Cheating your story?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ctown75, Apr 14, 2008.

  1. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    I would like to hear from people who have cheated.Why did you do it,how did you feel when it was happening and what was it like when it was over.Like the guy in the other post says a HUGE number of people are cheating so what is your story.

    I WOULD LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO RESPOND NOT TO BE SLAMMED SO PLEASE LET THEM TALK IF THEY HAVE THE COURAGE BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO BE EDUCATED.Please RESPECT THE POST EVEN IF IT IS A HOT ISSUE.If you feel the need to put somebody down PLEASE MOVE ON or get negative do it someplace else.
     
  2. cook74

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    A great idea for a thread ctown. I hope it works.
     
  3. Dreama

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    Slamming someone and disagreeing with their arguments are two different things. I'm not going to flame someone, but if they present an argument (not an experience, experiences are not arguments) I deem to be faulty, I'm probably going to challenge that. But, I will not put a person down because of the things they've done in the past. I hope that's alright. :)
     
  4. FlirtyChick

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    I don't know if this counts, but I cheated on my ex-live in boyfriend with my now husband. He was abusive, mentally and physically, and I was afraid to leave him for two reasons: stupidity, and plain fear. When I met my husband, it clicked, and I realized there was a nice guy there who would treat me like an angel. Being a codependent in those days, I had to mess around before I could make the decision to finally leave, and it was the most wonderful decision, and smartest one I have ever made. I know this seems contradictory, but I would never cheat on my husband not matter what the circumstances at home. I would move out lock, stock and barrel and only start a new relationship once that one ended. He deserves better than that. I do not think there is room for three people in a legal marriage.

    :)
     
  5. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Ah Ha!

    The 50% statistic bears out!
     
  6. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    I was gonna start a thread about this... what makes people cheat? Are you a bad person because you cheated?
     
  7. FlirtyChick

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    Ok, enlighten me. You mean 50% of MARRIED women cheat. I was not married.
    C'mon sexy juice...flesh it out for me! :)
     
  8. cbrmale

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    I think there were two catalysts: my wife is a great partner but was sexually passive, and I was doing a lot of interstate travel at the time. Initially it was about loneliness, but it quickly became about the sex, it was so good. So my marriage was going well and the sex was regular but uninspired, and I had another relationship where the sex was, well, inspiring.

    But I felt VERY guilty at first, and sometimes I wondered if the short-term companionship and pleasure was worth it all. And then I got over it, and once that happened I realised I had to make a choice. So put an extra effort into my wife, and someone I knew suggested what her sexual problem may be. Voila, it was solved, and she'd guessed what was going on anyway.

    This situation is not unique or remarkable. I don't go with the blanket statements that if you cheat then you should break-up, because things aren't always that black and white. Sometimes they are, sometimes the relationship is so broken it should be ended. But in my case it wasn't, although there was a key ingredient that was not working. And looking back, I'm glad I cheated because it kept our relationship together during a rough time for me, and we eventually were able to solve the problem and end up with a lovely marriage. And I think we'll all find relationships of both versions: where cheating was the beginnning of the end and where cheating was just an interlude.
     
  9. Drakonnen

    Drakonnen Member

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    Never cheated, only been cheated on. Stuck with her anyways, heh.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, not necessarily. I think cheating is *generally* a bad choice, but I'm not sure you can put "good" or "bad" labels on any human behavior to be honest. Sometimes good people make bad choices, ya know? Just because someone cheats doesn't actually mean they are a bad person. For instance, my now wife says that she cheated on her boyfriend with me, but he was a verbally and physically abusive man. So, was her "cheating" a bad choice? I'd have to say "no" since it led her out of an abusive relationship. (Things involving humans and their emotions are rarely black and white.) Even if someone looks at it as a "bad choice", does that mean she's a bad person? Absolutely not...quite the opposite. Like most things human, I think it really depends on the situation. This is a great question!

