Bringing up the subject of trying " new" things with your partner.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by alwaystry, Oct 14, 2013.

  1. alwaystry

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    Obviously situations vary but how do you bring up trying " new" things with your partner. I say "new " as in you have or they have done it in the past or new to both of you. In my current situation she used to be a little more wild and adventurous but that has faded. Most things I bring up now usualy ends up with a reply like " why, did you do that with your ex's " , " why , am I boring " , " or why would you do that ". In past talks we have discussed our sexual past and mine is a bit more adventurous. She is not open to very much and is a bit self concious and skeptical. She has no reason to be , she is attractive and I only want to spice it up. We have less time nowadays but I would still try and do more. our sex has pretty much come don to her on top or meon top. I bring up Ideas in a offhanded mentioning but doesn't seem to go any where. Any sit down discussion has usualy gotten into negativity but sometimes it seems like she thinks about it. Ihave mentioned trying another guy to have us both please her, toys , voyeurism , roll playing , dirty talk , differant positions , and just getting dirty with cum. Seems like it just goes in one ear out the other. Anyideas? Input? You own situations?
     
  2. sirknight

    sirknight New Member

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    From my experience (married 15 yes) Women are always worried you are comparing therm to other women. In their minds if they are recreating something you did with a past lover then they think they must not be good enough. This will make them self conscious. I think they won't even try something new if they think you will compare their performance to a girl in your past. NEVER tell a woman details about past lovers. If you do they won't try any of the things you told them you did with them. They want to believe they are the only sexual memory you have. (But they don't want an inexperienced lover, women we will never fully understand them) don't get mad Laddies, there's truth in love.
     
  3. alwaystry

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    Ah yes. Makes sense but she is the one that asked me back when we first started seeing eachother and she at the time had a few guys she was " seeing" , I did not want to lie and I think maybe she did not expect me to have "dabbled" or have been so open minded when itcomes to sex. And usual I am the self concious one, I worry if I am doing things up to their standard or if I do something that is past their level of "kink"....
     
  4. Anotherday

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    Neither of you should go around comparing yourselves or each other to previous relationships. That's just asking for resentment and inferiority woes in the end.

    I don't know what to tell you other than have a discussion about fantasy. Ask her if she has any fantasies, and if she'll open up, listen in a non-judgmental fashion. And keep in mind that just because she has a fantasy you don't have to be expected to actually act on them.

    It's just a good ice breaker in a relationship to get a few things out in the open and enjoy listening to each other.

    The big hurdle is to have the initial discussions about such things in the first place. A truly open and honest one and not regress into insecurities/jealousies/judgments of each other.

    Once that is done, I can tell you it can be wonderful and quite liberating.
     
  5. Docksitter

    Docksitter New Member

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    Constant comparison of self to other? Severe neuroticism. Needs professional treatment.
     
  6. kipro150

    kipro150 Member

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    could try things like different positions during sex? like if you're on top kinda just changing it up lol. like from missionary to spooning you could move and lay to her side and guide her to the position. Could backfire and shell be like "wtf are you doing" lol, but then i'd ask why shes so averse to doing something different (after, i mean. and nicer. I'd just laugh it off and go back to a position shes ok with)

    some of your other topics do need to be talked through though and cant be done like that. there's a lot of ways to have sex so why not have fun with eachother finding all of them, is kinda the tone i'd take. not "you won't do anything new"

    just my 2 cents though
     
  7. 12barblues

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    It's a tough spot to be in....I have had both in my lifetime, a woman that was horribly out of touch with herself and her sexuality, and a woman that was very in touch with herself and her own sexuality....one that I couldn't discuss anything with, and one that talks openly and honestly about sexual things. And I can't imagine either woman ever being the other way. I guess what I'm saying is these " qualities" are either in a person or they aren't. In my experience I have never known a person to change in that respect.....but best of luck
     
