am I a bad husband?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by wsc, Oct 26, 2014.

  1. wsc

    wsc
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    I have been with my wife since 1996. We have 2 daughters (17 and 12 yrs).
    We are both in our 40s. When we have sex it is always good but it is very rare for us to have intercourse. The last time was 2 months ago. She does wank me while we share fantasies...this happens 1 or 2 times a week but sometimes weeks go by without any contact. Once every 3 or 4 weeks she'll want me to make her cum.
    I want sex regularly...every day day or 2 but she doesnt.
    Every now and again I will try and talk but she says she doesnt realise how much time has passed and makes negative comments about me counting.
    She says she fancies me ... we love each other and she says that really enjoys sex with me. Inext to never get to see her naked any more.
    She is tired and stressed with work and travel and it used to lead to me feeling stressed and negative.
    Sometimes we go months with no sexual contact and if I say something it'll lead to an argument about me not understanding. The worst time was over 10 months which caused a lot of problems (5 yrs ago)...since then I have looked at porn films and pictures...I get to wank and see naked women...but I dont talk to her about this as I feel it makes me a bad husband. So my question is ... am I? She knows cos during thd 10 months with no contact she found a dvd I had...she was ok ish when I explained that I couldnt wank over her when she wanted no contact with me and I wanted/needed to hear dirty talk to cum...hence the dvd.
    Please be honest AND kind with your answers as I am unconfident of myself. Also please do not comment on ir judge my wife as she is lovinv in all other ways, a great friend, brilliant mum, really good company and is not having an affair.
    So am I a bad husband...cos sometimes I think I am for using porn to cum.
     
  2. 10_3XL

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    From the small amount I can glean from your post it doesn't (to me) sound at all like you are a "bad husband." To me it sounds like you and your wife are Victims of Circumstance. (Also: Looking at pornography; handling sexual needs that are not being met does not vilify you.)

    You said that she is frequently tired and stressed and also traveling? Well, that right there will do it, my friend! Nothing will kill your libido quicker than being stressed out and tired. It doesn't seem to me that she is disinterested in having sex with you, so much as she is too caught up in all that is going on in her life.

    Try to get the two of you out of your own heads. Find a way to relax and disconnect from the everyday issues. I'm relatively certain that should help to some extent.
     
  3. lbushwalker

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    Been there done that and after 30 years we died to each other emotionally.
    Seeking marriage councelling may help but for us it did not because even tho she promised to comply with the suggestions after a short time she relapsed each time.
    I gave up and finally left and now happy elsewhere.
    This is too typical a story in Western societies.
     
    #3 lbushwalker, Oct 26, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2014
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  4. Trond

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    You don't sound like a bad husband at all. I wouldn't apologize about that DVD. People have different libidos, and that can lead to conflict in many relationships. Men usually have higher libidos than women, but in some couples it's the other way round. Looking at porn and wanking gives sexual relief. If you didn't do it, the relationship would probably be worse than it is.
     
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  5. cbrmale

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    It does seem to be a common theme in Anglo societies or Western societies. In the same circumstances I would have had a string of affairs or left her, and no ifs or buts. Probably left her because I do know that good, regular, sexual intimacy in a marriage is a pleasurable and it helps re-bond relationships, and wives who partake in good, regular sex enjoy the pleasure and closeness too. My wife's not Western so long-term ongoing sex has never been an issue for me.
     
  6. Sagittarius84

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    Don't ever think that. That is the biggest deception ever pulled on todays man, that he should somehow feel ashamed for his sexual desires. Don't fall for the guilt trip. If anything, your spouse seems to be an awsome roomate and mother, but a bit of a crappy wife. We all have stresses that affect our libidos, so why on earth would she pass up on what tends to be the best stress relief? Either shes lying to you about how good the sex is(digging her own grave), or she is content to carry your balls around until they are convenient for her. Let her know her loving husband will be right there waiting when she decides to get her shit together, but in the meantime she will have to be ok with your porn assisted wanking.
     
  7. Amature

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    I don't think you're a bad husband at all. My first wife just didn't need or want sex, at least from me. I went several YEARS without sex (although I did masturbate and look at porn, a lot!). And like the o.p., anytime I asked her about it and mentioned how long it had been, she got really pissed! But we stayed married until she passed away. My new wife (we've been together about three years now) swears that the problem wasn't me and I'm fine sexually, although due to physical problems we've never been able to have "normal" intercourse, just masturbate each other and lots of oral. And although she re-assures me constantly, I still lack self-esteem and confidence as she is quite a bit more experienced than me. And I feel as though I am cheating her out of a satisfying sex life by not being able to penetrate her with my penis. :(
     
  8. Alwayslearningsex

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    I don't think it makes you a bad husband, but hope I don't overthink, don't rely on porn too much so you don't become dependant.
    I went through that when with my ex. I wanted sex, but not with her, I was not inspired in my heart and mind.
     
