Am I pressuring her?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by disneydad, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    My wife and I we are in our mid forties with two teenage sons. We only have sex about once a month on average. Sometimes she will pleasure me with her hand in between. When we do have sex she usually prefaces it with "Ok let get it over with" "don't get crazy" "make it fast or something like that. Every few months we have a blast and and the sex is really good so I know that if she gives me half a chance I can please her and give her an orgasm. She has said things to me like "sometimes I feel like it and sometimes I don't. Please don't get mad at me when I don't." I have suggested lovemaking I have tried politely asking, cuddling, giving a massage, and many other ways mostly without success. i have tried asking a lot and I have tried not asking at all. I have tried scheduling romantic weekends and I have tried to be spontaneous. The other day we were discussing our plans for the rest of the day. Our boys were out so I said in the most non agressive manner I could muster, "if you want, we could go upstairs and fool around or just cuddle but if you don't want to that's ok" Her response was "don't pressure me." Can someone tell me how I can express my desires without make her feel pressured?
     
  2. toyger

    toyger New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2010
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I am not married, but I know things go up and down in relationships.. Have you tried to play it cool:eyes? I mean being your "sweet normal self" but not makeing any move at her, just acting like a platonic friend (for some weeks/a while) and let her come to you? When something is out of reach, it could be soo much more interessting.. I guess you could always try to tell her how you feel, but I think she knows.. Maybe that could do the trick?
    Good luck:)
     
  3. cook74

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,864
    Likes Received:
    5,908
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    That read like I might as well have typed it, only we are a decade younger and so is our child.
    I also came onto this forum to help me deal with just such a problem.Like yourself I have tried many things to spice up the relationship and bring in romance but to little avail. Things began to get frustrating and unfortunately we sometimes quarreled (either about sex or some triviality that was only masking the bigger picture).
    Our family doctor suggested marriage counseling, not because we were going to separate, but just to make us happier and a more stable family. After a few sessions we got comfortable enough to speak about our mismatched libidos and the counselor was able to help us get back on track with each other and find a resolution.
    We were happy for a while, I took a more laid back attitude and pretended I didn't want it all the time and she took the initiative more often. However we made the mistake of thinking that that was it, problem solved, and we stopped seeing the counselor.
    Thing soured after a few months, we blamed my heavy work schedule, the new load of having a young one to look after and every other problem that besets most, but really it was that we had reverted back to old habits of poor communication and selfishness. Now we are trying to organize time to see someone on a regular basis again.
    Would it be too hard to suggest outside intervention in your case?
     
    #3 cook74, Sep 21, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  4. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    I have the same problem, and my guess is this: unless it's one of those days when the "stars align", no you can't. If you asked her (for future reference) how she would like you to bring it up, she probably wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer. Or, maybe she would say that she likes all the romantic stuff (flowers etc.), but that is still no guarantee (not by a long shot). Women :eyes
     
  5. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Thanks for the advice. A counselor may be in the stars for us. And in the mean time I think I have to find out a little more about her anxieties. She has been feeling generaly out of control and that may explain the lack of interest. I probably have work through some other stuff in order to get back to the loving relationship that we share.
     
  6. luvbug

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2010
    Messages:
    6,072
    Likes Received:
    1,663
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    Could she be depressed? Under a lot of pressure/stress? I dont know how old she is....maybe her hormones are out of whack.

    Some days *most days* I could care less if I have sex...but there are times I cant get enough...but then again I just had a hysterectomy and my marriage is shitty..so....lol

    Counseling sounds like a good idea....and maybe she needs to see her dr. too.

    Good Luck.
     
  7. Meee

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2010
    Messages:
    2,198
    Likes Received:
    3,094
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Potomac, Maryland
    This is the kind of thing you should put at the top in your first post. It makes your question about pressuring not really necessary. Problems with sex are almost always a symptom of something else. Work on the something else first and you might be surprised at the other issues that start to get better.

    BTW, I didn't know that people in their 40s still talk about "fooling around" and so on. Do you have a hesitation about using really sexual words with her?
     
  8. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    I have had the same problem, but not so much anymore. I found there is a huge difference between this:
    And this:
    "Hey, want to make love?" While saying it, hug and kiss her on the neck(or wherever she likes it) with a nice hand caress somewhere.

    That keeps it simple and doesn't include an easy automatic out for her. Sometimes I substitute the make love part with Wanna fuck? That apparently gets her wet and when I was walking on eggshells, it never had the desired result.
     
  9. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2010
    Messages:
    329
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Midwest
    Let me throw my hat into this discussion as well....:( Same basic thing here. I'm ALWAYS interested, and she could care less most days.

    I think the biggest issue for men who go through this is to realize that your girl may see sex totally different than you do. My girl can really get going once I "butter her up"---umm not literally, figuratively. But sometimes getting there is very difficult for her and frustrating for me. Because what worked last week, may not do a thing to get her excited this week.

    Here's what we're doing to combat this:
    We've identified several variables in our lives that are far from ideal.
    1. Money is tight, so that adds stress.
    2. Since money is tight, we don't go to any really exciting places like we should--no stress outlet or stress recuperation, if you will.
    3. The kids are getting well-rooted in school, so there's always homework, baths, snacks to get, fights to break up---again, stress.

