Am I being a mug?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Nikkitta, Oct 23, 2012.

  1. Nikkitta

    Nikkitta Member

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    A while ago me and my partner had some issues regarding his ex. They were together 3 months and she dumped him. He really loved her. Basically he admitted that he didn't know how he felt about her after spending a couple of days with her and her family who he's still close with. If there was still feelings or not. We'd been together about 4 months at the time. We had a massive argument and I kicked him out. Id had a feeling for a day or so that something was up and my instincts had been spot on. I hate it when that happens! He got back in contact the next day and asked if we could meet. We have a dog and a flat together and had been sharing our money. I had no intention at all of getting back with him but when he came over, as soon as I saw him i knew I was screwed. We chatted for hours and ended up having the most emotionaly intense sex. We were both crying. It was beautiful. We both realised then we didnt want to be apart. We took it slowly just seeing each other for a while and we've since moved in with his parents to save for travelling. I believe he loves me. I can feel it. but.. Am I being a mug? Ive been confused before. Should i be thinkin at least he told me? Or am I just being an idiot and making excuses because I love him. I just keep thinking he'll start thinking of her again. Basically it's driving me insane. I feel so stupid and confused.
     
  2. Mittimer

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    He can think about her all he wants, it all comes down to whether or not he acts on those thoughts.

    You're being irrational and foolish if you think that a woman he loved will never cross his mind again. Kicking him out just shows jealousy and fear on your part.

    She dumped him. She is his ex. You are his girlfriend now. If he loves you, then there really shouldn't be an issue. Rather then arguing about it though, I suggest being adults about this and rationally discussing it.
     
  3. Nikkitta

    Nikkitta Member

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    She didn't just cross his mind he had serious doubts about wether he still wanted to be with her. We have discussed this in great detail and he assures me he loves me. I know I'm being stupid. I wanted to know if I was being foolish by taking him back. Wether I was setting my self up to be hurt again.
     
  4. Esozh

    Esozh New Member

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    Yes, you are setting yourself up to be hurt again. No, you are not foolish for taking him back. I'll explain.

    I'm in the divorced club. I loathe my ex wife, am very bitter, and hope she has bad karma. But, as much as I can't stand to be around her, I still loved her, and still, somewhere deep down, care about her enough that I check up on her health a couple times a month. She's 28, and has major medical issues - severely disabled, etc. our divorce was because of personal issues, not her health. I digress.

    Here's the thing - your man is ALWAYS going to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. I love my girl, live with her, would do anything for her. We've been together six months, and things couldn't be better. I took her skydiving for our third date, am taking her on a cruise for Christmas, and to Ireland for her birthday in the spring. Fun trips, sure, but it's the everyday that matters most. I constantly make sure I show her I love her and how much she means to me. I think she's the best thing to ever happen to me, and don't think I deserve her.

    Despite everything I do for her and how much I love her, I still talk to my ex every couple weeks. My girl knows and is well aware. I tell my girl every time I go to see my ex, or even just call. I've never cheated, and will never cheat. But I do maintain a friendship because ai to still care about her. My girl and I have an arrangement that works for us.

    So yeah, I could really hurt my girl in the same manner your man hurt you, and I know she would either put a bullet in my head or take me back, go to counseling, and take things slow. However, I don't think the trust would ever be the same again, and that would probably doom us.

    If you love your man and you guys don't have trust issues, then you're fine. But unless I miss my mark, it sounds as if you don't really trust him - at least around his ex. He needs to choose - either you or his ex. I hate ultimatums, but he's demonstrated he can't be trusted with both.
     
  5. Esozh

    Esozh New Member

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    Also, to each their own, but I don't share my money with anyone. She makes hers, I make mine, we split the bills. I think if you're having relationship issues, having joint finances is setting yourself up for more issues. If you can't trust him to not cheat, how can you trust him to not clean out the bank account if you split? Just my opinion. I know that's off topic, but having been cleaned out, I know how hard it is to recover after being blind sided.
     
  6. Essene

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    Can't we just all get along?

    I'd say your fears are rational when pondered; but they can yield irrational behavior (such as this). If I were him and you tried to kick me out- I wouldn't leave. I'd retort with a flat "no" and go about my business. There are far more mature ways of getting your point across. However, if you felt so strongly that you no longer wanted to see him or be around him- you should have left yourself.

    That aside- we all get angry (I assume) at loved ones. How we handle the situation while endangered or saddened determine 1. maturity and 2. ability to compromise. Someone who gets mad and kicks someone out probably won't be too willing to compromise if it concerns something they feel strongly about. Honestly- your action was jejune.

    In most amorous/sexual relationships people don't solely find interest in their partner and their partner alone. I am sexually/physically/emotionally attracted to many people; but whether I act on that attraction (or react inappropriately to theirs) is what should precipitate certain rash actions. I think about my ex, and females who I have loved. I strongly miss them at times. But that isn't a good reason for my gf to break up with me. Perhaps it is; but not in my "book."