Am i normal?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mattoo, Apr 23, 2006.

  1. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    Hello everyone

    Just thought i would say hello. Ive been with my one and only long time girlfriend for 5 years, she does not believe in sex before marriage, so weve not 'done it' and I havent done it before going out with her either. My pals rip me all the time since im 23. Is this wrong, as sometimes I feel im missing out, but the other side of the coin makes me think that waiting is only fair. Only problem is, i think its becoming an excuse these days, as i think 5 years is more than enough to prove my committment and that im not in it just for sex - it doesnt half make me confused!! :ugh
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Hi, there, Mattoo! Welcome! Looks like you jumped right in with a question. that's great! ;)

    Just out of curiosity, after five years, and your age of 23..... is there a reason that you aren't discussing the "M" word (marriage)? That would certainly dispell any doubts about your commitment.

    (and btw - there is no reason to be embarrassed of your virginity. As a matter of fact, it's none of your friends' business what does or does not go on in your bedroom. If you have a good relationship - something with potential - then it's up to you and your girl. No one else. jmho :) )
     
  3. Thorn

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    Since waiting until marriage is her conviction you are right in not trying to coerce her to change something she believes in. I would also wonder as Rose stated, have the two of you talked about marriage? We are made to have sex. You need to make a decision as to how long you will wait for it and go from there. :ugh

    Good luck. BTW Welcome to the forums. I hope you stay around because there's a great and helpful group of people on here for whatever you're need is...............Thorn
     
  4. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    Welcome mattoo to :sf! :welcome

    I move your thread to the general relationships forum. :)
     
  5. Jemrada

    Jemrada New Member

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    Hello and welcome to the forums.

    I feel there is nothing wrong ether. I was a virgin until I got married. I am 28 now and we will be married for 5 years this September.

    Like Thorn said, It is your decision to have sex not theres. So don't feel bad because you want to wait. It takes alot of work to stay a virgin sometimes. So be proud of yourself, for being yourself.

    So, have you two talked about marriage?
     
  6. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    Crikey, thanks for the replies... We're not really in a position to discuss marriage at the moment, without digging too deep, we've had a difficult few months and she wouldnt move out of her parents when i rented a flat because she thought renting was 'dead money' but i saw it as an opportunity to see how we would get on together in a real working world. We lived together b4 at uni, but that is very different. My landlord then moved back in, i was forced to find something, bought a flat (on my own) as she still wouldnt move out from home (likes cheap bills!!) which hurt me cos i thought she wud much rather live with me?! I might have the blinkers on here but i thought it was odd. And just to top it off, she has now bought a house on her own??! So you can see how its been a funny few months.....hence no talks about marriage!!!
     
  7. Thorn

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    Unfortunately it sounds like the two of you are not on the same page at least about marriage. Sometimes it's just best to come right out and confront someone with what's on your mind. Especially since you have waited so long and the best years of your youth are currently effected, not to mention your whole future. I understand you not wanting to delve in with the marriage discussion with her in light of the recent events you mentioned but you just might find some reason or perceived reason for a long time to come. This is just my opinions I'm sure some others will have other opinions and suggestions that may be helpful also.
     
  8. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    its just very hard, a year ago, i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, now im not sure. And all my family and friends keep saying im missing out on my youth, why get attached so young, enjoy your youth, theres plenty more fish in the sea etc. etc.
     
  9. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    If you need to, take the infamous "break".
     
  10. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    i know its not an excuse but its the old....ive only had one girlfriend and im scared to be on my own, worried wont find anyone else etc.. Its quite hard admitting that but i still have lots of feelings for her, and not sure what the right decision is. Why is life so complicated. And to add to the pressure, im at a crucial stage in my career and we both work shifts!! AHHHHH
     
  11. Joe

    Joe
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    You two need to have some serious discussion! Five years is a looong time to date without sex. I understand that it's important to some people to remain virgins until they're married, but I'd be afraid that the libido isn't what it ought to be.

    It's not WRONG to hold off this long, but it's unusual. I'm afraid I'd walk. You've never had another girlfriend. I think you two do need to take a little break.

    As for your fear of losing the only girlfriend you've ever had, that's quite normal. Trust me, if you do break up you'll find another girlfriend. It's not hard to find a girlfriend (or boyfriend); what's hard is finding the right one that you'll want to stay with for the next 70 years or so.
     
