Attitudes in Wife's Rejection of Advances

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Oct 23, 2006.

  1. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    My wife sometimes rejects my advances. Ok, more than sometimes, often rejects. For those rare times, when I score, it has been worth it, so far.

    Sometimes, I anticipate that my wife is in a rejecting mode, and I don't even make the advances, to get rejected. I stop before I start.

    Usually, I try to take the attidude that my wife's rejection of my advances, is part of the process. I take my hands off, and move away, stopping contact. The idea is to give my wife the reality that she is in control, and I will stop at any time she uninvites my advnaces.

    Sometimes, I feel discouraged by my wife's rejection, and I take an attitude of resentment, toward my wife, as a person.

    There have been a several threads about differences in the frequency of the desire for sex, within couples. There is a SEXUAL FOREPLAY AND TECHNIQUES Section on SF, which explains better ways to avoid getting rejected.

    I started this thread about attitudes, because I sometimes fail to take the best attitude that would make the relationship more mutually supportive. I have not discussed much about attitudes in this first post, as I am just trying to set up the parameters justifying this new thread.

    Sometimes, my taking a poor attitude about getting rejected, couses my wife to repond with unfriendly attitudes, and then we have an unpleasant few minutes, hours or days. So the downward spiral goes: I make an advance; wife rejects my advance; I take a resentful attitued; Wife responds unpleasantly to my attitude; and we both feel disappointed with each other; so my advances have even less chance of succeeding.

    In order to avoid the downward spiral, I need to take a healthy attidude about rejections for my advances. Usually, I just try some reconfigured, less agressive, advances again, after some period of minutes or hours.
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2006
    Messages:
    4,108
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Illinois
    Does the reason she gives you change your attitude?
     
  3. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Talk to her about why she rejects you so often. I'm sure she doesn't just reject you because she doesn't want you. Maybe she has some legitimate reasons, you know? Tell her that you love her no matter what, and maybe you could understand one another a little better, and perhaps cut the number of rejections.
     
  4. pirouette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2006
    Messages:
    2,463
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Upstate New York
    Sorry to hear you are having rejection issues Logger. You are completely right about going into the advance with the proper attitude though. If you are thinking about the possibility of being rejected you're probably projecting that in your advances. Some women have a keen sense for negativity. It also sounds like your confidence could use a boost. Women also have a keen sense for that.
    I prefer it if the advance is completely positive (not a challenge) and charming. If I'm not in the mood (for whatever reason), it's best if he takes it in stride - no big deal, no shattered confidence, no pissed off attitudes. Maybe-next-time kind of attitude. Then, if I'm feeling up to it later, I know he's going to be receptive to my advances. And there's no bad feelings between us.
    post script: how's the naked exercising going?
     
  5. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Melicious,

    My wife rarely gives reasons. I assume that I have been rejected, because I have tried to advance too far, for the level of arousal that I have created, or that exists within my wife.

    My wife will reject me by turning away form me, or if I have my tip rubbing her vagina lips, seeking insertion, my wife will move her hips to the side, so that insertion cannot be accomplished, unless I shift to a new position. When my wife shifts her hips, I take that as a rejection, and move away, to start the arousal/massage process over at some interval of time passing.

    My attitude can vary, but I think I should just balance the time I have available for sex, against how much time I want to put into getting my wife aroused, versus the pleasure of accepting something less than intercourse, for my climax.

    The attitude could be, I'll try dry humping next. Or I'll just try mutrual masturbation. Or I'll just masturbate, and enjoy caressing some non-snsitive portions of my wife's body. Whatever I decide to try, I can approach the project with an attitude of enjoying my pleasure, to the extent reasonable under the balancing of alternatives.
     
  6. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Dreama,

    Perceptions of power may be part of the equation.

    I probably need to increase my feeling or personal power.

    I sometimes feel resentful when my wife is uncooperative or inconsiderate.

    I should probably work on increasing my power, instead of feeling discouraged.
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    My wife is quite similar to yours and I, like yourself, use to get really fustrated about it. However over time I learned to cope and allowed her to make the overt advances. I have found there are other ways than being so overt about advances. If I want to get her in the mood I write her what we term "Porn Mail". "Porn Mail" is something that we have agreed and it is an explicit email describing an erotic scene that usually involving her. It is usually a story that I know will 'get her off' and get her really horny. Usually it provides great dividens.

    So what I am trying to say there are ways to make advances without being overt about it. You will have to try and find what works.
     
  8. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    So you're in bed together and you move on her, and she turns away, or something similar.

    I'm not a relationship expert, but what has worked for us is to make romantic advances before going to bed, and we usually have sex in the morning or during the day in any case. In fact, an advance may be made some hours before, depending in circumstances. This 'sex date' worked well for use when we had young children. Sex dates also worked when I was doing a bit of business travel, say a phone call that I'm in the airport, a couple of hours to go, and can't wait to rip your clothes off! Or an advance may be more spotaneous, say we are watching drivel on television and one or other makes a suggestion that we could be doing something way more pleasurable and we go to bed!

    Now we have a healthy relationship on many levels, and were sexually compatible from day one, so sex three or four time a week suits us. We never had to sychronise ourselves, it just happens we are matched.

