Advice

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by peanut, Jul 2, 2011.

  1. peanut

    peanut New Member

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    My husband and I have been swinging for 8 months now. Joined a local club and have made a few good friends for the effort. However I need some advice.

    When do the insecurities go away for him? The am I big enough, Can I perform well enough? The jealousy? We have been having some issues with this and it has made me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I let him know that he is number 1 to me and that he is more than wonderful on his own, it just doesn't seem to sink in.

    We went out last night and everything was great we were having a blast. He told me to go have fun knew who I was going to party with. I asked him 3, 4, 5 times to be sure it was ok he said yeah go have fun. So I went and well all hell broke loose after we left to come home. Most of it is because of these insecurities. We know the other couple really well and she was off on her own, but that wouldn't have mattered. The husband can be a little overbearing at times, but nothing that we've not been able to discuss and he was a perfect gentleman last night.

    I just need to know anyone elses experiences with this. I'm to the point as far as the club I could take it or leave it and we are a host couple so we are somewhat obligated but if it doesn't fix itself by the time we are to renew our yearly membership I'm suggesting we walk away. We can keep the friends we've made and talk to them on other outlets and social networks.

    Any help would be much appreciated
     
    #1 peanut, Jul 2, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2011
  2. Texas_Red

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    I'm hardly an authority on this subject, but I'm thinking based on what I've read here if you two have been into it for 8 months and he's still having issues with insecurity, then he probably wasn't 100% on-board with it to begin with, and isn't likely to let up.

    I'm also not sure on what this "the female is to be in control of the situation" business is about, as I can't see anything that isn't a shared decision ending well either. Very few facets of a relationship can really be solely up to one party or the other and work.
     
  3. peanut

    peanut New Member

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    That was a bad choice if words I agree, it has always been a shared decision on our parts.
     
  4. Kermit

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    The best person to talk to on swinging is Awakened, she's been doing it for a while and can offer up some good advice
     
  5. cbrmale

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    There are sexual expectations on men, and this is made all the more complex by having sex with a new partner, such as in swinging. Most men have insecurities about size, and this is made worse by the physical view we have of our penises. When we look down at ourself we always looks smaller than looking directly at another penis. Not only that, in a large group there will always be one or two men who are clearly larger. I won't argue that bigger isn't good, but it's only one ingredient in good sex and there are many other ingredients beyond cock size that make sex good for women, as you well know.

    The other issue with group sex or swinging is to satisfy your woman partner. Any man can satisify his wife or long-term girlfriend with practice, but learning another partner first up for once-off sex is quite hard. And if you don't satisfy her or you think she was faking, it feels rather empty. You may well have satisified her, because all women orgasm differently, some loudly and some quietly. Experience helps here: to quickly pick-up from her body language what she likes and what she doesn't and how to pleasure her and the signs that show that she actually came. This does come with practice, and it's all about following her lead and letting her body's movements and responses guide you.

    To be honest, to do swinging or any other form of casual sex you do need to be quie experienced, very confident about your abilities, and thick-skinned in case you and your partner do not work out well together, for whatever reason. If you can get your head around that it wasn't meant to be fantastic with her, or for her with you, then it will be okay for next time.

    It sounds like he lacks confidene, he probably lacks experience, and he has sexual insecurities. Not a good combination, I'm afraid. He's better off with monogamy, unless he can take on board some of the comments I have made. If he relaxes and goes with the flow, with experience it will get easier.
     
  6. Meee

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    I don't know anything about swinging, but I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be insecure about it. There's a very big BUT in the things you say to him. "You are number one to me, BUT..." But there's still a number two, and three, and four. "You are more than wonderful on your own, BUT..." But there's a number two and three and four anyway. "Wonderful" is looking like it doesn't mean "enough." What logic is he supposed to use to get from your explanations to a feeling of security?
     
  7. pbs

    pbs
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    Could it be that he really doesn't want you fucking other guys, but doesn't want to deny you what you want at the same time? If this is a conflict within himself, you could lose him.
     
  8. peanut

    peanut New Member

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    Thank you all for your advice everyone. Turns out he set this all up so he could have some free time with a highschool sweetheart. So from the beginning it was all a farce on his part. I am obligated to work as host for 2 more parties at the club then whatever he wants to do fine, I'm done with it. It's sad that We've made so many friends and such, but hey I can keep them nothing says I can't talk to them have them on facebook or whatever. It's just not worth me being set up to fail and getting the backlash for it. He set it up, I started to relax and have fun with it and it came back to bite me. I knew when he decided to try this with his controlling nature it wasn't going to work for long. Just when it all came to be I figured ok I'll call your bluff. If nothing else it has boosted our communication skills which is a very good thing.
     
  9. Texas_Red

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    A ruse so he could go behind your back? Not good.
     
  10. uncutpete

    uncutpete New Member

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    Swinging can be great for a couple -- but the words that you use, "his controlling nature" doom the whole thing. If you are going beyond monogamous sex, he has to be open to you having freedom to explore. Either of you may feel jealous but you must be able to talk it out and get past it, otherwise it doesn't work. I have been having sex with couples for a long time. Believe me, a controlling husband can spoil everything. It can also spoil a monogamous marriage. I would really suggest some counseling so he can hear what you feel about him trying to have too much power over you.