Almost 29 and never kissed and not sure what to do.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by fireontheside, Apr 9, 2013.

  1. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    So...okay, I get that this forum is about actual sex, not not being able to get laid. But I don't really know what else to do, I just need to vent.

    I am going to be 29 very soon. I still have never kissed anyone, not once in my life. Obviously I've never had sex.

    I guess I really just need to vent about it. But I don't know why this happened to me. It's a pretty miserable experience, because obviously this is not what I wanted.

    I've been in love with people before, I was even in love with a friend of mine and she completely shattered my heart and it's been hard to let go.

    I've had tons of crushes on women and men that went absolutely nowhere. Nobody ever feels the same!

    I wonder if anyone else here has the same issue (I'm guessing no). It's made me really depressed and feeling hopeless and often like a freak of nature. I want to do things, but I can't because I just can't have any kind of relationship with another person.

    I also have trouble making friends so I'm guessing the two are probably related. It just feels like people don't like me very much, which I guess would explain why I'm approaching 30 with zero kisses to my credit.

    Anyway...someone is probably going to laugh at me or whatever. I was on a website for people with involuntary celibacy but I got treated like crap...a lot of people have zero respect for women going through this, especially online. A lot of men think that this only happens to men.

    I don't know if anyone's been through something similar or has any ideas ...real ideas...about how I can solve this problem. A lot of what people say isn't helpful, "Get out and meet people." I meet people and they don't want to be around me, that doesn't help. I guess people just don't understand, so they don't know how to advise.

    ...I'm not sure what anyone's going to say to this.
     
  2. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    Have you explored why maybe people don't 'like' you? Being unlikeable severly limits the availabilty of people to talk to, let along kiss and explore. I learned this myself after I dug myself out a severe depression- its very difficult for people to like someone who doesn't like them self. None of us here are psychologists, but you may hear more than once that you have to explore yourself before you can explore others. Plenty of people are introverts and prefer solitude, but to not have anyone even like you screams that you need help. Even if it is true, and no one really does like you, there's got to be a reason for it. Your feelings of hopelessness and the feeling that no one likes you could stem from an insecurity over the lack of a romantic past. I am not trying to offend or hurt feelings, and if you would like to talk more, please feel free to IM me or something. I find it hard to believe that a person could have literally no one like them.
     
  3. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    Well...I guess I should clarify ...nobody has ever been interested who I could say yes to.

    I have had a man who's been stalking me for a long time who is extremely creepy. But he is basically just a black hole in my mind, and I prefer not to think about him.

    Have people been physically attracted to me? Sure. I guess what I mean is that nobody that I want has ever been interested in a relationship.

    I do wish someone knew the real solution to this. I don't think I'm a terrible person, but I can be a little strange and withdrawn...but then again, so can many people who are not in this situation. So...it's hard to know what to do.

    I am afraid I am going to get a lot of pity and "I can't believe that" from people...and that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for how can I end this ASAP.
     
    #3 fireontheside, Apr 9, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2013
  4. Meee

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    The way to end this ASAP, of course, is to lower your standards and put out for meaningless sex with someone you don't like and probably could never like.

    The better thing to do ASAP is to start working on these issues and giving them the time they need and deserve. I'm hearing a lot of negative self talk in your posts. I'm hearing passivity and helplessness. What I'm hearing, technically, is depression. I'm going to suggest counseling. You should talk to a person who can really listen--a person who has heard all this before. And believe me, they've heard all this before. You aren't a freak of nature at all.

    Now, about the stalker. I'm hearing passivity and helplessness in that issue too. It's a significant sign of how you're approaching some of the things in your life. It's one of the signs that makes me think counseling is a good idea. A stalker is something that a person must take action on. By allowing a stalker to continue stalking you, you're letting him make you a victim. He knows he's in your mind. He knows he's something you have to try not to think about. You need to build the self-respect that will help you decide not to let someone treat you that way. Good luck.
     
  5. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    Luckily he doesn't know where to find me. It's not a big thing. As of now I haven't seen him in nearly a year and a half. He used to stalk me at my work when I worked at Walmart. It's really not as bad as it sounds. It's just that he's been bothering me on and off since freshman year of high school. I guess he's attracted to me, but obviously I don't feel the same.

    I guess you're right. I've been in counseling before, but it did nothing to help this problem. I wish I could have normal interactions/relationships like everyone else.

    The worst part is when my family asks me repeatedly why I'm not going on a date, why I'm not dating anyone, why I don't have a partner. It's difficult and I don't know what to say. Them asking about it makes it worse.

