Can anyone out there help me out????

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by loveprof, Jun 10, 2013.

  1. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Okay, I'm going to throw myself out there as a new member and hope that some individuals will respond with both sincerity and compassion (and some good humor as well).

    Here goes....I am a highly sexual man in my mid-50s......who hasn't had sex in 20 years!! I know, this seems like a contradiction on its face. But it is true.

    I love sex and love to give pleasure even more than to receive it. I was married for 27 years to the only woman I had ever had intercourse with, and she cut me off for the last 14 years of our marriage. And when I say "cut me off", I mean not even a kiss or a tender touch. Nothing after the birth of our last child. Nonetheless, I never went outside my marriage for as much as a hand job. I was totally faithful to her. We were finally divorced in 2007. Since then, I have dated several women, some who I met or knew already, others whom I met through various online dating sites (match.com, plentyoffish.com, etc.). I felt I had a great time with most of them, dated several more than once, one even for three months, but never got so much as a kiss. The one I dated for three months finally quit returning calls or messages; when I finally got her to say what had caused this, her response was that she felt like I just wanted to be her friend. I, of course, was wanting something quite different.

    Just so you'll know, I tend to be a very positive person, easily approachable and usually pretty easygoing. I joke a lot, even at my own expense. One of my favorite jokes of this type is, "If I'd known I was going to have all of these years of celibacy, I would have joined the priesthood." As the saying goes, however, many a truth is said in jest. I'm actually highly frustrated, as you can imagine, and wonder why so many men of different sizes, builds and ages can seem to have sex with a woman, while I continue to sit at home frustrated. Though I am overweight, I do still consider myself very handsome and most women seem to enjoy talking to me and being in my presence.

    I'm not one either to just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I tend to always look at myself first for the solution and have tried to adjust various things about myself I think might be causing the problem. I even went to counseling for quite a while. I have learned a lot about myself in the process and hope to continue to improve, but I still see plenty of folks who don't expend half the effort I do, who get laid on a frequent basis. I've never been a game player or very pushy, which some claim is my problem. but that's just part of my personality I can't really change. I'd be like a fish out of water. One woman who was just a friend (and has since passed away) told me that my problem was I didn't ever just come out and ask for sex. Unfortunately, past experience has made me very cautious and gun shy when it comes to that type of direct approach.

    Bottom line is, I've never felt with any of the women I've dated that they gave me any indication of wanting anything further. Without at least some signal, I didn't feel comfortable making a move. Is it really too much to ask that a woman have some understanding of your situation and help out a little? Like the woman who dated me for three months and accused me of just wanting to be a friend...couldn't she have met me halfway?

    At any rate, while I tend to enjoy my life, my work and my family, every time another birthday, holiday or Valentine's Day rolls around, I am reminded that I have gone another year without the attentions of a woman. I would truly appreciate some honest input and help. The truth is that this really hurts a great deal, and I don't want to continue living without any physical affection.

    loveprof:uhyeah
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    That dude, that could be my very own story you just wrote.......except for the ending.
    What you seem to have failed to realise is that there are 1000s of eager ladies out there waiting just like you for.....sex!
    The world has changed dramatically in those years that you have been out of circulation in terms of human behaviour and you have failed to come to terms with it.
    In a neutral environment women these days expect to be hit on (if not then they think you don't find them attractive) and will respond in kind if it is their desire.
    It is actually very ok to be truthful and tell a lady that you find her sexually attractive.
    In many instances casual sex is almost a given and if it goes beyond that so much the better.
    My own story is that once I made the decision to move on I changed my entire demeanour towards the opposite sex; gone was the good, decent, honourable reliable guy and out came the extrovert, humorous, flirting, "dangerous" devil-may-care new me and blow me down if even after a very short time I had 3 ladies on the go at once :)
    One was a neglected married woman near my own age who soon became my medium term FB, another an old school friend recently divorced, and yet another a woman 15 years younger I had previously met OS. This situation posed some tricky juggling but that was not the end of it by a long shot!
    Out of the blue along comes this cute little lady half my age who hit on me big time all the while fully aware of my other dalliances.
    Her mission was to claim me and lay waste to all opposition something that she has achieved remarkably well.
    I now live a most harmonious existence with a very caring but extremely horny lady and the ultimate irony.....she was a virgin until she decided to take on the bull by the balls!
    Bottom line dude you got to act like there is no tomorrow and get a reputation for being a desirable sex mate.
    Another fact; I am 4 years your senior so if it worked for me why not you?
    I am now a good, decent, reliable rogue :)
    Good luck, I hope that you can make that transition.
     