    Another good question...and like most things human, I don't think there's an easy answer. In a nutshell, I would say "because they aren't getting what they need from their current partner", but you know that's quite a wide open statement with all sorts of variables and considerations. (For instance, maybe they aren't getting what they need because they aren't giving their partner what the partner needs...ya know?)

    Some folks obviously cheat because they are simply selfish and can't get enough of what they want for themselves. I think some folks cheat because they may be looking to kick themselves out of a relationship they are in. Some folks cheat to have someone else lined up before they end an existing relationship. There's probably hundreds of "reasons" folks have made the choice to cheat.

    One thing I do greatly dislike is hearing someone call cheating a "mistake". A mistake is an accident...cheating is rarely an accident..."she was lying there naked and I tripped and fell and..." :eek Cheating is usually (not always though) a carefully planned and executed operation involving considerable deceit...doesn't sound like an accident to me, sounds like a conscious choice, doesn't it? ;) Now, it IS possible to find yourself quite (or at least, mostly) unintentionally in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong opportunity and the wrong weaknesses...I have found myself there at least once I can remember, but I was strong enough to make the right decision. I didn't have the intent, just the opportunity, so it wasn't hard to make the right choice, especially since I had pre-thought situations like this and knew what the right choice was.

    Speaking of intent and opportunity, there was a message in church on cheating not too long ago. The gist of the message was that it takes intent AND opportunity to cheat. I actually don't agree with that...all it takes is intent in my opinion. If you have the intent, you will create opportunities no matter what barriers are in place. Opportunities might sometimes fall right in your lap without your influence on that happening (although you can always back up and say "well, maybe I shouldn't have been where I was", right?), but intent is something you create for yourself...intent is a conscious choice, and without the intent, I tend to believe that cheating usually won't take place, even if an opportunity might exist.

    One thing to consider is your "ledge"...how close to an opportunity could you be without that opportunity creating intent? Put differently, how much distance do you need to keep yourself from making a wrong choice if the opportunity exists? Once you step off that "ledge", you can't go back and change what you did, so the idea is to give yourself enough room for a little error...we are all human after all. For instance, if you are alone with a member of the opposite sex, say, in a car and you know that you both are attracted to each other, is that enough opportunity to create temptation and possibly cause you to change your intent? For some folks maybe so. Could you fall asleep drunk with someone of the opposite sex and know that you would have the fortitude stop any action that might just spontaneously erupt? Could you get in a hot tub alone and naked with someone of the opposite sex and not do them if they wanted you to? That's your "ledge"...the point where you know you couldn't say "no" and would make a choice based on the heat of the moment. It doesn't matter whether your ledge is short or long...what matters is that you know how long your ledge is, and give yourself enough distance so that you make it difficult for yourself to step off your ledge...in other words stay a safe distance from the edge. This gives you a way to keep yourself out of situations where you know you'd have a difficult time making the right choice. (Based on the situation I mentioned above, I now know for certain that my ledge is pretty long.)

    Oh...one other thing on the "ledge" concept...don't assume your ledge is a constant length. It's length likely depends on the other person in question. For instance, I know there's women I could hop naked into a hot tub with and not do something I shouldn't...there's other women that I know I might not be able to hop naked into a hop tub with and "be good".

    BD
     
    #10 BassDude, Apr 16, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2008
  11. cbrmale

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    It might be different where you live, but in my country if you live with someone for more than six months, you're married. I think the married woman I had sex with was de-facto married like this. More than half (almost 60%) of Australian marriages are de-facto, with only a minority being legally married.
     
  12. Dreama

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    We don't have those type of common law marriages. Some states have them, I think, but they're more like 10 years.
     
  13. Squint

    Squint Member

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    Have ‘cheated’ but only when I knew and she knew it was over.

    Semantics in a way, but still undeniably true.

    Enough said.
     
  14. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    This part made me curious. What was her problem (if it's not too personal) sexually?
     