    I do feel helpless, I do feel there's nothing I can do to change this.

    I wouldn't be opposed to having "meaningless" sex if it was with someone I was attracted to, but nobody I'm attracted to is ever interested, hence this problem.
     
  6. Meee

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    I'm sorry that counseling hasn't worked in the past, though it's a good sign that you thought of going. One thing that's true about counseling is that it sometimes takes going to more than one counselor before you find a good fit. It's a common thing to do, and it's well worth the effort. Do you have a regular doctor for annual checkups and so on? Talk to your doctor for referrals to some counselors, and maybe some advice on how to work with a counselor. It's likely that your doctor has heard these kinds of concerns before as well.
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Hi Fireontheside,
    Welcome to :SF
    People here are generally supportive and won't laugh or provide glib advice......generally.
    I am with Meee on her advice as it seems to be a self esteem issue.
    I know of someone similarly afflicted who by all outward appearances is attractive, vivacious fun person yet cannot keep any man.
    At one time I was very much attracted to her and had she been more attentive it may have gone someplace but instead I ended up with her colleague much to her surprise and envy.
    In her case it is that she is too full on and guys feel trapped or cornered way too soon in the early part of any relationship.
    She also feels a social failure and even considering artificial insemination as a way of having a child to nurture.
    That is just so sad.
     
  8. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    if you've tried counselling in the past, and it didn't work, then you should try someone else. i used to go as a kid, and it never did any good. i wouldn't talk to them, not even a hello. my mom got so frustrated she just quit making me go. i needed it then, but i wasnt comfortable with any of them i met to speak. my husband and i went through marriage counselling last year, and the woman made me feel very comfortable on our first meeting, and it really helped. you also really have to be ready to accept the help they give you. if you aren't ready to listen to what they have to say, and to listen to yourself and explore your feelings of depression and helplessness, then counselling isnt going to help. i hope that you are able to find someone to talk to, because i don't think you're a hopeless case. i don't think anyone is for that matter, but i really don't think that applies to you. good luck, and i hope you are able to get to the bottom of this.
     
  9. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    I was ready to accept help; but it just didn't work. I was 100% honest in every therapy session, but it just didn't help me for whatever reason. I do realize that sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist, but I don't want to be alone in the meantime. I don't want to have no relationships.

    I also don't want to keep being a virgin. That's not how I want to live and I don't like that it feels like I'm given no choice in that. I just wonder why it seems that for everyone else, it just happens, and for me, it never does.

    I also realize this is not a forum for people who can't get laid, but rather, a place for people who can to talk about what they do. I'm sorry if this post bothers anyone, but honestly, I've tried so many forums and have yet to get real advice about how to stop being a virgin and stop never kissing anyone.
     
  10. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    Thank you.

    I think I might be worse since I can't even have a relationship in the first place.

    I have had troubled friendships in the past that didn't last, including falling for a friend and her freaking out and ending our friendship. But I've never had anything but platonic relationships (and even those are not as good as they should be).

    I am open to going back to counseling but I just need it to work this time.
     
  11. lbushwalker

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    Ok, I just wish I could be there for you.
    xxx
    Bush
     
  12. backcheck64

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    If you check, there've been numerous "virgins" on here, mostly guys though, you're not the first. As far as counseling, you could have had a bad counselor. My father was a LCSW for 50 yrs, apparently he is pretty good with good outcomes, but he had several patients come from other counselors that made no progress. Some counselors aren't properly trained, some don't have the personality, you can't always be politically correct or ultra sensative. I'd find another counselor, and check credentials. As far as friends, most don't understand my group of friends. We verbally abuse eachother, use slurs against eachother, and on occasion, racial comments, but would give eachother the shirt off our backs. I have plenty of "aquaintances", parents of my kids friends and teammates, neighbors, but very few I consider a true friend. We've had people try to breach our group but the minute you question their sexual orientaion with a word, they can't handle it. One of my best friends who passed away was black, some of the verbal and racial smack downs totally freeked people out, which was our goal, but it was all in fun, most couldn't understand that. You'll go through a bunch of aquaintances in life, but very few true friends. We've explained that to our kids and they have a lot of kids pass through but only have a couple of kids we would term friends. Don't sweat the friends thing too much.
     
  13. Cappy_Dick

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    It is good that you are open to counseling. I agree with the others that the one you saw was likely not a good for you and hence, not very helpful, even though you were cooperative. You might want to give it a try again, with someone different.