    #2 lbushwalker, Jun 10, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2013
  3. backcheck64

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    Dude, it's up to you to initiate sexual contact on most cases. Been married 25 yrs, together coming up on 31yrs and still have regular sex...but we both want it. How have you gone as long as you have without sex, three weeks and I'm a bear. Couldn't imagine 3 months much less 20 yrs. You say you've been on dates, I've always used the three date rule, if I don't get it by the third date, and that's only if she's smoking hot, there isn't a fourth. If you're just looking for sex, there are a ton of women out there...if you don't mind the fact that many are overweight, look older, been rode hard and put away wet. I'm personally very picky, I'm only attracted to very fit, thin, women that look young and are athletic...and yes I'm 49. My wife has spoiled me, she's a year younger than me, but most think she's maybe 30-32, size 0, we cycle, hike, etc...the only problem is she doesn't skate and both my kids and I play hockey, oh well. If for some reason I ever do become single again, I'll be looking to late 20s to early 30s for a replacement. You have to be willing to make the first move though. Have you gone in for the kiss, the hug, the ass grab?
     
  4. Cappy_Dick

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    Hello and welcome.

    It sounds like you are suffering from the age old problem of being too much of a gentleman and nice guy. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I am neither a chauvinist, nor disrespectful to women. I am a gentleman 95% of the time.

    However, you need to learn one thing and learn it quick. There are still animalistic traits that still latently exist in humans. There is a fine line with this in the modern world and you must be careful. However, in order to get a woman to have sex with you, they have to know that you want and desire them. They never get these primal signals by you being too much of a gentleman.

    I made the same mistake as a young man. I was the perfect gentleman with women. I never made a move or an off color remark with a woman who didn't show me she was interested in going further. Well, guess what? I never got any further. Women all thought I was a sweet guy and a good friend, but that wasn't getting me any action. I think this is where the expression "good guys finish last" comes from.

    You don't need to be a pig to make this work for you. You just need to be a little more aggressive and suggestive. Women by nature, tend to be submissive and usually expect the man to make the first moves. If you don't ever attempt to take a kiss beyond just a kiss, or suggest you want to do more than hold her hand, chances are you never will.

    If you've had a good time with her, try to kiss her. Even if she doesn't let you at first, she knows you want to. Don't push too hard at first. However, if she keeps wanting to see you, but doesn't let you kiss her, you'll need to look for an opportunity to just take her by surprise and do it. She may resist a little, but if she likes you like that she will let you, even if seeming to resist at first. After she's become comfortable with kissing, you need to tastefully allow your hands to wander. She may move your hands back at first, but she now knows you want to touch her. Start using a little playful innuendo in your conversations. I've found that stuff that is both funny and suggestive works the best. Don't over do this, but do it. If she laughs and keeps seeing you, she knows you want to get in her panties and is thinking about letting you.

    Women want to know you desire them, before they have sex with you. You need to show them that you do. If you wait for them to show you they want you, you're not likely going to get any where. You should still for the most part be a gentleman, and above all remember that no still means no. But, if you're not at least mildly aggressive with women, you'll get nowhere with most of them. Women want to be wanted.

    Here's a good example. When I was a senior in high school, I knew this gal I wanted so bad, I could taste it. I was still always the perfect gentleman back then. I'd smile at her and talk to her, hoping she'd get the idea that I liked her, but she never did. Years later, I ran into her. We talked about the old days. Being older and bolder, I told her "you know??? back then, I REALLY liked you". She said that it was too bad as she thought I was really hot back then and would have screwed me rotten, had she known I liked her like that. Sadly, by then she was happily married. It kinda blew my mind that what I desired then was there for my taking, had I been a little aggressive.