  8. troubledandie

    troubledandie New Member

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    As women are more stimulated in the mind, what about getting her to read erotica? There are websites like literotica that allow you to read stories submitted by members on the sexual topic of your choice. This could really spark something in her as it did for me. I went from rarely caring about sex and just fulfilling my obligations to thinking about it practically 24/7 at this point and having a veritable dungeon set up in my bedroom. All from having my mind stimulated. If she wont go for this, then I suggest talking candidly with her and asking right out what she likes. How she likes to be touched. Does she ever wish for it to be different? Rougher? Softer? Then listen to what she says and explore. Let her "teach" you how to excite her. Let it evolve naturally and be HER idea. Even if you guided it a little. You may have better luck this way since it doesn't seem she's responding very positively when it's your suggestion. Sounds like there are some pretty big insecurities there and those need to be addressed as well. It's hard for a woman to feel free to explore her sexuality when she feels insecure about herself and isnt comfortable in her skin so I would address those issues however is best for your situation as a couple.
     
  9. Cappy_Dick

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    Agree that with most women find that being asked to try something you've done with someone else, gives them a false sense of being compared and feeling inadequate. Leave your past out of it. Talking about new things should come from something you read about, once saw in a video or one of the guys mentioned.

    I'll talk about a couple of methods that worked with my ex-wife. Just to keep the story straight here, our bedroom activities had nothing to do with why we're not still together. This was in the 80's. There was no internet, no less no online porn. There was also no online ordering of hardcore videos or sex toys.

    I was 8 years older than her and had a fair amount of experience and she was fairly inexperienced. She was English, so fairly prudish outside the bedroom, but loved sex inside it. It took awhile just to get her to say the four most important bedroom words... cock, tits, pussy and fuck. Our early sex life was rather vanilla in the beginning. She gave me some head. I ate her til she came and fucked her til I did. Yea, that was fine at first, but got old being the same thing every time. I already knew that saying something was great with so and so, and we should try it was the wrong way to try "new" things.

    With some of the simpler things, I just coyly made them happen. I had already had a preference for woman on top intercourse. but she only ever wanted the traditional "missionary". One night after her usuall getting me "big and hard" with her oral skills, instead of letting her lie next to me for her turn, I pulled her onto my chest for the kissing. I reached down and fingered her as I continued to kiss her. It didn't take her long to cum this way and when she did, I just put my cock in her. That night she discovered how to fuck me back, that the deeper penetration and increased friction made her orgasm during intercourse and that I lasted a lot longer in that position. She didn't need any further convincing to initiate or ask for this in the future.

    I had learned in the past that mutual oral to mutual orgasm gave me the most intense orgasms. Again, telling her this would lead to the comparing syndrome. So, one night, as she gave me my usual oral delights, instead of waiting for her to be ready for her turn, I pulled away and started doing her. She liked sucking me and hadn't had her fill, but little did she know, this was on purpose. Once she was lost in me pleasing her, I just swung myself around, without missing a beat with my tongue. Having left her wanting more and discovering my cock next to her face, she instinctively started sucking me again. Quite hungerly actually. When she was on the verge of cumming, I released my load. Swallowing me as she came made it more intense for her as well. she also learned that this turned me on so much that I stayed hard for a bit of frenzied intercourse. This usually resulted in another orgasm for her and us both blissfully spent in each other's arms.

    For some more advanced things, I found a trick that worked. Back then there was nowhere near the choices on tv or payperview that there is now. We weren't getting rich and the expense of going to the movies, with having to get a sitter just wasn't often practical, we were in the habit of renting a video every Friday night. She almost always wanted horror movies, which I didn't care for at all. But, if she was happy at bedtime, I'd get extra special Friday night sex, that usually sent me to a blissful sleep without thinking of the previous 2 hrs of creepy shit.
    However, every now and then on my way out to work on Friday, she'd say "You pick something". After work, I went to the liquor store to get a bottle of wine she liked. We couldn't afford it all the time, so it was a treat. It also made her horny and less inhibited.

    There was a new video place in town that had an adult section. Back then, most porn videos were made with a story line. I don't remember which movie it was, other than Vanessa Del Rio was one of the stars.

