[Ask a Guy] Can a man be just friends with a woman?

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by thunderseed, May 7, 2016.

  1. thunderseed

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    This is a serious question. Can you be actual friends with a woman, not friends with benefits, and have no sexual attraction at all to her and still find her interesting and fun to hang out with?

    And if you do have feelings for a friend, are you able to move on and still be friends with them if they reject you? Because I have not found anyone who was able to (or perhaps willing to) remain friends with me after I've rejected them. Maybe I'm doing something wrong and it's not them.

    When I was put in the same situation (I once fell for a gay guy and didn't realize he was gay at first) I was able to forget about it, move on and just be friends and as soon as we developed a friendship I lost all sexual attraction to him. I really like sex, but when I'm friends with someone the thought of having sex with them grosses me out because they are like family to me. Even if I do find them attractive at first, as soon as we become just friends, I somehow lose the ability to be attracted to them in that way.

    I've befriended guys all my life because I'm a tomboy but my friendships have never worked out because my friends always end up either wanting sex or a relationship with me. After I tell them I'm not interested in that, they get mad and leave.

    I've gone to such lengths as to befriend really old men and married men and they still end up not being able to be my friend because they develop feelings for me or sexual attraction gets in the way. Maybe they never were my friend to begin with, I just thought or hoped they were, but maybe they were always hoping it would turn into something more and maybe they were just pretending to be friend to impress me or something.

    For example, the last friend that asked me out recently, I was friends with him for 2 years. He is 50 years old and has not aged well. I'm just saying that, because I would never be sexually attracted to an old man like that in the first place, he's the same age as my parents and that just disgusts me. He has a head injury and I just thought he was a nice, decent person to be around.
    I met him on craigslist under the strictly platonic section, and made it really clear from the start that I was not interested in a relationship or sex, just because I know a lot of pervs hang out on craigslist. I was looking for a kayaking partner for a kayaking trip, and we developed what I thought was a really healthy friendship, we would go kayaking, then once winter came around we would go to the gym, motivate each other to be healthy and workout and up to the pool. I felt comfortable being in a bikini around him because he was old and I assumed he would never be attracted to me and also he never once gave me the impression that he was attracted to me. He even insulted my appearance a few times, which made me feel comfortable around him.
    But then just the other day he asked me out. Actually I'm not sure if he was asking for sex or a relationship, because he worded it like "I have a random question I've been wanting to ask you for a long time. Have you ever thought about the two of us?" And I had to reject him and he was very upset. I tried easing the blow by saying "I'm just not interested in anyone right now" which isn't true, but the truth would have hurt him even more. Honestly, I'm really mad that he would even think he had a chance with me and that he would sacrifice our friendship to ask a stupid question like that, when I have NEVER once given him the impression that I was interested in him in that way.
     
  2. Amature

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    I know a lot of guys can, but I can't. Oh sure, I have female lady "friends" on here and Facebook; but if a young, pretty girl like you were hanging around me wearing a bikini, and we were all alone, I'm sure I'd try something. That's why I can safely say I have no real female friends, in real life I mean. Friends wives, female church friends, things like that. But my definition of a friend is different than most I guess. I don't hang out with females alone, go out to lunch with females alone, or things like that. Maybe if my wife were along. But my friends wives are just that. I would do anything I could to help them, give advice, or anything else. But they aren't my friends, they are the wives of my friends. I'm afraid if I had female friends I'd just make a fool out of myself, just like it sounds your friend did.
     
  3. thunderseed

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    Thanks Amature. When I read your point of view I can understand how it might be inappropriate in most cases to be alone with a man, let alone with a bikini on, and maybe that in itself could give them the wrong impression. Sometimes I can be very naive.

    The funny thing is, one of my friends girlfriends told me she was jealous of me but that she knew I would never let him try anything with me so she was fine with us hanging out. But in the end, it turned out she was the one cheating on him!
    So in hindsight I wonder if maybe she just didn't care, I have no idea what went on in their relationship but I have reason to suspect he might have been abusive so I don't think it was all her fault. He was quite a douche. But I think most people think it's unusual when a guy and girl hang out and aren't dating, at least they always assume we are.

    My area is full of desperate people these days, it's like they all want to get married. Maybe that's just the age group I'm in though. I guess most people my age are settling down, getting married, having kids, etc. I signed up for a dating website just to see all the hype and literally tons and tons of guys were sending me messages with marriage proposals LOL like how desperate to you have to be to propose to a complete stranger? None of them even cared about casual sex, it was all about getting married to the first person that you see, needless to say, I did not stay on that dating website for long. I just think people are so terrified of being alone these days.
    Thank fucking god I enjoy being alone.
     