    The moral of the story here, is if you want it, you need to go for it. Don't stop being a gentleman, but don't be a pushover. If you've been seeing each other, you need to start making subtle moves to advance to the next level. If she wants you, she'll at least keep seeing you, even if she stops you. If she doesn't want to keep seeing you, she's decided she has no desire to have sex with you and that's better to know, than to be wasting time seeking a lover.

    xx
     
    #4 Cappy_Dick, Jun 10, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2013
  5. boobjob

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    I wish I could give advice. I am married and haven't dated in 25 years. Based on stories from friends, dating these days is very different than when we were younger so I would ignore the advice of anyone talking about their dating "rules" from when they were a teenager 30 years ago. That's not what your asking. My wife and I have a very close friend who is a 48 year old single mom. I can only base advice on her experience. Her life is very busy and dating can be a logistical pain in the ass. There is a lot of pressure involved. She has found that the first step is just to figure out if she can spend time with the other person and then to move on to some serious communication about short term goals. There is a lot of variety out there for people our age. Some are only looking for sex. Some are looking for a companion. Some want both. Some want that plus they have family to consider. Some are still close with an ex and will keep you at arms length.

    So the answer is really the same answer to almost every question about sex. Communication is the key.
     
  6. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Thanks so much for the input folks. I read it seriously and take it all to heart. "Cappy Dick", that Avatar took me back, man. Haven't seen that in years. As for the comment about how I can stand going this long...it isn't easy, trust me. After awhile, however, you have to get on with life and can't let it eat at you all the time. Truthfully, it's killing me inside but, true to the Southern way, I grin and bear it.
     
  7. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Any ladies out there want to give me your input????
     
  8. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Another thing I'm not sure we're factoring in is plain old genetics. While I have been very successful as a teacher, one thing I could never do is close a sale. My uncle, who was one of the top salesman in the country for his company and whose son has now surpassed his dad in sales at an entirely different company, told me once when I had been canned from a sales position at which I performed poorly, "I believe salesman are born, not taught." Now, while it is certainly true that we can learn new things, just as I have taught many folks to play piano even at an advanced age, there is certainly a difference when someone is "gifted" in a particular area. My brother, for example, could always just walk into a room and women would come to him. He never made an approach or "gamed" them; it was as though he gave off a scent. I'll never forget when he took me to my first strip club and, before we left, the best looking stripper on the stage had given him her phone number and had him over later that week for steaks and sex. The guy just had a gift. Guess it's the old "nature vs. nurture" argument all over again.
     
  9. Meee

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    I'm not a fan of expecting men to "make a move." I find the whole thing about when to go in for the kiss and so on a little calculating and even creepy. If you need to "make a move," then I don't think the mood and the communication between the woman and you are right somehow. This is the 2010s--women can signal and set the mood and take the initiative. Nobody meets through a dating site just to be friends. If that's what she thought about you, then that reflects on her attitude about dating, or men, or herself more than on any move you made or didn't make.

    Dating is such a big ritual in itself, maybe you need to try something that breaks rituals down instead. What do you do on these dates? Dinner at a restaurant? How about an activity or an event? Something casual that allows both of you to be more spontaneous and physical. Maybe not for your very first date, but pretty early on before you get into a dating rut. Good luck.
     
  10. Cappy_Dick

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    I agree Meee. That's why I said most, not all. I was just sharing with the OP what has been successful for me. I have no problems with women who initiate, and wish there were more like that. Men are left with so much guesswork in the early stages of a relationship. Actually, some of the best sex I have had was with an up til then female friend, who just came right out of the blue and just asked if the thought interested me. No guesswork there at all...lol.

    Unfortunately, dating is often full of outdated rituals and rules, which are largely perpetuated by women. The one I detest the most is the "can't have sex before a certain amount of dates/days" rule. Honestly, it's the biggest load of crap of them all. If a guy uses the "you had sex with me on the first/second date, so I can't respect you" line, it's total bullshit. It's just the "find her-fuck her-forget her" type of man's easy way out. Come on, think about it. He wasn't worried about respect when he was doing it. A guy who's truly interested in a woman doesn't want to wait any longer than he has to, to start having sex. Also, from a personal point of view, the best lovers I have had, started having sex with me the first or second time we spent time together. Inversely, the lover I waited the longest to have sex with ended up being boring beyond vanilla.

    The world would be so much simpler if two people that are sexually attracted to each other could just say so, and get on with it.

    loveprof: Honestly, most people don't pick up on that. I guess that makes us old...lol. When I chose my handle, I knew what I wanted for an avatar, but found an image nearly impossible to find. I finally found one that was worth photoshopping in to what you see.

    xx
     
    #10 Cappy_Dick, Jun 10, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2013
  11. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Thanks! That's a very thoughtful and considered response and actually expresses the way I feel. I don't like all these "rules of the game" as they're called. I prefer things to be more organic and natural.

