Bi-Sexual Husband

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by MrsT1976, Dec 27, 2006.

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  1. MrsT1976

    MrsT1976 New Member

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    Bi Sexual / Curious Husband

    I met my husband, aged 38 a little over two years ago, incidently we met on
    the internet. We were both in other, bad relationships.

    Our attraction was instant and we both believed we had met our soulmate.
    Within a matter of weeks of chatting online and on the telephone, and before
    we had even met, we both finished our respective relationships. He lived
    450 miles away from me at the other end of the country and we agreed that he
    would book a hotel and travel here to meet me. He came for four days and I
    fell in love instantly. We had a fantastic time and the best sex that
    either of us had ever experienced.

    We agreed that we had to be together and as he has two children from his
    previous marriage, I gave up my whole life, job etc and moved to be with
    him. We got a flat together and he proposed two months later. I had never
    been happier. We married in October 2005 and it really was the happeist day
    of my life.

    He had been seperated from his wife of 14 years when we met and was dating
    another girl. His wife had left him stating that she no longer loved him.
    There is evidence to suggest she was having an affair and she has since the
    married the man in question. His children are aged 9 and 11, boy and girl
    and he is a fantastic father. He had not loved his wife for many years but
    as a loyal and committed person, vowed to stay with her for the sake of the
    children. After their seperation, he indulged in a lot of sexual affairs
    with women. As I had also been a very sexual person, this did not matter to
    me and we spent many days and nights in bed acting out many fantasies and
    indulging in things we had never been able to do with anyone else. He had
    told me that he had a sexual encounter with a another male in his early
    teens and while he didn't regret it, did feel somewhat embarassed about it.
    He only participated in heavy petting and oral sex.

    I am sexually liberated and I too have had a few encounters with women.
    This didn't repulse or particularly bother me.

    Last night my husband confessed to me that for years he had wondered whether
    he may be gay / bi sexual and had never ever been able to tell anyone. He
    has had a few opportunities to go with openly gay men over the years but
    always bottled out. He did however admit that the thought of seeing two men
    together turns him on. He is now stating that he knows he is not gay as he
    enjoys being with women/me too much.

    He has reassured me that I am the only person he wants and that nobody has
    ever made him feel like I do in bed. I know that I turn him on but now have
    to face the fact that he may be bi-sexual or even gay which he staunchly
    denies. He has told me that he is our marriage for the long haul and would
    never ever leave me for anyone else, male or female.

    I am now at a crossroads as while the fact that he is attracted to men
    doesn't particularly bother me, I am concerned about the implications on our
    marriage and worry about what happens if his feelings develop and he can no
    longer fight the urge to be with a man. He has admitted to looking at
    bi-sexual websites and pornography (which I knew he possessed).

    I am completely torn in two. Do I believe him and carry on, hoping things
    wont change? He says his feelings have never changed over the last 20 years
    so why would they now? I know he is loyal and that is one of the reasons I
    married him.

    Looking for some advice and hopefully see how other women cope in this
    situation. He wants me to trust him and has offered to stop using the
    internet and looking at bi sexual pornography. I am worried if I force him
    to do this, he will eventually feel supressed and have an affair?
     
  2. Dreama

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    Don't let it ruin your marriage. I don't think that this should be blown out of porportion. Just because he looks at porn does not mean he is going to go farther. It's not a gateway practice. Porn is normal. He just likes a different flavor than most. If I were you, I would try not to obsess over it. You guys sound like you have a great relationship. I mean, he told you this stuff. It doesn't sound like he is going to do anything to hurt you. He actually told you all he was hiding to prevent you from getting hurt by it.
     
  3. pirouette

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    Ok. This is a topic I have experience with. My husband has always told me he is bisexual. No, he isn't gay. No, I don't worry about him leaving me for a man either. Porn? He can watch whatever he likes. We agreed a long time ago that porn would be shared by both of us and neither of us should hide it. :)
    I don't think your husband is gay. And I suspect he isn't attracted to just any man that waltzes by. The fact that he has openly discussed something very taboo shows how much he has invested in your relationship. You are lucky to have a man that trusts you with his innermost thoughts. ;)
    My husband told me 15 years ago that he was bi. Funny, he hasn't had a desire to be with one since I came into his life. :eyes
    Good luck.
     