    Friend is a word that is used very loosely. Most people have very few true friends. Even that person that seems to know everyone. People tend to call everyone they are on a first name basis and converse with a "friend". are really just "pals" and "people they know". Even most of the ones that seem closer, are just "rainy day friends". Not one's you can trust and confide in. They tend to find other things to do, when the chips are down. That's when you learn who your real friends are.

    Since there have been people attracted to you, you are obviously reasonably attractive. Leaving the "stalker" out of it, I don't know why none of the others were "attractive". Physically? Mentally? Both?

    Since you say you do meet people, but not the right people, you might consider getting involved in some group activities. You'll stand a better chance of meeting like minded people, if you know they share similar interests. Even if you just make a few friends with it, you might meet some of their friends and find the right person that way.

    I kind of know how it feels. In my younger days, I was the last of my peers to loose my virginity. I know how I felt. It must be kind of like that, only worse, as you've gone a few more years than I did. It started getting really awkward, as everyone else was usually paired off. I ended up being the odd one out, or left out all together.

    I hope you find someone with a mutual attraction soon. Just remember that your first love may very well not be "the one". Most people have several relationships with before they find someone right for something long term.

    XX
     
  14. blackgene

    blackgene New Member

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    Find somebody similar to you and your habits, there are a lot of men online complaining about the same problem, so why not just get in touch with some of them, talk with them and find solutions to your problems together.

    I wish you the best!
     
  15. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    A lot of those men are NOT very nice to women. I'm not sure how else to say it. A lot of them are bitter, angry, and I can't deal with that. Nor should I have to deal with that just because I'm in the same situation. A lot of them whine about how "this only happens to men, you're lying" and that is a huge turnoff.

    A forum I used to be on contained men who told me that all I had to do to solve my problem was go out to a bar, get drunk, and go with the first dirty sleazebag who offered.

    Just a general insensitivity that I'm not interested in. Just because I'm in this situation doesn't mean I should have to settle for a horrible experience.
     
  16. dougsan

    dougsan New Member

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    Therapy will only work if you uncover the root causes of your problems and then address them. The problem, depression, etc. is the effect not the cause. From reading you it seems that you don't know why you're withdrawn, putting up fences so people can't get to know you or feel for you. A good shring or therapist should help you qualify these rather quickly.

    Also, IMO, don't go into therapy looking for cures. There are no cures. Therapy will, at its best, IMO, give you two things:

    1. A place where you can sit and fully be yourself for 55 minutes at a wack. You can expose every component of your perceived ugliness without anyone taking offence. And I guarantee once you open the spill gates and let everything out you will grow a foot with confidence

    2. A view into the real you which will give you the chance to see and understand what makes you feel bad about yourself.

    It took me a long time to get through these two steps. It will take you a long time as well. Don't stop fighting.
     
  17. lbushwalker

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    Fireontheside please just re-read how you responded to the previous poster who was only trying to be helpful with a suggestion of you teaming up with someone with similar issues.
    Personally I don't think that would work but that is just me but look at the strength of negativity you are expressing.
    Everyone here has felt empathy towards your heat wrenching plight offering you support yet not once have you acknowledged positively of anything of that always responding always in the negative. Out of interest I have read every one of your posts on SF to see if this was true and sadly that is the case.
    This is the true pattern of your life leading others to respond towards you as they do.
    I am no psychologist but it it obvious that always seeing a glass half empty is a very destructive force and how to reverse that thinking I have not the least idea but some professional might just so long as you can allow yourself that possibility.
    The world is not all black or white but a myriad of colours and there are so many things to be joyful about to balance the misery but it takes an open heart to embrace them.
    Peace.
    Bush
     
    #17 lbushwalker, Apr 12, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2013
  18. mrcock

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    I find virgin girls the sexiest

    :lol
     
  19. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    You're right, but I swear I'm not always negative. I do see good things in life, but it's just hard to live without relationships and it does bring me down. Right now the only relationships I have are with my dysfunctional and not that loving family. So life feels pretty empty right now and I'm often alone. I realize I'm being negative yet again and it probably does drive people away.
     
  20. backcheck64

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    You said this in your self description:

    Describe yourself in a few sentences. I am a strange kind of person...I act shy but I hide a lot of fire underneath. I feel sometimes that I have to hide my true self because it freaks other people out.

    We're all strange to some extent. Why hide the fire? I've always gone out of my way to shock people. The thing is, when you open yourself up, you gain attention, that leads to relationships and social interaction. You may try to "release the Kracken" and see what happens.