  12. Krof

    Krof New Member

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    I disagree here. I do believe it's wrong for someone to have a love-relationship with someone for this long and not have sex. It seems to me like the woman has confused love with friendship or being siblings. Seriously. Being partners for 5 years and not having sex... it doesn't sound to me like your partners, more like friends.
     
  13. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    i think you hit the nail on the head krof
     
  14. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Hello and welcome to the forums, Mattoo.

    It's nice to see another international member. Krof and I hail from the lovely country of Sweden. I agree with pretty much everything that's already been posted and I don't know if I have anything new to add, apart from answering your initial question. I think you are perfectly normal, but your girlfriend isn't.

    Five years is a looooooong time to be stringing a guy along without sex, especially in an uncertain relationship. If you two were engaged than it'd be different. Oftentimes, people's circumstances prevent them from setting a date, but you guys haven't even discussed marriage yet. It's true that you have been loyal and faithful to her needs regarding no sex until marriage, but remember that your relationship with your girlfriend is supposed to be an equal partnership, and it sounds to me as if she hasn't been very loyal or faithful to your needs, honey.

    And I can't think of a good reason why a woman of her age wouldn't want to move out of her parents' house and in with her boyfriend. It sounds like you're both working and financially stable, so what's the hold up? And the fact that she recently bought herself a house on her own..this on the surface says that she isn't very devoted to you, but then again it could just be that she wants to remain independent.

    I'm just trying to help you get inside the head of an insecure female. Don't know if this is actually helping...but I think you need to sit down with her and ask her exactly what she's so afraid of.

    Good Luck,
    Puss
     
  15. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Yep. time for a good long talk. Be prepared to make some very hard decisions.
    Most important thing to remember.... You do not want to remain with someone simply because you are afraid you can't get anyone else. Years down the road, that will make for a very empty, lonely life. More than likely, you will divorce, and (as your family said) the best years of your life will be gone. At least if you make the changes now, you still have your youthfulness, and hopes and dreams for the future.
    Good luck, my friend.
     
  16. comanighttrain

    comanighttrain New Member

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    Dude....

    23....

    Sorry to be the shallowist, rudest and possibly least sentimental person here but. She takin the piss man, she needs to put out or get out. Sorry dude, It could be time to go hunting because no human is ment to live that long without sex...its not natural.

    If you love her too much to let go....have you considered out-sourcing some sex?
     
  17. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    Thanks for your comments 'Puss in Boots'. I think youre right, and its funny how everyone is saying what i have been thinking but i thought it was just me! We do seem to be going in different ways but i know i would find it hard to let go. I live in the south of the uk, away from all my friends and family, as it was a move linked with my career and to be close to my girlfriend. But dont think she appreciates that. My mum often questions why she wouldnt want to live with me and perfer to be at her parents. The thing is, the way it is now, i dont think we could live together but the when the opportunity arose last year, it should have been taken up, and we would be probably talking about marriage!! Crikey, its not easy but it doesnt half help reading what people think from the outside. Im off there tonight for a meal with her family so ill keep you posted.... thanks everyone for all of your time to write the replies, its much appreciated.
     
  18. Krof

    Krof New Member

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    5 years together and you're not living together?... There is NO reason to stay in this relationship. She is not interested in you. Either she's in denial or just using you. Help yourself and get out of this mess.
     
  19. mattoo

    mattoo New Member

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    we lived together for 2 years at uni then she moved back home with parents whilst i lived away for 6 months for my job then when i moved back, i had to rent a flat on my own!
     
  20. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Here are my 2 cents worth....welcome to SF first off....About your situation , I applaud you for being patient and remaining true to yourself and her.:bow But, I think your being led around the corner, youve moved to be near her, you abstain from sex(because she wants to), you purchased a home to live in. What more can she need or require to be assured you are devoted to her?? I know I certainly didnt have to do all those things to prove to my wife of 6 happy years of marriage, that I was devoted to her. She sounds either like shes immature about life, or not wanting to be with you in a complete way! Mentally nor physically does it sound like you 2 are together.
    Id talk with her and clarify what she wants from you and her relationship....she may not say what youd like to hear, but that will then let you get on with your life! Damn, dont waste your 20s waiting for something that may not be, there are so many other women out there and life is way too short to waste hoping and waiting..live it, dont let it go by! Good Luck and I hope everything works out for both of you but especially you! You deserve it.