas?
     
  2. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    Trust and love are the actual issues, not fidelity.

    If you feel that you must coach, monitor or enhance the fidelity of your spouse there is a deeper fault in the relationship which bears additional scrutiny.

    Infidelity does not happen only for the thrill of it; it is nearly always symptomatic of a deeper problem, with which party I cannot say because it varies.

    In my own experience, I have never been married, but have been in long term monogamous relationships. In a previous relationship I was unfaithful on several occasions, I later found that I truly was not in love with my principal partner and dissolved the relationship. I am not saying I was correct in being unfaithful, but I was correct in my self assessment of the situation and my action to correct it, not willing to put a partner I respected (though did not love) through the fight over infidelity.

    Had he "coached" me earlier I believe I would have come to my conclusion earlier and the relationship would not have lasted 11 months.
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Kbate,

    Thanks for your feedback,

    By coacing, I include a number of activities that might be beyond the ordinary definiton of COACHING.

    Here is a good link to the Love Diet, which means giving attention to my wife, in positive manners.

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?p=18050#post18050

    I did send for some books on compliments, as I have fallen short of expressing the appreciation that I feel in my heart.

    I have been taking my wife out to lunch more often. I have been attempting to build up her confidence to be a more assertive coach for our College Son.

    The other issue in Boundaries concepts, is that a husband should be respectful to his wife's comfort zone on boundaries. I have personally expressed my resnetment toward my wife by staying at work late, goofing around on the internet, but that was making her feel uncomfortable, so I am trying to get my work finished earlier, so I don't get caught short because of taking a break on the internet.

    Cloud and Townsend Boundaries References:
    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?p=14865#post14865

    Another area I have been short in, is fining compromises for W and I to spend more time together. I did find a Bible study group in a Bible church, which does not add in Abortion under the Commandment, Thou Shall Not Kill. We went for the first time to the group, last week, and I managed to behave myself, fairly well, but my wife got loud with her conservative teachings. As we get thrown out of one Bible study group, I suppose I can just go looking for another.

    I guess this thread shows some areas where I could do better.

    Ideas?
     
    #3 Logger, Oct 16, 2005
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2005
  4. Logger

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    Expressions of appreciation, desire, and satisfaction during foreplay and lovemaking.

    Your curves have a gracious shake.

    Your nipples are really standing up.

    Your energy is really exciting my tip.

    Your clit is really getting firm.

    Your arm muscles are really broadcasting encouragement to my hips.



    ideas.
     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Kbate,

    Thanks for sharing your personal experience with infidelity. Perhaps the relationship which failed to keep you interested in fidelity, would be Reason b, which was the relationship was not sufficient in the total dynamics to give you assurances that there was not a better deal out there.

    Radical Honesty is a good, general principle. Everyone makes exceptions from time to time.

    Maybe one exception I could ask from my wife, is to keep all pre-marital and extra-marital sexual encounters secret. I think I would prefer not knowing.

    The easiest way to keep an affair secret, is don't have one.

    POSSIBLE REASONS FOR MY WIFE'S AFFAIR:


    Wife Reason a. One motivation for an affair may be a Polarity Response. That is doing the opposite of what she is supposed to do.

    There may be one or several factors kicking in a Polarity Response. One factor may be my wife fails to control here impulsively adopting increased expectations, in one aspect of marriage or another. If my wife were able to take the overall marriage into account, on a consistent basis, her slicing out a category for intense attention, might be shortened or reduced. Since my wife more than occasionally goes of f on a tangent of overemphasis, she sometimes has the view of my being an inadequate husband.

    Possible Senator Leadership Retort to W: "Please change your focus from Inadequacy A, and describe an advantage of your marriage, in a different viewpoint. Describe another advantage, in another different viewpoint."

    W Reason b. Another Possible motivation could be that my wife is feeling that she cannot depend upon my resources to fulfill the expectations she has for Life. Therefore, she needs to keep trying to hook some other guy, who she envisions as better able to meet her desires for time, attention and riches.

    W Reason c. Another possibility is that my wife is simply a sucker for a reasonably good line. So when somebody comes along with a good story, she falls out of the marriage cart.

    W Reason d. Another possibility is that I am poorly suited for my wife, as a husband, and the marriage will continue to experience trouble.

    W Reason e. Another possibility is the my wife and I have a dynamically passionate relationship, which involves highs and lows, and to find the highs that I have with my wife, I am going to have to figure on some lows. The alternative being to find a wife whom I love less intensely, yet who will be better able to walk the line.

    UNDERLYING CHEATING BELIEFS:

    Some affairs by a wife could have different meanings, and be based upon different possible beliefs.

    Wife's Belief 1: My husband will understand that I still intend to give my husband a lot of love in the future, and the actual love in the past, plus the anticipation of my Love in th future will create forgiveness for me.

