Cheating

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by jiggy, Feb 27, 2005.

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  1. jiggy

    jiggy New Member

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    What would you consider cheating? Kissing someone else? Fantasizing about someone else? What if you were in a different contry than your significant other? Would that still be cheating? Opinions Please!
     
  2. FreeWithHisHand

    FreeWithHisHand New Member

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    Hi jiggy

    Personally I would say that doing anything from dating onwards would be cheating. (If you are serious about your current partner that is.) Even if you are in a different country or not.

    I am not sure if Fantasizing about others could really be considered cheating though.
     
  3. Attila

    Attila New Member

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    i think that when you become sexually physical with another person or want to be with another person, its cheating. and cheating is one thing that drives me insane.
     
  4. fantasien

    fantasien New Member

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    Insane like crazy insane?

    Anywho, i think that fantasising is not cheating because it's not taken into action. it's just a part of the mind trying to get aroused. I would have to agree with Attila as well. Your not cheating until you become sexually active with someone else and you have a committed relationship with someone else.
     
  5. Angel@Heart

    Angel@Heart New Member

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    I would say that fantasising is in no way cheating, but as has been said any form of physical interaction with someone is however.
     
  6. Logger

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    Dear Jiggy,

    Different cultures and different personalities have varying levels of tolerance for contact with potential lovers, other than your partner. My wife can get jealous in varying circumstances, depending upon her mood and what her friends have said to her recently.

    Cheating can be bad, in that it tends to create jealolusy, and destroy trust. Cheating would ordinarily involve some form of dishonesty, at least lying by omission. Dishonesty, if discovered, creates hurt and distrust, and temptations, to express anger and seek revenge.

    Even if cheating is not discovered, in the details, cheating may show through as guilt, or an unusual downward glance, that may just be perceived as sneaky, dishonest and untrustworthy.

    I personally try to avoid doing anything that I would expect to keep secret from my wife or family. Whether it is dancing with a woman, comforting a grieving wife of a friend, or giving an encouraging kiss of congratulations to a co-worker, are all borderline actions that could be viewed as cheating. If you are not going to tell your partner about giving the affection, then it probably cheating. If your partner would get angry, if your partner finds out, then it is probably cheating. Even some situations would not have been cheating, if disclosed early, but have been discovered only after ample time to disclose the event, and the dispaly of affection has been related from someone with sarcastic attitude, and your partner was hurt by the surprise, rather than by the degree of the insdiscretion.

    If a tree falls in the forest, and no one hears it fall, has the fallen tree made a sound? Some cheating is never discovered, and theoretically never hurts anyone. Some cheating is done without fully realizing the emotions involved, and the lesson learned helps the cheater, become a former cheater, and more trustworthy partner.

    Jesus is quoted as having said something to the effect that it is adultery in the heart, to LOOK at another woman with passion. To me, the passage means that adultery begins by forming the intent to pursue the seduction of a woman. So the lesson, to me, is that we should not begin the process of cheating. This means we should not form ideas of seduction of another, and if such an idea comes to us, we should make an effort to change and squash any such ideas.

    So fantacizing for the enjoyment of the fantasy, is not cheating. Fantacizing as part of planning a seduction, would be the start of cheating.

    So a question to ask, if you find your partner in an ambiguous situation, could be, "Were you ready to seduce that individual?" or, "Were you ready to allow yourself be seduced by that individual?" So the teaching of Jesus, is about the purity of our intentions, not about certain appearances of circumstances.

    Cheating has created a considerable amount of hurt, feelings of anger, and yearning for revenge. Avoiding cheating could be postively motivated just to avoid the hurt that discovery causes, and the revenge that might be levied by your partner, against you,

    Honesty is advocated for improving marriage partnerships. Even on swinging boards, honesty is considered important for wife swapping and sharing.

    But in reality, surveys show that cheating happens, so getting upset about it may be an emotional response that could make the situation worse, rather than better.

    The side of the question that is not asked, is what would you do if you discovered your partner had cheated? What if your partner still denied it? How do you tell if your partner is still covering up? Can a cheater change from being a cheater? How? How do you explain your partner's cheating to friends, family and children? Should you try to avoid friends, family and children from finding out?

    Blessings
     
    #6 Logger, Feb 28, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2005
  7. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    Cheating is commiting any act that your significant other would consider cheating.

