[Ask a Girl] Am I Wrong To Feel Unattractive?

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by JohnyLascivious, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. JohnyLascivious

    JohnyLascivious New Member

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    I just found out the other day that my wife thinks penis' are ugly. That kind of explains why when I jokingly whip it out (or let it hang out to see how long it takes for her to notice) she kind of chuckles but never more than quickly glances at it. She also never really plays with it or seems to really like it all that much. Keep in mind she does similar things to me like flash her boobs randomly, moon me, or while we're watching TV she'll hang a boob out and see how long it takes for me to look over and notice. So it's not that she doesn't like this kind of joking around, because she does it too.

    It's kinda hurtful. I really admire her body and I love doing things to her. I love going down on her and rubbing her and massaging her. She just doesn't seem to be interested in my body or my "parts" much at all. She only does things to my penis if I suggest it and even then I can tell she doesn't really want to do it. Even right after I just ate her out for like a half hour. When I talk to her about it she somehow turns it around and makes me sound like I'm the bad guy and makes me sound like that's all I want. If that was all I wanted I wouldn't have married someone who doesn't like my penis and acts like my cum is battery acid on the rare occasion she actually gives me a handjob and any accidentally gets on her. She has like NO labido at all.

    Am I wrong to feel like shit because of this? It makes me feel like I'm not attractive to her.

    Don't get me wrong, I love her VERY much. She is also the greatest friend I have ever had. I just wish I didn't have to feel like I still need to resort to porn and masturbate when she's not home to satisfy my fantasies. I kinda feel guilty about it but I feel like I have to watch porn to enjoy seeing things she won't do.
     
    #1 JohnyLascivious, Jun 23, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  2. HardRocker

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    As to the question in your subject line, I don't think there is any reason for you to feel unattractive. It sounds like she is uncomfortable with sex and that's where to start looking for answers, but that doesn't make it your fault.
    Some of our more analytical members will probably chime in with more helpful advice. Can you tell us how long you've been having sex together, how long you've been married, etc. Has her attitude changed since you first met? Just trying to think of things that will help us think of what you might do to help her get over her negative feelings.
     
  3. JohnyLascivious

    JohnyLascivious New Member

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    We've been married for almost a year and we've been together for about six years total. Her attitude hasn't really changed, she's just kind of always been like this. It's not exactly that she doesn't like sex, there are times when she really wants me, it's that she doesn't often want to do things other than just sex. I'm really into foreplay and just "playing" around with each other. It seems like she just always wants to "get to the point". That's just all she seems to be into. Occasionally she'll give me a blowjob for a minute or two. Sometimes when we're having sex she wants me to do her from behind (not in the ass, which is fine).

    If she tries to turn me on and tease me to get me in the mood, it works. If I try to mess with her and get her in the mood, it fails. Then if I try to talk to her about it she makes it sound like that's all I ever want to do.

    One last thing, if she tries to get me turned on or tries to get me to pay attention to her it will usually work no matter what I'm doing. If she's watching TV or on the computer or something, she can't look away from it at all. Seriously I've gone completely un-noticed over goddamn commercials.
     
  4. sshftn

    sshftn New Member

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    Yes, you are wrong. From my own recent experience, it's not you. My wife of 5 & 1/2 years has always been like that and more recently it's been worse. Everything you described is the exactly the same as me, seriously.

    Then, a couple of months ago she told me she fell in love with a woman, her best friend, who also is in love with her. But she still loves me. Apparently it's more the emotional love with her friend, and like a brother-type love for me.

    I guess it's common for women to think women's bodies are attractive. I don't know, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this(my own situation).

    I hope I didn't scare you. Maybe you could talk to her about being attracted to female bodies more so than mens. But that might make her think more about it and make things more complicated.

    Anyway, don't think it's you.
     
  5. HardRocker

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    Then again, you wouldn't want to plant any ideas in her head that she hasn't already thought of.
     
