Break up b/c of no sex?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mike Sexton, Nov 28, 2006.

  1. Mike Sexton

    Mike Sexton New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2006
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi there,

    I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years now, and I'm quite happy with her. Well, almost, because she doesn't wanna have sex before marriage, but I certainly do. She's told me this from the beginning, and I accepted it because I didn't wanna be "that guy" who's only about one thing. And my life has been better ever since.
    But the more serious the relationship is getting, the smaller are the prospects of having a sexual relationship in the future. So I'm thinking if I should end the relationship because I feel I'm not being true to myself. I've told my girlfriend that it concerns me, and she understands, but she's not gonna change. I certainly don't have any right to demand her to change, and I wouldn't want to make her choose. Marriage is also not an issue, it's far too early for that. So should I end it?
     
  2. loveit247

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    1,241
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Cape Town
    If you love her and want to marry her then no.
    If you don't love her and don't want to marry her then yes.
     
  3. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, you misled her from the beggining. I feel that it is only fair that you tell her the truth. If you break up, so be it. I can see how that might be trouble, but if you can't be happy in your relationship, you need to end it. I think you have to ask yourself what it is worth to you. Is it really worth throwing away?
     
  4. pirouette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2006
    Messages:
    2,463
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Upstate New York
    I see it a bit differently. It would appear that you wanted to try a non-physical relationship with this woman because you saw somwthing special in her. It would also appear that you did not realise how important physical affection can be in a relationship.
    I don't think you mislead her. And I don't see an issue in being true to yourself either. It would appear that you have learned something about yourself. You do need physical affection in a serious relationship. And perhaps the reality of being celibate for many years (dating for years, being engaged for some time, and eventually getting married) is no longer appealing.
    I would discuss it with her very openly and honestly. Good luck.
     
  5. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,364
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Virginia
    I have to be totally honest. Especially these days, if I was a woman, I would tell any guy "ain't no way ['scuse the grammar Puss ;>] you gonna get me into the sack before there is a signed marriage certificate on our wall and an engagement ring and wedding ring on my finger AND A LAB REPORT IN MY HAND WHICH SAYS THAT YOU ARE DISEASE FREE AND YOU HAVE PASSED THE BACKGROUND CHECK I HAD CONDUCTED ON YOU, boyfriend!!!" And if that was the cause of me being a perpetual virgin, so be it! And, as a male, if I was single these days I'd say the same thing to my girlfriend! And even if I lost some potential mates, you'd probably be surprised about how many potential mates there are out there who would be in agreement with me! There's an old saying "why buy the cow when you can get free milk" and, sadly, that seems to me to apply to too many guys these days. And speaking of lab reports, anybody notice that there is a world wide HIV and AIDS epidemic. The area in which I live is said to the the curable STD capitol of the United States! Oh well, all this in my humble opinion of course, ha, ha!

    "Let never a man a wooing wend who lacketh things three:
    a store of gold, a heart that's pure and full of charity....!"
     
  6. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    That's two things .... what's the third?
     
  7. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,364
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Virginia
    1) Store of gold, 2) pure heart, 3) heart full of charity - it's in an album of old English songs called "Below the Salt" by a group called "Steel Eye Span", I think that they were called. Nice album, I always thought! Had some kind of risque songs which, of course, I enjoyed, ha, ha!

    And, in saying what I said, I am not trying to be mean to anybody. How people conduct their life is their business and I am not saying anything negative about anyone on SF. I am just saying that I would be very careful and in a committed relationship, preferably marriage, before having sex if I was a young person these days. My wife is a social worker. She doesn't break confidentiality, however, in a very general manner, she tells me a lot of horror stories about what sorts of things she sees going on and I have other sources of disturbing information. I don't want our nation to become a bunch of grim Puritans, I just simply think that a lot of people are risking disease and "using" other people when sex OUGHT to be about commitment and love and respect. I enjoy sex as much as any other guy and secretly notice other women at times (I don't tell my wife about noticing other women, however, out of respect and love for her). Even so, I just never have been the sort of person who could "fuck 'em and forget 'em. I have to have some emotional connection, some deep caring involved as well. And there ARE a LOT of diseases out there which you can get and a lot of people who don't care if they get them or pass them on as well. However, again, that is just ME, my opinion about what I should do and other people will have to follow the dictates of their own conscience - assuming that they have one, of course, ha, ha!
     
