I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we love eachother, however I have this fetish and it is both exciting me and depressing me at the same time. Ok, the one thing that drives me wild is to imagine my boyfriend having sex and lusting after another woman. I cum quickly when I fantasize about it. However afterwards I feel very depressed at the thought. :ugh I tested the water the first time by watching him kiss another woman passionately and touching through her clothes in front of me. He got really hard and it excited me so much in the moment however the next day, and the days after I felt upset about it, I didn't tell him ofcourse as it was my idea. When we had sex I was so paranoid that he preferred that other woman. A few months later I took it to another level, I was horny again and on a night out I suggested the two of us go to a strip club. In my head I knew it wasnt the best idea but I was so fired up and horny at the thought that I ignored it and went ahead. I paid for him to have a lap dance in front of me, we paid a little more for one in a private room. I picked out the most attractive stripper there, and watched as she was grinding her naked body over him. This place was pretty seedy and not run very well, so the usual 'don't touch' rules didn't seem to matter too much when I kept assuring her I'd pay her more (I know I know... this keeps getting worse). I asked her to kiss him passionately and let him play with her a little... she wouldn't allow anything else but she did this. I could tell her was crazy with desire, sucking on her nipples and she rubbed herself on him harder and harder. When it ended we left and the sinking feeling started again. I knew I was going to regret this and that the images of them would haunt me but I couldn't control my urges. He was happy and I didn't say anything, because afterall this was all my idea and he was going along with it. It's my fault not his. The worst part is, during masturbation I think back to the night we saw that stripped and I get off on it... then when i've gotten back to my senses, I feel depressed, deeply depressed all over again. :ugh What is wrong with me? Why can't I control myself and this desire? Why do I do this even though it depresses me? we're both in our early twenties.