Bad sex life (long)

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Slowdownplease, Oct 15, 2010.

  1. Slowdownplease

    Slowdownplease New Member

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    I'm so frustrated! My husband is a great husband in all ways but one. In the bedroom. He was a late bloomer and didn't lose his virginity until age 24 or so. He's now 40 and we have been together 11 years.

    At first, our sex life was great. I was very very attracted to him and always started sex with a high level of anticipation and arousal. It didn't matter how long it lasted, I always came when he did b/c it would "set me off". I think it would still be like that, but he has been to Iraq twice and this has caused significant damage to the intimate relationship. I already had abandonment issues that are related to family, and I think that is a big part of it.

    I still want sex, but it takes me a lot longer to get through feelings that come up when I "go there". The problem? He has NO control at all. It didn't help, I think, that he never had to develop any over the years, especially when I was so easily orgasmic.

    Second, he has always had a problem with porn. No, I don't care if he watches (I do, too). I DO have a problem when he watches porn/masturbates IN PLACE OF having sex with me. Once, he got home from work and I was already hot and bothered. I was waiting for him to come out of the bathroom after returning home so I could rape him. He was taking forever in there. Yes, he was masturbating!! He never even said he was horny, just came home and wacked off while I was left high and dry! We are able to talk about this, and he says that sex for him can be very anxiety producing (he is shy and has a problem approaching women, hence the late de-virginization), so he will just masturbate instead of approaching me. This also translates into him almost never initiating sex. He seems more than happy if I initiate and never turns me down. Problem is I'm sick of it! I want to feel wanted and I'm getting a complex.

    Yesterday we had a replay of the hide in the bathroom thing.We have not had sex now in three weeks. He works nights and after he got home, I wandered into the room where he was. Yep! More porn. . I was so disappointed. (BTW he doesn't have a porn addiction or anything, he just uses it to masturbate off and on). Anyway, we sat and had a long talk. I told him (again) that I need him to initiate, I am sick of doing it all the time. Also, he rarely, if ever, goes about making me feel good to "get me in the mood". My ex-husband would give me backrubs, for instance, and...you know. Current husband MIGHT tickle or smack my butt, but I've told him although it's cute, it does NOTHING to get me in the mood. How about some kissing, neck biting SOMETHING???

    Also, he comes wayyy too fast, and there is no warning. He has been trying to hold back, but he does that by coming to nearly a grinding halt (pun intended). Since I'm not getting any stim after that, my arousal level plummets. He ends up coming anyway, as soon as he starts moving again, and I'm high and dry...again. I usually just masturbate myself to climax while he holds me, but I've even stopped that recently. It takes too long, and the stimulation is different (clitoral vs. vaginal), so it is like starting from square one.

    I don't want to just always play with myself to come! Even if I get excited initially that way, when he enters me it feels different and I have to start all over again. He comes too fast, etc. I would use toys (I did while he was gone), but before we ever came to this impasse, he made fun of them, so now I'm too embarrassed to try with him.

    I just want some normal fucking! I don't think two or three minutes (if I'm lucky) of PVI is enough. We still haven't had sex, and I can almost guarantee that due to the discussion we had, he will feel even more pressured and come even quicker.

    I'm almost at the point where we just agree to take care of our needs separately so I don't have to worry about him and feel bad all the time. Like now, I'm so irritated at him for watching the porn yesterday instead of maybe doing the "work" of waking me up by kissing, massaging, etc. I am really starting to SERIOUSLY resent his selfishness, although I try not to let on too much. Too bad if you are somewhat anxious! I say either work through it, we are married and sneaking around to jack off is ridiculous. That's something else...I pointed out to him yesterday that I've never evn seen him touch his own dick. I masturbate in front of him all the time, what's the big deal?

    HELP! If I wasn't stuck here (long story), I'd be tempted to leave and just turn him into a friend (we get along well otherwise). I HATE this.

    Sorry this is so long.
     
  2. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Well first......Welcome to SF! Great people here.

    Next....I'm sorry your home life is so difficult right now. That's terrible. Let's see what we can all do here at SF to help out.....

    I think your going to find out that this is really a complex issue on both ends. For one thing, I don't get the sense that he really understands how serious this is with you. Have you two discussed anything more intimate than his masturbation? What I mean is, have you been able to get him to tell you why he doesn't have an animalistic desire at least ONCE IN A WHILE?

    Have you discussed the possibility of him being a submissive male? They DO exist. Maybe that's why it's so difficult for him to initiate?

    Have you tried to ride him until you get yours, that way YOU can control everything?

    Have you tried having him wear two condoms to dull his sensations? Or possibly better--trying some anal-numbing cream on his dick?


    LOTS of possibilities here......

    Keep the dialogue going and surely we can help ya get something worked out.
     
  3. Slowdownplease

    Slowdownplease New Member

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    Thanks MOMan.

    No, I doubt he knows exactly how frustrated I am. Even before we hooked up, I knew he wasn't very assertive. I kinda realized that when he had refused to make a pass at me looooong after I knew he was interested. He had even spent the night at my house a few times without "incident". Of course, once I got the ball rolling, as it were, he was more than happy to play.

