The relationship im in has been going on for 5 months now, everything is kind of working well allthough there is certain problems we do have. She has an eating disorder wich is sad, and i swore to her that she can talk to me whenever she needs it. And i am happy that she has opened up to me and can be there for her when she needs it. I couldnt live with myself if i couldnt. Allthough, i am also having a bit of my own emotional problems at the same time. Not the same as hers or even close to the stuff that must be going on in her mind, but i am having some. I have a really bad self esteem, and i do not understand why she even cares to be with me as i despise the way i look like. I despise my existence from time to time and i have tried to look at this problem from an other view. I snap in and out of short-time ''depressions'' or something. I hate my existence from time to time and sometimes it goes so far it feels like i just want to end it all, but i dont cus of my mother and friends, but lately is has been mainly because of her. Before i met her, things was ''better''. But now that i got her, i get hooked up with the past even more and i hate myself for thinking that i am not good enough of for her, allthough she says that she feels the same for me. Sometimes im feeling that i kind of keep her as a ''prisoner'' of freedom, the freedom to meet someone she could have a better life with, that dont have the same fucked up way of thinking that i do. I have talked to her about my feelings, but the other day she sayd that it just gets to much for her along with her illness. And i understand that, so she asked if i could let it be wich i offcourse sayd yes to. The thing with her is that she is the only person i feel i can talk to, but when my problems get to much for her i dont really know how to handle them. My past has been pretty dark, its just up until the last 5 years it has been better, and the last year has been the best year of my life, but my past is still hunting me. I am soon 20 years old, i have moved out, i do not want to get involved with any professional help as it might cause to much shit to my friends and my mother plus a couple of other things you can read in the end of thread. Me and my girl love eachother, if everything goes as we have planned we will probably be spending the rest of our days together. Considered the past to both of us and the way we are thinking i believe we will get married, get kids, get old and die together. Allthough, if this is not going as we have planned i am afraid of how i will handle it as i barely feel like being alive now and then. Right now, i am feeling great, ive done it for a couple of days, thats why i am making this thread now. Because i know that there will come days again when i am feeling worthless. I wont do anything most people consider ''stupid'', but i am hoping that you guys/girls have advices on how to deal with emotions when they get tough. I know ''talking'' is the main source of slowing them down and in the end maybe get writh of them, but the only person i can talk to cant handle it. I dont consider myself as suicidal, but i am afraid that my problems will elevate to the point that i will start hurting myself like some teenage emo-kid that grasps for attention. Allthough that is not my thing at all, i am somehow reaching that point where i dont know how to controll my actions. Do any of you got any advices or something that i should follow? Please dont mention a shrink or something. I have been to around 5 of them (i did give a couple of them honest attempts on helping me) in my earlier days, ive been been with social workers when i was a kid, special treatment in both home and school/kindergarden. I dont really believe in that system anymore, as i have actually controlled my emotions better bye myself up until now and im sick of being a part of it. What i want now, is a way of thinking, a mindstate i can follow, maybe one that i havent thought of. Something i can hold on to. I do not have problem in being social or be around people, i have alot of friends and love partyes, have an girlfriend, and i work.. But i hate everything else and myself included as you might have understood, and sometimes it starts to get serious.. So... what to do when you've tried everything else?