Boyfriend would rather masturbate than have sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by LadyChristina, Jul 23, 2013.

  1. LadyChristina

    LadyChristina Banned

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    Let me preface this message by saying I have no problem with porn if it doesn't interfere with relationships and is not placed above actual sex/intimacy.

    I am with a man, in love, and he constantly rejects me sexually (or rather it used to be before I decided to make myself available to him but leave him along last month) even if he's hard. Zoloft has decreased his sex drive which I 100% understand but this was the case prior to Zoloft, too. I wouldn't have such an issue if I didn't know he watched porn and jerked off *at least* once daily, sometimes to the point of chafing his skin. I am hygienic, attractive, dress well, love him to pieces and he claims to love me but nothing.

    I brought this subject up a few times, most recently last week when I was concerned that it had been 2 months since we were intimate. He didn't lose his virginity until he was 24 and admitted he prefers jerking off to his fantasies/fetishes to having sex with me or touching me. The whole ordeal has led me to feel insecure, which I never really did in this way,and physically sick to my stomach. It hurts to be rejected and have your needs neglected.

    How should I talk about this again? I expressed it made me extremely depressed and feel ill. I want to come to some sort of fair compromise and discuss this without seeming like an insensitive sex monster :ugh :help:
     
  2. backcheck64

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    I have a question, if he was displaying these actions BEFORE the Zoloft, why did you continue the relationship? I find it strange that he waited till he was 24 to loose his virginity in the first place, then to still not have much if any interest in sex while you apparently do...what's the point. If you're looking for a sexless relationship, you've got it made. If you're looking for intimacy, move on dear.
     
  3. donk730

    donk730 Member

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    Dump him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  4. kipro150

    kipro150 Member

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    that could kinda be a deal breaker even if you love him. I mean..it should be in his mind that he should do everything he can to satisfy you and he's being pretty selfish. you've even brought it up and he hasn't done anything to help the situation...

    I'm not good with stuff like this since I find it impossible to deal with stubbornness, but just make it clear how big of a problem it is. If he doesn't put in the effort to change things, then there's not much more you can do
     
  5. lbushwalker

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    LC, first welcome to :sf
    From what you say here and in your intro you guys are sexually incompatible in an almost extreme way which frankly makes your relationship with him doomed from the start.
    BC64 nailed it with the comment about him only losing his cherry at ripe age of 24.
    You don't mention what type of porn gets him off and it probable doesn't matter but what does is that his sexual gratifications are internalised and dedicated for himself alone.
    You on the other hand not only have a high libido but a definite spicy kink which you need to exhibit, experience and exercise.
    Sadly my advice is like the others but perhaps more moderated in executing; let him go if only for your own wellbeing and sanity.
    Neither of you will be happy in extending this relationship and it will end in tears anyway so better earlier than later.
    From your pics and descriptions so far be very, very certain that there are millions of hot blooded dudes out there only too eager and willing to become your new sub ;)
     
    #5 lbushwalker, Jul 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2013
  6. sandwich

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    Does he recognize that his porn habit has become an addiction that has impaired his life functioning? A person can't change what he/she has not acknowledged.

    If it were me, and the relationship was a longer term one with love feelings on both sides, I might be inclined to ask him to consider that he might have an addiction problem and see if he is willing to seek help. That's what you would do with an alcoholic or gambling addict. You wouldn't necessarily throw the relationship out the window. You would, however, temporarily remove yourself from the situation so he can see that you are serious about needing the addiction to end to continue on in the relationship.

    If he won't address it, then it will likely only get worse. I would be out of there for good if he refused.

    You did say you love him, but has he professed love for you?
     
    #6 sandwich, Jul 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2013
  7. Essene

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    If you'd brought the issue to him before- how has he responded? That can be an indicator of how he may respond again.

    Before just dumping him, if you really care about him you should exhaust other options such as therapy. If he doesn't love you or care about you in general- then therapy may be a waste as well. A lot goes on biochemically whether we're on or off of drugs.

    There are a plethora of questions that should be asked- has he ever been sexually attracted to you enough to engage in sexual activity with you?

    Why did he wait until 24 to lose his virginity? (I ask because I did something very similar)

    A lot of the time the issues one experiences where an antidepressant is deemed to be warrant-able can aid in alienating people socially/physically. Their actions and beliefs may be unfounded and rather counterintuitive; but they're indoctrinated in them and thus believe that they're worthless/unloved/unwanted/unimportant/a myriad of other more-or-less severe feelings. What happened in his past? Is there anything that would point to psychological trauma? When depressed/upset/sad people without clinical neuroses revert to facets of life that make them feel comfortable (friends, music, various activities). Perhaps, as these desires can be exacerbated by depression/compulsive disorders, that is what he reverts to.