    ANYWAY, I somehow empathed that I needed to build him up and always kind of "took over" in ways that took pressure off of him. Years later he told me that during sex with the last few girls he had had sex with before me, he had performance problems. Once, the girl initiated but he was turned off b/c she had had too much to drink and he thought she would be sorry later. He couldn't make himself say "no", so his subconscious did it for him (that's what I think, at least). Another time it was someone he was really attracted to, but she was moving or something and he really would have wanted a relationship, not a fling before leaving. I think that's a similar type thing. You know how guys are, though, they think they have to "perform" not matter what the situation, which isn't realistic. I actually like that he has a strong conscience. He just saw that he couldn't keep it up.

    My point is that I try to zip it a lot b/c I'm afraid it will just make it worse and I know how hard he is on himself. I think another huge part is that I have a very very difficult time asking for anything, sexual or otherwise. I feel guilty just being on the receiving end to the point that I shut down. If I start directing and giving orders it starts feeling distinctly un-sexy to me. I'd make a horrible dominatrix.

    In answer to the ride him thing...actually that is our norm (like, 99%) both because of what you mentioned and because he's a large guy. I also think he has some body issues, I don't know why. He's not Mr. Universe but he has a nice physique and probably the same small amount of "love handles" I do. Nothing major. Lately, I have really liked him on top, though. That's an issue. It just ends up being more frustrating for me. He usually blows about the time I really get into it. Besides, with me initiating every time AND then being on top...maybe you can see where that's going. When do I get to feel feminine???

    Why doesn't he have an animalistic desire? Actually, I think he does, he just takes care of it himself (the masturbate/porn thing). I'm wondering if he didn't establish such a habit, up until age 24 (and beyond...I think I'm the only real long-term sexual relationship he's ever had) of getting off by himself that he kind of got stuck there. Not to mention he's been overseas three years of our marriage. Not much available other than Rosey.

    And, ONE memorable time, he cornered me in the kitchen, depanted us both, and VERY aggressively attacked from behind. Nice. Problem was it's been once in 11 years! Maybe he had some wild hair testosterone thing going that day. Who knows? I know he's got it in their somewhere, though.

    I guess we can try the numbing cream. Although maybe have to experiment with how much and where...I can see how that could lead to a FAIL if one got carried away with the application of said cream.

    You know, I was thinking more after I posted and I wonder if part of the prob is the fact that he is so penis-only oriented. I mean, when you mainly masturbate for sex, it's not like you get to appreciate anything your partner is doing to you...like touching you in other places, just enjoying their physical presence, etc. He does tend to do nothing with his hands, even when they are free. It's so bad at times that I have stopped what I was doing, grabbed his hands and put them on me because his eyes are closed and he seems to be JUST focusing on his cock. There def seems to be a dislocation here.

    Oh, well, can't spend all day complaining about my sex life :)

    Comments are welcome, never can tell what might give me more ideas...
     
    #3 Slowdownplease, Oct 15, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
  4. Meee

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    I stopped right there. Counseling. This issue is bigger than your sex life.
     
  5. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Yeah, counseling is always better if one can do that. Have you talked to him about marriage counseling? Ya know "it will bring us closer, honey."

    If he's refused, then I guess your stuck with us...lol.

    Did he see combat in Iraq? If so, you could be dealing with that ugly monster called PTSD......From what little I personally know about it, it can wreak havoc on nearly every aspect of a person's life. Maybe it ties in here, too?
     
  6. Slowdownplease

    Slowdownplease New Member

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    Meee, not sure how much more counselling I can stand. Considering I was left a lot to my own devices after about age 13, had a b/f commit suicide at my house, and then a new husband that I was crazy about suddenly sent overseas for 14 months on about a week's notice (he is Nat'l Guard and it was very unexpected), I've worked through quite a bit. I no longer am joyless and miserable for the entire 2 weeks he does Annual Training...in fact I've learned to enjoy the alone time. I coped reasonably well the second deployment. Regardless of how much time you talk with a therapist, unless you get ECT or something, it's impossible to erase those kind of memories. The truth is...I have been abandoned a lot, and in some really depressing ways. I think I've worked through that to the best of my abilities. Maybe a good marriage counsellor, though, could be in order. Def couldn't hurt. You know, we wouldn't have talked yesterday (or anytime soon) if I hadn't accidentally walked in on the porn. Probably would have continued to ignore things. If we actually went somewhere to purposely talk, we both couldn't get away with ignoring things for so long.

    And yes, he does have PTSD, in fact he just got a 40% from the VA. Mostly it affects his mood and sleep. He's def not as happy of a person as he used to be and he's a lot more distractable. Otherwise, he copes pretty well if you ask me. Not nearly as bad as one of the other cops he works with that screamed "INCOMING!!!" over the radio the other day and then "Uh, sorry guys" a few seconds later in response to some loud noise that was def NOT "incoming!" I hear that guy is on desk duty for the time being.

    I DO have to say that after our talk yesterday he brought his A game to bed this afternoon/evening. I don't know if maybe he was jabbing himself with a needle where I couldn't see it, but he held it together long enough and interacted much more interestingly than he normally does. Maybe somehow my complaining here osmosed into his brain while he was asleep today.

    At any rate, thanks for the input and just allowing me to vent, which may be a big part of what I needed to do. I've also been enjoying reading a bunch of the other postings and some of the funny and well-thought out responses. Def a lot of people here with a good sense of humor and helpful wisdom :)
     
  7. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Nice to hear ya had some good hot sex! We all need more of that. Feel free to pop in here with updates as things progress.
     
  8. ManInBra

    ManInBra New Member

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    I guess the best I can cum up with at this point is this -

    Just what exactly is a sex life ?

    It seems like I should know this one....... :eyes

    I get headache trying to think back to how long its been,,, :ugh