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  4. sammy_606

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    simply NO
     
  5. Amature

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    Well, you obviously felt comfortable being around him and just thought nothing of being in a bikini. But, like it or not, men will be men. He probably just got to thinking you might be interested in more and felt he had better at least try or forever kick himself for not. Although I've never had a woman come onto me that I remember or actually realized, there has been one or two opportunities that I wish I'd have tried, but I feared rejection and looking foolish. And I didn't want to offend the lady or get my face slapped either. LOL.

    On the subject of online dating. When my first wife passed away after 30+ years I wanted to try dating again. I knew one or two single ladies my age and tried asking them out, but they weren't interested. I don't drink, so bars were out. And I live in a rural area, so being in my early 50's made meeting someone difficult. I tried a couple of free dating sites and talked to a couple of single ladies. One was ready to sell her house and move in with me after about a week. Another kept calling me her Teddy Bear and telling me how she wanted to lock me in her closet and keep me for a sex toy (I knew right then she was nuts!). I had all but given up when my now wife messaged me. We talked for hours every night, eventually met up, dated about 9 months, and now we've been married almost four years. So it can happen, you just have to weed through the bad ones.

    I don't like being alone. For a day or so, yes. I do enjoy the quiet solitude occasionally. But not forever. I enjoy talking to females. There are several pretty ladies on here, such as yourself, I really can't imagine why.
     
  6. Hypersexual11

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    I've had several female friends thru the years. Almost all were self admitted sluts and would have fucked me if I wanted but the relationships were all work related and I'm married and would have been my demise. So it is possible to have a friend of a different sex but it's best if sex is an open subject and there is the knowledge that this simply won't be an option. I've found that 'sexually open' women enjoy the safe flirting that happens in this type of relationship. Denying that we are sexual beings is dangerous.
     
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  7. RubyAsh

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    I think they can, but it depends a lot on the situation. For example, one of my dearest and best friends is a man I've know since we were children. It's true that during our teenage years there was some attraction (mainly) from his part, although nothing ever happened between us. We carried on being just very good friend and, funny enough, I was even the one who introduced him to his wife :) We feel comfortable around each other and when we get together, which nowadays doesn't happen often due to life's priorities, we behave as brother and sister rather than friends.
    So, I would again say yes, a man can be just friends with a woman, as long as any existing sexual tension has been cleared away in an honest manner.

    Sorry - I know this was an 'ask a guy' question, but it's one that many women have experienced too :)
     
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  8. Freaky Hard

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    Nope!
    At the risk of sounding like a typical male horndog. My best friend is a woman and I can't resist hitting on her occasionally and delightfully being successful once in a while. While I do enjoy her company without sex or that kind of tension, she is attractive and I cannot help sometimes finding her appearance stimulating. Her cleavage, she bends over and I see her thong, massaging her pretty feet.....OMG!
     
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  9. JonJo

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    Yes of course they can!
    A man doesn't have to try to prove he's a man with every woman he knows, and if he does he's a sad example of a 'man'.
    What the fuck do 'conquests' mean if they mean losing a friend.
    If you're that way inclined you can find a 'slut' for a fuck without spending too much time or effort BUT you won't find a friend so easily.
    I have had a friend for a long, long time and without any sexual thoughts I can see that she is attractive, with all the right bits in all the right places; I can also see that some men are attractive, but it does mean I want to fuck them either.
    I am also friends with her husband, who knows what kind of friendship she and I have - purely platonic.
    When her work schedule allowed it we met up for the occasional lunch, we have been out to dinner and to the theatre (English), just the two of us, and because he knows we are 'safe' he does not mind. One night after the theatre (FUSC), a late dinner and too much to drink we even sleep in the same bed, so what we are friends.
    After a traumatic 7 month stay in hospital I convalesced at their house for 3 months and I saw her naked a few times - attractive without a doubt but sexually attractive not to me. Towards the end of my stay, as my 'strength' returned, bring me early morning tea she caught me aroused (morning wood) a couple of times - did she find it sexual, not from her comments.
    We have shared troubles, secrets and things that probably even brother and sister wouldn't - because we are true friends.
    I honestly think if she changed and 'offered it to me on a plate' that I wouldn't be able to 'get it up' (something without boasting I do not suffered from in different circumstances).
    So again, Yes they can.
     
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  10. Unomike2

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    Thunderseed,
    I am 56 years old. And for me and many other men, being old is a state of mind and not in body. We may have the scars of life on us and we may not look young. But remember, one day you will be 'old' and have the scars of life just like the people you consider old today.
    You are assuming us older men are 'safe'. Some of us are and some of us aren't. Depends on the individual really. As for me, I don't care to be in another relationship no matter the age of the woman. But I have to wonder why would a much younger woman would want to be buddies with someone my age. Is it because they consider me 'safe', settled or financially secure? Could she be interested in me but just taking it slow? I don't know.
    But the point is, if you want to have a non-sexual relationship with an older man or any man for that reason, it's best to talk about it. There will come a point where a guy will find himself wanting to take the relationship you now enjoy with him to the next level. By having that discussion, you'll Save him and you, a lot of frustrating moments.
    Finally, you'll never find happiness in any relationship if you just base it on just his looks. And I say that considering your comment about a guy you know not aging well but was a nice guy.
    Footnote: if you run around men wearing a bikini, we'll admire your youth and sex appeal. We can't help it.
     