  4. MrsT1976

    MrsT1976 New Member

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    Thank You

    Thanks to both of you for your advice. I believe that what both of you said is probably true, I guess I just needed some validation as I know I may be to in love to see the truth. It's really refreshing to hear that it DOES happen in other marriages and that yes, it can work out. We will talk more tonight and hopefully reach a conclusion that satisfies both of us. Thank you again.
     
  5. Bluesy

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    Whether you're attracted to men, women, or both, should have no bearing whatsoever on a person's loyalty to their marriage. Fidelity is a character issue, not a temptation issue. Everyone is perfectly capable of practicing self-control and refraining from having an affair, you just have to want to do it.

    I have bisexual tendencies, I enjoy looking at straight, bi, and lesbian porn, and I would be perfectly content to never have a sexual encounter with a woman. Fantasy would be plenty enough for me if I'm with someone I love. I think most everyone has fantasies and desires that aren't going to be fulfilled with the person who captures their heart because not everyone shares the same fantasties and desires. If you really love your partner, the sacrifice is not a big deal.
     
  6. AnonymousOne

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    The lady speaks wise words. :bow
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I have known a few people who met over the internet, fell in love, and married. However after getting married there is usually a car crash event that ruins the rather ideallic relationship. Anyhow I will get off of my soap box.

    You have a few options available to you. First option is that you can open up your realtionship so that he can explore that option. Most of the time when couples open the relationship it is done for the wrong reasons and it tends to be a relationship ender. If you do select this option I would make sure the ground rules are acceptable and allot of effort is put into maintaining the relationship.

    Another option is that you could, provided that you are williing, is trying a threesome with a male who is bi. This could serve both of your needs. However before taking this plunge you will need to be wanting to do this, you husband will have to be agreeable, and the both of you will have to talk it through in finding the right person.

    Finally both of you can take it as an interest he has expressed and build from that. The problem that I see with this type scenario is that you may not deal with the issue and he will sneak behind your back.

    In any event you have a few difficult decision you need to make in regards to this. Only you truly knows what is in your best interest but in any event you do have a few decisions regarding this relationship you will have to make at some point.
     
  8. Oscar

    Oscar New Member

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    Hi MrsT!

    I hope I can help you a bit understand your husband. We have been together with my girlfriend for more than seven years now. I have never loved anyone as much as her. We are about getting married soon. The sex with her is perfect (and I mean it literally). However some time ago I discovered that not only women attract me. First I denied it but I had to give up and admit the fact. I confessed to my girlfriend and she is ok with this. I would not tell that I bisexual since I could live without sex with men but I couldn`t without sex with women (particularly with the ONE). I used to have very similar doubts than you do now and I am sure my girlfriend did as well but time showed that there was nothing to be worried about. Even after trying a threesome nothing changed between us. My love towards her has even deepened and I am glad she understands me. There is nothing in this world that could change my feelings for her and if her happiness depended on sacrificing the fulfilling of my desires then I would gladly do it.

    If I understand correctly your words then your husband loves you very much and you are much more important to him than his desires. You should discuss it with him and be absolutely honest. I don`t think you should be worried about losing him. ;)
     
  9. MrsT1976

    MrsT1976 New Member

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    Again thanks to all of you for your comments. Oscar I was particularly glad to hear from you as your needs and desires seem to be an identical match to those of my husband. We talked at length last night - another 8 hour marathon - and he has said that he is prepared to throw out the porn, never talk about it and certainly never indulge in any of it and put it out of his head because it hurts me, and that I am far more important to him than what is, essentially a fantasy. I am not the sort of person to deny him his fantasy, my only condition is that he is honest & doesn't cheat on me - with anyone, man or woman as Bluesy stated earlier, his attraction to either sex has no bearing on whether he would cheat or not. When I first met him, he indulged me in a fantasy I had held, which some, and certainly my ex partner thought disgusting. I am trying to bear this in mind and am now thinking of ways that we could harmlessly introduce small parts of his fantasy into our own sex life. I would be interested to know your thoughts on this? I think the biggest problem was the shock. In all honesty, I should have known, I knew he had had an encounter before, maybe I was denying it to myself? My other fear is that I was not enough for him sexually as this was always something that I prided in our relationship, that I was open to at least trying anything once, and that we are both unselfish lovers. He has reassured me on this point but we have both agreed that our once all consuming, adventurous sex life has dwindled slightly. This is something we have agreed to work on and have already planned ways to reintroduce the spark. I believe that we did too much too soon. I mean what do you do when there is nothing left to do? The threesome idea is something we have both toyed with since we got together. Could I cope with seeing him with another person? I'm not sure... Could he? No, he doubts it. We thought perhaps we might go along to a party, set some ground rules beforehand and see how we feel. To be honest, he has more reservations about this than I do. Can I say though, that I am so glad I posted on here yesterday. It's not the sort of thing you can drop into conversation with just anyone. Last night he read my posting and the replies which was good for both of us. I know we have some work ahead of us, but we have a solid relationship and we are both still in love with each other. I'm getting things into perspective.
     