  15. cbrmale

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    She was influenced by the evangelical American version of Christianity and it's negative depiction of sex. These Christians get told that sex is bad, wrong, evil, wicked, and a temptation to be denied over and over again, and then are expected to magically put all these bad depictions aside the moment they sign the marriage registry.

    It was so obvious in hindsight, but I didn't see it because my country isn't Christian and I'm certainly not Christian. Prior to Christianities implosion in Australia, we had the more moderate kind of Anglican influence, which has a more liberal view of sex compared to American evangelicals.
     
  16. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    That's kind of a broad brush. I'm American. My wife and I are Christians. We were taught that once you are married you can do pretty much whatever you want with each other, as long as it doesn't involve other people.

    I think you are misreading 'parental influence' as 'Christian influence'.
     
  17. cbrmale

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    Read the post again please. Especially this bit (key word highlighted):

    "These Christians get told that sex is bad, wrong, evil, wicked, and a temptation to be denied over and over again, and then are expected to magically put all these bad depictions aside the moment they sign the marriage registry."

    Evangelical American Christians brainwash their congregation about sex, and then the person needs to be un-brainwashed. And that's a bit harder than saying 'oh, after you're married, sex is all good'. I unbrainwashed her by studying scripture with her, and pointing out the weaknesses of what she had been told in the past. That, coupled with something else, worked.

    Parental influence was non-existant, as my wife is an orphan and she was raised by her oldest sister.
     
  18. Sportinwood

    Sportinwood New Member

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    Not proud of it but I have cheated

    well here it goes. Yes I have cheated on my wife, and yes she still is my wife. We have worked through it and are stronger and closer today. The affair started as an "online" affair in a chatroom. Innocent right? Well it was at first. a few weeks into it the sexual side of it started to come out, we exchanged pictures talked provocitive to each other. After about a month of chatting we decided to meet face to face, just meet nothing sexual, just talk and nothing more and thats exactly what happened but we were both instantly sexually attracted to each other. At the time we were both married but keep in mind that if we were both satisfied sexually this would have never happened. I wont speak for her but I will say that I was NOT sexually satisfied, my wife was always working, everything and I mean everything came before me and sex. We had sex on the average of once a month, no I'm not making this up, and when we did it was hohum, like she was doing me a favor. Anyway, after we met face to face it wasnt long before we got together again and the sexual part of it started. One of the questions ctown75 asked was how I felt when it was happening, well to be quite honest, numb. It got to the point where I couldnt stay away from her and the reason being was the sex was the absolute best I ever had and that still remains the fact today. I also felt very confindent in myself, why? because my mistress for lack of a better word was 8 years my junior and so young and sexy and I just couldnt believe she wanted me when she could have damn near any younger guy out there. The affair lasted 4 months, the reason it ended was her constantly getting on me about leaving my wife for her, said she didnt like fucking a married man, that she felt guilty. Oh I forgot, a couple months into it, her husband left her, so now she wanted me and fucking a married man in the beginning of the affair was ok but now she wasnt ok with it. After it getting to the point I couldnt take anymore of her asking me to leave I finally broke it off, she then threated to tell my wife, which she eventually did. How did I feel after the affair? Like total shit, I suppose the way I deserved to feel. I still feel terrible to this day for what I did. But what it all boiled down to, why I did it was because the lack of GOOD sex and attention.
     
  19. Sportinwood

    Sportinwood New Member

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    I'm not proud of what I did and I dont condone the behavior and I'm sure somebody here will have something to say about it but what is done is done and cant be changed. One thing I struggle with today, 5 years after the affair is it was the greatest sex I ever had. Eventhough she was 8 years younger then me she taught me things (sexually) that I had never done, always wanted to try or wasnt even aware of, sexual things. She was certainly a wild child in that respect and I dream about the sex quite frequently even though I know I shouldnt, but sex THAT good is hard to forget. If anybody would like to ask me a question regarding this post feel free to ask.
     
  20. Joe

    Joe
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    No questions; you've done a good job of describing your feelings and motivations. I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are now closer. These things happen. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure you've already done plenty of that.