bf and his female friends..

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Starfish, Mar 11, 2004.

  1. Starfish

    Starfish New Member

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    Hi, I hope it's ok to share my issue with you guys here.

    Well, it concerns my boyfriend...
    And things that never bothered me before are all of a sudden plaguing my mind and I am wondering if I am going through some phase or I have too much time on my hands or if my worries are warranted...

    I was having lunch the other day with some upperclassmen (all gals) and we were just shooting the breeze talking about this and that and naturally the subject of my bf got brought up and I just conversed about his coming to visit me during spring break etc...
    Well they asked questions I answered, but by the end of the conversation I felt really kinda icky cuz I don't think they meant to be deliberate, but some of the stuff they told me made me all paranoid about my bf. I know I trust him and all, but I just got these uneasy thoughts and then I got annoyed with myself...

    Well, first off, they told me I was being *way too* trusting about his kinda large number of female friends...that him taking one of his gal pals home after a group dinner with his friends shouldn't have been done, for example. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it but they sure did.. This got me all in a tizzy cuz during the spring break when I was hanging out with my bf and his two best buddies, both of them sorta jokingly said to me, "hey what ya gonna do about all those girls in his life huh? We gotta do something about Mr. Way Too Friendly Jimbo over here,huh?" They were joking and at the time I laughed it off but now it's staying with me for some reason urgh!

    He has a lot of female friends, and he is in touch with many of them, I knew that from before, but as we get more seriously involved, hearing comments about the same thing wherever I go, that he has a little too many gals in his life, both from my pals and his own friends, I just can't help but get well, icky ( why can't I think of a better word?)

    And I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I know I am letting it bother me because it's ultimately the underlying trust ( or slight lack of it) that I still sorta harbor inside me that's the problem isn't it?? If I trusted him 100% I wouldn't be worrying now would I?
    And because I don't have male friends the way he has his female friends, I guess I am just having a little trouble being in his shoes too...sigh.
    Yet he's SO good about calling me, keeping in touch with me, seeing me when he can, writing me and talking to me and telling me he loves me even though we are far apart, so I feel like I am being a paranoid narrow minded dumba&$...

    I know you are supposed to go with what YOU feel not by what everyone comments about, but even a really non jealous person like me can't help but wonder if I am missing clues since so many people (including his own male buddies, and guys are less cattier than gals, bring up that fact, albeit jokingly...) bring this same subject up
    so I feel there may be something to it....
    like his buddies would be like "doesn't it annoy you that he has all these girls around him?" (these are guys who say this, and they say it lightly...but still...I wonder if my bf is being too friendly...)

    Anyway this was more of a vent I suppose. Just feeling kinda down..and I could use some help...
    And it's so iffy for me to bring this up with him cuz if it turns out to be nothing and I am making a mountain out of a molehill, I'll end up seeming like some overly jealous girlfriend and annoy the heck out of him too probably!! Should I just bring it up with him, and if so, how??

    thanks for reading this!!
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Faithful

    I had more written but I pushed the wrong button, maybe it will come back.

    Upperclassmen are infamous for making underclassment feel small.

    There are a number of communications skills that are involved here.

    One is being able to respond to a question, when asked, in such a way as to talk around the question, and still carry on a conversation. If you are not with trusted friends and confidants, don't trust strangers with inimate info about your relationship. Each marriage has its own trade-offs and limits of trust and sensitivity.

    There is the concept of the appearance of being true, and the actual reality of being true. It is legitimate to be concerned about how your BF carries himself, and the image he generates, and to what extent he appears to be a playboy. You can look to his father, his brother, his grandfather, and other men who might be role models for your BF. This will give you an idea of your BF's real morals. What type of car does he drive? You should also know yourself, as to what extent you are willing to tolerate phillandering. Princess Diana had a problem with Charles, and made things worse by flying into rages. Know your limits and yourself first.

    There is a communication skill of acknowledging the opinions of others, without adopting the opinion for yourself. My wife often adopts opinions of approaches and perspectives that work for other couples. My wife spends a few days or a week, arguing wtih me, and then eventually seeing how the ideas she has tried to import into our marriage, simply do not work for us. Those imported principles may be working fine for others, but each marriage is a differnet collection of compromises. My wife refuses to develop the skills of being able to discuss opinions with others, without often fully adopting the opinions of others. Smetimes once in ever two to four weeks.

    I have read a number of posts on other boards, and I am sure that some women would tell you to dump your boy friend immediately; some would say to discuss this with him fully, immediately. Some would say just to wait and see how it plays out.

    There are several problems with talking about infidelity. One concept is Radical Honesty. I practice RH by raising a Stop flag when I am tempted to do anything that I intend to keep secret from my wife. RH is sharing all details wtih your partner, but sometimes some details can be hurtful, and misleading as to the actual truth.

