Awesome dude, sexual dud. What to do?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by hmm, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. hmm

    hmm New Member

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    Hi Everybody.

    I know this is going to sound shallow, but oh well, I'm going to put myself out there...

    I started dating this great guy -- handsome, funny, thoughtful, generous, stable in all the right ways (mentally, emotionally, financially), and makes my heart melt when he kisses me.

    Then came the sex.

    Pardon my bluntness, but it's got to be said -- average sized penis that never gets fully stiff (like a half erection), so it falls out constantly during the act, very little stamina, stopping every 30 seconds and making me ride on top (and the kind of riding where I'm doing *all* the work), prefers missionary position which in his case consists of chest-to-chest, very slow and deep penetration punctuated by frenetic, shallow jackhammering, isn't into rough or dirty sex, and gave me no surprises.

    I don't know how it was possible for him to not once, in 6 acts of sex over 12 hours, hit me in the right spot, yet hit me in the wrong spot (the, "oh my god, my ovaries!" spot) several times. To top it off, he's the furriest man I've ever laid eyes on and is totally out of shape, so there isn't one part of his actual body that turns me on.

    Sigh.

    I really, really like him, and I want to try to work on the sex aspect, but I have no idea how to approach it or how to explain to him that the motion in his ocean is rocky in a bad way. I don't even know what to tell him that he's doing wrong because I can't pinpoint it. He needs to tilt his body differently and/or change his rhythm, but I'm not sure how. And the half erection, well...short of suggesting Viagra, I have no idea.

    (What sucks is that I recently left a long-term relationship, with a man I loved but can't be with because he has major addiction/personality issues, and my sexual chemistry with him was off the charts! He had a huge one, sexy legs and ass, could go forever, knew all the right positions and did them without me asking, was rough with me without being abashed, and did all sorts of odd and surprising little things that turned me on (finger in the belly button, tongue in the ear, etc.). I'd say that half of that was because we were together for so long, but it was like that with him from day one. I honestly think I stayed with him and put up with his crap all for the mindblowing, every-second-I-feel-like-I'm-in-heaven-while-having-it sex that he gave me.)

    So, what do you think? Is there a chance with the new guy? Can the sex be improved? What do you think he's doing wrong exactly (motion/depth wise), and how do I tell him? This is my first shot at a stable, healthy relationship with an amazing guy, and I don't want to blow it because I'm a nympho.

    Many thanks.
     
    #1 hmm, Jan 31, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2011
  2. Alwayslearningsex

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    Your closing statement is you are a nympho. The poor guy is probably aware he is not that good sexually and probably doesn't feel too good at it. Unless he gets over his problems you will always be left hanging - made wet and left to dry. And if he doesn't turn you on ... well no matter how much you love being with him, it seems like you won't get what you look for. Seems like you got used to some real awesome sex and once you got a taste anything less is not good. Right so far?
    You ever tried to give him oral and hand stimulation to get him harder?
    You ever tried to pinpoint what triggers this amazing sex inside of you? I mean where to hit. Perhaps if he gets hard enough and knows where to hit you things will improve.
    Also the other part of you knowing is that going on top you can pinpoint it better and teach him. Some guys seem to have the touch, while others not so; and they should be helped instead of being bashed and kicked to the curb like garbage.
    If they don't want to try rhat's another story ..... goodbye.
    These are ideas, maybe if you help him get hard, or let him know he should look for help if your best tries don't produce the results of an aching hard on.
    Also knowing your body for YOUR benefit, and give him tyhe incentive to give you what you need. If not him, maybe another nice guy will benefit from your self awareness. I had to teach my ex-wife how to play with me when she wanted to please me, otherwise I may never get it right. two-way street.
     
  3. backcheck64

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    IF you're truly looking long term...move on.
     
  4. FlirtyChick

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    Hun, I can't speak for what he is doing wrong, but you have described it. if you really like this guy and want to improve the sex, then you need to gently communicate what you like and don't like, without any criticism. Once the sex begins to improve, and it will, then you address things like him trimming/shaving/waxing to be more smooth to your liking.

    If I have learned anything, I have learned that if you communicate with and praise a man simultaneously you both will reap the rewards. Hope this helps.
     
  5. igor

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    Some good answers here but I don't know if you can change him. That usually doesn't happen. You may have to move on.
     
  6. lbushwalker

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    Frankly it does not sound like a good fit and I'm with Igor & backcheck64 on this one.
    You can try and fix stuff that ain't really broke but not much point if in the end you end up deeply disappointed.
    Hmm, the problem of course is that you have been fortunate to experienced awesome compatible sex and it is real difficult now to cope with anything less.
    The bar has been set very high!
     
  7. lovn_my_bbw

    lovn_my_bbw New Member

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    move on...you wont change him, you want him to be a sex machine, that can be improved. but the fact that nothing about him turns you on or excites you in any way especially his size is a recipe for disaster. you will more than likely end up cheating or leaving him to get what you really want, so you need to figure out what you really want out of him and this relationship.
     
  8. cbrmale

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    I agree: if a person doesn't have it sexually, then move on. Actually, a VERY good indicator of how good a person will be at sex is kissing. If they're a great kisser, then sex will be good, and if they're pretty average or worse at kissing, then sex will be pretty average, or worse. I've had a lot of partners, and this has never failed me.
     
