Bedroom reboot

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Soulspinner, Jun 6, 2015.

  1. Soulspinner

    Soulspinner New Member

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    It has been a very long time since my last visit / post here. I'm sure there are many new members and voices here now. I'm reaching out for advice, because I'm becoming very frustrated with my sexual relationship with my wife and I would love some thoughts or feedback.

    We have been married for 6 years and just welcomed our 2nd (and final child) into the world 4 weeks ago.

    Like most couples, we had very intense lust and sex in our early days. Nothing exactly adventurous, but it was frequent and excellent in the early days.

    Having children has obviously changed this, especially with the stressful challenges of infertility that we eventually overcame.

    With a new baby here, I'm honestly not expecting much. But there are more important things on the table that we probably need to address.

    We have completely different expectations of sex. We usually have excellent communication for our needs outside the bedroom, but between the sheets we seem to be on completely different pages.

    Me:
    I could have sex everyday. Usually masturbate every day. I've introduced 100% of the sex toys into the bedroom (wand, fleshlight, massage candle, vibrator, cock rings,etc). I always have to initiate sex, enjoy giving her oral and like multiple positions.

    My untapped kinks/fetishes that she isn't into: anal for her, butt play for me, MFF threesome (never been discussed)

    Her:
    Sex once every two weeks is more her speed. She masturbates several times a week (with wand) and have mutual masturbation maybe twice a month. She used to love to give me head - now she's lost her skills and treats it like a bad chore. Never initiates sex and always wants one position with little to no buildup or foreplay.

    This is a lot to digest. But how can talk to her about the blowjob? She's lost her game. How do I do this without completely insulting her?

    How do I remain sensitive and patient, yet fulfill my own needs here.

    I understand most of this boils down to communication, but I'm needing some direct advice here.

    Thanks everyone.
     
  2. Clintriprock

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    Get her on some testosterone replacement. When my ex went on it she became a fucking (literally) animal....
     
  3. HotForHoney

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    First of all, wife shouldn't even be having sex for at least 2 more weeks.

    There is a book, 10 minute intamacy by barton goldsmith. It's little exercises that take, get this, 10 minutes.

    Try some alone time, not necessarily sex time.

    Mew Moms need down time and it usually doesn't mean sexy time like it does for men.

    When women/wives/moms feel pulled in a lot of directions sex can be like a chore.
     
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  4. cbrmale

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    A lot of research has been done on mismatched sexual desire, and one finding is that men are more commonly on a 3-day cycle which means they get really horny by about 3 days after sex. Women are more likely to be a 2 week cycle. The average frequency of sex for all couples is slightly less than twice a week (1.84 in Australia), so many women are having sex with their men when they aren't really horny for it. But women do it anyway and that doesn't mean that sex isn't physically or emotionally satisfying. Once started it tends to take on a life of its own.

    This problem Is obviously longer than the past four weeks since giving birth, and I don't know what the answer is. My wife was sexually unimaginative since day one, so I took a strategy of showing her what we could do and she went along with some of those things. In the case of a sexually imaginative woman who now doesn't bother, I would question her affection or love towards her husband. My wife when she has sex with me every 2 or 3 days genuinely sees it as making love; bringing us closer together and sharing something special. This wife doesn't seem to care anymore, and that may well be result of the husband's doing.
     
  5. Soulspinner

    Soulspinner New Member

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    Thanks for the feedback so far. So how do I talk to her about her change in blowjob approach. She treats it like a sprint - fast, jerky, not good. Any advice?
     
  6. HotForHoney

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    Just tell her. When she starts, try guiding her - ask her to go slow/gently/here/there.

    When she's done, make sure you let her know how good it was.
     
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  7. CLE32793

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    ^^ mine reminded me it's not a race and I give excellent BJs. I can't express the communication enough, it can be frustrating but trust me it's so much better once it's out there in the open. Maybe try with something she might enjoy better than sex like a bubble bath with a book and candles while you take care of the kids in exchange for some 'sexy time' in which you can guide her through a BJ (hopefully she does something you like that you can encourage her on) and when she starts to get jerky and goes to fast calmly grab her head and say slow down baby, just remember to comment on the good parts too.
    Start slow, don't expect it to all get better over night and please allow her time to fully heal.
     