    With movie time approaching, I spread the comforter out in front of the sofa. I poured us each a glass of wine and took her's to her in the kitchen, where she was finishing up. I rolled the tape past the opening title and credits to remove suspicion and stopped it. When she came in, she had already finished most of the glass of wine. I filled it again as she sat down next to me. She already had that "the wine's made me horny" look in her eyes. I grabbed the remote and pressed play. For like the first 10 minutes or so, the film was just like any romantic cornball movie.

    When the couple on screen started to kiss and make out, I kissed her neck and lightly fondled her breasts, she was glowing from the wine and was liking it. The scene began to evolve from softcore petting, into hardcore sex. She seemed a bit shocked at first, but kept watching. I slid my hand up her skirt and massaged her inner thigh. Before long, she had her skirt moved to one side and had her hand in her panties, playing with her pussy. I had asked her to do this for me before but she was too embarrassed to. So, I wasted no time sliding her panties of to get a good view. I took out my cock and slowly stroked it for her to see. We found ourselves looking back and forth, from the action on the screen, to the action in the room. She moaned loudly at the money shot on the screen, so I started pumping faster, to shoot all over her pussy. She knew and said "don't cum yet". "I want to try some things we just saw". So, we did and it was great. After that, she wanted an adult film most Fridays, 'til we had watched a great deal of them and had tried what she liked when she watched and just wanted the wine and some candles in the bedroom on Friday nights and I rarely had to watch horror movies any more.

    Moral of the story? If it's new for you as a couple, make it new for both of you.

    xx
     
  10. Plate

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    Making a woman understand that we have desires and needs too is difficult sometimes. It's hard sometimes for them to realize that we don't want to go out chasing women and carrying on we would rather stay home a enjoy the beautiful woman we have at home. It's also hard for them to get past that WE need to be pleased too. Society's rule is that we must "please them" while they lay back and be finicky about what they do or don't like but in reality, for a marriage or partnership to work, it MUST be a 50/50 proposition. Now, as society becomes more and more liberal and fluid, it is fading albeit more slowly than many care to experience. She is a product of the times that were.
     
  11. AtkCCC

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    My wife usually just blurts it out when she wants to try something new...or brings it up watching porn.
     
  12. sweetnspicey

    sweetnspicey New Member

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    I am always up for anything new and spicey. I wana try so many different thing but my guy is unsure if he wants to. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. So my question is how do I get him interested in trying new things?
     
  13. alwaystry

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    Thanks , your story helps and the moral makes sense! Althought I still think this will not go as well for me. Our comunication isn't great , kind of auto defensive.
     
  14. alwaystry

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    For me In the past and even now off handed hints are a good start. On the spot during sex can work both ways , I have been caught off guard buy a sudden suggestion and just went with it and found it tobe a huge turn on such as "non cheesy" dirty talk. But then again I had something suggested and put in a situation where I was surprised and it seemed as though there was a plan and I felt uncomfortable but after talking found it to be hot! But in general , sitting around , having time alone with her and a drink , some flirty well placed questions led to discussions and had a snow ball effect.....in the past that is. Current girl , not so much
     
  15. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I'll admit that since I've only been with my wife my experience is limited. However, I'll always remember her saying how she was eager to try new things I suggested because, since I had not having been with anyone, it made her feel "special", and took it as a sign of how much she got me excited that I ignored other woman and kept coming up with new ideas for her. So I agree with what some have mentioned before about not bringing up what you have done with someone in the past, but treating the relationship and these things as something "special".
     
  16. alwaystry

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    Hey thanks. This has been helpful for sure!
     
  17. oldkid

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    HEAR! HEAR! :eyes
     
  18. Silverfox

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    I think you need to look at why your communication is "auto defensive". I think that's your problem right there. Sounds to me that you don't trust each other. Without the trust, at least for a woman like your wife, you're not going to get anywhere. I would suggest you have some serious talks, maybe even some counseling, to get what's wrong out and dealt with.