can not having a good..

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by sexyJ, Aug 12, 2008.

  1. sexyJ

    sexyJ New Member

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    sex life ruin a marrige? I tend to wonder if people that blame there sex life on there failed marrige or if there are underlying problems. Just a thought/question!
     
  2. Dreama

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    It plays a part...But you've got to think of why a couple has a bad sex life....In my experience, the bad sex life comes from a bad relationship. When you fix your relationship problems, the sex issues usually work themselves out.
     
  3. Barbwire

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  4. *Sexual Panda*

    *Sexual Panda* New Member

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    Hmmmm well lets see here....... My ex husband and I were together for 14 years, we had alot of issues that were in the bedroom and out! Now alot of the bedroom stuff started after the other stuff, my ex drove me away in so many ways that I had to get out one way or the other! The sex stuff just got worse over time! Now you know alot of this stuff already but I looked at what I have for a relationship to the one I had before.........lmfao because my ex husband was an asshole to say the least!
     
  5. stu73

    stu73 New Member

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    Our mediocre sex life played an important role in my ex and I separating. Not the only thing, but my guess is that it would have eventually separated us. It all has to do with different sexual interests; but then we weren't completely incompatible (an important reason I recommend against waiting until marriage to have sex). I do believe that complete sexual incompatibility would make marriage very difficult to keep happy.

    I'm one of those for whom sex is a very important part of life. There are others (and it may seem silly, but I can't help feeling they're missing something) where it's not important; for which I would bet that sex life has a lot less to do with marriage.

    I believe that a happy and compatible sex life is a big part of a happy married life. My current marriage is not based on sex, but it is a very rich part of our happiness. We're also much more compatible out of the marriage too.

    So, I guess... Yes I think not having a good sex life could ruin a marriage, but it depends on the two involved, it would not be true for every couple.
     
  6. sexyJ

    sexyJ New Member

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    Wow that was a little freaky...I here myself saying alot of the same things you were saying. As I sat and read all the pages of threads I am just lost! I see you have bounced back so to speak..What do you think made the difference and changed things..


    Personally speaking I believe that I am using sex as a scape goat when there is so many other things that have "issues"! Maybe I am cause for his lack of interest? I just want to feel loved? I just want to feel pretty and attractive..I want us to have that wow sex we had when we first got together, and after it was all done we both needed a cigarette and I don't even smoke :) I NEED to feel wanted!!!! Please someone tell me I'm not the only one in the world with these issues!
     
  7. igor

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    Cowboy Lover is right in that you need to communicate. That was one of our failings. I think we "mended" just in time, because I was getting desperate. To answer the original question - YES! a lousy / no sex life can ruin it.

    Here is something to think about and it goes along somewhat with the communication thing; I see where those that don't have sex before marriage, don't communicate their sexual desires to their partner. In a way, how can they know if they never had sex? (Some have not even masturbated). Then they get married - and either are totally surprised because their drives are so much different, and/or can't understand why that person didn't change, or can't be changed, just because they are married.
     
  8. sexyJ

    sexyJ New Member

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    Well we had sex before marriage so That cant be it..I try talking to him but I feel like he doesn't listen, I mean I know he hears me but it goes in one ear and out the other! God I'm sorry for being a wine ass....someone pass me the cheese (and a beer please)
     
  9. FlirtyChick

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    A bad sex life can ruin your marriage if you let it. There is no such thing as bad sex, in my opinion, but that is just what I think. Doesn't mean I am right. I find the key to be good communication, an open mind, and a loving attitude with your partner. The most essential part in my experience is the way you treat your SO/partner outside the sexual realm. If you are both sexually inclined, and nice to each other, then sex can be wonderful. Communication and closeness with your partner is crucial.
     
  10. johnnyangel694u

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    For me, I put up with a lot stuff over the length of our marriage and just figured it way married life.
    When the sex stopped everything really got to me.
    I guess I overlooked a lot because I was getting some.
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Atta girl! I couldn't agree more....

    BD
     
  12. cbrmale

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    I had a look at the other thread and it covered a lot of ground. For me, bad sex or no sex would end any relationship I was in, but that's me.

    In the recent past, I've read many postings about couples who love each other and have no sex life together, and I think these couples mistook deep and warm friendship for passionate love. Other couples mistook passion without friendship and common interests as being 'love' too, but passion can only take you so far. And when passion has stabilised, they realise they may be living with someone they don't like that much.

