Avoiding resentment

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Sagittarius84, Oct 17, 2016.

  1. Sagittarius84

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    I have other threads to provide a little bit of context as to what my issue is. For the TL;DR crowd, late-blooming from me equals me being in the physical prime of my life now, compared against my girlfriend who has allowed Life Choices 2 put her in a somewhat sorry physical state.
    I have this ongoing issue where depending on certain decisions that she will make about her medication or other actions she will take her libido ends up going down and I end up getting cut off. I always try to take precautions beforehand to prevent such times but ultimately she's going to do what she wants to do. Now she's finally demonstrated some initiative and got her medication and health straight for the time being and is feeilng a bit randy. Now to a periodically sexually deprived individual, i know conventional wisdom dictates i get some while the getting is good. But i can't shake the pangs of resentment stemming from the fact that her unwillingness to heed my advice or at least to humor my suggestions are the primary reason we end up in said dry spells in the 1st place.
    I'm not advocating using sex to reward/punish behaviors, but shouldn't my desire to have sex in some way be tied to my feelings on how her decisions are affecting both of us?
    I feel like I'm either going to turn her down and explain my issue, further lengthing the dry spell, or succumb to my urges and have her do the exact same thing in a few months...
    Any advice?
     
  2. Jeff Powers

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    Well, based on what you've said here, and without knowing each of you, I would suggest avoiding anything manipulative right now. I would continue to love her unconditionally, to cherish her, and to act as selflessly as possible towards her with acts of non-sexual love. Make sure you affirm her efforts to improve her health and speak words of encouragement, especially if the receiving verbal encouragement is her primary "love language."

    Think about that.
     
  3. Sagittarius84

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    ... Which has basically been in my existence for the past 5 years or so.. don't they Define insanity as doing the same actions and expecting a different result? At what point should one realize that utilizing love language isn't working? It just seems like she gets her sexual satisfaction and then has no impetus to change.
     
  4. Sagittarius84

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    I think I'm going to just use lack of sleep as an excuse tonite(not entirely inaccurate). I just....can't right now, and every piece of advice I look up or solicit, especially in terms of men's concerns about their female significant other, seems to revolve around me either being initially at fault(not the case), or that doing more of the same is going to magically grant different results because of some antiquated notion that some women aren't capable of complacency when they are getting what they want out of a relationship without bothering to prioritize their ability to reciprocate.
    Again, not advocating using sex as a tool of manipulation, or to reward/punish behaviors..but I feel like she needs to feel a portion of how I feel regularly before we can even communicate further on the subject....
     
  5. Sagittarius84

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    That's just it, a desire to be back to normal isn't the same as a desire to get oneself back to normality. One is an intellectual exercise, the other requires actual effort...I appreciate the advice, but it has a very gendered twinge that I don't think would be offered if I was a frustrated woman dealing with her male SO. This is not atypical behavior for her, it's somewhat periodic, and I am seeking to break the cycle, not perpetuate it further. My undivided love and support is what has basically allowed her to sink into these pits of complacency, and I'm finding it hard to believe that enabling her further is going to solve the issue. Maybe I'll start reading advice given to women when they have similar issues with their respective SOs. There seems to be more of a proactive push there, instead of the "be patient and wait" advice that seemes to be geared soley towards men.
     
  6. Sagittarius84

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    So after 2 nights of me abstaining, and a total 3wks without sex, she(unprompted) suggested her birth control is the reason for her lowered libido..fair enough, though it has never been an issue before.
    I'm still a little salty at the notion that she expects me to be ready to go when she's horny, yet my horniness goes unrequited on the regular. She seems to be ready tonight, but after such a hiatus, I find myself wondering if it's worth the lopsided amount of effort I'm going to have to put in anyways...
    Its almost like i prophesied about this sometime ago during a dry spell, when she revealed she was scared I would stray as a result, and I looked at her and asked if she truly thought that was the worst that could happen. When she replied yes, I told her what she really needs to be worried about is when my libido just doesn't feel like bothering anymore...so far I don't look at a 1/4 of the porn I normally do, and haven't had the urge to masturbate to about the same degree. I've already decided that cheating isn't an option, and polyamory is pretty much out of the question, so I think what she doesn't even know is her worse fear is starting to manifest...
     
