Cheating...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by fran.inga, Jul 18, 2008.

  1. fran.inga

    fran.inga New Member

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    Can a relationship be successful if one partner cheats and just keeps it a secret for as long as possible(like forever)?
     
  2. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

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    Well yes. If its kept a secret why would the other partner leave if they didnt know they were betrayed?

    But i must say...Sooner or later things inevitably do come out, you better have a good explanation later.
     
  3. Joe

    Joe
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    I think it depends on what you consider "successful". If it's a one-time thing, then I'd say yes, but if one is continually cheating, that's certainly not a successful relationship in my book, but one based on deceit.
     
  4. Dreama

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    Keeping stuff from your partner generally doesn't work out too well. Eventually, things come out...Maybe not this specific thing, but other things you keep from them will, if you're a frequent liar. A lot of times, if someone does something they don't want their partner to know about, they have a lot of things you don't want them to know about. I think that really sets a relationship up for hardship, if it's based on falsehoods. That's just me though...Take it or leave it.
     
  5. Green Eyes

    Green Eyes New Member

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    I have to say that the secret will more than likely come out, which will cause a lot more problems to have to try and work through the longer you keep the secret.

    Coming from experience, my SO cheated on me, broke up with me the following day, but lied about why he had broke up with me. We worked things out and a month later I had finally found out that he had cheated on me. Now for me the lying was the worst part, I would have been more understanding if he would have been honest with me in the first place.

    I always think that being honest in the first place, will get you more respect and understanding then if you continually lie. IMO.
     
  6. cbrmale

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    The majority of unfaithfulness is hidden within relationships, and only a minority feel the need to tell. There is not a 'sooner or later' or an inevitability to it. Most psychologists recommend not telling, unless you wish to end the relationship. We all have secrets from our partner: fears, desires, problems, anxieties, and we don't feel the need to unload everything. Extra-marital sex is another secret, if you wish it to be so.
     
  7. HuntersPrey

    HuntersPrey New Member

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    I AGREE
     
  8. loveit247

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    WTF! Condoning cheating and lying now! :eek
     
  9. cbrmale

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    The majority of unfaithfulness, which is about half of all relationships, is hidden within relationships, and only a minority feel the need to tell. Most who tell wish the relationship to end, which is why they tell their partners. Most don't feel the need because what is unknown cannot hurt.

    Monogamy or faithfulness has only been an expectation since the mid-Victorian era, mid-nineteenth century Britain. It's a very recent invention.
     
  10. loveit247

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    I don't care how, when or why, it is wrong and people should not stand for it. People who use that excuse of it being a new thing are FOS! If you love someone you do NOT screw around.
     
  11. Dreama

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    Ditto that, loveit.
     
  12. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I suppose it depends on a couple of things:

    1. What you consider to be a "successful" relationship. In my opinion, the fact that one partner has already strayed means that the relationship is no longer successful.

    3. How much of a guilty conscience you have. If you honestly feel no guilt over having cheated, then it's clear that you have no respect whatsoever for your partner. Maybe you did it for revenge or whatever reason. In any case, the relationship is doomed.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    There have been countless (beyond countless) relationships where extra-relationship sex without consent has happened, and the relationship has continued as if nothing happened. Sometimes it's discovered, sometimes it's not, and sometimes it's suspected but not really of any consequence. In the cases where it's discovered or suspected but not of any consequence, I would say that there's a lot of love involved. How many women would share their men with another woman, unless their feelings for that man are very special? And men who know they are sharing their women?

    I think this post is too broad. The opinions stated should be re-worded along the lines of 'if my partner strayed then I believe that my relationship was not successful' and 'if my partner cheated, then I would feel that my relationship was doomed'. Because in general terms, the approximate percentages of extra marital sex indicate that many successful relationships have unfaithfulness at some point, and such unfaithfulness doesn't doom the relationship at all.
     
  14. Dreama

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    If a person feels the need to cheat on their partner(a relationship beyond friendship, sexual, or otherwise), and lies about it (or omits the truth), the relationship (In my opinion) can't be successful. The relationship is built on lies, and eventually it would be more likely to fall apart. Houses of cards almost never stand for any meaningful amounts of time. If my husband cheated on me, I would be upset. If he swore that no cheating went on, or just didn't tell me and I eventually found out, it would be even more upsetting. I'd have much more respect for him if he was upfront about it, and would be more willing to work with him, because at least he wouldn't be a liar. I think I could live with being cheated on (everyone makes mistakes)-lying like that is something I couldn't ever live with.
     