    Add to the above that she's 9 yrs younger than me, so we have to pay extra attention to one another's needs to remain on the same level. I try to take a leading role in her stress-management in an attempt to take some of the stress off of her. It helps a little.

    But the biggest problem that Michelle and I face is that she experiences chronic pain with her ovaries (that's what we think is hurting her, anyway). So for ME, sex is everything wonderful and good in the world. For HER, it hurts!

    I'm sorry to ramble. I just wanted you to know that there are far more things going on in most "sex problems" than the sex itself. And remember.......women are VERY complex creatures sometimes, unlike us men.
     
  10. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA

    We do not use overtly sexual words. Even when we were younger having sex almost every day and cursed like sailorsand we used euphemisms like "kissing down there," (for oral), "go in back there" (for anal), and "that time of the month"(that one is easy). We even referred to orgasms by saying "you know" as in "That was great! when I felt you you know it sent me right over the edge and I you knowed too"

    it sounds so idiotic now but back then it was our own little world and it worked for us.

    Our communication is lot tougher now. Part of it is the feeling of responsibility as parents. So saying "Wanna fuck?" isn't exactly going to make her wet.

    I understand the idea though of trying to find what does get her turned on.
     
  11. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    I am mid forties, and until recently was married....13 years, with a great sex life until the end. I never refused sex, but sometimes I could have taken or left it. The reasons varied. I was tired, stressed, worried, preoccupied, etc. IMHO I think counseling is the best way to go. It sounds to me that when you really get it on, you really get it on, and the rest of the time she just doesnt want to let go and enjoy. Perhaps there is a reason for that and if you get to the root of it you can alleviate some of the "no's".

    The one thing that stood out to me in your post was the "don't pressure me" statement. Perhaps she feels like she is being mom, wife, maid, cook, etc., and sex is just one more thing on her list that she "has" to get done. When a woman (or man) has all those daily pressures to deal with sometimes that one more thing can drive them over the edge.

    Does she work outside the home? Does she have help with housework? Are your sons having turbulent teenage years? Are there money issues? Talk with her. Tell her how much you love her, (assuming you do), and that sex is an extension of that love. ASk her what you can do for her so that you guys can be more intimate. Also, read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Excellent material.

    Myself, I would love to have a man in the house at me everyday. I wish you the best! keep us updated.... :)
     
  12. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    WOW! You are very insightful. I had forgotten about "the list" She said that to me once when she was just too tired. I can hear it now "oH YEAH ADD that TO THE LIST" I don't think we guys carry aound the same "list in our heads" We started the process of getting counseling this week. I thinl it will take a little while to get started though. The whole process of getting an appointment and evaluating where to start will take a little while. In the mean time I really appreciate thoughts like yours. even if I'm not getting laid right now, I feel like I'm making some progress.
     
  13. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    I love your statement: "Even if I am not getting laid right now, I feel like I'm making some progress." You truly love your wife and care about your marriage. I am glad you guys are going for counseling. Men ont have "the list" in your heads. Women are typically the caretakers, while you bohemians (LOL) go out and hunt and gather. Women who love thier families worry lots.....Please hang in there and work as hard as you can.

    ;)
     
  14. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I will. In the meantime i hopes its ok if I hang around here and enjoy the posts? It keeps me exploring other pastures (so to speak).
     
  15. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Hey, babe, it's an open forum....Long as you follow the rules and play nice ;) Just kidding. Everyone has something to give, and I am glad you are here.....
     
  16. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    We are always disappointed when someone comes and makes good contributions and then leaves when they are satisfied with their answers. So, please do stay around, the more the better.
     
  17. backcheck64

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    3,433
    Likes Received:
    1,040
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Missouri
    We are in our mid forties, married 23 yrs, together 28, why would you stop taking dirty or using explicit language in the privacy of your bedroom or frankly anywhere out of earshot of the kids. You need to keep that alive to keep the playfullness in the relationship. Granted things interfere at times, with work schedules, kids activities, etc, we have dropped to 2 to 3 times a week. Have her see a doctor about possible causes of disinterest and try getting a little nasty once in a while. It might just trigger something. I'm a business owner, hockey coach, involved in my kids school, my wife is a medical administrator, on the PTA board, hockey club board, lacrosse rep, works with the Relay for Life and United Way....parents of two kids, but in the bedroom, most things are on the table or at least up for discussion. Your kids need to see you with that bond with your wife. You are setting the example they will base thier relationships on. They don't need to see the nasty stuff, but they need to see that spark between the two of you.
     
  18. disneydad

    disneydad New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    We never talked dirty. Why would we start now? Sex cAn be very fulfilling without being nasty. But you are right about our need to reconnect.
     
  19. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Backcheck has a point...

    Talking dirty and being nasty is not the same thing. When a man tells me he is going to eat my pussy, or tells me how tight it is, or tells me he wants to fuck there is an immediate turn-on reaction that cannot be beat. Those kind of "forbidden" words fost lust, and can be a great turn-on. Disney, can you imagine how you will feel at the breakfast table the morning after your wife told you to slam your big fat cock into her tight wet pussy? It may not be for you, but please think about it.
     
  20. igor

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2006
    Messages:
    4,110
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chicago area
    OMG I should be so lucky :ugh