Are long term romantic loving relationships purely by chance?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by lmndke, Dec 4, 2006.

  1. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    I've read a lot of posts by people struggling to find, or struggling in a current relationship, and lots of great advice by people that are in what appears to be sexually combatible relationships where the sex and friendship either lasts or grows with time.


    Are the later something that is merely like winning the lotery?

    Is it only found by trail and error, getting involved in relationships over and over after realizing you may be great friends but the sex isn't satisfying, or that the sex is great and the friendship is lacking, both which will eventually effect the other?

    I mostly am addressing people here that sexuality is important to in a relationship, not your typical sex once a month, kids, dog, station wagon, picket fence types that married someone their parents approved of only, types. That is easy to find. (not that there are many people here like that)

    Rather, the types that sexuality is a part of daily life and is equal to all other parts of a relationship.

    Again is this just dumb luck, winning the lottery type of thing?

    It appears extremely rare to me, but I do see it, just never in anyone I've known personally.

    Personally all sex has been good in the begining of relationships I've, had, as was the friendship(fun, lot in common). It seems only after time that the whole of a person is seen i.e. living together.

    Is this the experience of others?

    If not please share.

    especially if you have some tricks to greater recognizing of combatibilty before actually moving in together. (other than the obvious of dating for 5+ years before living together. or where to meet girls that will date for 5 years before moving in together;) )
     
  2. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I'm not sure if finding the right partner is like winning the lottery but I sure hit the jackpot, as it were, with my current SO. Before I met him I was with a man who never thought of me as an equal partner but more of a possession. He was terrible in bed, didn't know the meaning of the word foreplay, and as a result I became very uninterested in sex. (I know, hard to imagine, isn't...me uninterested). As a further result, since he couldn't get sex from me he began cheating on me regularly. Needless to say, this behavior did not make me want to have sex with him. I know I've said this before but guys, if you love your wife/girlfriend and are thinking of cheating on her because you think you aren't getting enough sex, I guarantee that this is not going to make her want to put out more. There are deeper problems/issues that need to be addressed.

    Then I met my current SO. The first thing he said to me was that he thought I was the most beautiful thing he ever saw, which was the most romantic thing anyone ever said to me. My ex didn't find me particularly attractive in my natural state. He didn't like to be seen with me in public unless I was had my hair and makeup done. My current SO prefers me without any makeup, or without any clothing for that matter.

    I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you're involved in the kind of relationship I had with my ex, you find yourself making excuses for their behavior, and tolerating things you told yourself you never ever would. It's amazing what you can get used to.

    But really, you don't have settle for anything. You can find the perfect loving romantic partner. Sometimes it just takes a long time, and I agree to a certain extent a great deal of trial and error to get there. I don't think there are any tricks to recognizing any greater compatibility before moving in together. I'm afraid the only way to know if you are compatible with someone is to move in together and find out.

    Anyway, I wish you luck and hope it all eventually works out for you.
     
  3. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    would you say what you have is common in people you know personally who have been in a steady relationship for 5 years or more?

    (personally means not people you talk to on forums)

    I guess what I'm trying to say is "yes" I agree it can happen, I have seen it, or seen people who say that it has happened to them, but:

    1. what percentage of people do u think find this?

    2. can anyone find it, if so, what are so many doing wrong?

    3. are there some that may never find it?
     
    #3 lmndke, Dec 4, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2006
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    1. I don't talk (other than on this forum) about my own relationship or about others' relationships, so I'd hate to guess, but I'd bet it's much less than half.

    2. To have the kind of relationship you speak of you've got to be a "giver" and you've got to be understanding. Then you must find someone with the same qualities. And then you've got to find one of those who you really like and who really likes you. And if you're both sexually attracted to each other and both have similar libidos, you've got a good shot at a great relationship.

    3. Yes.

    My wife and I are best friends and lovers -- more-so today than yesterday, last year, or 7 years ago when we became partners. Neither of us are perfect, but we accept each other for what we are. I wouldn't love her as much if she didn't have her "imperfections", because without them she wouldn't be who she is.