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  8. lbushwalker

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    Soul your lamentstions are those of probably the majority of households with very young children.
    You wife is nackered just keeping her head above water with the demands of the kids.
    You just have to understand and get used to the fact that priorities are different now. In time things will improve if you keep the love between yourselves and you can start by forgetting the threesome thing which is a fantasy and is highly unlikely to happen.
    You are luckier than most in still experiencing sexual encounters so count yourself fortunate instead of hard done by!
     
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  9. Alwayslearningsex

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    Like H4H says, tell her.
    Let her know slow feels BETTER and assure her you are not looking for an extra long BJ.
     
  10. Alwayslearningsex

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    You are in a relationship, RESIST the temptation to look elsewhere, for the intimacy, give it time but take that time to tell her you miss her initiation, but don't expect it for now. Maybe in the future something could change but work with what you have today.
    I can't think of other advice.
     
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  11. Sweetlysad

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    You just had a baby, it's likely your wife is tired and overwhelmed. This is a terrible time to be bringing up her blowjob approach. I can see why she's likely treating it as such.
    Make sure you are giving her help with the house and the kids and hopefully when things are less difficult then you an talk to her.
    I would try giving her pointer in the moment. She's not gonna take kindly to being told she's not doing a good job. You will end up with not getting a blowjob ever again.
     
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  12. Soulspinner

    Soulspinner New Member

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    Well, an incredible BJ just happened. Like, maybe top 5 all time. And we discussed a solo night in a local hotel once the kids are ready. So thank you for those with the positive helpful advice.
     
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  13. Alwayslearningsex

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    congrats, wishing you more nice moments
     
  14. HotForHoney

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    I'd like to know how it came to be/what you said to her before/after.
     
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  15. Alwayslearningsex

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    Same as H4H, I didn't mention it earlier.
     
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  16. CLE32793

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    Yes...inquiring minds...you may help out someone else
     
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  17. backcheck64

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    I'd say you jumped into the whole thing a bit quickly. My wife and I dated 5.5 yrs, married 9 yrs before kids, and we were still at the daily sex level. It did slow a bit after kids, two 20 months apart, but we were still at 3-4 times a week. Now married 27 yrs with two teenagers involved in all sorts of activities and we're at 2-3 times a week. You have to make sure, and it can take a few years, your sexually matched.
     
  18. Soulspinner

    Soulspinner New Member

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    This most recent frustration wasn't exactly premature, as we have discussed mismatched libidos before.

    My wife knows that I bust my ass working hard at work and home - not afraid to tackle cleaning, cooking, repair, etc. She brought up her feelings of appreciation on this matter.

    When it was appropriate to introduce sex into the conversation, I tried to focus on "her" and what it can offer her in terms of stress, fun and satisfaction. Clearly it worked. This specific BJ was better because I gave her good feedback. I went down on her as well - which i would do daily if she wanted.

    She knows where I stand sexually. I now would like to find out more about her underlying fetishes or desires. I'm trying to be as realistic as possible here. I know that the MFF is probably a pipe dream. Anal will probably happen at some point. It all boils down to respectful communication and realistic expectations.

    Thanks everyone.
     
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  19. whybother

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    As someone who has experienced the ups and downs of passion, frustration and rekindling over 27 years together I want to caution you that one mind blowing session is not a return to "how things were". It's quite possible that she is hoping that that BJ will "Hold you" for awhile. It doesn't mean that her desire has changed. Please keep in mind that she may be feeling a lot of guilt about not having sex as much as you want and that that guilt is a spiral because the guilt makes her feel worse and then desire decreases even more. In my experience your situation is like holding a golf club. If you hold too tight your swing is stiff and you won't hit strait. If hold too loose the club will falter and it won't go straight. In your situation, If you try to hard to get the sex you want you will push her away. If don't let her know you desire her she will drift away. Sometimes you just need to cuddle , tell her what a great job she is doing with the baby. Give her back rubs and treat special.
     
  20. FastNHard

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    I'm no help on this. My sex life with my wife sucks, and not literally. She won't start Anything, I'm always the one that starts anything. Bored to death with doing that really. I've talked to her about it but does no good. I just masturbate so I don't need to rely on her to help.
     
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