    Kissing is fine if he/she OK's it
    Fucking is fine if he/she OK's it.

    A simple test to determine if an act is cheating:

    1 are you feeling in the least bit guilty or ashamed?
    2 Would you LIe to your SO about the act?
    3 IF your SO walked in, would he/she be angry?

    IF any answer is yes, you are cheating.
     
  8. Kisses

    Kisses New Member

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    I don't think fantasizing is cheating because you are not physically interacting with another person. But kissing, cuddling, screwing, I would say that is cheating.

    I would say that kbate's little teat is a good start to tell you if what you want to know is cheating.
     
  9. gynylon28

    gynylon28 New Member

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    I can't give advice but I can share a suggestion. When you find yourself trying to justify what you think and it causes any amount of guilt or soul sickness then what you are thinking is wrong. It's not the action that causes guilt, it's the motive. You will do and become what you think! It's difficult to listen to the space between impulse and action. That space is your conscience. You could resolve not to cheat but you are well aware of how resolve breaks down under the pressure of self centerdness. The person you cheat on may never find out. The person you offend and hurt most is yourself because you have to live with what you have done. Where ever you go there you are! There is no geographical cure and you take guilt and remorse to bed with you and you wake with them the following morning. Cheaters have a tendancy to terrorize themselves with their thoughts. They remain uncaught captives in the hands of their motives and actions. It's a miserable life to live with "What If?" I would suggest that if what you are thinking is causing even a small disturbance between what you believe is morally right and wrong then don't do it. I suggest you change your thinking! Also, most people are never sorry until they get caught. What most people don't see is they have been caught already by what they will have to live with. Please do not agree or disagree with what I say. This is only what works for me.
     
  10. Tex

    Tex New Member

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    In our circle of friends from, of all places, church, was woman who loved to flirt with me. Naturally I loved the attention and flirted back. I kept my wife apprised of our emails and conversations and assumed that she did the same with her husband, who was also a good friend.

    At some point this woman fairly directly asked if I would like to have an affair with her. As things had been rather hot in the emails, I had already discussed this possibility with my wife who had no objections (okay, we are old hippies and such things work for us.) When I told the woman that I would like that, as long as her husband was good with it, she freaked. He would never approve of such a thing. She also freaked that my wife was up to speed on our little romance.

    I told her that I would not be interested in being close with anyone who would be dishonest with her SO. So things cooled of and the emails stopped.

    Then a few weeks latter she and her husband were at our house for a dinner party with several other couples. They were the last to leave and we sat up talking. Finally my wife excused herself and went to bed, leaving just the three of us. Low and behold he started taking her cloths off and together they seduced me.

    I had a relationship with them – I was only sexual with her but he was always present – for several years. Finally, their relationship became unstable (largely due to her dishonesty in other areas of their life) and I stopped seeing them on that level.

    This may seem strange to most here, but it was a rather nice relationship. But in the end it was her dishonesty that got in the way of her relationship with her husband. The fact that we were having sex was not the issue. In fact they both agreed that their relationship with me had helped their marriage. It was also good for my primary relationship as it gave me others to talk intimately about relationship issues with. Though my wife never participated in the sexual aspect of the relationship, and basically did not like the woman for her dishonesty, she too found merit in the relationship.
     
  11. Logger

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    Dear Tex,

    Thanks for sharing. Cheating does occur with various cegrees of honesty/dishonesty. Sounds like things went OK in that situation.

    One point I did not make, is the concept of Standing. in the Bounadaries concept books of Cloud and Townsend, they suggest that to have the best chance taht your partner will observe request to not cheat, that it is best that you not give your partner the idea that cheating is OK with you.

    So since I want my wife to avoid fooling around, I keep my behavior in bounds. I also try to keep up appearances, so as not to indicate that I might be fooling around.

    Maybe I'm missing out on some fun, but I hope that my efforts to avoid temptation myself, pay dividents in my partner being faithful to me.

    Legally, a married person can do whatever their partner gives permission to do, or obtains forgiveness for. If I have permission to fool around, or my wife forgives me, for having fooled around in the past, then she cannot bring that adultery up as an issue in divorce, as I understand most state laws. Forgiveness can be making love again, after the discovery of an indiscretion, even if no formal or verbal forgiveness is asked for, or given.

    Blessings
     
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