    If the issues do indeed stem primarily from one/many psychoneuroses then how you approach the situation should be with clear intention yet a calm demeanor. Also- a therapist would help as well.

    Dumping him sans exhausting other methods 1. is an answer; but 2. isn't the BEST answer in my opinion.
     
    #7 Essene, Jul 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2013
  8. CaptHammer

    CaptHammer Member

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    I can't understand it either.
     
  9. Cappy_Dick

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    In another post, you mention that he takes Zoloft for anxiety. While Zoloft and other SSRI medications can help with anxiety, their main use is to treat depression. If he does not have a depression issue, then he is being over medicated.

    For generalized anxiety, there are much better choices. Such as; Busparone, Clonazepam and Hydroxyzine. I'd recommend he discuss this with his Dr. Especially if he had got this from his general practitioner. Mental Health drugs are very hit and miss. Even with a mental health professional, it often takes some trial and error to find the right medication for a patient. GP's generally just try people out on stuff from the drug reps that bring lots of goodies to his office. Sometimes you need to ask them to try you on something different. Even with a mental health professional, you sometimes need to do research and make suggestions.

    Another thing to consider is SSRI meds not only tend to lower the sex drive, but are also notorious for inhibiting a male's ability to orgasm. Since he is far more used to taking care of himself, this may be a much easier way for him to cum. He also may feel that he might leave you feeling that you are failing him, because he can't seem to cum having sex with you. A man with a high sex drive would have probably already sought different script options. But, as you say he had a lower sex drive, he's probably happy enough that he has a way to empty his balls as needed, that works.

    The above advice is based on personal experiences and knowledge and is not meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice and personal pharmacutical research. Read up on the options, and discuss them with a health professional. While commonly prescribed, SSRI's are not the right choice for everyone.

    If you were ok with his lower sex drive before he was on the meds, then things should be ok if he gets something better suited to him

    xx
     
    #9 Cappy_Dick, Jul 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2013
  10. Succubus

    Succubus New Member

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    Unfortunately this isn't even uncommon these days. Google "porn addiction" or just queries like "prefers porn over sex" etc. I did all that after I realized my husband had given up sex to just indulge 100 percent in his porn addiction. He refused to acknowledge it as a problem, he refused to get help.

    Some of them do get help though, here (link below) is a whole forum full of people who have had that issue and their partners can post there for support too:

    I think I could feel my brain rewiring

    Anyway I hope you have better luck than I did. I ended up having an affair after being sexually rejected for several months. And honestly he doesn't even care now that the pressure is off him to have sex, and he can just indulge completely in his porn addiction instead.
     
  11. Teresa1214

    Teresa1214 New Member

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    You are not at all. You are completely justified for feeling the way you do. I know this sounds extreme. But it sounds like you might need to move on. It seems as though he is not going to change. When I was married I had to beg my ex husband for sex. That was not the reason the marriage broke up, but it had to do with some of it. I am now with a man who loves sex and we have a great sex life. I had forgotten how good sex can be. You really need to do some hard thinking about this.
     
  12. Anotherday

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    Don't beat yourself up about it at all.

    he obviously has an addiction, it's up to him to change his ways, but if he is not going to make efforts, then move on.
     
  13. Meee

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    As usual, I'm going to start answering your question by asking some questions. How do the two of your show your love for each other? What activities and other things do you do together? Do you live together?
     
  14. NorCalMan

    NorCalMan New Member

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    Because of the Internet, many men today are addicted to porn and mastaurbation. I have known several couples who have split up because of this problem. He needs to address his addiction - Good Luck!
     
  15. JD_Phoenix

    JD_Phoenix New Member

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    I sympathize with your situation, LadyChristina. If your relationship outside of the bedroom is healthy and happy, I wouldn't just "move on" and end it if it's worth preserving (on the other hand if it's shaky outside of the bedroom, it wouldn't be worth enduring this sexual frustration).

    It seems there are multiple factors involved, and I can assure it's quite undoubtedly not you, so you really don't have anything to feel insecure about (you're a beautiful lady, no doubt about that). If he is on Zoloft, it's clear he is dealing with something very internal. Do you know specifically what he is dealing with? Depression, anxiety, panic etc?

    Additionally, it does seem he's addicted to porn over sex. However, that may be a habit of comfort for him. I don't scoff at losing virginity at 24 because I didn't lose mine until 22. It wasn't because of a lack of sexual desire; I've dealt with anxiety and panic my entire life (with bouts of depression). If you're dealing with such mental conditioning, you're far less likely to be in a situation to have sex in the first place. If you never have before (which he hadn't until 24), it can even become a trigger for anxiety or depression (thankfully for me I'm very comfortable with sex, but I do still battle with anxiety). It's possible porn and masturbation is "safe" for him and that sex is actually stressful.

