Awkward partner, but committed

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by FormerFreak, Sep 20, 2006.

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  1. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    Anyone ever have a partner they've spent years getting to know and cherish, only to realize later that they're not very compatible sexually? Do you keep with that sort of thing and hope for the best, or is a break-up inevitable?

    I never questioned our sex life until now, 2 yrs later, when we still only go missionary, he's the only one that gets oral, post-sex cuddling is almost nonexistent, and I've never seen him without a shirt on.

    Great length, girth, and motion in the ocean, but I read about these guys who know just when to go faster and harder, who fall asleep inside after both of them climax, and I just ask myself: is this as good as it gets (with him)? My former lovers all went down for extended visits, anal experimentation wasn't off limits, and our sweaty bodies rubbing against one another were only more of a turn-on.

    This one can't even bear to have my wetness on him; it's straight to the shower immediately after, and then clothes, and whatever else. Not like the sex is mechanical or unpleasant--like I said, with his size and timespan in a numbing condom orgasms are easy. But where is the thrill?

    Do any of you get grossed out by GF's lubrication? (not smelly in the least, or gummy, or clotty; just slightly viscous and wet, totally normal) Has anyone an explanation for the shirt thing? He's skinny as a rail, but c'mon--it's been 2 years! I love his skinniness!

    I suppose my questions are in the first and last paragraphs, to all who would address them.

    Bored in Bed
     
  2. BabyReadThat

    BabyReadThat New Member

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    Can't say I've experienced any of this. Have you all talked about it? If so, what does he say about it? If not, why havent you talked about it?
     
  3. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    I agree, have you even tried talking with him?
     
  4. Bluesy

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    It sounds as if he might be obsessed with hygiene. Maybe he has OCD?

    Whatever the issue, an honest, open dialogue is needed here. Good luck to you.
     
  5. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    I agree with Bluesy and Ryan, it's time to talk. Just guessing, I suspect that he is probably like a number of people. Raised with the idea that sex, even in marriage, is "dirty". He has sexual needs, however, Mama probably slapped his hands and made him go wash if he ever dared touch himself, that sort of thing. He may also still feel very shy about getting naked with a woman and so forth. On one hand, sometimes I feel that our society has gone way too far in getting too loose about sex, however, on the other hand, there are some people who are so sexually repressed that they have a hard time enjoying sex when they get married or have a long term significant other. He might need some counseling and might need to be taught how to loosen up. As for me, I love my wife's scents and her wetness. I get hot and turned on when she is sweaty and needs a shower, I get hot and turned on when she gets - on occasion it still happens - hot and turned on. I love to have her wetness and scent on my mouth and penis and all over me. I love her taste, she is my favorite flavor! Anyway, I hope that your BF will get to the point that he can appreciate and enjoy those things about you. He's probably going to need some time, patience and some instruction. Maybe you could get some sex instruction videos and other sex videos which would help him learn if he's willing to watch them.
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It seems that he can't appreciate the normal bodily functions that accompany a good sexual encounter --- sweat, vaginal wetness, etc. It could very well be that he is hygiene conscious, to a fault. How is he when it comes to kissing? Does he do it at all?

    If there was some way you could introduce him to erotic videos, where men are enjoying the things you posted about, perhaps it would pique his interest.

    Was he always like this, or did he change about sex after a while?
     
  7. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    Yes, I have attempted to engage him in dialogue, but almost invariably he answers with feeling uncomfortable about talking about sex, and kind of shuts the conversation down rather abruptly. Don't know how much further the conversation will go on that topic, unless I flat-out say that we have to break up because of it all. And I'm not sure yet that I want to do that...

    Background-wise, I know his parents were very prudish; no sex-talk, no mention of relationships, no physical affection (even towards their own children), and no verbal affection either (never heard so much as an "I miss you" or "I love you" going in either direction there). But they were good parents in the traditional sense: educationally, monetarily, legally, just not "human"ly. I often think that he's the outcome of too much money and too little humanity.

    Interestingly enough, Rose, when he was 12 he was diagnosed with a strong case of OCD and (he says) was suspected of some degree or another of schizophrenia; he says, and to an extent I agree, that the former he's gotten under control, and the latter was never really the case. But really, I don't know why I imagined he would be different (i.e. not OC)--I suppose that for some reason I just think there's a normal, passionate, sexual lover inside us all, no less him. And since he's just started medical school this year, I was hoping that dealing with all of these bodies and humans would get him used to his body/my body and all the pleasures of being human. Still, I am not sure if I should stick it out is all. I suppose that's my real dilemma: should I stay or should I go? (LOL) I don't know if things are likely to change or not...