  9. HardRocker

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    You say he's totally out of shape. That might have a lot to do with his lack of stamina and the half way erections. Sounds like you love him, so encouraging him to start toning up his body might be what he needs to improve the circulation, strength and endurance. A physical exam is a good idea to get started. If you can get him fit and able, maybe you can teach him how to hit the spots.

    I couldn't find anywhere in your post this conclusion came from.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    It's quite elementary, my dear.

    In the 18-30 year age bracket:

    Bad Boys = Great Sex
    Nice Boys = Poor Sex

    In the 30 and up age bracket:

    Bad Men = Bad Sex
    Nice Men = Great Sex

    As for me, I'm married to one of the nicest men you'll meet and while he's not aggressive in the sack, he's willing to let me tell him exactly what I need done with no arguements or reservations.

    Why, just Saturday night, after being together for 15 years, we did something we'd NEVER done before and it was a truly awesome experience.

    Nice guys take a long time to train but, they are so worth it if you can hang in there.
     
    #10 Barbwire, Feb 1, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2011
  11. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I agree with this. All of the issues you have with him are likely related to his level of fitness. In addition, he may well be intimidated by your sexuality. He likely knows he is not pleasing you and that adds to the pressure. There are no guarantees, but open and honest communication is at least worth trying. Without the communications it will definitely not get better. Only you can decide if the investment will be worth it for the long run.
     
  12. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    I think giving a definitive answer is very hard here. There are some contradictions here. He prefers missionary but he makes you get on top. He doesn't get stiff but his hardon pokes your ovaries. He has no stamina but he went 6 times in one extended session. There is nothing about him that turns you on but you melt when he kisses you. Dare I say it sounds like love. You don't use that word but you do say that you really really like him. Love takes work. There is no perfect relationship. If you are interested in the long term with this guy then take flirtychicks advice. I suggest that only loving someone who is good at sex is letting the tail wag the dog. If you care for this guy then be his sex teacher.
     
  13. HardRocker

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    I caught that too. I attributed it to maybe his having an occasional good day with the boner.
     
  14. hmm

    hmm New Member

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    Yes, I have done both, simultaneously. The quality of his erection never changes despite him apparently being very turned on. It's always half hard.

    I would love to pinpoint the spot to hit. That's what I was hoping to gain insight into. It's as though our bodies and rhythm just don't match up.

    He's a great kisser. Oddly, my sex-god ex was a lackluster kisser.

    He has no idea that he's not pleasing me. At most, I have gently communicated and directed him to do a few things differently/linger a bit longer when something feels good, etc., all while moaning and writhing and the whole bit. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. And he seems exceedingly happy with our sexual dynamic (has given me so much praise and drops me texts during the day reliving our encounters).

    Interesting that these things are seen as contradictions. I'll clarify...

    His primary position is missionary, and when he gets tired, he makes me get on top. Within a single session, his stamina is poor in that he goes for about 20 seconds, then stops for 20 seconds, or just lays on me/sits in me while regaining his breath. The 6 times were over the course of 12 hours, and each lasted about 10 - 15 minutes. Despite being soft, he puts himself completely in me and pushes down on me so hard, that, yes, he hits me in the worst way (maybe just from the pressure, I'm not sure). There is nothing about his undressed body that turns me on, but he has an amazing smile and eyes, and it feels good when I'm in his arms.

    Love? I don't think so. I've been casually dating him for two weeks. Spent a total of 5 days with him.
     
    #14 hmm, Feb 1, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2011
  15. hmm

    hmm New Member

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    As a separate reply, I'd like to say that I think I know what needs to be done.

    I can't continue dating him. He is the kind of guy I'd want to settle down with in all ways but one, and after the events of last night, if we were to become exclusive, I know I will cheat on him because, as shallow as it sounds, great sex and sexual attraction is really important to me.

    Last night, I met up with a friend whom I hadn't seen in several years, and the chemistry was so magnetic and palpable, we couldn't resist each other and had AMAZING sex. The whole dynamic was just spot on. There's no chance for anything long-term with him (our goals don't match up), but after being with him, I believe I need to let the nice guy go, and have a little faith that someone who is both a good guy and great in bed exists and will match up with me at some point.

    Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and suggestions.
     
    #15 hmm, Feb 1, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2011
  16. HardRocker

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    Well, I was about to say, unless you want to make him a project, you should probably move on. Looks like you beat me to it. Good luck. I hope you can break it off without too many tears.
     
  17. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    One other thought - you said you just broke up with a guy where the sex was really good, partly because you knew each other so well. Is it possible that you're expectations are too high at the moment? You can't exactly expect to pick up where you left off, so to speak.

    A lot of folks here have encouraged you to give it up and move on, and maybe that's good advice in the long run. But I don't think half a dozen or so escapades is a fair way to measure a man's true potential. If everything else about him is so good, it might be worth trying a good deal of patience and training before moving on.
     
  18. Barbwire

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    Ahh, the clitoris trumps the brain again. :ugh
     
  19. Beach

    Beach New Member

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    lol !
     
  20. loveit247

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    I think you are making a mistake. It took my SO and I three years to settle into each other. I had the same issues with him that you have with Nice Guy.

    Sex was just........... off. Three years down the line, while it may not be the best I have had, it is good. I love him so much and he is a wonderful man, I have never been happier.