    A partner who has had the experience of having fallen into a sequence of events which led to being unfaithful, or nearly being unfaithful, and is now resolved to avoid those situations, is often a more reliable partner than a partner who has been true, but who is unaware of situations lurking in the future. Some women have gone off on guys, and poisoned their relationship, even though there was no actual infidelity. I have read accounts of women getting upset about topless bars, strip joints, and conversations with ex-girl friends. There is a 5 part forum on Infidelity at marriagebuilders.com. I recall the figure of men cheating of somewhere 65 to 75%, don't quote me. So there were a number of upperclassmen who were blowing smoke, because infidelity is going to happen to a number of them. Their talking like it is not going to hapen to them, is bravado.

    Many partners will talk about their relationships but provide you with inaccurate information. People like to keep their privacy, to one extent or another. Whatever anyone else says they would do in your situation, take it with a grain of salt.

    I once had a very desirable girl friend, and when I would try to ask her to avoid other guys, it seemed to drive her further away. When I just kept my mouth shut, and just gave her loving thoughts and looks, she seemed to come back sooner.

    I would suggest that you might bring up the subject of fidelity in a way of discussing how you see your relationship headed and progressing. One question is how you and your BF are tracking in being BF and GF, wearing rings or necklaces, getting Engaged, and Getting Married. Your timetabels might be matching, or there might be some differences.

    You don't discuss the strenghts and weaknesses of your relationship. In marriagebuilders.com, there is a list of 10 emotional needs, common to relationships, and the list for the woman is almost always different from the man. If you fill out the questionaire, you will have a good idea of the strengths of your relationship. I suggest that you have cnfidence in your relationship, knowing your strenghts. The idea of the 10 Emotinal needs is to do a good job in two to four areas, not all 10. Your combination of strenghts will be unique for you, and your relationship.

    What are you doing to accommodate your periods of separation? What are you willing to share on this Forum? Is there more that you could be doing or be suggesting or supporting for your BF? What are your emotional or religious lmitations? What limitations are you working on to become a better partner for your BF?

    What is your definition of Trust? Trust not to flirt? Trust not to Kiss? Trust not to hug? Trust not to make out? There are quite a number of levels of truss, and each woman has to define her limits of comfort for her relatinship. There is a book I have been intending to get, BOUNDARIES IN MARIAGE, by McCloud.

    Posting is therapeutic.

    Best of luck!
     
    #2 Logger, Mar 12, 2004
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2004
  3. mr_fongo

    mr_fongo New Member

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    argh, gossip is the worst thing in the universe :yell :yell :yell

    honestly, do those girls have bf's themselves? are they jealous of your boyfriend?

    i think hugging is fine.

    and seeing he could have just written in any of his letters "i'm breaking up with you", although he keeps that level of contact with you, you should be fine. was he always this popular? maybe he'll see that this is making you seem uncomfortable?

    when you're at group social events, reinforce the fact that he is your boyfriend...cuddle every 2 seconds, let him carry you home etc etc :lol :D
     
  4. innerwildwoman

    innerwildwoman New Member

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    I'm usually the friend of the guy, so I'll speak from that perspective. As long as they're being respectful of your relationship, that's fine. As long as he's being repsectful of your relationship, that's fine too. If they're crossing lines, then that's a problem. One cue is how do his female friends treat you? Are they respectful and friendly or are they ignoring you or treating you like an inconvenience? I always make it a point to include comments, invitations to my guy friend's girlfriends/wives to show my respect for them and the relationship.

    When I date a guy or consider him as a dating prospect, I'm very interested in how he treats the women in his life, including his female friends, his mother and his sisters. IMHO, that's a key indicator of how he views women. If he has a lot of female friends, it probably means he respects women and understands women. That's a big plus in my book.

    As for his taking a female friend home after a dinner, that may have been a safety or chivalry thing. Maybe he didn't want her walking/driving home by herself late at night. Maybe she was drinking and he didn't want her driving and/or was worried about her walking around by herself while drunk.
     
  5. mischiefforfun

    mischiefforfun New Member

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    Its GOOD that he has female friends

    I have always had lots of female frinds, more female than male, actually. And its been great for my relationships (except when the GFs was jealous, but my friends have stayed and the jealous GFs have come and gone....)

    The thing is, its because of my close friendships with women that I know how to appreciate my GFs. I know how to listen, how to be affectionate, how to be supportive. I listen to my friends' complaints and explanations of what they like and I learn form them.

    If your BF has all these female friends then you know he actually LIKES women. So many times men and women see each other as the enemy, and those relationships never work.

    So, I say trust him. If he turns out to be cheating on you its not because he has women friends, its because he is a cheater.

    I'll be happy to talk with you more about this, if you want, here or privately.

    Jake
     
  6. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    I agree innerwildwoman that how any of your friends treat your partner and your relationship is a reflection on you.