    And no, he never really kissed well either. Not that it was bad in the beginning; I was happy to have a lover who kissed simply, extendedly, without tongue. I thought it was somehow more intimate than with. And the sex was always the same (good/great, that is); he's well endowed so it doesn't take much to make me climax. Sometimes though, I miss the equally likeable intimacy of "with" tongue, and my lover being completely naked (and sweaty, HerHubby :-D), and after 2 years, I'm really kind of starting to miss Equal Opportunity Oral Gratification!

    I suppose that in the end, I'm just not sure whether in the upper echelons of society his and his parents' is the sort of intimacy and sexuality to be expected (in which case I should perhaps give up). I'm not in that caste, you see, and where I come from it's okay to enjoy sex (at the very least in private with your partner!), so I expect everyone to be real about these things and get over the ridiculous pre-programming of avoiding at all costs being "naughty" and "dirty". Be naughty, I say! And more importantly, recognize...I can think of no other word: the "magical" connection that your open intimacy can create between you and your sexual partner. Will he realize this in time, or are we all indefinitely bound to be who we are now?

    Your thoughts?
     
  8. Hot Wheels

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  9. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Twenty-five years old. Are the two of you married? I didn't see reference in the posts, if I missed them I apoligize.

    I have a friend who would say bluntly that you are with a taker. If he is not willing to talk about it, then he isn't likely to change a thing. Now, I know personally that some of this shit we were taught as kids is hard to outgrow. I was married probably eight years before I realized that sex wasn't something to be ashamed of. My personal journey was long and difficult. And I was a talker. Hubby knew my history, my reasoning.

    Do you love him? Deeply? For far more than what he does for you in the bedroom..... Do the two of you have a foundation that is strong and committed? Do you see your life with this man forever? If so, then you have the heart and the strength to be the compassionate person he needs to accompany him on this journey.

    That's the beginning of my thoughts/opinion.
     
  10. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    I would tend to strongly doubt the schizophrenia. If he is not having visual or auditory hallucinations and if he was able to get through pre-med in colleg and get into medical school, in my humble opinion, that probably "shoots down" the suspicion of schizophrenia. OCD is another story. Have you ever seen the TV program "Monk" on USA channel? If not, watch that - it's a sort of OCD version of Sherlock Holmes and will give you a sort of humorous idea about what OCD is like in a sort of "overdone" way. Anyway, yep, with his background, I can understand how he would have become OCD and his background explains a lot. I agree with Hot Wheels, I imagine that he probably well may be the outcome of too much money and too little humanity. However, I think that the fact that he will go to bed with you at all, not to mention that he was willing to go to medical school and to deal with what he has to deal with there, is a very good sign. Even so, like Hot Wheels suggested above, I think that he probably will need some counseling. Like a song once said, "time and love, time and love, nothing heals like time and love....". How much love do you have and are you up to it? I get the sense that you may well have the love, I think that there are far worse situations you or anybody else could have gotten into and that he probably does have the potential to warm up, relax and for you two to be good for each other. Gonna take time though and some patience! I wish you two the best and I sure wish him the best with his medical studies! Meanwhile, watch "Monk" together (great show, entertaining if nothing else and it might give him some insights into his own behavior - sometimes fiction, books and plays, etc. can do that for people when nothing else works. They do have some graphic yet non porn sex instruction videos and it might be good for you two to watch some of those together as well as some actual porn at some point. Also, go over to the Sex News section and read the articles I posted there about the minister who promotes good sex in marriage, etc. Something like that might be helpful for him too. Hang in there and I think that your guy is well blessed to have you.
     
  11. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Yeah and what melicious said above too! She's delicious, that melicious! ;> And, "I did NOT have sex with that woman!" Ha, ha! (but I bet it would be WONDERFUL! ;>)
     
  12. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Only you can answer that dilemna. it all depends on your feelings for him. I get the impression that it is a 'committed relationship', not a marriage, so you need to ask yourself "am I better off with this man or without him?" (Ann Landers' famous question) Is this problem on the top-5 list of your future fears?

    I (and most, if not all of the members on this list) agree that open sexual intimacy takes your relationship to a spiritual level, when you can, indeed, be totally open. It's better than any drug. But if he is self-concious in any way, the joy of sex is lost in the mire of percieved "dirtiness" - and you both lose the depth that you could have enjoyed. You already know, from earlier sexual encounters, what you are missing.

    2 years is actually a short time to be together. So, it's up to you. You may be able to help him through this. It takes alot of real-life experiences, good and bad, to create the soul-mate relationship about which many speak flippantly. It's just, are YOU up to the challenge. Do you love him enough to be willing to be denied some of the sexual pleasures that you obviously enjoy alot. Because you have to realize, he may not change.