  10. MrsT1976

    MrsT1976 New Member

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    Re bi sexual

    Hello to all the kind people who replied to my wifes query about my admitting to her i was bi sexual. i truly belived all the postings in one way or another have helped us both come to terms with my confession in an adult way. yes we did have to sit and talk for hours and hours and on many occasions repeated the same points over and over, my wife did have no one to turn to and gain advice as she feared by doing so would have outed me publicly. i do trutly love my wife and will do anyhting required to make sure we stay together. forever. she is my soul mate, my best friend my lover, and my wife.... so to all of you thank you for your help and support and if i can ever repay the favour or offer any advice i would be more than glad to. oh and on a closing note we have had more sex this week than we have in the past month ..... happy new year to all of you :bow
     
  11. Oscar

    Oscar New Member

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    I`m glad I could help you :) You should not try a threesome just to spice up things. It`s not a kind of sexual play it is far more severe than that.
    I`m sure your husband wiould appreciate it if you trusted him. After you have decided to walk this path together it would be wise to build it up gradually and carefully. When we were in your position we talked a lot about my fantasies. It took some time until my girlfriend realized that it is an inseparable part of me and there is no way our relationship could be changed by this. I can`t describe how happy it makes me that she accepts me like this. I`ve never needed a guy to make my fantasies real, all I`ve ever struggled for was her understanding. I would not think about it or talk about it again if she asked me but she knows that this makes me happier. And it is not the guy in my fantasies who gives me this pleasure, it is her. It took a lot of effort form both of us until we could have sex with another guy. It was fantastic because she was there with me and shared my pleasure.

    I advise you to talk a lot about it, be opened and honest. Always try to understand him and accept him because this is by far the most important thing he needs from you.

    Good luck :)
     
  12. Bluesy

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    I would let him keep the porn. Maybe the two of you would enjoy mmf porn? If you don't mind my saying, I don't really think this is a sexual orientation issue. A lot of women have problems with regular ol' straight porn because it causes them to feel that they aren't enough, that their guy would prefer being with someone else. So you feel the same way, only there's the gender angle. It doesn't mean anything. People will always fantasize about being with other people, regardless of which gender they're fantasizing about. And very few people are going to enact that fantasy, or allow their SO to enact it, just to "spice things up". You have to decide whether you guys are the swinging/threesome type, or if this is something that's better left in the realm of fantasy. Going into that sort of situation while harboring doubts is most likely a recipe for disaster.

    Have you had strap-on sex? Just a thought. And, bear in mind, you are enough; your husband has said as much in this thread. If he hasn't given you cause to feel threatened, then this is a "you" issue, an insecurity issue, that you need to deal with on a personal level.
     
  13. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    MrsT... your situation sounds a lot like the reverse of mine. I may be younger, but my BF and I both left other relationships after meeting online. He moved 5 hours to be with me in my hometown. and I am bi...no doubt, it arises sometimes and causes issues.

    The main thing about it however, is something you have already mentioned. I love him, truly at my core he is the only one for me. Straight, Bi, or Gay once a person is in a relationship there is ALWAYS going to be the opportunity for them to become physically attracted to someone else... however, if as you said (and I believe) He loves you, and he is dedicated to you... then you've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

    I congratulate you for being able to talk directly to him about it. I know on occasion those discussions can get hard.

    I agree with Bluesy...if porn in general doesn't bother you, let him keep any porn he has unless the PORN itself becomes an issue, which being as he seems willing to give it up, I doubt. And, well instead of saying I agree with her repeatedly I would say Bluesy's post right before mine seems right on the money to me
     
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