     
  12. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Well said. Cappy. Yes, I love these random rules we generate to make ourselves feel better about our sexual decisions. If two adults want to have sex, they should be able to just say so and get on with it.... in a perfect world, right?

     
  13. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Thanks, lbushwalker, though I must say that geography may be playing a role here. Trust me, I live in what we sometimes refer to as "the buckle of the Bible belt" her in the US, near Baylor University. Casual sex is far from a given here; most women are brought up with a mindset that such behavior is the equivalent of being a slut. So they make you be much more indirect. Still, thanks for the input and encouragement!:D

     
  14. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Thanks for the input and glad your marriage is working out this way. You are very fortunate. Trust a guy who's been there; you can do everything you know to be right and still be given the cold shoulder. As far as how I've gone that long.... in the beginning because I believed in my marriage and wasn't willing to step outside of it and wanted to make things work for my kids. Now, it's not by choice; just haven't had anyone show interest. I disagree that there a ton of women out there.... I'm not that picky and I'm not finding any. I do agree with you, however, that I have to learn to make my desire apparent yet without offending the woman. Too many will go nuts on you these days.:lol

     
  15. lbushwalker

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    Loveprof, you mention you bro who has magic for picking up women.
    I bet I can tell you why; confidence, he walks in like he owns the place, smiles a lot, makes direct & unblinking eye contact with his target and when he gets a chance to talk to her does so with ease and makes her laugh.
    Tell me I'm wrong and I will crawl back under my rock :)
     
  16. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Actually, what you describe is more my behavior. I'm the one who's talking to everyone, getting them laughing, etc. So much so that my college students even say they want to hang with me, because I have such a natural way with women. Just never ends in the bedroom.

    My brother, who is unfortunately now bedridden due to cancer treatments, never game the women the time of day. I think his aloof nature was the key. He basically showed them no interest whatsoever, which was intriguing.

    But please don't climb under your rock... especially if you're in the outback; no telling what you'd find:lol (Like a yank like me would know, right?)

    loveprof

     
  17. backcheck64

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    You say, trust a guy who's been there....I doubt you've been where I have...both of us make an effort to keep our sex life going good. We have PDAs on a regular basis and our kids see that daily. As you said "everything you know to be right", maybe what you know is wrong. I went through 46...well, several of those were just sex, to get to my wife. I knew what was out there and what to look for in a lifelong partner. You don't buy the first car you see without a test drive or two. The last car we bought, we knew generally what we wanted and needed, but test drove over a dozen before we decided on the one..and we'll have it for a number of years. When you marry someone, you have to have a lot in common, interests, activities, values, drives, etc. You have to know in your heart you can't do better, looks, intelligence, etc... and I dated 4 different cheerleading squads (yes, almost every girl on all of the squads), and a lot of the "popular, hot girls". Carried that on to college so my standards of looks was very high, I also like a girl that can discuss current issues and politics, but also get on a bike and ride 30 to 50 miles in a morning. I didn't settle until I found a girl that fit all of that criteria, not one, maybe two, but all... not the first girl to give it up. Maybe you need to relocate, get out of hell... I mean Texas, and update your views on relationships and dating. I've been from coast to coast and most of Canada, you couldn't pay me enough to live in Texas.
     
  18. lbushwalker

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    Ok, you got that right; I am living in what I believe you folks call the bayou but out of choice and not necessity.
    It takes me 5 mins to drive to work, I come home for lunch and have my lover besides me 22.5 hours of the day as she is also my professional colleague.
    Secondly we now know that you have most of the attributes it takes to collar what we affectionally here call the shiellas; women who are able and willing. Next step is for you to appear somewhat mysterious and "dangerous" as women respond to that sense of thrill.
    Aloof like your bro works for some like for my dad and one of my sons but for us more open folks it requires a different attitude; invitation to partake in the forbidden.
    I am not sure how you can achieve that other than drop hints about your real agenda and for fuck sake cease acting the trustworthy guy is a good start.
    Develop a "mess with me at your own risk" attitude and demeanour.
    Keep us updated to progress which I feel is imminent ;)