  7. sensless

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    People don't change. You portray her as a horribly self centered person. That's how she'll be for the rest of her life. I'll assume this woman is the person you describe in your threads.

    Some hormonal glitches make her feel desire now and then. It's the spells where she seeks sex. It's not a real change. It's part of the whole. She doesn't like fucking you, because if she did, she wouldn't just ignore your needs and desires when she's on the hormonal low. Not feeling desire is normal for a lot of women. Completely ignoring her partners needs during those times is the territory of the selfish, enabled ones.

    So, if you're avoiding sex thinking that will make her realize how frustrating that is and change, you're getting it all wrong. She knows what she does. She does it, because she doesn't care for you. It isn't for lack of epiphany. Or else, you've engaged with a very ignorant woman. You being the inteligente man you are, I can't believe you'd be having kids with that kind of brain dead person. So, I'm assuming she isn't completely dumb.

    Enjoy sex when you can, when she's in the mood to use you. Or don't. But have no illusions that you stopping enabling her will make her suddenly become human and compassionate and change.

    Somewhere in your life you've decided to spend it with an egoistic, cold person who's also a loser (lack of responsibility in taking care of her own health, etc). It's only going to get worse, as this person ages. Not better.

    Even if she has a clear, compassionate thought, five minutes later she'll be back to being who she is. And who she is couldn't care less for you and your needs.

    I don't know her. I'm writing about the horrible character you describe in your threads.
     
    #7 sensless, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
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  8. Sagittarius84

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    I really appreciate the sentiment you're putting across. You're absolutely right about how she comes across in my posts, but also and how it only represents one perspective of the story. I think I can own up to and better reflect upon my own biases when I can exercise full disclosure about my feelings by illustrating her as the bad guy. I can then go back and compare my writings against my actual experiences. Simply put, I need her to be the bad guy to be really honest about how I feel at the time.
    Some guys get a punching bag, others go to a gun range, I play racing sim games and vent my sexual frustrations in an anonymous online forum. Either way it keeps me from directing my anger and resentment in an unhealthy way to the woman I love.
    So in short, we're back on track a little bit..got a major oxytocin boost last with sex then having to get my kid back to sleep, so I'm probably riding high on some major paternal hormones, but we're good, and I feel like they can get better.
     
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  9. Sexy Strip

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    No one here can really say what you base sex on. It sounds like to me reading this, she is stressed possibly expecting someone namely you, to break her fall. You said in another thread she has a heavy jealous streak, thats probably just her feeling inadequate in the relationship and its projected in her jealousy. As some advice, don't be using sex as a weapon. but if you really don't want to have sex because of how the relationship is you should probably sit her down and have a spirited debate on why.
     
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  10. Sagittarius84

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    So, a bit of an update: Gf is now wife. After almost 7 yrs together and her subtle and obvious hints I basically decided why not, as not much will really change beyond a ring on my finger, and her last name. This was Nov 19. Somehow, though not surprisingly, sex frequency is down, maybe 5-7 times including our wedding night, and as of Dec 13 a real paradigm switch, because due to a suspended license i can't currently work. Luckily she worked for the same place so we were able to switch places, and honestly I thought it would be better for us because then I would bear the brunt of tiredness that comes with raising a toddler. Not so much...does she express desire, sure. She'll text me while at work or even at home when we're with the kids talking about how horny she is, what we're going to do, etc.., but without fail is asleep by the time I get our son to sleep. She basically doesn't do morning sex but every 3 months or so, so the frustration builds again and again.
    It's not....fair. All I do is work, either in or out of the home for the benefit of our family. I'm a good father, have been great husband material since the age of 13, and am finally at a point in my life when sexual desire may possibly be reciprocated on a physical basis and it's all for naught. Porn is no longer a refuge, masturbation is mediocre at best, and my resensitized penis more than satisfies her, but leaves me feeling like I've had half an orgasm.
    There will be no FWBs. No polyandry, not even an FFM or FMF threesome, because as she put it, she's convinced the other woman will attempt to snatch me up, a compliment that would hold so much more water if I was actually getting laid on the regular.
    I feel like a trailer queen(automotive term for a show car that is rarely driven, and is transported everywhere). Sure my ego will get stroked. She'll be sure to verbally express her love and attraction. She implies that when I'm not paying attention(how convenient) that I'm turning female heads interested in a test drive, but when it's her turn to drive, it's no more than a couple blocks, under 35mph, and never beyond second gear.
    So tonight is take #3. Same "intentions" of activity, same playful goosing and teasing and dirty texting. How much you want to bet she'll be asleep once I get the kids in bed, yet again? I don't mind gamblers so place your wagers, but I also hate watching people waste their money...
     