    From what I understand of love there is no single answer. But from what I have observed on life's journey, there are couples out there who really weren't meant to be life-long friends, lovers and soulmates. I know the best relationships are those where you are best friends and are erotically attached to each other too. I believe that the relationships which can work well are close friendship ones, even arranged marriages, because sex seems to have a better chance when there is friendship rather than animosity. Which means the relationships that were initally based on passionate infatuation are the least successful. This is because the couple no longer gets on well with each other, and they end up lacking the sex that comes from getting on well with other.
     
  13. Barbwire

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    I admit to being far too lazy to go back and reread that thread, but, I believe when I started it I was having issues with my husband. I was not seriously contemplating divorce, but I was at the point where I was questioning if I had made a terrible mistake in marrying him.

    Since then, a whole lot has changed, mostly, I've expressed my sexual frustration to my husband and we've worked on relieving it. Part of that relief comes via cyber and phone sex with other men. My husband knows about it and understands that it's something I need to do to get some sense of relief. I've got more libido than he can handle, he knows it, I know it, but instead of it being cause for anguish, now it's just a fact of life.

    This may sound far fetched, but it's the best comparison I can make...

    I've always been a horse lover and riding is an incredible passion for me. For years, I was always trying to get my husband to ride with me so I could share it with him. Well, he's no horseman, and I've come to accept that he's never going to be my riding buddy. He is happy to let me go off and ride with my friends all the time, though.

    So, both in and out of bed, I no longer have unrealistic expectations of him, or at least I TRY not to. He does what he can, and I appreciate it. I have supplemental "sex" with my online lovers to keep my libido/frustration level in check. A benefit to my husband is, I am much happier and am not pushing him to have more sex than he feels the need to have.

    We are still having some ups and downs, but, for the most part, we are pretty happy, now.



     
  14. sexyJ

    sexyJ New Member

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    Thanks CL!!!! :)
     
  15. Barbwire

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    Ok, so I finally went back and reread that old thread, at least the posts I made to it.

    Apparently, at that time, I was upset with not only the frequency, but the the quality of sex, as well.

    I just want to add that I've given up on quantity sex with my husband and am now focusing on quality.

    The quality is now better, mostly due to a whole lot of open communication between us. He still has issues with PE and ED, but for the most part, I find a way to work around that.

     
  16. Joe

    Joe
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    I think it can. The absence of sex in my first marriage was the leading cause for divorce in my case.
     
  17. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    I suppose it depends on what is important to you, we go through stages when our sex life is extremely spicy to times when it is so dull I forget what an orgasm is. Generally I start a discussion about it, we discuss what is bothering us and then the sex goes back to normal.

    So basically for us, communication is the key, not the sex, to a good marital life.
     
  18. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

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    I think that if the sex is ok, things go smoother. If the sex isn't ok, most things fall apart.

    What I have found odd in previous relationships is the difference between men and women. The men I've been with didn't seem to have a problem having sex in the middle of a fight (like sex would "fix" things for them) while I was SO not in the mood if I was angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy.
     
  19. igor

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    I think that partly depends on whether you are the male or female. As a male, I can say that some guys might think that any time they can screw and have an orgasm, the sex was good and satisfying. The "real" guys know that if their mate isn't "into it" then even thought they may have an orgasm, there is something lacking.

    There are bad marriages where the woman will let her hubby fuck her just to get him off her back, so to speak. Some call it "pity sex" (go ahead and fuck me but I am not into it but feel guilty if you will be grumpy for the next week because you don't get any).

    That, to me, is a bad sex life and I personally would rather do without! I remember the times when we'd be in the middle of foreplay and she would fall asleep on me. Eventually she might wake up and we'd screw, but it wasn't really satisfying.

    It had been pounded into me to COMMUNICATE and I didn't, and it almost ruined our marriage.
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    I am glad you learned to communicate, and that you are now enjoying the fruits of your marriage in new ways. I have never said NO to my hubby, but we have learned this unspoken language that I cannot quite explain where we signal each other if one of us is too tired, or just not in the mood. Now, there have been times when we started, it just didn't work for one reason or another, and that is ok. Totally biological. I agree, a bad sex life is one where the wife gives in just to please the husband. That causes resentment to build up in both parties, and is not a basis for honesty or a loving relationship. No one is perfect, and life is just tough, but having a great sex life is a good thing! It is hard work to communicate and keep a good sex life going, not to mention working, socializing, dealing with family, and raising children. I just wish that more people would explain the joys of sex to thier kids instead of a bad association with it. That, my friend, is the crux of the people that just have sex to have it. If you are taught it is not ok to enjoy it, then it takes years to undo that!!!!