An interesting sexual dilemma

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Puss_in_boots, May 15, 2007.

  1. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    One of our automatic sex-related news postings was from an "ethics" column in a Salt Lake City newspaper. A gentleman asks:

    "My wife of 30 years and I are in our 60s. A few years ago she asked that we no longer engage in sex. "It's not such a big deal anymore," she said. She would not see a doctor or consider other help. I began an affair with a widow. Recently my wife found out and went ballistic. If she can casually renounce sex, can't I seek it elsewhere?"

    The response he got was a rather sanctimonious admonishment for betraying his wife's trust by committing adultery. You can read it here if you wish. Anyway, this raises an interesting issue. When one partner unilaterally decides that there will no longer be any sex in the relationship, should the opposite partner then be permitted to outsource some sex?
     
  2. loveit247

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    The partner who excluded sex should bloody well expect that! You can't just remove something from a relationship and expect no consequenses.
     
  3. SexyScorp

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    Yes of course they should!!!

    Well I think so anyway.....why should one go without something
    important and precious cos the other one refuses to engage...

    That said, I do think honesty all round is best...

    As in "i am going to take a lover as I know you dont want to
    engage sexually with me"

    How could anyone argue with that?

    I said to my husband once..."how would you like it if someone
    said you cant go play football three times a week or drive your
    fast car anymore"......

    Hmmm......those things are his outlet....

    Sex is mine, and many others....!!!

    I too am at this point....but have been talking to my partner
    about it for over a year.....

    When it does happen, at least it wont come as a shock to him!!

    Is anyone else in the same or a similar position?
     
  4. lickablesue

    lickablesue New Member

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    if there are no medical ground to with hold sex, then she should think herself luck he stayed at all the silly bitch, would serve her right if he left her for his new found lover. how stupid can some people be
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Does seem a a touch cold hearted of her...perhaps as others said it would have been better if she had sat him down and explained why she no longer wanted sex in their relationship.18 or 80 i would hope a lover i was with would still wish to have sex .
     
  6. heelfetish

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    Is it possible we're only hearing one side of the story here?

    At any rate, I'm against the dishonesty of cheating. So long as both partners are aware of what's going on, I can't see why not. If she did just withhold sex for no good reason, she can't expect no repercussions. I just hope they discussed the matter first.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    Well, here's another question: Is it really even cheating? What's he cheating her out of? Not sex if she's all finished with that.

    Yes, SexyScorp, I was in that situation with my first wife. I went without for 12-15 years. No explanation, it just wasn't going to happen. Before I filed for divorce I hired a call-girl. I figured I might as well know for sure if I was even capable of still having sex before divorcing her for not putting out. I felt pretty guilty about cheating, but then asked myself what I'd cheated her out of. As far as I could see, nothing. (Money was of no concern to us then.) Of course an affair would be a little different; there's usually more involved in those than just sex.
     
  8. Dreama

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    Witholding sex, unless there is a viable medical reason, is cruel and mean spirited. I would hope that the other person would get out of the relationship, but at that age, i can see what he did. I don't love the fact that he cheated, but what was he supposed to do?
     
  9. igor

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    Well, puss - that sounds a lot like my situation (and that of quite a few friends of mine as well). In our case, we have been married over 40 years and suddenly one night, she announced that she didn't want sex any more, even though she thought sex was an important part of marriage and she "enjoyed" what we did. That was over 3 years ago.

    Now, I have not had an affair. Would I? - I don't know.

    If one is religious, the bible basically says not to withold sex except for a short time, because of illness. (I can't quote it exactly) and among biblical scholars, it is considered a sin to withold sex. It is also a sin to commit adultry. A sexless marriage is generally considered to be a marriage where you have sex 10 or fewer times a year (Heck, I'd be happy to get it that much). So who is the sinner here - the wife for refusing sex in the first place, or the guy that goes elsewhere to get satisfaction. I'd say that in a way they both are.
     
  10. Dreama

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    Interesting, igor. I'm not a Christian, but that is pretty interesting if you look at it that way.
     
  11. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    I'm a firm believer in a simple phrase...

    Sex won't make a marriage...
    But, the absence of it can easily destroy one.
     