  11. BeBop

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    Man, I've been following your posts since back when I was here under my first username and I've been catching up on them now. Here's my take:

    You're in a toxic relationship. In spite of the bias/slant that is inherent to only seeing one side of the story, I think most of us here can still see that something's off and will always be off between you and this woman. You've dedicated far too much of yourself to her and gotten minimal (if not outright negative) returns. It's affecting you - causing you to feel or fear to feel resentment; causing you unhappiness; denying your satisfaction as a sexual being; preying on your mind; driving you to seek outlets/escapes; playing on your principles, morality, and sense of duty... the list goes on.

    I know I'm not some expert. I know I'm not there or really involved in any significant way. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a marriage counselor. Hell, I'm not even over the age of 30 yet. However, if I were in your shoes, I'd end the relationship for the sakes of all involved. I've seen this sort of situation with friends, acquaintances, co-workers, family members - all of them, every time, without fail, were either living miserably (which is debatable as to whether or not you can consider it living) or ended things and improved and grew and did better as people after getting past the initial shock of the break.

    Now this is where you put in a list of extenuating circumstances and reasons that you could never leave her! (Money, kid, house, whatever.)

    Stop. Just stop right there.

    That's a fear of being seen as The Bad Guy. That's a misguided feeling of obligation to care for, support, and also to somehow fix her problems for her as The Man. That's thinking things will somehow miraculously change in the future. That's telling yourself that your child isn't going to notice that Mom and Dad are unhappy and something's not right.

    You're not wrong in your observation that there's a gender-bias in advice given to people in situations such as yours. In fact, people are likely to think I'm some sort of asshole for telling you to get the fuck out of there. The truth is, though, that a toxic relationship is a toxic relationship and abuse/neglect work both ways - regardless of gender, age, or any other factor like that.

    Ask yourself The Three Crucial Questions:

    1. Is this useful/beneficial?
    2. Does this bring me joy?
    3. Does this cause me harm?
     
  12. sensless

    sensless Well-Known Member

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    I was thinking you were getting a 'divorce' and, instead you've got married?!?!?

    Man! How old are you to be giving up on life?
     
  13. Sagittarius84

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    Lol..Let me clarify things. This ongoing issue is one of those 5-95% things; wherein sex is only 5% of the issue when things are going great, and 95% when things are shitty..You guys tend to get the 95% stuff when most of my life hovers around the 5%. I wish the rest of my relationship were as toxic, honestly might make things easier for me. But we appreciate each other's senses of humor, we respect each other's boundaries. I trust her more than many people in my own family. We laugh and celebrate together all of the time. We love each other, and complement each other in all of the big categories; friendships, finances, parenting, so getting married wasn't the end of the world for me, plus I was becoming quite self aware of the potential hypocrisy I was fostering of being anti marriage, without having intimate access to a marriage, or being married myself.
    All of this is what makes the sexual, and by extension the physical aspect of our lives such a paradox for me. It makes me wonder if there's an issue I have that weighs those things so heavily, or if this is just one of those consequences of real life not being an amateur porn shoot..Lol. Or is this just the natural order of things that has just come a bit sooner for us? Surely this is something that happens to older couples, one ages a bit worse than the other, and can't physically keep up any longer? What then? Do hold out on the unrealistic hope that your partner will(or can) step their game up? Or do you handicap oneself?