Bungled Seduction Opportunties

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Feb 18, 2006.

  1. Logger

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    Bungled Seduction Opportunties.

    There is an encyclpedia of seduction techniques, I recently saw on the web. There are books and diagrams and massage sequences, for seduction. I have seen seduction and flirting Instructional DVD's and books.

    This thread will hopefully be humorous, as I explore my own mis-steps and crossed signals, and erroneous beliefs, as I attempt to increase my scoring percentage with my wife. Sometimes humor can be found by looking inward, at ourselves, in this case at myself.

    Last night, my wife was watching TV, and I unsnapped her bra, and felt her boobs, and reached into her underpants. I opened my locked bag of lubricants. I watched her video tape program with her for a while, then decided that she was going to be watching that tape for a while.

    I knew I should have gotten some vaseline, massaged her with some oil, sucked her nipples, and gotten her hand on my rod. But No. I turned over, and relaxed, and decided to wait a while. I wanted to put my XXX videos on the extra TV screen, but imagined a rejection, by doing that too early. I did not yet have an erection, and wanted some visual assistance. So the next thing I became aware of, I woke up, it was morning, and my wife was leaving for church.

    My laziness in not getting my wife prepped for deeper loving, and my decison to wait a while, resulted in my going to sleep, passed a perfectly good opportunity for sex. I had a belief that I would get rejected if I put on my video. I did not even try my 7 Inch screen.

    Hopefully, no one else has ever bungled a seduction. Perhaps by my logging my mistakes, I will learn from my mis-steps.
     
  2. Mystic

    Mystic New Member

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    Logger, no offence, you are certenly a smart man. I really think if you spent half the time FEELING and talking to your wife as you do formulating and planning everything, you might get some more often. Stop with the lists and plans and make LOVE to her, perhaps it's passion that's missing and putting a damper on things?
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Mystic,

    Any concepts on kindling passion you might be willing to share?

    Thans for replying.
     
  4. Mystic

    Mystic New Member

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    Just my first thoughts after reading your posts, and of course you know you wife better than anyone and perhaps I’m way out in left field here. I just think you are too goal orientated. Women don’t work like men, there is a saying, Men trade love for sex and women trade sex for love. Women need to know you love them. Spend a few nights just cuddling with her, lay in bed with her, stroke her hair, rub her back and arms, and let it go no further. No porn, no dry humping, no attempt for sex, just love her. Talk to her, about anything at all, even the weather if conversation runs dry, and let her drift off too sleep comfortably. After a few days let things go a little further, see how receptive she is. I bet you don’t have to work so hard.

    Honestly, if every night my SO was rubbing his penis up against me, and trying everything he could to get sex, I would get frustrated too. Just let it happen.

    Sex that you have to try that hard for is rarely worth it IMO.
     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Mystic,

    Your suggestion of taking it easy, and doing starting level arousal massage and foreplay, is something upon which we agree. I have a few approaches that are starter level aproaches.

    I try to be sensitive to my wife's level of arousal, before moving to a further, progressive stage. Also, I try to be sensitive, to having advanced too far, too fast, and I wil back off, and discontinue all touching, for a while. Then I will start up again at the beginning levels, and progress as I sense arousal.

    You mention that you are not ready on a daily basis. Certainly there are many wives who are not ready on a daily basis. Do any compromises come to mind?

    Is it important for a husband to share his climaxes with his wife? Besides dry humping, petting or loving, mutual masturbation, are there other compromises for those days when a wife is not in the mood, and her husband is frustrated?

    Are you familiar with the Prostate Cancer research that indicates that men who ejaculate at least 5 times a week in their youth, have a reduced risk of cancer?
    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=200

    Are there times of the day or other circumstances in which you are more approachable?

    Are ther caressing areas which are starting levels for you? My wife's pubic mound and up to her belly button seemd to be an area for starter caressing receptivitiy, in additon to the large leg and back muscles for massage. My wife is usually receptive to caressing her feet, as a starter.
     
    #5 Logger, Feb 21, 2006
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2006
  6. deeperlover1978

    deeperlover1978 New Member

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    Best advice i can give is not to think about it too much. thinking about it makes it more complicated than it needs to be. Thats just from my experinaces
     
  7. Mystic

    Mystic New Member

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    I just mean, it doesn't have to always lead to sex.

