Advice Wanted!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

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    Forgive the super long post before the question, but I think it's important for full context of the situation...

    One of my co-workers and I have become quite good friends both at work and outside of work over the past few months. At first we were hesitant to even be seen passing each other on the sidewalk outside of a work setting because she is (1) my direct supervisor, (2) 11 years older than me, (3) married with 5 kids, and (4) her husband works out of town a lot for extended periods of time and people love to gossip around here.

    So, this Monday was a night we both had off. Her husband was out of town, The Lady was working, all our other friends were unavailable, and we both felt like having a real person to interact with in real life so we met up for drinks. About thirty minutes and a drink or two in she, out of nowhere, started talking about how (sexually) frustrated she was, how frequently she was masturbating, her husband’s inattentiveness to her sexual needs, and kept asking me questions about my habits/sex life. I answered not really thinking too much of it. She and I are friends, right - so what’s the harm? I masturbate, I have sex, my situation is frustrating at the moment, why lie about it or cover it up? I did, however, keep stressing the importance of talking to your partner about “these sorts of things.”

    Then she says, “You know [my husband] is jealous of you, right?”

    Instant, “Oh shit!” moment in my head - mostly out of self preservation instincts; the dude could eat me alive if he wanted to. So I tried to laugh it off and said something close to, “Yeah, right! Because I’m such a threat to him. There’s no way he thinks you and I are up to anything! Forget it - he’s just doing the stereotypical territorial guy thing.” To which she shrugged and said, “If I were going to…” trailed off - and I pretended that I never heard that comment or saw the little shrug...

    Tuesday night rolls around. I get a random text message around 1:45AM. It’s from her saying she can’t sleep and she wants someone to talk to. Okay - innocent enough - so I ask “What did you want to talk about then?” She just launches right back into it! I get a 5 page text on all the stuff I mentioned above with the added fact that she’s been surfing “casual encounter,” webcam, and porn sites. I made it a point this time to say that she needed to talk to her husband about all this; not me. She brushed it off with a "Yeah, I know" and then went right back to it. I said the conversation was making me feel uncomfortable. She kept messaging anyway. So I stopped replying. She kept sending messages, though, getting a lot more lewd and “inappropriate” as things went on - detailing what she was looking at and how it was making her feel in the moment. When she started talking about what she was doing aside from just looking at "adult" stuff (i.e. telling me she was touching herself; she "just had to") I finally broke down and turned off my phone. (To answer why I kept checking my texts: occasionally we are contacted by one of the program managers and so have to be accessible at all times when on shift; I didn't want to accidentally ignore one of the Big Bosses.)

    When I turned my phone a few hours later I deleted all the messages in my inbox without checking them...

    Next time we ran into each other (at work) she asked if I'd gotten all the messages she sent. I lied and said no - they must not have sent or maybe one of our phones was acting up. She just kind of gave me a funny look (like she knew I was lying) and then we went about business as usual. No mention of the past few days because it wasn't the topic of conversation. Despite that it was very tense and awkward (for me at least).

    After all that: I don’t know what to do here! I'm almost 100% certain that all that stuff will get brought up again. I haven’t yet mentioned any of this recent development to The Lady (but I do plan to, for the record), but I’m not sure how to properly handle this. Also please forgive if this sounds like some crazy adolescent fantasy - I swear this is all legitimate.

    What advice can anyone out there give me on this?
     
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  2. backcheck64

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    I'd contact the HR department. If you're uncomfortable with it, and I would be, they need to know before shit blows up.
     
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  3. HotForHoney

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    Don't go fishing off the company pier. Don't get involved with a married woman.
     
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  4. Amature

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    I would have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her that although you're flattered by her obvious interest in you, that you don't want anything more than friendship- and not the kind of friendship she is expecting of you. Explain to her that she's married and you don't think the workplace and romance or sex would mix. I would also tell her that although you can be friends, you don't feel comfortable discussing her sex life (or lack of). If that doesn't work, then I would talk to human resources. Once you bring them into the equation though, you're friendship is definitely finished I would imagine. And that might be the best too.
     
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  5. AGFUNK

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    You should have saved the messages in case you needed it for the hr department. That's not ok. Tell her straight out that you are uncomfortable and really not interested but put it gently. I say keep the messages in case she retaliates.
     
