Being more independent

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Dreama, Mar 1, 2007.

  1. Dreama

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    So, I thought I might want to get some advice from the SF masses, as you guys always give great advice.

    My problem is simple: In my relationship, I've become too dependent on my partner. I have no problem with becoming more independent, but my fiance does not want me to do certain things, and wants me to consult him on issues concerning me. I don't have a problem with this, but he often complains that I am too dependent on him. I thought I was only doing what he wanted in our relationship, but aparently, I'm doing something wrong.

    I mean, if I want to go for a walk at night, I cannot go alone, because it's too 'dangerous'. If I don't tell him that I'm going somewhere, he gets upset because he says that he worries about me. That's just an example, but it is a real-life one. I just don't know what to do. If I pull away, he complains. If I become too dependent, he complains. I'm a flexible person, but I don't know what I should do. We're engaged, and he is a wonderful guy. I feel that this is a relatively small problem in the scheme of things, and there is nothing I wouldn't do to work this out.

    I do suspect that one thing that I will be advised to do is talk to my fiance. Not all of the problem lies with me, I understand, but I just wanted to see what others would have to say.

    Any advice?
     
  2. Logger

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    There are different ways to talk to your fiancee.

    One aspect is Respect. Details: CHAIRS

    Conquest
    Hierarchy
    Authority
    Insight
    Relationship
    Sexuality


    I tried to give my ammatuer descriptions:
    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?p=86928#post86928


    so ask him details of how he would like to be respected, so you can better understand the flow of his complaints. Maybe there is some logical threads.

    The idea is that if you show him more respect, he will show you more love.

    .
     
  3. Dreama

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    Thank you for the advice, Logger. I appreciate it. I do understand where you are coming from. I did not think I was disrespecting him, but perhaps I am unintentionally. I do my very best to respect him, but perhaps he doesn't see it that way... I'll ask him about it, and perhaps that will shed some more light on the situation.
     
  4. NaughtyKnickers

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    I understand where you're at Dreama. I run into those things too, sometimes. It's easy to feel that the man protecting you is trying to hold you back from being self sufficient and competent; when really, he's just looking out for you. :ugh


    My experience is that independence is not only about making your own decisions, but it's also about having your your own interests and pursuits apart from him. It's about being able to pursue your own goals, hobbies and enjoyments on your own, and still feel happiness and enjoyment without being right there next to him. Then returning to him happier and more complete because he has allowed you the space to enjoy your interests, what makes you, you.
    For me, that's a healthy definition of independence, but that's just me..

    There are alot of alpha females around here, :p I would think someone else would have an opinion to contribute, too. I'm just throwing out what I've learned along my way.

    You might just have to sit down and discuss what your definition of independent is.
    What is his definition of that?
    What is yours?

    Parsing these things is never fun, but sometimes it's remarkably simple to resolve, and the only lingering regret is that you didn't find your common ground sooner so as to save yourself the worry.

    Good luck, Dreama, I wish you the best. Please do keep us posted. :)

    *hugs*
     
  5. cbrmale

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    Dreama,
    If you're living together and then go somewhere for an unknown period of time without telling him, I think he has a right to be worried! I don't control my wife, but we do have a rule about telling each other such things at least.

    The other thing I can give you from experience is that what you are going through is quite normal, each partner in a relationship needs to find a middle ground in these things, we all went through it. If you listen and talk and understand each other's point of view, you will reach equilibrium, although it often takes a couple of years to get there.
     
  6. Dreama

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    Thanks, NK. I appreciate your advice. I think discussing what independence actually means to him and me, so that we can reach a compramise. I will keep everyone posted.
     
  7. Dreama

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    We aren't living together. Lol. I can see how that would be an issue if we were. We're going to college together, but we're in seperate dorms. I understand how that might worry one, because it would worry me too. It is just that, if I feel like walking to Wal-Mart, and he isn't avaliable to go with me, I would have to ask a mutual friend of ours to go, or else I would make him worry. I know he is just trying to protect me, and I seriously love that. But, if he were in my place, and I couldn't walk with him, he'd just go by himself, which bothers me.

    Anyway, that was just one example I used. And, it's alright that we don't agree on this now, as I know we can come to an understanding. I'm not so worried about it, because we've only been together a little over two years. We're bound to have some misunderstandings, right?:)

    Thanks for the advice!
     
  8. SexyScorp

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    Dreama I noticed you are only 19 *breathes a sigh of relief*

    The time to worry girl, is if you still feel the same way in your 30s and 40s.....

    Its very unhealthy for two people to become dependant on each other....

    Start as you mean to go on, even if you have to be a little errrrr.....assertive...."I AM A BIG GIRL NOW I CAN LOOK AFTER MYSELF".....followed by "thanks very much" of course :)

    Dreama...respect yourself first girl, way before anyone else...

    Once you have mastered this....you will not be attracted to co-dependant relationships...

    sending strength to you
    x
     
  9. Dreama

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    Thanks, SS. I appreciate your advice. The reason why I asked advice, is becaue I understand that acting in this way is unhealth. I love him very much, and I know that we are the kind of people who can adjust to be with one another. We will fix this, and he's just as willing to do so as I am. And I do, often say things like, "I'm a big girl, you know" With a thanks anyway attached. I'm still young, and so is he, and if we're going to make a life together, we will find a way to be as happy as we can be together.
     
  10. Joe

    Joe
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    An ex of mine was way too dependent, and it bugged me, but if she'd have just left the house and not told me where she was going or when she'd be back, that would have bothered me too. I've told my wife that if she's going to be more than an hour late coming home from work, I'd appreciate a phone call. Then I don't have to wonder and worry where she is/what happened/what hospital she's been taken to. *LOL* I never leave the house without telling my wife where I'm going and *about* when I'll return, and if I'm going to be very late returning I'll give her a call so she knows. To me that's not dependency; it's courtesy.

    From the examples you gave, it doesn't sound like you have a major problem. I think you just need to talk it out a little and establish some ground rules for each other. What's fair for one is fair for both. If he wants you to let him know where you're going, he should also be letting you know where he's going, etc., etc. If he doesn't think it's a two-way street, there might be a problem starting to surface.
     
  11. Dreama

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    Thanks Joe. Good advice. Though I think that it is courtesy to let the person in on when and where you are going when you live with them, we don't live together, and it isn't a matter of me telling him where I'm going, really, and when I get back. It's a matter of me being able to go without him. Like, if I decide to go with some friends, he needs to know who I'm with, where I'm going and when I'll be back. I don't mind that, but sometimes, when girls have nights out with their friends, there is a bit of spontenuity that you can't account for beforehand. If I'm a little late (I don't have a cellie) he gets upset. That's the tricky part. But, the reason why I asked is because though it is not a problem very much now, later, if we don't work this out in the beginning, it could become a problem. :)
     
  12. Joe

    Joe
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    You're a smart woman. ;)
     
  13. Dreama

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    Thanks, Joe!