Am I bisexual? Does my wife suspect anything? How do I tell her?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by huskerfanatic, May 22, 2012.

  1. huskerfanatic

    huskerfanatic New Member

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    Hello all,

    I have a serious question, in need of some serious advice.

    For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys.
    I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well.

    I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex.
    However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things.

    Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me.

    To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense.
    It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise.

    How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men?

    Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything?

    it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies.

    The following incident happened over a year ago.

    so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.

    Any thoughts or comments would be much appreciated!
     
  2. CleaverFace

    CleaverFace New Member

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    It may sound crazy, but I think that situation, where she ran into the craigslist personals, was your foot-in-the-door. And it may still be. It sounds like you may be able to raise the point by entering with "Remember when I was on craigslist?"

    It sounds like if you deflate the importance of the matter a bit to yourself, you can form a more appropriate way to tell your wife. If it's not something massively important and a huge, life altering deal to you, then you may be able to convey it as such, and she may respond accordingly. Ultimately, if she doesn't accept you, she's not allowing you to be yourself.

    As for what you and your wife do with this confession; if she allows you to act upon these fantasies with her consent or simply allows you to take the weight off your shoulders without ever acting upon your desires, she will most likely feel closer to you because you had enough respect for her to tell her, instead of acting upon your impulses without her knowing.
     
  3. slickdick

    slickdick Member

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    I agree with FACE. I was in the same situation with my wife. Beautiful woman sexy body great personality, but i just had this other side of me that i could not shake. I really never talked to anyone about it except for people on here and on backpage because it seemed like they were the only places where i could be myself. So finally i just broke down and told her that i was bi curious and had these thoughts. I showed her my dildos and a few videos and pics that i took of myself, and to my surprise she actually took it really well.

    So all and all Id like to tell you to be honest, because whats the point of being married to someone if you cant be honest, but at the same time I know that you know your wife and I don't. So I don't know how she'd take it. But like FACE said the craigslist thing was definitely that foot in the door.

    JUST KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT HOW MANY MEN FUCK AROUND WITH OTHER MEN ON THE LOW!
     
  4. uncutpete

    uncutpete New Member

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    Moving toward the bi side of the sexual preference spectrum is not unusual as one gets older. I agree that you should think about talking about it with your wife. Do you know her attitudes? Does she know that men can be totally sexually attracted to women and also to men? Can she accept that? If she can, you can broach the subject of your Craigslist exploration. If not, you may have to keep things on the down low. BUT I would not recommend just doing nothing. If you don't try out holding another guy's cock, or sucking one, you will just be fantasizing your whole life.
    If you do something in secret, know that you really want to keep it secret and be smart about it. Pick someone away from you and your life. If you really want to tell her, then talk about it with her.
     
  5. 8675309

    8675309 New Member

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    as to the root question: am I bisexual? I reply: are you attracted to men? if you are (and, that's fine if you are), then you are most likely bisexual. I, personally am not, though I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about this. matter of fact, my girlfriend and I have already talked about all this, and we've only been together 4.5 months. as others have said, talk to your wife about this. if she's okay with it, you may even get her blessing to explore this side of your sexuality. just be prepared for her to possibly go the other way with it, though. I wouldn't take that as permission to cheat on her with men. if she can't accept you, it might be time for counseling or a divorce.
     
  6. Sexyforhim

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    I say just let her know honestly it will just add more spice to you sex life and life in general
     
  7. HikeItUp

    HikeItUp New Member

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    I really don't mean be dismissive about this, because I was once married and "know" how it is, but I guess I don't understand denying oneself of something that feels right. And that goes well beyond sexuality.

    You got married. She's your partner. She's not there to hinder you. She's there to encourage you to live the best, happiest life you can. And conversely, you're there to do the same for her.

    Now if you think telling her that you have fantasies about playing with a guy would cause her to freak out and ask for a divorce, then I guess you have to decide what's more important.

    But just KNOW that you're desires won't go away. Instead, you'll grow to resent her or, possibly, you'll act on your desires and lie to her. Either way, those aren't workable outcomes.

    My take is that you need to make this about her. You say she's a bit conventional and hasn't been exposed to much. Well, you might want to get in to a little exposing, don't you think? Do you ask her about her fantasies? Do you let her know it turns you on to hear about them? Does she feel safe and protected with you? And how do you know she isn't dying to "come out of her shell" but feels you might look at her differently?

    Have some FUN with sex. As long as you know you're on this boat together, and neither of you are getting off at the next port, you'll build up some trust.

    Two things before I get off my soapbox. The first is that life is a solo. No matter how you slice it. That's a fact.

    The second is this. It doesn't strike me that you'd ever have emotional feelings for a man. If your wife knows she's not in danger of losing you, and you don't cheat or lie, then you might be surprised at her openness.

    Good luck.

    Oh, the whole "am I bi" thing? Labels are made by people who live in a black and white world. The good stuff is in the gray. Screw labels.

    BTW...I've sucked a few dicks in threesomes with my GF and it's wild. And the best part? She loves watching. :)
     
    #7 HikeItUp, Sep 4, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2013
  8. almostthere

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    Great advice from all, I coud'nt have said it better.
    Let me add that if your already telling friends and family members she may know. Nothing upsets my lady more than when i go to others with my feelings and not her.
    ease into it. She may have a fantasy of you doing just that and her enjoying watching or better still joining in. There are lots of couples who enjoy that lifestyle.
    best of luck i hope it all works out
     
  9. almostthere

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    Damn i just saw the date.
    dont look at me Hikeitup started it
    ;)