Asking wife to shift attitudes

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, May 7, 2015.

  1. Logger

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    Usually, I accept whatever attitude my wife might have at any moment, and respond accordingly.

    I do not usually try to think of ways to ask my wife to change her attitude.

    But lately, I have had some receptivity from my wife to my suggestions for her to shift her attitude.

    So this thread is to think of polite, respectful approaches to ask my wife to shift her attitude, to generate more pleasure for me, and her.

    My wife usually wears a top to bed. It is usually a hassle to get the top off, after she comes to bed. So I asked her before bedtime, to come to bed topless, for tonight. My wife has come to bed topless several times in the last month, when I have asked her. I enjoy free access to her boobs, Hopefully she enjoys my sucking her nipples, etc.

    My wife often feels shy about letting me lick her clitoris. So I would like her to shift her attitude to, "I enjoy having my husband put his tongue on my clitoris" So I can talk to her, in advance of going to bed, that I would like her to feel good that I am licking her clitoris, and that I am ready for any coaching she might have. Maybe like faster, deeper, not on the tip, lighter, push in more, more to the side, more towards the outer lip, whatever.

    My wife sometimes expresses the idea that she feels she should take a quick bath, if I want to oral with her, but for me, a damp wash cloth is all that is needed for me. So I can ask her in advance, to trust me to get clean enough with a wash cloth.

    I try to encourage my wife to discuss her ideas, every day. But usually, my wife does not bring up ideas about sex. So I need to find moments in the evening, when I can shift the topic of conversation to blow jobs, oral, and enjoying oral.

    My wife sometimes seems to take the attitude that sex is a chore for her. But I am not pushy about sex. I can wait if she is not ready for more. So my wife should have the idea that she is managing her pleasure. So if she is not ready for some advancement, just let me know that she wants to shift to a lower level of arousal, but still in the enjoyable range. So, maybe in the evening, I can remind her to keep her attitude in the pleasure range, and to have confidence that I am ready to shift to a lower level of arousal, and that it may seem that I am goal oriented with climax, but that pleasure for her is a more important goal. Maybe like shifting from massaging her back to massaging her feet. Usually, my wife's feet are consistently more ready for stimulation.




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  2. Doitagain

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    It could just be that she is self conscious and have nothing to do with her attitude . And some people just like what they like. Just have to talk to her and accept some things as is and give it time. Don't be pushy.
     
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  3. JRB

    JRB
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    Wow what a great thread! I can relate to a lot of what you're saying about your wife's attitude toward sex, especially the part about going down on her. This is something I've been working on with my wife but I have to tread very lightly or else she gets defensive. At least in my case I think it stems from insecurities regarding the way it looks and sometimes smells, I just try to tell her that because it's hers it's my favorite and I just want to make it feel good. She then usually comes back with something like "I just want you in me, that makes me feel good" and I get it, but I just can't wrap my brain around why any woman wouldn't want me to go down on them unless they were very insecure about their Vagina.
     
  4. whybother

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    I used to think in terms of changing my wife's attitude, but then realized that the best sex always includes pleasing the other person. When we were having regular sex I didn't overthink things too much and say "I want anal sex tonight, how do get her to want that?" Sure it felt great when it happened but it was because we both wanted it. I wasn't disappointed when it didn't happen. So I have evolved into a place where I share time with my wife and enjoy what we both want. It has actually brought us back to holding hands more, massages and talking. Its quite nice. I'm not Buddhist (and apologies to anyone who is if I butcher the concept) but I guess it the realization that my frustration comes from my desire, not from her "failure" to fulfill my desire. Once I free myself from that desire there is no reason to change her attitude and we get along much better. When we do have sex it is much better than the "just put it in me" sex that we used to have.
     
  5. JRB

    JRB
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    The fact that you have to "free yourself from your desires" sounds really depressing.
     
  6. whybother

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    It's actually quite liberating. Imagine the morbidly obese person who is always hungry, always craving sweets and salt. He has high blood pressure, diabetes, trouble breathing. He desires food all the time but it is a prison that prevents him from being happy. It prevents him from walking down the street without stuggling to breathe. It prevents him from enjoying sex. If he were free from desire of food he could enjoy life. His path to happiness is through freeing himself from the desire for food. That does not mean that he will never eat again he will. But it won't control him. So too, if we free ourselves from the desire for sex we can truly enjoy our relationships and sex will happen.
     
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  7. Logger

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    Perhaps we can discuss modes of love making in two stages. One sage is a planning stage, and the other stage is leading to climax. So planning can take place before sex, and during the first stages of love making.

    One objective of Tantric Love is the merging of the spirits. So when I am close to climaxing, I give my wife first priority, and I have fall back positions, to which I can proceed to finish a climax, with giving her full control of my interaction with her. I may slide back to dry humping, or switch to self-stimulation.

    For marital discussion, foreplay and initiating sex, planning can be discussed. I can let my wife know of my kinky or non-traditional desires, and discuss how my ideas might be met, ideas for compromise; or my ideas may need to be dropped for discussion another time. But once I am getting excited, and going toward climax, I become sensitive to my wife's desires, and back myself off, but try to maintain intimate contact, as much as may work for her.

    But asking my wife for a change in attitude, is probably not going to work, when I am down hill to climax, and compromises are difficult to imagine.

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  8. JRB

    JRB
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    That's a great analogy.....You kinda have me thinking.
     
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  9. Logger

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    Some attitudes that might be requested from a partner could be: cheerful, cooperative, considerate, enlightening, inviting, squeezing, teasing, shaking, exciting, enthusiastic, interested....

    Are there any ideas keeping you from laughing? Smiling?

    Is there anything that is of a particular concern to you, right now?

    Where can my finger tips best serve your feelings now?

    Can you arch your back a little, to project a tractor beam, of being more invitingly voluptuous?



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    #9 Logger, Jun 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2015