    Good luck, hon. Keep us posted. :tup
     
  13. pirouette

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    Agreed. Two years is relatively short in terms of a relationship. I know my sexual "disposition" is very different now. I am far more open about sex with my husband than I was after only two years together. Trust and intimacy only seem to increase with time and communication.
    Good luck. :)
     
  14. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    No, we're not married, you're right with 'committed'. Marriage is a potential mistake that I'm just not willing to make in the immediate future, considering what I've seen happen to friends and family. (Please note that I am in no way bashing marriage for those among us who currently are (or were)--I know a successful one has got to be THE most fulfilling thing one encounters in this short little life of ours. Kudos to those who've found it! I hope mine will be the spiritual thing I imagine it to be ideally, but for now, for me, marriage can wait.)

    Moving onward, I'm glad to at least have even voiced my concerns here, but I'm also very grateful to have gotten the optimistic thoughts you guys are putting out there! It does a world of good in my head the likes of which you wouldn't believe. Thank yous so much! (I'm from Jersey, so "yous" is permissible in my dialect) :-D

    Yes, I would definitely like it if he'd get some counseling (heck, me too while we're at it!), but as I said to Bouledoux and as HotWheels concurs, it may take a good long time, and I expect great difficulty in the battle to convince him that confiding in someone isn't a weakness: it's a strength, to face fears and faults face-on. If he'll come around in the end with counseling, or even just talking to me, then an unabashed "Yes!" to the prospect of a future with him!

    I don't know how the sex instruction or porn will work with him though, or me for that matter. We're both kind of squeamish about porn--I think that I speak for the both of us when I say I'd rather be doing that rather than watching it--but I think I could deal well with the instructional ones. If I get some I hope he'll take it seriously, in a lighthearted way of course!

    Thank you, friends, for the wise words!
     
  15. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    At least you are finding all this out before you got married. You need to really think about it and talk it out before you take that step. I have/am in your shoes right now, and it is rough. I have been w/ my hubby for 4 years and he has never brought me to orgasm. And it really sucks. I have tried to talk about it, but nothing has changed in our sex life. I am not even 30 yet, and I am the only one who can please me. Sometimes we go up to 3 weeks w/o having sex.

    Fix it if you can. If not, be prepared to move on, or live in a unsatifiying sexual relationship. Where cheating is on your mind every now and then :(
     
  16. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    Ohhh...I really feel for you on that one. I'm not quite in that predicament, as I climax on a regular basis, but DAMN! That's really hard being the only one who can get you off! Exactly how and why is your guy so lackluster in the bedroom?
     
  17. Dreama

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    Wow. My fiance and I have been together for two months shy of two years, and I really think that you need to talk to your man. Seriously, mine will do anything to make sure I'm comfortable and happy in all aspects of life, and I do the same for him. And in the bedroom. You definately need to express your views to him, and if he refuses to hear your concerns, leave him. Your ideal partner is one that cares about your feelings and things, and if he doesn't, you really shouldn't be with him.
     
  18. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    Above anything else I think trust and communication are some of the building blocks of a relationship that has marriage potential. If he isnt willing to at least hear your side of the issue and at least try and make you happy in the relatioship then its just a window into what marriage will be like with him. I say HerHubby is right about the home life causing these issues. But Rose if right also you are the only one that can answer the questions you asked.

    Just to tell you about a similiar situation, I was with a girl for 6 years she didnt have as high of a sexdrive as I would have liked. I kept telling myself that I was the ODD one and that i just wanted it too much (I still think this is true lol). She would always act like we were having to much sex and it was not right and she had to regualate it because if we went overboard it wasnt healthy. Don't get me wrong there were totally electric times, but now I am dating someone that has a sexdrive that rivals mine and it feels great.

    talk to him and if he doesnt seem to care how you feel then maybe its a sign.
     
  19. cbrmale

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    My wife was reticent about being experimental, or talking about it. We still had an okay sex life, but it could have been better, and from pre-marital experience I knew it should have been. I slowly coached her from okay to good, and then suggested that if we didn't go to better, it may cause me to seek solace elsewhere. Gently, we went the next step, and the more she advanced, the more she enjoyed it, and the better it has become.

    In this case, the guy may be embarrassed about his body, which is a shame because there is nothing better than the feeling of full body contact, skin to skin. As far as oral on a woman goes, I've done it to many women and taste and odour has never been unpleasant. The correct way is to concentrate on the clit in any case, which is how I can go down on my wife during her period.

    If the guy is worried, a totally shaved pussy smells and tastes better. But the shower straight after sex worries me, and it may be a lost cause.
     
  20. cloudwalker

    cloudwalker New Member

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    hard to enjoy

    I was ashamed till meeting a mate when 25 that made me open to be kinky sexual way that i felt it was so much shared by her.I love the smell when givng oral and it gives me cravings to do from the turn on for me while its her same like
     
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