    From my own experience, for a long time SO and I had sex maybe once a week, and while I enjoyed it, I did it mostly as a favour to him. I began to resent our weekly event. Everynight he seemed to be "trying for sex". It drove me crazy. I work very early in the morning and by the time I get to bed I practicaly die when I hit the pillow, he would come home at night (he works late) and start, what I felt like, just grabbing at me. My breasts, ass, and crotch. I would get angry, roll over and go to sleep. We were both frustrated.

    One day, we were arguing over something silly I'm sure, and he said something about us never having sex, and I said something about us never spending time together without it having anything to do with sex. Everything came to a screeching hault. We didn't understand each other at all. I thought he was always just poking at me for sex, and he thought he was giving me all kinds of attention and never having sex. If that makes sence.

    My point in all of this rambling, is that we just weren't understanding each others needs. Now that everything is out in the open, I understand that he needs sex as much as I need him to understand when I just need to be left alone. Now we have nights where I'll give him "his" just to get him off, nights where he understands that I'm just too tired and he'll just give me a kiss and stroke my hair until I drift off, and nights/days where we enjoy each other fully.

    I don't know that you are, but if you are seeking out everynight to have sex with your wife, she may be just as frustrated as I was. Spend some time just laying with her, watching her shows or whatever. Hug her, tell her you love her.

    Better yet, if you are looking to rekindle a little passion, go all out, get a hotel room, flowers, candles, champange, strawberries, the whole deal, set it up beforehand. I bet it would be worth all the effort. Make it a suprise, tell her you want to take her out for dinner and make a detour afterwards. Trust me, women love that stuff, they love to see that their man would go to that effort for them. I bet she will make it up to you.

    JMHO
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    There is a book called "The Five Languages of Love", by Gary Chapman.
    Excellent book on how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.

    Sometimes we express what WE feel love is... but we need to express to our lovers, what THEY feel love is. It's not about "US" - - it's about "THEM".

    Finding the language of love that THEY understand is a valued tool in communicating true love. As in any language barrier, once you learn THEIR language, then they accept and embrace your communication and love.

    Hope this does not come across as rambling....
     
  9. Mystic

    Mystic New Member

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    THAT'S the point I was trying to make Rose! You say it so much better (and shorter) then I do! :lol
     
  10. Logger

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    Dear Mystic,

    One of your suggestions was to increase the clarity of communication. My wife may be experiencing irritation by my cuddling with her, when she is not in the mood for rubbing, dry humping and insertion.

    I have slowed down, as i have gottn older, so I have to really work to get an erection after just 24 hours. So I have started to let my wife know, that she has a day off. That my caressing is not intended to create a climax, that night. My wife seemed to welcome the news of her night off. So you were correct, that communication can be improved.

    Your feedback that my wife might not always be up for rubbing and dry humping gave me the idea to be more sensitive to her readiness. The other day, I just masturbated with my wife massaging my root and balls. I am thinking of a question for readiness, like, "Can I rub against you, or would you prefer that I just pump myself?"

    Mostly, my wife is ready every night, I just have to catch the 20 minute window of opportunity, as she winds down to go to sleep. I am struggling along.

    Blessings
     
  11. Logger

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    Dear Rose,

    I borrowed the book, THE FIVE LANGUAGS OF LOVE from the public library some 6 months ago. Thank you for bringing the conept to my attention. I had some materials from some threads on other forums, and I will transfer it here. I had to look for past threads, so the 5 LANGUATGES OF LOVE have been in my mind for a few weeks now.

    Y 5 Languages of Love

    1. Word Affirmations
    2. Quality Time
    3. Gifts
    4. Service
    5. Touch

    I also added Languages No. 6 through 15.

    My wife likes gifts, but is not gracious about receiving gifts. I try to show love through Service. My wife discounts my efforts in Service. I would like to receive words of Affirmation from my wife, but she is not tuned in to giving compliments or encouragement.


    1. Words of Affirmation-Sincere compliments and encouraging words-this person always has something nice to say and they often expect kind words in return. One hallmark of this language is the way people ask for what
    they want, i.e. "Love makes requests, not demands" Requires humility, Demands are put-downs implying "I am important and you are not. Do this for me, your desires don't matter." A humble request looks like this-giving choices-"You probably have more important things to do, but would you consider doing this? I would be grateful".