  15. cbrmale

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    There is a difference between lying and not telling that which doesn't need to be known, which is what this is about. I would never lie about such a thing and indeed I didn't, but I wouldn't feel the need to tell unless asked.

    There are many tragic relationships out there: the person who doesn't put his partner at the forefront, the partner taking second place to family or friends, the couples who mistook friendship for something deeper only to realise that they don't really love each other, the couples who mistook infatuation for something deeper only to realise that they aren't really friends with each other. One that gets up my nose these days are the men who talk about 'my girlfriend', only for me to find out they (man and woman) have been living together for many years. She's a girlfriend? If I was that girlfriend, I would be really pissed off over such a lack of commitment. Taken for granted. Expected to be part of a relationship that's a lie for all to behold. There are many, many grey and ugly relationships out there.

    When I am being introspective, I sometimes think that intensity can come with a price. Not always, but sometimes. Say the intense man who loves his wife like no other can sometimes be the intense man who lives his life closer to a ragged edge. The same for some special passionate women, of course.

    There is a repetitive theme here that if he or she cheats, then there is something wrong with the relationship. Sometimes this is true and sometimes it is not, perhaps many times it is not. Another theme is that if he or she cheats, he or she doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes this may be the case, but from experience I know that you can truly love two people at the same time, and perhaps with more intensity than there was before. Cheating, therefore, doesn't imply loss of love, or broken anything. But this is like me trying to explain love to someone who hasn't loved.

    From the times of Arthur and Guenivere to today, there have been many women and many men who have been unfaithful but have been forgiven, because those women and men, although imperfect, have obviously been very special to their partners.
     
  16. Dreama

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    I'm sure the people that have been forgiven were very special to their partners. However, were the people who were cheated on being treated as though they were very special? Not if someone has to go behind your back to do something. I mean, I would feel as though someone would be given more respect if they were being told the truth about whatever it is, that makes a person want to cheat. I dunno...That's just me, though.
     
  17. FlirtyChick

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    She is so right. Cheating is not right, not once, not ever. Cheating and lying are hand in hand. If you love someone, you do not cheat. Cheating is bad enough, but keeping it secret is worse. Trust is important in a relationship, and to me all trust and confidence is destroyed with infidelity.
     
  18. FlirtyChick

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    The Bible suggests one husband, one wife, and that if your husband dies and you remarry you are an adultress. Also, numerous people from that time had multiple wives, cheated, one murdered because he cheated, had children out of marriage, yada yada. I think the concept of fidelity, not even basing it on religion, is evidenced by the thinking during the period(s) the Bible was authored, obviously centuries before the Mid-Victorian era. However, the Mid-Victorian era did much damage to some current sexual views,and was based primarily on legalism within religion. I think that faithfulness inside a significant relationship, one which is based upon mutual love and respect should be monagamous except for those situations where both partners agree to engage in sexual activities outside the marriage. Lying and cheating are not good principles. Yes, many do it, but there is no excuse for it except being of no moral character.
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed...human beings can and do make mistakes and/or bad choices. But, I just think we have to take responsibility for our mistakes and bad choices. If I had slipped and had an affair, I would much rather tell my wife myself than have her find it out from some other source...if I confessed, I'd see that as taking responsibility for my actions. It's a matter of trust, right? If someone lies to you (and does so purposefully), you obviously can't trust them. And I personally think trust is necessary to have a loving relationship.

    BD
     
  20. Mr. G

    Mr. G Member

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    Euhm.. I have so much stuff going trough my mind considering the subject that I have difficulties to get the words on the paper..

    I can't really see why would one cheat in a successful relationship in the first place. And when it still has happened, one should be honest about it. That's how I feel..

    I believe strongly that a good relationship is based on trust and honesty. If one keeps things like this from his/her partner ..well that's just dishonest to me.

    I wouldn't want my girlfriend to keep such a thing from me. And if it was me, I couldn't keep it from her. It would be killing me and all I could do would be trying to beg for forgiveness from her.

    After all I do believe it would better to try to rebuild the trust from a scratch than live in a deceive. That's what my moral says..

    ____________________________________________
    EDIT:
    Exactly!