    W Belief 2: Since my indiscretions will never be discovered, there is no reason for my husband to decrease his love and trust for me.

    Husband Belief A: I can rely upon my wife to always be faithful to me.

    H Belief: B: I have trust in my wife's emotional devotion to me, so that if my wife has Sexual encounters with others, behind my back, there is still an emotional attachment that I can trust from my wife.

    H Belief C: I have trust in my wife's emotional devotion to me, so that if my wife has emotional and sexual encounters, behind my back, that I can still rely upon an emotional attachment to me, from my wife.

    H Belief D: I have faith in my wife's emotional attachment to me, for the future, and I would prefer that she keep any emotional or sexual encounters with others, in secret, as much as possible, so that I have less to explain to the children, and my friends and relatives.

    H Belief E: I have faith in my wife's emotional attachment to me, and her enjoyment of sex with others does not diminish my wife's commitment to me, and out marriage.

    H Belief F: I believe my openness to discuss my wife's sexual desires and encounters with others makes our marriage stronger, and based more upon reality.

    Ideas?
     
  6. dave_30

    dave_30 New Member

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    personaly if she cheets then thats it.. I am gone.. And i would expect that from her.

    I equate cheeters as less then pond scum.. Really ... You cheet i do not want to know you.. I walk a hard line yes.. But i expect the same from my partner.

    Cheeting... = NEVER and NEVER WILL
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Dave 30,

    Thanks for your response and your outlook.

    I am concerned about the future, more than the past.

    I asked my wife for ideas on assurances for the future. Wife started getting up tight. My wife may be a cake-eater, one who wants to stay married and have occasional side affairs.
     
  8. Logger

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    Loggers Rant to Wife:

    You are eating cake, and you are playing with the future for children and grandchildren. You are risking embarrassing me in front of them, and the ramifications of your hurting me, will be I will be gone. Any asssiteance for them will be killed by your cheating. You already have the children wondering, because you stay out late, and don't tel me where you are going. I don't think that is the main time you cheat, but you have already given your relatives and the children a substantial does of suspicion.

    Loggers Rant to College Son Living at Home:

    I suggest taht you get into a super respectful mode. I suggest that you support your mother in submitting to me. I suggest you speak carefully in respectfully about me.

    If your mother and I split, then you are a loser. Your mom cannot support and help you and the grandchildren, at her current level, without me. There are many people who want to play your mother for a sucker. Your mother says YES too often. Your best plan, is to support me, and my power. A man's power is a turn on to a woman. When you diminsh my power, it may seem like a neat trick, but the longer term results, are my diminished apperance of power to your mother, and your mother needs to respect me, and her disrespect may cause enough hurt in me, to break the camels back.

    Ideas?
     
  9. Logger

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    Loggers Imaginary Practice Proposed Phrases to Wife About the Future:

    You need to determine what you want for the future. At the moment, you have my hands, my tongue and a readiness to massage wherever you might desire. I stand ready to attempt to fulfill any of your desires. Look into the future, and see yourself lying on a comfortable bed, any time you mght wish. The marital bed is in a safe location, nto too cool, not too hot. See yourself with me, ready to try to assist in any ways you might imagine. See yourself one, two, five years from now, and feel my familiar hands and finger tips caressing your back muscles. Meeting your needs and sharing your concerns.

    You desire to have the best advantages for your children and grandchildren. You strive to keep you marriage vows to the father of your children, so that the allegiance of your husband remains strong. You see yourself being able to do more for your children and grandchildren with the support of your husband. You seek to avoid any train wrecks that might end you husband's devotion.

    Ideas?
     
    #9 Logger, Dec 5, 2005
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2005
  10. dave_30

    dave_30 New Member

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    Hum... Then make it clear that you wont stand for that sort of thing. Unless you are?

    I think it shouldnt be this hard... Its a clear case of trust

    ..Seems like you dont trust her.. Just my thoughts mind you
     
  11. Logger

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    Dear Dave,

    One reason this is hard, is because I realize I have not established a concept of happily ever after for my wife. In order to have teh best chance when I make a power play, I want to have the best light on the future. right now, I have neglected a descritpion of hte future.
     
  12. dave_30

    dave_30 New Member

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    Im sorry.. I am at a loss.. I do not see the issue.. clearly

    My advice is to seek profesional theripy.. A marrage counsiler

    Thats the best i can do mate.

    Good luck
     
  13. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I agree you cannot expect your wife to be faithful. However I do disagree with the terms monitoring and enhancement. A marriage is not a business that can be successfully managed or managed like a project. Instead I would say it needs constant communication, trust, acceptance, history, and ability to work through issues. It is an ongoing process and something that cannot be done periodically.