  9. SOOM3030

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    Wanting/needing to have sex and to cum is a biological imperative for human beings as a species; it's what keeps us from going the way of the panda and not-breeding ourselves into extinction. It's just foolish to judge someone over what is essentially a survival instinct, that'd be like shaming a fish for staying in the water all the time - well wtf, how exactly are you supposed to solve that nonproblem?

    Knowing how long it's been since you last had sex isn't a bad thing either, that just means you aren't senile. I guarantee she knows how long it's been, or at least would if she thought about it for a moment - in my experience (not conclusive by any means) the "I didn't realize you were counting" defense is often a way to end the conversation without explaining why sex is increasingly rare. What aspect of remembering the last time you had sex with your wife makes you the bad guy? Being sexually attracted to the woman you married, or having short/long term memory (depending on the timeframe), or what? Would she not think there's anything wrong if you had no desire to have sex with her?

    None of that makes you a "bad husband". It does mean a conversation between you and her is needed, though. All relationships need good communication, so wanting/trying to talk about it wouldn't be a bad husband thing to do either.
     
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  10. PeterPan

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    In the same situation 2 years ago. We both work and we have two kids. Life is busy and much of our focus is on our children due to their young ages (8 and 4). I questioned my wife if she was happy with me numerous occasions because of the lack of time we would spent with each other and the weeks between having sex. She would say no just too tired.

    I just come out and told her I did not want to continue down this road for another decade. I was witnessing us drift apart and was wondering what kind of relationship we would have once the kids are grown and gone. I told her I could not continue the way we were living. She was scared and upset I wanted to leave her but that was not my intentions. I was unhappy and just could not continue. I was prepare to hear the possibility that she was not happy or there might have been someone she was having feeling for. I was preparing myself that it could be an answer that would lead to the end of our relationship but I was not happy and could not continue.

    Things have worked out well for us. She is happy I was truthful with her and our relationship has improved. We have taken vacations without the kids to reconnect. Relationships are a lot of efforts for all sides. You have to be honest with your wife and yourself.
     
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  11. lbushwalker

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    That is how it should be done; congratulations PP!
    Suffering in silence is not the answer.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Women have less testosterone than men and this generally equates to a lower sex drive, so women generally need some sort of sexual stimulation or sexual excitement to become sexually aroused. Being a passive husband who slides into bed in the evening and hints at sexual activity won't get you far in the long term after years and decades. Being more up-front about how much you adore your wife and how you sexually desire her will get you much further and if that's done right she will probably remain sexually active. My wife is in no doubt that I believe she's the most beautiful and sexy woman on the planet.

    In the instance above the woman was given the choice of becoming sexual or losing her husband, and clearly she had enough feelings to respond sexually when given that choice. A survey showed that women married to well-educated high income earners tended to remain more sexual which indicates these women will trade sex to keep a partner of chocie, and to keep other women away from that partner. Although this statistic may be more complex in that a university degree takes a lot of drive and ambition, and such driven men may be more sexually attractive to women regardless of their educational status.

    I have read hundreds of postings mostly from men about how they don't get sex at home anymore, and I still believe it's because their wives just aren't sexually attracted to those men.
     
  13. TonyD

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    I went through this and later found out that I was not a bad husband but a stupid one. I hope you don't
     
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  14. lbushwalker

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    I can so relate to that statement!
    Stupid in action rather than cerebrally.
     
  15. wsc

    wsc
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    Thank you for taking the time to respond...
    Peterpan...I did speak and explain I could not live in a sexless relationship when it was like that 5 yrs ago ...we do now have a sex life but it is very infrequent...I found your comments useful so thank you.
    Cbrmale...I found your comments about talking to my wife interesting as I do try. She has said she knows I love and find her sexy and says she feels the same towards me...she says she is tired and stressed a lot of the time cos of work stress, travel, and money problems plus being a mum. I do most of the house work and do what I can to support her with work (listening and talking etc.)
    I found your last comment unnecessary and unkind.
    Alwayslearning...I aint obsessed with porn...and dont use it all the time...I didnt know you could become dependant on it...sounds like a difficult situation to be in.

    I didnt want to make my original post very long and boring...but I do talk with my wife. We are sexually attracted to eachother...she has assured me off this...we have experienced periods oc no sexual contact in the past and we had an honest conversation and things changed. Life is getting in the way, we have next to no money after paying bills so weekend breaks are out of the question...I do appreciate the responses and hope I have not made my wife sound horrible as she is a great person and a lovely wife and friend
     
  16. SOOM3030

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    It sounds like it's just one of those stressful periods that happen in any long-term relationship. I'm sorry there are some difficulties for you both right now, but I'm glad to hear it's not a more serious problem!

    I hope things start improving for you both soon, and I applaud your understanding of the situation and love for each other.
     
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