Cheating or excitement?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mispas, Mar 21, 2015.

  1. mispas

    mispas New Member

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    I have been having a running debate with my husband. Over the last year or so we have been empty nesters and have experimented a lot with our sex life. It has been a lot of fun and great to explore everything from a threesome to anal play and mild BDSM. When we started all this it began with a conversation of my husband being curious about anal play and possibly being Bi. We examined this at great length and have had our ups and downs. Now we have agreed to be just with each other and explore many areas, he says he has no interest in men in any way....but he continues to surf craigslist for m4m or POF. He says it is only for excitement and he would never act on anything. He is lying to me repeatedly...saying he isn't on these sites but then I find he is....do u consider this cheating, am I crazy thinking you shouldn't be surfing hook up sites when you are in a committed relationship? I need to decide where to move to next. We have been together for over 15 years, sex is great, open but he is lying and I don't think I can move forward with no trust
     
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  2. HotForHoney

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    I don't think it's cheating...yet. It's def lying and that's not good.

    Trust is a major factor in most successful relationships.
     
  3. Alwayslearningsex

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    A serious conversation, cards down is needed. MHO
     
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  4. Mittimer

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    He's not cheating on you if he's just reading posts and moving on. If he's reading and replying to them, it means he's communicating and teetering dangerously close to a line that shouldn't be crossed without your knowledge. It's clear his bisexual curiosities are in the forefront of his mind and it's something he would like to explore.

    I think the question is this. Is his potential sexuality a problem for you?

    You said you've had 3way's, I assume they are more dedicated to pleasing you. Why not consider a 3 way in which the two men interact, giving him an opportunity to explore himself a bit more while you're there and able to pump the breaks if it gets too much.

    Talk to him, ask him what he really wants and consider giving him a chance to explore it within YOUR comfort. Don't argue about it, don't make him feel like shit for being curious, be supportive but be honest.
     
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  5. mispas

    mispas New Member

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    The 3way was more about him and the guy. He is now replying to posts and continues to deny it is happening. I was very comfortable exploring with him, but he insists he isn't interested in men....i am really at a loss, how do you discuss things that the other person denies is happening
     
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  6. Amature

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    I think you have some very legitimate concerns. Maybe he is still questioning his sexuality. I really don't have any advice.
     
  7. Meee

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    You found out about this problem a long time ago: http://www.sexualforums.com/threads/anal-sex.42899/

    But anyway, don't discuss the "interest," which he can deny both to you and to himself. Discuss the facts. Discuss rules about specific behaviors in your marriage. Decide on a goal. Decide on a limit. Decide what will end your marriage and what won't. Once you know your position, then you can negotiate.
     
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  8. mispas

    mispas New Member

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    Good advice thanks
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    I said it before; not a healthy situation here.
    I think that you relatively recent sudden permissiveness has re-waken dormant desires in him and now that the genie is out it is not going back into the bottle.
    He needs to fess up and admit what his true desires are because denial is only going to hurt you more.
     
  10. billytk1977

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    I hate sounding like a councillor but i must. You opened the relationship up with the first mfm threesome. And while then you could not forsee the outcome of that decision, it is apparent now. If you can live in an open relationship then there must be guidelines that have to be adhered to. I have some friends in open relationships and their rules are very diffrent. I will refer to them as c1 and c2.

    C1's rules are as follows, only at home. Their kids are out and youngest in military, they must meet the person and has to be d&d free. Third can not spend night and must offer to include partner if they want to join. They dont do club scene and meet people online and tben in person.

    C2, well they dont care who or where as long as other does not hear about it.

    You have to know what you want in your relationship and what can be tolerated. Do you want full disclosure or do you want him home every day. Truth is you two have to talk and be honest with eachother, what you want and what you desire. Is your biggest issue that he is doing this, or doing it behind your back. Do you want to know or join or not be a part of it? Will or do you get same rights and privileges or is it one sided? Do you even want it for yourself? Are you still being satisfied or are you left wanting?

    An open relationship can work, but just like anything else, there must be guidelines and boundaries that dont get crossed. And dont get mad if you decide latsr you or he dont want it. Communication is key.
     
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  11. sandwich

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    I don't understand why he is trying to hide the internet stuff from you when in the past he mentioned he was curious about bisexuality. I think any sort of secrecy or concealment is a problem.
     
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  12. jdm320

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    I agree with sandwich.
     
  13. CLE32793

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    Yep. I agree as well. Communicate communicate communicate
     
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