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  11. Caljoe

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    Absolutely, they can. Only a very shallow person would consider every woman he knows to be a possible lover or sex partner. Many couples start out as friends and, as they get to know each other better, they do fall in love.
     
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  12. treo

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    I can write a book on this topic. My best friend was an 11 on a scale of 1-10. She was 5'6", 110lbs, 36c bobs and blonde hair. We had become friend many years ago. She was 16 and I was 21. I had always thought she was beautiful. But was immature as most 16 year old girls are at that age.

    I never was sexually attracted to her for that reason. Great to look at but just to wild and crazy for me. She would always ask me for advise though. She had a very keen eye for business though. She was intrigued by me being that at the age of 22 I had my own very successful business.

    She wanted to know how I did it. So through the years her and I had become best friends. She was like my little sister. The older she had gotten the more beautiful she had become. She had lost her immature behaviors and become one of the most successful business women in her industry. She had also spurred off and had gone into other industries and had become very wealthy.

    Her and I would talk just about every day. She would tell me her problems and I would tell her my problems. We would even go off on business trips together. Sleep in the same bed sometimes.

    With all of this being said. As close as we were. I had never told her that I had been in love with her for years. I had grown to admire her for her mind even more then her charm and figure.

    I had so many times wanted to tell her that I was in love with her but never did. That's was for one reason alone. I didn't want to ruin what we had. Our friendship meant more to me than what I had thought a relationship would bring.

    Later on in our life she had shared nude pics of herself with me. She was very much into fitness and wanted me to see what she looked like naked she told me. Which made it so much harder for me to hold back my feelings for her.

    But a life changing event occurred and I had not the courage to tell her. The timing was not right. But that is another story.

    Nonetheless my dear. After looking at your pics. It would seems that your looking for a needle in a hay stack when you ask for a guy to be friends with you and not be attracted to you at the same time.

    I would, if I may suggest. Know that guys will always be attracted to you because, your attractive! It's a biological/ chemical reaction. We can't turn it off. Believe me I tried for years to tell myself my friend was not that pretty. It never worked. Especially after seeing her naked.

    So, this is something your going to have to deal with for the entirety of your life. My friend had to deal with it and it drove her mad sometimes. Always being hit on by so many me. That's why she loved me so much. I never hit on her.

    I hope this helps.
    Good luck!
     
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  13. G987

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    I have a very close friend who is attractive but there are absolutely no sexual feelings between us. So it is possible, within our friends group she's "just one of the lads" as she has the same humour as us.
     
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  14. SexyFantasyGirl

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    absolutely
    why not ?
     
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  15. Sagittarius84

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    I think it's very possible, independent of sexual attraction. Attraction doesn't necessarily mean action, or rather, the need to and act upon the attraction. My girlfriend and I's best friends prior to moving to Michigan were a femme bisexual lesbian couple. They both knew I found them attractive. My girlfriend knew that under different circumstances I would gladly be the meat in their little sandwich. Didn't stop us from going out with them almost every weekend and getting drunk and crazy with no misunderstandings.
    I think this is one of those situations where we heteros can take a real lesson from the gays and lesbians. The issue of men and women being friends is really a front for things that our society struggles with; namely self-control, entitlement, and succumbing to outside opinions. We have fooled ourselves into thinking that attraction is an inevitability toward sex. We place an unconscious burden upon the lusted-after to handle themselves in a way that deters romantic interest. And we allow a very narrow social view to be the measure of our actions.
     
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  16. hornyforu2007

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    I've tried to just be friends but being an Aries I come across as intense and that scares girls. They think I just want to have sex with them which is not always true. Its difficult when you are shy like me and have little interaction with girls. They always think that you have only one thing on your mind. But I don't. I am not like most guys that just want sex from a girl.
     
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  17. TheCaramelLady

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    Yes. My dearest friend is a guy. I shared more with him than anyone else. Things I would share with no one else but him. He had a heart of gold,
     
  18. Rockitmancz

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    I believe you Caramel, but trust me baby.....if he was straight, he wanted to fuck you.
     
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  19. SexyFantasyGirl

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    I disagree with that,not all man look at women as the only thing they are good for is sex.
    why can't a man just think of a women and like her just for a friend,
     
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  20. Rockhd

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    I agree, SFG...I have several female friends. We've gone out to bars, or movies, or dinner...just enjoy our friendship with no sex on the radar.
     
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