  8. Mike Sexton

    Mike Sexton New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2006
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for all the replies!
    I'm 21, my girlfriend is 23. The relationship has involved pretty much everything else sexually except for intercourse. That's what's kept me going :) I couldn't be so close with someone and have little or no physical contact. But it's so hard to hold back when you want to "make love" to somebody that you like (love) very much, when it all feels right.
    I also don't think much of the "waiting till marriage" concept, as I am experiencing the consequences personally, because it's hurting our relationship. Even my girlfriend says she actually wants to sleep with me, but she's stubborn - having come this far, she's not gonna change her opinion. It's a cultural thing. But then again, I think if she wasn't like this, she'd be a different person, things would be different, and we maybe wouldn't be together,
    And she's sooooo pretty, the idea of one day going all the way with her is just.... WOW!
     
  9. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Messages:
    1,364
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Virginia
    Well, there's another answer, my friend - MARRY the young lady! ;>
     
  10. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    I found a special woman and like your girlfriend she decided no sex before marriage, she was 24 I was 27. There were complexities, she was from another country, so we had to marry quickly because of immigration issues. But up until marriage I was still prepared to accept her decision, but we went away for the weekend, and she and I had sex. She decided I was the 'one' and the rule she set for herself didn't apply anymore. I could have waited the extra four months or so, it was her decision. At the time it was better than good for me because I knew she was truly genuine to me for doing such a thing. It was also good because the timing (a relaxing weekend away) was way better than our wedding night which followed later. Wedding nights are bad, it was an enjoyable day, but long, and we were both tired. By then it didn't matter however, because we had the most romantic sexual experience we could have dreamed of.

    In your case, I think you have two options. Do you love her like I love my wife? If so, get married now. If you don't feel comfortable about marrying in a month or three, then you should listen to what your inner self is saying, it is sometimes beyond endurance to deny the enjoyment and pleasure of sex for indefinite periods.
     
  11. crashdown

    crashdown New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2006
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    At college
    I completley agree with you, I care about my boyfriend of 1 year very deeply but I'm definitley not ready for such a serious step. And if he truly loves me than I know he will wait until I'm ready. Maybe not for marriage but until I'm ready to return love to him fully, just like cbrmale explained about he and his girlfriend.

    Mike Sexton,
    If you feel like you can't wait until marriage or don't see a future with this girl than you should break up, because it's not fair to either of you to put stock in a relationship that you know isn't going anywhere.
     
  12. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    You didn't read all my posting, I was going to wait four months for my then girlfriend, but I didn't have to. There is no way that I would wait any longer than a few months, not for anyone. Sex is not bad, evil, wicked, dirty or particularly special.

    If someone can't love me all ways, and my now wife showed me she loved me completely when we had sex well before our marriage, then I wouldn't wait.
     
  13. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    You knew going into this relationship that sex was not going to be on the agenda and to end it after 1 1/2 years because she won't put out is hypocritical. Instead I would look deep inside to see the real reason why you want to end it. Did you think after being with her for a period of time that one day she was going to wake up and say, "geeze I want to screw his brains out"? In any event you are probably doing her a favor by ending it.
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    I don't think you deliberately misled your GF, Mr. Sexton . I'm sure you had every intention of following through on your resolve.
    When a new relationship blossoms, the two people entering it can be blindsided with 'visions of grandeur'. Madly in love, one or both of them can feel:
    10-feet tall and bulletproof
    Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
    Can withstand lengthy periods of abstinence
    :lol

    So the question is, should you break up? Well, you do not have the right to attempt to talk her into doing something she has purposed in her heart not to do. YOU're the one having trouble following through. So, if you must have full intercourse to survive, then the answer is YES - end the relationship.
    However, I suggest you not put it to her in such a way that she feels she is being given an 'ultimatum'. :tsktsk If you decide you can't continue, make sure she knows it's YOUR problem, and has nothing to do with her. (....boy, that sounded like a cliche'!) - but, if you truly care for her, it will be important to you to send her off feeling good about herself - and not like she failed.