  6. JohnyLascivious

    JohnyLascivious New Member

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    Damn man I'm really sorry to hear that. My wife actually doesn't think guy or girls "parts" are attractive. She thinks it's all ugly and gross. I've always tried to make it clear to her how much I love her body and how beautiful I think her parts are. It just doesn't matter. She thinks penises, vaginas, ass and boobs are all ugly.

    We actually had another issue last night. She was laying in bed because she had a stomach ache and we were about to go to sleep and she had her feet hanging off the bed. Just to mess with her I ticked her foot and she jumped and laughed. So then I tickled it with my penis (I sleep naked so it was readily available, as always). She started teasing it with her foot. Fast forward a little bit, it ended up with her giving me a footjob. Now, by "footjob" I mean that she lays on her stomach and I move her feet up and down doing all the work. So my arms get tired. Anyway, I finished and cleaned us up quickly (because she hates when my cum is touching her). When I went to get back in bed she wanted me to go down on her. (it would have been awesome if I got that, but what I got I had to do all the work). Anyway, the thing is we've been extremely busy with things the past week that neither of us have actually had a chance to shower in the past two days (which reminds me, I'm getting in right after I post this, haha!). So... eating out a girl when she hasn't showered in two days... Other than bad taste and bad smell I'm pretty sure that's not very healthy either. I love her taste, but I love HER taste. Not the taste of crotch-sweat collected over two days. So I just kindly suggested a soft wet washcloth to wipe it clean a little. Also the shitty toilet paper she insists on buying is so weak and falls apart. I've had it fall apart in my ass crack at least once a week. It leaves lint in her and I don't want a tongue full of two-day lint. In the past she has understood this and she would simply clean it a little with a washcloth (like I suggested last night) and normally it would all be fine. Last night, however, she got upset and just said, "Never mind" and started watching TV.

    I didn't want her to think it was her so I tried to explain the lint and the sweat from two days. I tried to explain everything. She just replied with, "It's ok. Just don't worry about it." A few minutes later she rolled over in bed and faced the wall but I can tell she was upset because she was just staring at the wall. If she was trying to go to sleep her eyes would have been closed. When she does this no matter how many times I ask her what's wrong and tell her to talk to me she just says "I'm fine." in that tone that clearly means "I'm not fine".

    And that was the rest of the night. The next two hours where like that after I turned everything off and got in bed, occasionally trying to get her to talk to me and explain why she feels upset, instead she would just say, "I'm fine." and continue staring at the wall in the dark. And I can tell she was just staring at the wall in the dark facing away from me because it was quiet enough that I could hear her blink.

    Nights like that are just so frustrating and nights like that are what lead me back to watching porn the following day.

    Porn never rejects you (unless you have a bad internet connection, haha!). Porn is always in the mood, always ready when you are, and will last as long as you need it to. You don't have to wonder if it's secretly judging you because you have a foot fetish.

    Well... I'm off to my shower.
     
    #6 JohnyLascivious, Jun 25, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  7. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    This seriously sounds like a communication problem. It is really hard to judge from our stand point, because we are only hearing one side of the story. From what it sounds like to me, you may need to slow down a little bit, and really try to open the lines of communication. Unless the two of you are on the same level, you are bound to have problems.
     
  8. HardRocker

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    Yes, a discussion that you present with a tone of loving concern. If you can get her thinking about where and when she developed these feelings of shame or dirtiness, that will be a good start. Maybe her parents had weird religious beliefs that sex is dirty and the body is unclean.

    I almost never recommend counseling except as a last line resort, but a professional may be able to help keep the communication on track.
     
  9. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    This highlights, from my perspective, the hidden dangers of porn. Not is viewing others bodies, but in presenting a relational attitude that many feel should also apply in real life. In pictures and film a guy whips out his cock and a woman is instantly turned on by the sight. Therefore it must be the same in real life, true? Not really.

    You wife (and I say these things only hearing your side of the story, so keep that caveat in mind) many simply not be a visual person. As a general rule, men tend to be much more visual than women. It is more likely that the sight of tits and pussy will turn on a man, than the sight of a cock will turn on a woman. I am not saying this is true of ALL men and ALL women, but a tendency.