    For you, I've given some ideas of a different form of sexual initiation. But you may also benefit from being communicative and romantic and describing your feelings about love and sex, and how much you like to make love and how good it makes you feel and how much closer the two of you become when you make love together. You can never be too romantic with your partner!
     
  9. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Pirouette,

    Thanks for the sympathy.

    Thanks for the suggestion of an attitude of self-confidence and, "Well, OK for not now, maybe next time."

    My orginial idea of excercising naked was for my wife to provide an incentive, buy her being naked. My idea was not to be a naked porn star dancing for my wife, to make her hot. I have not gotten any rejections on my naked dancing. My attitude is more just to do what exercises seem right for miy physical development. If it helps turn her on, that is nice too, but not really the main emphasis I had in mind. I am still in the cogitating stages on naked dancing.
     
  10. pirouette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2006
    Messages:
    2,463
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Upstate New York
    Dear Logger,
    I can't help but notice your relationship seems to be some constant tug of war between you and your wife. There always seems to be an unresolved issue. I don't think it's a power struggle but it definately needs to be resolved so you can have a healthy sex life. I know we have discussed compromise and needs. Tactics and enticements. .....I just get the nagging feeling that the symptoms are clear but the problem isn't.
    You need to figure out how to communicate with her. She doesn't understand your unhappiness (or worse, she doesn't care) and she doesn't seem to mind that you are not satisfied. You have a major communication problem still. I wish I had more than sympathetic words for you.
     
  11. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2006
    Messages:
    832
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Southern Cone
    Pilots have something called "DEAD MAN'S SPIRAL", which is how that Kennedy guy crashed and got killed about 5 years ago. The stalls due to low speed, and starts spiraling down the earth, ususally head first. They're easy to pull out of if you have enough altitude, but woe to the guy who gets caught in one close to the ground!

    The point, grab the controls and pull yourself the hell out of the spiral! Maybe you need a short break from each other! And a good heart to heart!
     
  12. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Communication:

    There is not really that much conflict about sex with my wife. We don't argue about sex. As long as I can masturbate and sometimes watch erotic DVD's I am Happy.

    When my wife rejects my advances by moving her hips, or turning away from me, she usually feels like she is not in the mood right then. She is mostly unable to predict if she will get into a better mood, if I wait a few minutes, and use this or that, fresh approach.

    Whether to utilize more foreplay, or just go ahead and masturbate myself to climax, while caressing her, is the decision I need to make. Sometimes I chose teh shortut of maturbvating myself to climax, experience exhiliration, and then get the feeling that my wife is getting more horny, and that I should have applied more patient foreplay, a little longer.

    Certainly not getting copulation every time I would like vaginal sex, is less than ideal. But I did not start this thread to get sympathy. For this thread, I am looking at the attitudes that I feel, modify and express as rejection occurs.

    I had an arrangement with a past lover, that whenever I wanted to make love, she would go through the process of getting started, lubed and inserted, even if she was not realy in the mood. After stroking for a while, she woul let me know when she was getting tired of making love. But starting out was hardly ever an issue with that lady.

    My wife seems to ordinarily not want to go through the challenge of getting my tip lubed and sliding comfortably inside her vagina. I need to work to get my wife aroused, with foreplay. My own excitement, from masturbating myself, seems to add to her excitement
     
  13. pirouette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2006
    Messages:
    2,463
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Upstate New York
    It is a really great turn on for me too. I would have to say that once I see that I absolutely have to have sex as quickly as possible. I'm sure she enjoys it as a form of foreplay. :)
     
  14. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    OPORTUNITIES AT THE MOMENT OF REJECTION:

    How about summarizing a few items on my wish list?

    I withhold mentioning things on my wish list, as long as things are going half-way cooperative. But if I am going to have to back off for a few minutes, any way, why not just remind her about a few things on my wish list?

    "It would be nice if, you could extend some consderation, understanging, accomodations, exceptions, and privacy from explaining my foibles to your friends." "It would be nice if we could get inserted, and then see how long you felt OK before you experienced discomfort from going too long."

    Whatever comes to mind.

    Sometimes I hesitate to make advances, as I really don't like experiencing rejections. The last few nights, I felt she was more ready after I had fallen asleep, and did not wake up to take advantage, and then in the morning, when I was ready, my wife was no longer aroused.

    Maybe if thoughts of rejections come to mind, I will think of some of my wishes, so that if I do get rejected, I will have my wishes ready to list, before I back off, a sulk silently for a while.
     
  15. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    HUSBAND'S WISH LIST IDEAS AND REPLIES, FOR REJECTIONS:

    Let me know if you feel there are any areas that you feel like getting rubbed, or massaged.

    Maybe your arousal will increase, if I stop touching you.

    Maybe you are not ready to share my squirting tonight.

    It would be nice if our caressing was generating as much energy as your delaying habits are taking away from my energy for getting things done.

    Sometimes I turn over to let your arousal increase, but then I fall asleep, and when I awake, all opportunies have been lost, because the obligations of the morning are in mind. I wish I could know when you might be more interested.
     
    #15 Logger, Nov 23, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2006