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  6. Davidiscurious

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    As a
    As a manager, I would be careful here. If she is your direct supervisor, you need to contact HR now. We are going through a lawsuit on this very thing at the moment.

    I had an admin a while back that came on to me. She was divorced, so no angry husband. In a way I wish I would have done something, but I would have lost my job. She was hot, but not worth that.
     
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  7. Redline1

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    Two words...... Steer Clear!!!!! Be nice but don't be TOO nice. By you just being the nice guy could end up in a world of shit!!! I learned a long time ago that you can't have the casual convo about sex with female friends... Period!!! Just my .02
     
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  8. 10_3XL

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    Thanks all for the input! This has been and still is very tough because this co-worker is a legitimate friend outside of the workplace and I do not want to lose one of the few real world friendships that I have! Don't want to be The Bad Guy, can't be The Nice Guy... oy vey!

    I'm torn between the choices of actions to take: trying further with the "just ignore it" strategy, talking on the issue directly with her (no HR), going straight on and bringing HR into it...

    And for the record, I would never betray The Lady by cheating with another woman - ESPECIALLY a married woman. I owe her too much for all that she has done/continues to do for me on all fronts of life. (And yes, The Lady does know about me on here and how I behave on here - she and I talked at great length about it and she accepts it; even considering maybe signing up herself ;))
     
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  9. lbushwalker

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    'Stralia Mate!
    Dude this dame is fucking dangerous. She has your balls and will squeeze hard.
    You are in a no win situation caught in a dead end street.
    You are going to lose your job over this and your so called friend has already stepped over the line to remain one.
    I would get the fuck out while you still can with all your tackle intact and put it down to experience.
     
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  10. 10_3XL

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    Yes, it is indeed a royal clusterfuck of a situation... and not the good kind of clusterfuck either!

    I'd like all to know that it is being resolved. Have set a time and neutral (and public) place to have the open talk about the situation with her. Will be contacting HR no matter what - I need to get the first word in and cover my own ass! It upsets me that it has to go this way, but as you have all pointed out there is really no alternative. :(
     
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  11. sandwich

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    Yikes! This is a very awkward and uncomfortable situation. If you are in your twenties, that would put her in her thirties, which some say is the horniest of all decades for women. So if she is married and not satisfied, watch out! I have no advice any better than what has been offered, but I wish you well.
     
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  12. 10_3XL

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    Yes, I am 24 and she is 35... "the horniest of all decades for women" I had never heard that said, but I'd believe it.
     
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  13. backcheck64

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    Actually, it's the 40s. She's just ramping up... and with her husband gone a lot... CALL HR. She can get you fired in a sec with a sexual harassment claim, get it on record first.
     
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  14. JonJo

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    Mate, you really are already 'deep in it'.
    Forget friendship - that's gone.
    Forget the 'open talk' - you are just perpetuating things and that could weigh against you.
    GET TO HR - NOW !!!!!!!!
    NO IFs or BUTs - DO IT!!!!!!!
    And the best of luck, not trying to frighten, just advising and warning - you're going to need it.
     
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  15. 10_3XL

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    That is actually the first thing I am doing this morning when HR will be in at the office. Wish I had not deleted all of the texts I had received, but hindsight is 20/20... I'm really hoping that this resolves without more damage than is inevitable. o_O
     
  16. JonJo

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    If it comes to a law suit those texts might be retrievable.
    And does she know you've deleted them?
    No harm in letting her think/know that they haven't, deviousness is sometimes allowed - remember "alls fair in love and war" and this could turn out to be 'war'.
    This is not the time to be the 'nice guy' - go out of character - another saying to remember in times like this "the best method of defence is attack"
     
  17. 10_3XL

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    The messages have diplomatically remained unmentioned - as far as she knows I still have all of them.
    I hope to avoid a lawsuit, but at this point anything is possible. Just hoping that if there is any blowback on me that it is minor.
    And I'm putting on "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper right now to get myself in the right mindset. :)
     
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  18. xeniadraven

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    Good luck with this! No advice other than get your ass to HR pronto!!
     
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  19. HotForHoney

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    Good luck!!!
     
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  20. AGFUNK

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    Hope it all goes well for you.