    What may be more important to your wife is the relationship, the communication, the security, the trust she gets from you. Perhaps when those are at a comfortable level the visual inspiration from you will follow. But without serious communication it is much less likely to happen. For example, my Bunnie also does not find penises attractive. She finds then silly and even a bit disgusting. BUT - she find my penis very attractive and cannot get enough of it. Not because it is a penis - because it is MY penis. Which she sees in the practical light of our relationship, not the abstract view of a stranger. That is why she finds it attractive.

    Perhaps - and again, just a thought without knowing more than what you have posted - you need to "back off" with the words a bit. Make your actions speak louder than words. Compliment her efforts instead of being disappointed - for example, be happy (and tell her so) that she let you move her feet up and down for the foot job, do not complain that you did "all the work". If she wants you to eat her, just do it an do not hesitate due to lack of shower. Perhaps your willingness to do so would have made an impression on her. I note that during the footjob it did not seem to bother you that neither of you had not showered. To her it may have come across as "why is cleanliness not important when you want something, but is suddenly important when I want something?"

    If you are always talking about attractive "parts" you see in porn, even if you say hers are, you are not helping the situation. She may not feel that she will measure up to those images, and/or that you care more about the parts than the person. This may or may not be accurate - but unless you communicate you will never know.

    Even though you have been together for six years and married for one, you are just starting out on this journey. Do not rush it. Marriage is meant to be for the long haul. These things can and will take time, even years. My Bunnie tells me that if I have tried all of the things we do now early in our sexual relationship and marriage, she would have run creaming to a cave.Even though she enjoys sex. It would have simply overwhelmed her. Being patient and working on our relationship first is what made the difference over time, which at times did need outside counseling. But the effort was well worth it. I wish the best for both you and your wife.
     
  10. HardRocker

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    Good insight, Hornytoad. Those of us that learned about our sexuality prior to the bombardment of internet porn are lucky in many ways. Our perspectives and expectations developed with long slow and sometimes embarrasing experiences because we were truly clueless at the outset. For the past 10 years, people who are newly becoming curious about sex are getting a cram course supplied by sources that have no interest in reality or human sexuality. A terrible disservice.

    Johnny, I'm not pinning all this on you as the reasons for your troubles, it's just an observation and I kind of hijacked your thread responding to htoad's post more than yours. You are doing the right thing, seeking the opinions and advice of others. If you keep doing that you'll be okay, whatever happens.

    Toad had a typo in his last paragraph that would be hilarious under different circumstances.:p
     
  11. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    You are right - I have fixed it. At least these days she runs creaming towards me. :lol
     
  12. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    I think actually being up close and personel with an erect Cock....

    As a kid I understood vaguely that every man had one... that it could go from being soft and floppy to hard and rigid... Yet when I touched my bf's cock for the first time I just thought no way am I putting that inside me...

    They are ugly in a way, they can be covered in veins, they can stand at odd angles, and if the guy is a bit of a scruff when it comes to keeping control of his pubic hair it can all look a bit ... well ugly...

    In my case ... I used to spend a lot of time naked with my bf, in a non sexual way, just watching a movie or reading or studying.... getting used to each other... after a while you realise his cock well it's ... words defy me...

    Incidently don't do some cheesie psycho analysis on your wife... it could just be her own personel preferance... it doesn't have to mean she's somehow repressed or psychologically damaged..
     
  13. spicy_latina

    spicy_latina New Member

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    We are all different and so I wouldn't say there's something wrong with her. Just try to approach things differently and you'll se what work better for her. These thing might sound new to me because Im so horny pretty much all the time I'm around my BF and I love each and every part of him, not because he's flawless but because I love him. There's nothing more sexy to me that watching in his boxers right after the shower. And so just try to find what's appealing to her.
     
  14. Trond

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    My wife is the opposite. She is getting less and less interested in having sex, but she always wants me to walk around naked, just to see my 'stuff'. Pretty weird. Pretty frustrating too :(