  12. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    I think it would be perfectly reasonable to seek sex elsewhere in this scenario but he should have told her that that was what was going to happen. She on the other hand seems to be completely unreasonable by refusing sex full stop, especially since she didn't appear to be at all open to seeking help or working through it.
     
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Or even telling him why no more sex, except that she didnt want it anymore and was rather pointless ( not realy any sort of explanaton )

    And yes they should both sit down and talk, but seems that they didnt .

    Thing is though im wondering even if the two involved sat down and had a lengthy chat and discussion about this , ( one partner never wishing anything sexual ever again, one still wishing too ) could any sort of solution be worked out, where a third party was not needed ? i mean would a guy or gal be happy for the rest of their lives only have toys and self masturbation to live with . ?
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    True enough, and one I've often said:

    It takes two people to make a marriage good, but only one to make it bad.
     
  15. SexyScorp

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    hmmm,,,,

    Marriage and passion arent
    always comfortable bed
    fellows in my opinion.......

    Familiarity breeds contempt

    Yawn...

    :)
     
  16. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I can state anything on familiarity breeds contempt, i have never been in a relationship long enough for contemt to be a part of the problem....7 years is the longest and the two of us where having as much sex at the end as at the beginning...( which was a good few times a day every day, i could never get enough


    By the way SS i totaly love the new Avi your using.. :)
     
  17. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    9 years in here, so not as long as a lot of people, but sex is better in the past two years than it ever has been... Seems that familiarity so far isn't a problem here.

    As for the question, I don't think it's still right, because here's the thing:

    a) the wife was upfront with him
    b) he wasn't

    If he had a problem with what his wife was telling him, perhaps he should have been upfront with her in the same way.
     
  18. Joe

    Joe
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    Regarding the dishonesty issue...

    That was the issue the newspaper writer, as well as many of you, had with the husband's actions. Consider this: Wife breaks her marriage contract by arbitrarily declaring, "no more sex, ever". (Sex may not be mentioned in a wedding certificate, but it's certainly understood in most cases.) With most legal contracts, breaking a stipulation of the contract makes the entire contract null and void. If that's the case, she broke the contract, not him. In the business world, he would have been free to walk out and negotiate a new contract with someone else -- no need to terminate the contract; it's already been terminated. I realize that kind of thinking is a little far outside the box, but consider it if you will. *shrugs* Makes at least some sense, doesn't it?

    But on a more personal level, wife didn't want sex but apparently did want to continue the marriage. Do you really believe she would have wanted to know that hubby of 30 years was having sex with someone else? I mean, had she not found out, wouldn't she be happier in a blissful state of ignorance?

    I don't know the correct answer. I do know I wouldn't pass judgement on the guy. I've been there and done the same thing except for getting caught. Once, when my ex asked me what I'd like for a birthday present, I asked if a hooker was out of the question, but I only got a dirty look in reply. My guess, based on personal experience, is that marriages like these don't have a lot of quality communication. Avoiding conflicts becomes more important than heart-to-hearts. It's sad. If my wife cut me off today with no explanation, I'm not sure what I'd do. I divorced my first wife when my kids were out of the nest. We were in our late 40s. I figured it was then or never.
     
  19. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Maybe if she had been upfront at first by saying the reasons why, and not just saying one day that its over between us sexualy...that to me isnt being honest or upfront, it is just being selfish. both were selfish in their own regards.
     
  20. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    Sure, although I'm not sure that it's the same because the husband did not chose to end the contract, he overlooked the infraction; after all, he didn't ask for divorce or anything like that. If he thought she terminated the contract, why no action on his part to really terminate it--ask for separation, move out, etc.?

    But it's certainly a point that's worth thinking about. Certainly is a bit thorny, in any case.


    People do often find out; not always, but hiding adaltarous relationships doesn't always work and is a risky proposition. In the end, she got hurt much more so than she otherwise would have been.


    It's certainly a different problem than most times, isn't it? It's a good example of the old argument whether something is always wrong or can be excusable in a given situation. I mean, saying you don't want sex anymore at all sounds awfully extreme to me, and I really can't relate to that at all.