an affair saved my marriage...

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by redics_girl, Nov 5, 2012.

  1. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    i don't know why this is, but its a question i've been asking myself lately.
    about a month and a half ago, i found out my husband had an affair. it was a short one, 3 meetings, but the person he did it with hurt more than the actual affair. there is some background here- i have been severly depressed for several years, and quit dealing with it. i quit taking my pills, and quit putting in an effort in my marriage- i basically gave up. this, i freely admit. he made his choice, and that was to fuck someone else, but i do understand that my actions had a hand in it and i accept my share of the blame. we've moved past that, we are seeing a therapist, and i am back on my meds, and we are working on our relationship. i have forgiven him, and while he hurt me deeply, i do still love him and want to make this work. i'm not sure what i am looking for out of this forum, but i guess part of me is still a little... confused, maybe? I feel like his affair was the slap in the face that i needed to see that if i didn't wake up and start dealing with things, i was going to lose the one person who is the center of my life. at some point, i did lose him. i stopped caring, i stopped trying, and i forgot that i loved him. it took the anquish of the night i asked him the question that would forever change our relationship, and got the unbelievable answer. if i hadn't asked, i wouldn't have known, and my marriage would be over. I would still be in a spiral, or maybe I would have hit rock bottom by now, and who knows how much worse things would have gotten? I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had this happen? Not your spouse having an affair, but that the affair actually BENEFITTED your relationship? weird question? Am I crazy?
     
  2. backcheck64

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    In my opinion, yes. You checked out of the marriage, but he should have divorced you before screwing around. What guarantees are there you won't check out again, and since he got by with it once, the second and third will be very easy. If you didn't want to take the effort needed for marriage, why didn't you get a divorce? You obviously didn't care.
     
  3. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    to be honest, no, i don't think i did care. thank you, however, for pointing that out. Maybe I should have divorced him when I did check out, but you know what? When he told me there had been someone else, it brought everything right back. I may not have cared, but I did, always, at some level, love and need him. I just wasn't any good at showing that for awhile. I feel like you blame me completely for his affair, which I don't agree with. Yes, I checked out, but at some point, so did he. We are both to blame for it, not just me, and not just him. My point was that we have both accepted that, and that we are working on our relationship and communication, and our marriage is better now than our relationship has ever been. but again, thanks for making me feel like a complete jackass. your opinion is valued and appreciated.

     
  4. Barbwire

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    My tale is similar to yours in a lot of aspects in my situation but, I was the one that sought and found someone outside of the marriage. At first I was just looking for a man to talk to to get a different perspective about problems I was having in my marital bed but, then it turned into an affair. In my case, the affair was strictly over the phone or on the internet with no face-to-face meeting.

    Not far into my virtual affair, I realized that it was tearing me apart to sneak around on my husband so, I told him exactly what was going on.

    My husband considered the fact that I'd been wildly horny since I met my virtual lover. He realized me being horny was good for him, good for me and good for life in general.

    He gave me the go ahead to continue my affair which, after that point really couldn't still be called an affair, turned more into "a best internet buddy's that pretend to fuck" kinda thing.

    My husband admits to being turned on by my relationship with another man and his libido, which had been waning, has returned with gusto since I started to shared stories of my virtual sexcapades with him.

    I feel a very lucky lady to say that I have two men that just adore my mind, body, and spirit and that make me feel happy in so many ways. I also feel blessed that both of my men know that there's a difference between love and sex. They are mature, confident and intelligent men so, how could they not?



     
  5. slickdick

    slickdick Member

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    Well to keep my story short. I recently found out that my wife cheated on me twice. In alot of ways this has brought alot of things into light in our marriage, as well as open up our communication lines. We have both learned alot about each other. So its almost like a fresh start. While it is still very hard, I do see more clearly that this is the woman for me for better or for worse!

    Understand: I am in no why encouraging an affair if a marriage is in trouble, because in my opinion, an affair is in no way worth all the pain and suffering that comes with it!!
     
