Answers needed from guys and girls

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Frank Grimes, May 11, 2004.

  1. Frank Grimes

    Frank Grimes New Member

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    My wife and I have been married for almost 8 months, and we have a great relationship. We were recently at her parents house, and she found some of her old jewelry, some of which she said came from old boyfriends. I half-joking said that she could wear it if she wanted to be reminded of them, and accused me of trying to make her feel bad, though she wasn't mad. Now she's wearing some of it, and it bugs me a little. It isn't expensive or flashy jewelry by any means, and I'm not going to say anything to her or do anything, but am I wrong for feeling a little weird about that or am I just plain f***ed in the head? I'd appreciated candid input from both sexes. Thanks.
     
  2. Logger

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    Dear Frank.

    I am currently reading and studying "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. So my questions come from that perspective.

    Boundaries can be envisoned as two overlapping circles. One circle is your wishes, the other is your wife's wishes, and the overlaping section is what you both agree on.

    In marriagebuilders. com, they talk about POJA, or the Policy of Join Agreement. The idea is that if our spouse has an objection, then we should delay the activity, until we can reach agreement or compromise.

    One of the challenges, is that boundaries and feelings change over time, and what seems Ok one time, may not be OK the next time. Also, what may seem OK at first, may later kick up feelings of objections.

    One recommendation of Cloud is to have communication with your spouse about boundary issues. A marriage can be thought of as a group of boundaries. Boundaries should not be taken for granted that your spouse is going to readily understand your ideas on boundaries.

    One way I bring up the subject is that I point out some boundary of my wife's that I am observing for her. "You know I suggested that we buy an expensive new car, but I am holding off until we can come up with something you think is a good idea, also." So that gets your wife reailizing that you are a boundary loving husband, and that you value her input.

    An approch that comes to mind next, "You know I did say that it was OK for you to wear the jewlwery from your old boy friends, but now that you are wearing it occasionally, I find I have some feelings I did not expect to come up. I want to share my feelings with you, so that maybe we can come up with some ideas that can let us both be most comfortable."

    So that gets the discussion opened in a constructive manner. Cloud points out that being honest is a two way street. You need to be honest with your spouse, but you also have to be ready to listen to your spouse's actual feelings on the issues, without withdrawing, and without manipulative anger or outbursts.

    Ideas of what to do with the jewlery should better come form you both. But I will throw out some ideas, to get you started. Give the jewlery to the Salvation Army. Put the jewlery in a safe deposit box in your Wife's name, so the jewlery is out of the home, and not worn, yet in her posession, should situations or feelings change.

    What is important is the skill of loving confrontation, according to Cloud in their 2003 book "Boundaries Face to Face" This is an ideal situation to propose to your wife, to enter a boundary loving mode of marriage. Cloud suggests that marriages that deal openly with questions of boundaries are stronger for that approach.

    I tried to avoid answering your question, but rather tried to give you approaches to find answers with your spouse.

    Many marriage advice posts begin with a question of whether someone is right or wrong. The better question I am suggesting is, how can you come to a better understanding with your spouse? Marriage is not about being right or wrong. Marriage is about being considerate to each other's feelings. Feelings, by definition, are not logical, themselves, and have only some partial basis in logic.

    Blessings.
     
  3. hurley

    hurley New Member

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    I dont think its wrong for you to have feelings like that. My gf has 2 rings from guys and i would have the same feelings. One of the guys i dont like period because he has only seen her once and bought her a ring that does look nice and is real. And the guy seems like a stalker type because he has asked her out atleast 10 times when he has only seen her once and they live 40 miles apart. Anyways, ya your not in the wrong place when you feel uncomfterable about it. Maybe you two should sit down and talk about it?
     
  4. Logger

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    Dear Frank,

    I looked for a thread that you had started, so that I could congratulate you on your next new baby. If I read your posts correctly, your wife delivered a baby some 6 months ago, and is now pregnaant with your soon-to-be second child.

    In addition to congratulations, an idea comes to mind from the OJ Simpson trial, where OJ's mother testified that Rickets disease could partly resullt from nursing while pregnant with a second child. If your wife is still nursing your first child, you might look into any potential health considerations.

    Congratualtions again.

    Blessing
     
  5. bee

    bee New Member

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    i won't like it either. just ask her to throw them away.
     
  6. Cotton_Candy

    Cotton_Candy New Member

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    This should have no bearing on YOUR relationship..jealousy equals insacurity ..and jealousy is a ugly thing. Some may think it shows how much you care for your partner..but in my opinion it is showing how much you 'disturst ' them. I have gifts from old b/f's ..and i would not discard them for a new b/f .. this does not mean the old b/f still means anything to me in a romantic sence..but after people break up.. why cant they still remain friends?