    2. Quality Time-People show their love by simply being there, by spending time with their mates. "It is a matter of being completely there, being a companion, not just taking up space. It does not mean that we have to spend our moments together gazing into each other's eyes. It means we are doing something together and we are giving our
    full attention to the other person." (This fits Harley's recreational companionship category) Chapman breaks this down into two components:
    One is simple togetherness, the other is quality conversation.

    Quality conversation requires involvement, eye contact, full attention (active listening), listening THROUGH the words for the feelings being expressed, understanding the body language, not much interruption, a
    soul-to-soul connection not just mind to mind.

    3. Gifts-Some communicate their love in the language of gift-giving and they look to receive it from others in the same way. gifts are visual symbols of love, not a matter of money, tokens of our feelings for the other...an investment of a certain amount of emotion, wisdom, time, expense, and effort in the process of imagining, creating, choosing,
    buying, wrapping, or transporting a gift to you, all because of love.

    These gifts are often displayed, similar to trophies all around them, not because they are greedy and put emphasis in "things" but because of the way they prize the love behind the token of love. It is physical evidence of love involved.

    4. Acts of Service-Sees love in doing things for others and expects this same kind of action from others. In some ways I see this as similar to the gift giving in that some of the acts of service may be help around the house, remodeling, etc...visual things that show one's love. It is more than cooking a special dinner, it may include baking a favorite cake as an extra to show love. It is helping to pack his or her suitcase for a trip and maybe putting in love notes, or a baked goodie, bubble bath or whatever else, you know he/she would like. Lehman, once a year, deposits his wife in a motel with flowers, books, room service, etc. and leaves her for a weekend to give her space while he deals with the kids. Now that is above and beyond the call of duty, but you can see how loved she must feel.

    5. Physical Touch-Goes beyond sex, but seems to display itself in guys via sex, but it is more than sex. It is about big and little kisses, hand-holding, backrubs, arm around the shoulder, playing footsie, sharing an armrest to the movies, lightly stroking a hand...etc.


    One Language of Love that is not mentioned, that my Wife likes, is the Language of Punishment.

    6. Punishment and Criticism: My wife enjoys expressing her Love in the Language of Criticism and Punishment. This may not be the ideal Language of Love, but the Language of Punishment is sometimes used in Love Relationships.

    When my wife used the Language of Punishment today, I mentioned the Language of Accolades, and W seemed to slow down a bit. At least we have concepts to discuss our needs and desires.

    A Language that I use with my wife is desiring to do things for W.

    7. Missing, Longing, Desiring, Hoping. W usually responds if I let her know I am missing her, or desiring to be with her, or receive a hug from her, or just talk to her.

    8. Asking, Requesting.

    9. Demanding, Threatening

    10. Drawing out Questions, to get the other spouse to talk about their ideas, values, priorities, struggles, experiences.

    11. Loving Confrontation. Tough issues discussed at a neutral time, with a problem solving approach.

    12. Pouting, Sulking, Feeling Neglected. This mode is valid if an issue is not getting adequate attention. Sulking should be done with a clear explanation of the feeling of neglect. If I am sulking, I should be sure that my reasons for feeling neglected have been understood by my spouse. Sulking for very long, probably loses its effect.

    13. Cooling Down. If things have gotten too emotional, then a cooling down period may well be the best approach. I should be sure that I am avoiding transcending into punishment. I should be sure that I am not arousing feelings of worry or jealous suspicions if I leave the house to cool down.

    14. Adamantly Refusing Discussion of Certain Topics. If my spouse uses this strategy on me, then trying most of the languages is fruitless. I can either go to Punishment, Threatening, Cooing Down, or Sulking.

    15. Fight Talk. This is raised voice, wording not intended to solve any problem, but rather just expressing ideas intended to show that the other person is wrong, and the speaker is right, and more righteous.








    p
     
  12. Logger

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    16. Sweet Talking. This is appearing to be loving and concerned, but in a way that does not fit the total situation. Sweet talk is enchanting when both lovers have decided to put their cares aside and enjoy the moment. If one partner is not ready to abandon all cares at that moment, then an extra sweet approach will seem insincere, when a problems solving approach would be more appropriate. Sweet talk without mutual abandon can appear manipulative, or uncaring.

    Others?