  6. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    I agree with you- I do not encourage people to have an affair if you are unhappy with your spouse. as well as things are going now, it was extremely painful to learn the details, and while I have been able to work out much of it on my own, when i am alone, it is much easier to begin questioning and doubting things. the best thing to come out of this has been the communication that we now share. we make it a point to contact each other several times throughout the day to just remind each other that we love each other, and we are here. that was something we quit doing. we also discuss our relationship in deeper terms and more often. we talk about the affair and what it did and didnt do for us. we work through our issues now, instead of bottling them up. when one of is is being a jackass, the other speaks up and things are good. losing each other really made us realize that we are supposed to be together, and that even though he made a huge mistake, i made mine too, and we needed to find a way to deal with them and move on together. that is the key- together. that is something we left behind a long time ago. i feel more confident in my relationship now than i have in a long time. i know what i stand to lose now, if i decide to not deal with my depression again. just like he knows what he stands to lose if his dick comes out of his pants again. an affair is absolutely the worst thing you can do to someone you love- the pain and the fear, the anger, the heartbreak, the doubt and loss of trust... its not worth it. but you can get through it, if you want it badly enough.
     
  7. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    There are no guarantees in life- he could very well cheat on me again, just like i could just as easily stop taking my meds and dealing with my depression. i hate that phrase once a cheater, always a cheater. sometimes, its not true, and i trust my husband to not do it again. we both realize our faults and mistakes, and what we would lose if we reverted back to our mistakes. that, i hope, is enough to keep us from becoming the old, selfish versions of ourselves. and btw, its not taht i didn't WANT to take the effort needed for my marriage... i couldn't. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone my husband and my kids. I didn't try to actively kill myself, but i didn't really care if I lived or died, for a long time. And I have my own issues to deal with regarding that. I am in therapy and on meds, not that it is any business of yours. I didn't get a divorce because my husband, even on my darkest days, loved me. I didn't get a divorce because even on my darkest days, I LOVED HIM. I didn't show him that, I didn't trust myself to show him that because I KNEW that my issues were unfair to him. I knew that I was being selfish by not dealing with it, and I was afraid of what would happen when I did. Well, it happened, and it sucked and it broke my heart, but I know now what does happen when I stop trying. I don't ever want to feel that way again, and I am working to make sure that I don't. So what didn't I get a divorce? Because I love and want my husband, and I took a vow for better or worse. We've been through the worst, so it only gets better, right? I've grown up a lot in the last couple months, as has he. So no- there is no GUARUNTEE that things won't get fucked up again, but the best we can do is try to make sure they don't.
     
  8. slickdick

    slickdick Member

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    I am actually scared as Im reading this. I could swear that you are writing our story!!
     
  9. backcheck64

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    I was saying you were both at fault. I got no sense you guys talked about it, just checked out. Cheating should never be an option. And while there is a very slim chance he won't do it again, chances are very high that next time things start to get a little rocky, he's bangin someone else. Marriage is a job, you can either enjoy it, or tollerate it. It's much easier to make it last if you enjoy it.....but I've only been married 25 (together 30)...who knows what 35 or 40 yrs will do.
     
  10. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    lol.... i'm in michigan, so i don't think so. sorry you are going through it as well, it is not a fun place to be
     
  11. cbrmale

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    Sex with my wife had never been better than average and she had too many taboos for my liking. Over time I felt the frustations build and when I started travelling a lot for a project I was involved with I met a married woman who was having sexual problems of her own. We had an affair that lasted quite some time and my wife guessed something was happening, based on something similar to Barb's experience of me being more enthusiastic about my home sex life. My wife agreed to broaden her horizons and pull down some of the taboos and that helped a lot, and it probably saved our marriage. But she also realised that she could only go so far with a husband who had a lot of experience prior to marriage, so agreed that I could continue to see other women as long as she was number one to me, sexually and in other ways.

    I don't get preachy about affairs and there are as many catalysts for affairs as individuals who have affairs. I was interested in affairs and was surprised by the sheer numbers of husbands, wives and marriages affected by affairs. It is ridiculously simplistic to consider divorce or an affair, as there are many ingredients to a great marriage and sex is only one of those. It is ridiculously simplistic to think that a one person can be all things to another person. This is the view of my current FWB and I agree with her, and there are other posts here along similar lines. I like my FWB a lot and I'm glad I met her because she put some logic around my behaviour, and her behaviour too.
     
  12. slickdick

    slickdick Member

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    Yes you too and I wish you and your husband the best of luck!!