    While my late wife and I weren't together for a long time, it was the same way. I loved her more every day we were together. I loved her even more because she left dirty dishes on the table and spent money we didn't have. That's who she was, and with all her idiosyncrasies, she was perfect for me.

    I've been very lucky in love.
     
  5. BustHer

    BustHer New Member

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    I agree with Joe and PNB, those type relationships are out there you just have to find the person who is right with you. I have been married for 22 years to the same lady. I love her more now than ever and cant wait to see her each day when she gets home. IMHOThe one biggest thing in sustaining a loving marriage is acceptance of your SO and yourself. I do think you should try to find someone who you can be friends with but when you find that special someone who just blows you away and you decide she is what you want then comes the hard part, staying together. I noticed you spoke of everything being fine at first and then things just seem to fall apart between you. To make it work you have to decide she is what you want and be willing to give and take. After being together an extended period people get on each others nerves as small things surface that you didnt know and cant stand about the other, believe me it goes both ways. This is where your own decisions come into play, can you overlook her short commings, are you willing to see through the things about her and see that same beautiful lady you fell in love with?? For me that is what it takes. I have a picture of my wife taken when we first married and when I get to feeling like I just cant take her anymore I will go get that picture and look at it, then I will come back to the room we were in and look into her face until I can find that special lady I fell in love with again, she is there just waiting for me to find again. We have been through just about most upsets life has to offer, sex,death, injury, kids, money problems, even house temperature. The list of things we have disagreed about is endless but the one thing we agree on all the time is that we love each other and we want to be together. I dont know percentages, yes I think anyone can find it but only if you decide to make it work day after day. Yes, there are those who will never find it because they or the people they become involved with will not make the commitment to make it work. To give everyday to that special person in your life, to open your heart to her even if it means getting it torn apart, trust her accept her, give yourself a reason each day to love her. We dont have a station wagon or a picket fence but we have the rest of the things you mentioned and I assure you sex is very important in our lives. And guess what we do have problems with lots of things along the way sex being one of them but I still love her and cant imagine living without her. Keep in mind it is my choice that our life together comes before anything else including sex and yes sometimes our friendship is strained to the breaking point but we find a way through it because we want to. In short it is about choice. I do wish you peace and hope you find the one you seek once you know what it is you really want and are willing to give of your life to keep it........
     
  6. Bluesy

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    Aside from all the extraordinarily wise and thoughtful things that have been said in the previous posts, you have to talk with your prospective partner. A lot. Not shoot-the-breeze kind of chit chat, like about music and movies and other mundanities. You have to talk about your goals, your values, your history, your future, and everything in between. You have to ask questions that are relevant to what you're looking for in a relationship. Find this stuff out early and if things don't gel on one level or another, don't prolong the inevitable. Don't be afraid to move on, because both of you deserve the opportunity to be with someone you're truly compatible with.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    My perspective on long-term loving relationships is they can happen by chance and they can happen in a more methodical way. Love feels different to everyone, but not so people many know love as the true and overwhelming desire for someone who is both your intellectual and spiritual soulmate as well as the sexiest person on earth. Many find themselves in relationships where either passion is lacking, or they have nothing in common except passion. I would say by observation, about half to three-quarters of relationships are between couples who grew together but who aren't truly passionate as I would define it.

    To find special love and passion you must go with your instincts that get honed by the relationships that didn't work. In other words a few girlfriends help a man find out that no matter how much good company and good sex the relationship had, it wasn't overwhelming love. And not being love you move on and then one day you find someone who is very different to anyone you met before.

    It is easy to drift along in a relationship and hard to set it aside when it isn't terminally broken, but not perfect either, but sometimes that is what you must do.
     
  8. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    Sorry about the bad relationship, but you have had more positive ones before that haven't you?

    Glad to see you've found someone special all the best to both of you.
     
  9. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    At 61 it's great to hear stories like yours.

    Thanks
     
  10. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    I think u have to be commited to not letting the superficial things get in the way, that's obvious, but I don't understand about being commited to being sexually, equally enthusiastic or how you would go about doing such a thing.
     
  11. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    agreed, but no guarantee of lifelong sexually balanced activity in my experience.

    people change in time, in fact they are always changing.

    perhaps simpler folks have it easier.

    maybe my complexities make this more elusive for me.
     
