Am I in denial of being bisexual? Does my wife know?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by huskerfanatic, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. huskerfanatic

    huskerfanatic New Member

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    For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


    I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

    We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

    I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

    The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

    My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.
     
  2. Meee

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    Yes.
     
  3. Meee

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    Sigh. This is what I get for replying before checking previous threads.

    http://www.sexualforums.com/36814-am-i-bisexual-does-my.html

    Anyway, what I really think is that you're dragging this out. She knows! You don't sound like you're in denial about being bi, but you do sound like you're in denial that you and your wife have discussed it already. It sounds like she knows enough to have expressed some concern; don't keep her wondering and worrying. Sit her down and talk with her. The IMs from work broke the ice, now have a nice, adult talk with her.

    But a talk with her about what? What are your goals? To get her permission to have sex with a man? I'm thinking probably not. How about "My end goal is her accepting this part of me." That's a very worthy goal. You're married to her. You're sharing your lives together. And yet you feel like you're alone with your desires. You end up hating yourself for those desires because you aren't getting any support from the person closest to you in the whole world. Tell her about this part of yourself clearly and maturely and in person face to face. Tell her what you would love to have from her to help you with this. Good luck.
     
    #3 Meee, Nov 26, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  4. huskerfanatic

    huskerfanatic New Member

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    Thank you for the advice! Another question for you. Was I wrong by talking to so many people other than her for advice?
     
  5. Meee

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    Well, you don't want to discuss it with people who will then have to keep it secret from your wife. That makes stress and hurts relationships. You owe it to everyone involved to clear the air and get this out in the open. Discuss the things that have been on your mind with your wife. When she shows her support for you, it will help start repairing those other friendships too.
     
    #5 Meee, Nov 26, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  6. huskerfanatic

    huskerfanatic New Member

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    Thanks! I am just really starting to see my true friends. One of her good friends from college, who i became close with as well..the husband in that couple wont talk to me, and removed me from facebook
     
  7. Meee

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    My humble ( ;) ) opinion is that you should focus on the core relationship in your life first. Talk to your wife about what you need to talk to her about. Facebook drama can wait.
     
  8. huskerfanatic

    huskerfanatic New Member

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    I know. I am just saying, the guy was in our wedding, and so was his wife. now he wont even talk to me.
     
  9. Meee

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    My even humbler ( :shrug ) opinion is that this is the kind of thing I was talking about when I said getting support from your wife on this issue will help resolve those friendship issues too. It all gets back to talking with your wife. I'm going to keep saying it, so you may as well get used to it. It's the first step, then other things will start falling into place.
     
    #9 Meee, Nov 26, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  10. lbushwalker

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    'Stralia Mate!
    Dude of course she knows; just admit it and get it over with.
    Are you gay or just bi curious?
    My senses say yes gay because sex with your woman is "ok" but boring and you are so dick orientated.
    Also many folks apparently have already made up their minds that you are so
    my advice would be try and if you like it face the truth about yourself.
    Little wonder tho' that some of your now ex male friends might be a little cautious of your intent especially if they are homophobic to begin with.
    If you do come out expect a lot more of backlash and probably a divorce but you are what you are and cannot deny that forever.
     
  11. Barbwire

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    It's time to nut up and tell your wife the truth. You are making a fool of yourself and being disrespectful to her by telling everyone but her about your sexual curiosities.

    You think the big issue here is whether you are bi or not. Dude, the BIG issue here is you aren't being honest with your wife.

    Get that shit straightened out before you fuss about the fact you think about sucking cock..
     
  12. peakguy

    peakguy New Member

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    Yah, what she said. Pretty much take care of issue #1 and issue #2 will take care of itself.
     
  13. Dragon_Fire

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    I think you know the answers yourself, that's why you're posing question all these months later.

    I agree with others that you need to man up and own your sexuality as well as letting your wife go free to find someone compatible for her.
     
  14. slickdick

    slickdick Member

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    I know the struggle man. I was closeted bi for the first 2.5 years of my marriage and just recently came out to my wife. Low and behold she was extremely accepting of it and now I can be myself with her, making our marriage as well as sex life all the more better!
    Now obviously I cant guarantee you those same great results but like others said you should be honest with your wife as well as your self. Because eventually the urges will become stronger enough to act upon and guess what that will make you: a lying cheater deceiver heart breaker! And that's the worst, and never worth it believe me!!