    That isn't to say it can't be improved dramatically. You cite he masturbates at least once daily. That does not imply to me a low sex drive. On the contrary, he is clearly sexually driven like yourself, so I would suggest he has problems with intimacy more than sex.

    In the end, he has to recognize it is a problem, and he has to want to change it. If he stays stubborn and refuses to acknowledge it as an issue while neglecting you, then it really can be a deal breaker. But if the relationship is worth preserving, he could just need some behavioral changes. Unfortunately all you can do is steer him in that direction. If he cares about your relationship, he'll try with all his might.

    It might be worth him trying to go cold turkey from porn (with you around and sexually available). Even if just a couple days, that could be enough if he puts in the effort to say "no" to porn, even if just temporarily. Turning you down with an erection, though, makes it sound like it's an intimacy problem of his.
     
  16. surreal_thoughts

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    I agree with Sandwich. Also I'm a person who takes medication for depression as well. Some meds will kill your libido 100% where you can't/don't even want to jerk off. I've been there. There is an upside...you can SWITCH medications over until you find one that restores your libido. The meds I'm currently and have been on for over the past year have me actually more horny than I think I was when I was going through puberty lol. S/O can't keep up with me most of the time.

    If he professes his love for you then hold on to him, but tell him to get his meds checked out and not to be afraid to let his doctor(s) know that he has a lack of interest in sex and being intimate. It's a well known side effect and he shouldn't be ashamed or feel embarrassed to talk to his doctor about finding a new medication that can restore his libido and sex drive. Switching meds sounds like a major part of what he needs to address. If your offering and desiring sex, no man in his right state of mind would reject that and prefer to jerk off. He could also feel that sex with his current meds could effect how long he lasts and other things. Again...simple talk with the doc and I'm sure something can be found. Just make sure he really loves you in return in you want to be in a serious and meaningful relationship. If not, then I guess it's time to move on to a guy who won't blow of your needs and not be intimate with you.
     
  17. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    First and foremost do not allow this to make you feel insecure. You sound like a wonderful person. You have a few options.
    One. Leave him and move on.
    Two. Put up with it and hope it changes.
    Three. Talk to him, I believe you said you did.

    This is what I would suggest, focus on yourself specifically for a limited amount of time. Learn to love yourself again rebuild yourself. Become a strong confident beautiful women. Talk to him again and see if his feelings have changed. If he has not made attempts to come closure to you then you have a few more options.

    One. Leave.
    Two. If you want to stay with him offer him help because he does have a problem, if he wants help that is up to him but you will have the strength to handle it. If he doesn't then I believe it is time to go unless you want to be unhappy.
     
  18. Cires

    Cires New Member

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    I registered just to post this, because I did read a lot about this topic lately.

    This is not your fault!
    Even the hottest woman can't compete with porn. Porn addiction is a growing problem.
    There should be a warning label "Too much porn can kill your brain" ;)

    A very good resource for this is Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner? | Your Brain On Porn
    This site has lots of background information why internet porn can be too much for the male brain, how to deal with it and recover from porn addiction.

    Basicly its an overstimulation of the brain (a new girl with every click) with dopamine and you get used to it (addicted). Normal sex with a woman can't provide those levels of dopamine, so the man prefers porn over real sex. The brain needs time to "reboot" to get used to normal levels of dopamine again.

    I'm experiencing this myself and I'm trying to reduce my porn consume (even though I don't have a girlfriend) because it also affects my mind (can't concentrate, headaches) and my daily life (usual activities aren't fun anymore because they can not provide the dopamine levels porn does).

    My advice:
    Read the site, get your information and explain to him, why he has a problem. This is like any other drug addiction and he needs to get "clean". Here are some hints: Rebooting Basics | Your Brain On Porn
     
    #18 Cires, Sep 6, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2013
  19. bluejay86

    bluejay86 New Member

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    I am jst like him n I know y he is doin that. Jst like him I prefer to jack off then to have sex with my girl (well now ex). And no I was nt the problem she was. She did nt pleased me in ANY way she made sex about her and nt US. Our sex was she says im horny turns on her stomach and thats it. And I had to MAKE SURE she came 3 times or if nt she wuld bitch her azz off how she waznt satisfied. And wen I wuld jack off it was bout me I looked up wat I wanted n got it n I enjoyed it much more then having sex WITH HER. She didnt even such my dick she was jst a log. I have had sex with other girls n really enjoyed it but with her I prefer to jack off then to fuck her. Now im nt sayin thats how u are but if thats wat he is doin im sure u have said no to PLENTY of his fantasies. I found me a girl that is at the same lvl as me on our sex she likes wat I like n want her to du now porn is the last thin im looking for. Jst hope this helps, and good luck.
     
  20. lbushwalker

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    Bluejay86 you txt writing is atrocious to read.
    It even looks like your "O" key is nt wrkn!