  12. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Can't attest to the "5 years" thing, as my husband and I were married 5 months after our first date. And been married longer than most :sf members have been on this earth! :whoa

    Truly, a new, meaningful relationship ignites euphoria that has been buried deep inside. Virtually everything is good - - and fun - - in the beginning. But to expect all of your days to be that way (not only in relationships, but in life in general) is unrealistic. It's part of living in an imperfect world. Quite frankly, it's the hardships and trials that seem to be the strengthening thread in love. It's those things that fuse two people together. Kind of like the saying, "This will either make us or break us".

    Again, everything is going to have it's 'ups and downs'. This includes your libido and general compatibility, from time to time. There's giving and taking; moving and waiting; ranting and listening; it's all part of becoming more compatible. it doesn't just happen, and everyone lives happily ever after.

    People do change. People are always changing. And whether you realize it or not, I would venture to say that YOU have shown forth some characteristics since you have moved in together that she may find less than appealing, as well.

    Perhaps your complexities make this more elusive for you. But it can work. :tup
     
  13. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    As I've said before, I don't mind being alone.

    I find it peaceful and stress free.

    So I'm not looking personally to just survive a relationship because I'm afraid of being alone.

    (just wanted to throw that clarrification into the mix.)

    I'm talking about being in a relationship because it's good.

    I guess good to me means the pluses outweigh the negatives, in friendship and romance/sexuality, and are not factored by fear of loneliness to any degree, rather purely based on the postivity of the actual relationship.
     
  14. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    I was speaking in general terms, but if u want to make it specific to my current relationship....

    OK, granted, but they don't dim her sexual desire for me, or her desire to spend time with me which both seem inexhaustible. Not once since we've been together has she felt tired of me and wanted to have some time to her self, which I find a bit clingy at times.

    I must also say that the majority of any changes she has seen in me since we moved in are more causality based and consequent.

    I didn't really cause any of her behavior changes, due to my behavior. rather many were things she was keeping under wraps while courting, eventhough friends and family tell me she has been that way for a long time, she put on her best face during courtship and feels she doesn't always need to keep it on now that we're together, IMO.
     
  15. BustHer

    BustHer New Member

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    Imndke, equal enthusiasm sexually is something that comes and goes. After our second child and our third pregnancy (we lost one child) she was very self conscious of her body and we were in a slump, after a death we were in a slump, after I lost a job we were in a slump, the list goes on and on but the the commitment was made to the marriage not to being equally hot or horny and we survived. We were able to understand and accept that things will not always be great sexually that desire levels have peaks and veils. The commitment is to the marriage, the never ending circle where two become one and a new life is born. When you can turn loose of the me in your relationship and feel the we it will all fall into place for you. A long term romantic loving relationship isnt about sex being equal to any other part of the relationship, its about acceptance and giving. In balancing a marriage sex is important but its not the end all of things in life. Its just a part of it. A long term romantic loving relationship is a singularity, a joining of two souls to form a couple or a marriage. Its not chance that makes it work its two committed hearts that want to find a way or path to be together. Sometimes your the giver, sometimes your the taker and you must be willing to accept the role of either.
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    OOOOPS! I'm bad *embarrassed face* - I mixed up the 2 threads, sorry :)
     
  17. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    It really comes down to how much time the two of you are willing to put into developing and maintaining the relationship. If you are only looking for sex than it is quite likely that the relationship will be a short term relationship that is not emotionally fulfilling. However if the two of you take the time to develop and nuture it then there is a good chance it will be a long term fulfilling relationship.
     
  18. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It's a shame that all the data/posts from Dec. 5 until now were lost. This was a very interesting topic, with some very thought-provoking responses. :ugh
     
  19. cbrmale

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    Yes, it is a shame, this was a good thread that delved into some interesting relationship issues. The end result of poor management I'm afraid. I'm an Information Technology analyst and project manager, and the first rule of IT is to backup regularly, and to fully test the data restore processes as well. I could destroy my home computer just now, and the most I would lose is what I have done this morning. The same with commercial servers, you backup at least once a day and you test the restore process on an equivalent server to be certain.