Advice needed - my wife thinks having me lick my cum off her is gay!

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by sgman, Apr 12, 2008.

  1. sgman

    sgman New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    My wife and I were watching some porn where this guy came on the woman’s boobs, after which she strongly/lovingly “suggested” he clean up his mess, which he did by licking it up. It was deliciously wicked to me and a huge turn on to say the LEAST. I would love it for my wife to desire that…or at least try it. Anyway, she said that’s “So gay!” :-(

    I can’t remember being so turned on by something in a long time and I really want to incorporate something like that (ok…exactly that!) into our sex life. At least once in a while. I would love some advice in two areas.

    1. I’m curious as to why this is such a major turn on to me. Any thoughts?

    2. Any advice on how I can talk to my wife and get her to understand (truly understand) that this desire has noting to do with being gay or having gay desires. I ** think ** it has more to do with female-power play then anything else. Don’t get me wrong, It’s great if you’re gay, but I’m just not. I really want to do this and see how it feels. I love my wife and would love for her to belive there could be more then one reason for somthing like this. Perhaps we could both enjoy it.

    Thanks all!!!
     
    #1 sgman, Apr 12, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2008
  2. evman

    evman New Member

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    Well not everyone is into everything. I don't know why some things turn me on while other things don't. The reason that it may turn you on so much is that it's something different and out of the ordinary. I like it when my wife "orders" to lick my cum off of her though my doing it doesn't turn her on. She had told me to do it only because I asked her to before I came. She's not into it (and truthfully after I cum I'm not as into it as I was before I came) so it's not something that we do. It turns me on to have a woman tell me what to do. Not in a dominant sort of way but more like a "this is want I want" kind of way. It's like having a woman look you in the eye and saying "Fuck me!"

    It may be that you can talk your wife into trying it. She may like it or she may not but at least you will both have the satisfaction of saying that you at least tried it. My belief is that if she is not turned on by it now she won't be in the future but you never know.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Dreama

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    Perhaps you need to talk to your wife about it. Ask her why she thinks it is gay to taste your own juices? There is nothing gay about that. Maybe if you talked with her about this, she might see that it isn't homosexual. However, chances are she just doesn't want to do it and is making excuses to not do it. If that's the case, you can't change that. However, if it's female power play that turns you on, why not talk to her about that? I'm sure she won't think that is 'gay'.
     
  4. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Seems a bit weird to me!
     
  5. Amateur Nudist

    Amateur Nudist New Member

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    I have the same turn ons about cleaning up my wife after I've cum all over her. I brought the idea up to her one night and she seemed to think the whole idea was gross. I still haven't given it a try but I think one of these days I'll pull out during doggy and cum all over her ass and small of her back. That way I can just lean over and do it and see what happens :)
     
  6. Bluesy

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    Only nag her about it if you don't have any qualms with destroying emotional intimacy. When you bug a woman to try something she isn't comfortable with, the message you're sending is, "Fulfilling my desires is more important to me than your feelings, and I am a selfish bastard who will not hesitate to put my desires ahead of your feelings." Send the message that you don't fully respect her feelings and you've started hammering nails into the coffin in which your sex life may someday reside...healthy emotional intimacy is a precursor to healthy sexual intimacy for (most) women.

    Dreama is right on, you should discuss it with her, and broach the subject in a no-pressure, non-judgmental, caring and considerate manner for best results. Perhaps you could put it into perspective...Has she ever sucked your cock after you've vaginally penetrated her? Has she ever kissed you after you've gone down on her? If she's tasted her own juices and is comfortable with her sexual orientation, then maybe that will help her better understand that sharing sexual fluids doesn't make anyone homosexual.

    You could also explain your motivations for wanting to do it (ask her if she'd be willing to set aside preconceived judgments and hear you out for the moment). This may entail spending a little time thinking about why the activity appeals to you; the more detailed your explanation, the better. Finally, ask her if rather than wholesale condemnation of the activity, if she could please take some time--this is very important: however long she needs--to think it over, and to let you know if she changes her mind about trying it in the future. Ask her to promise to tell you if she changes her mind. Some women will refuse to even think it over if they feel pressured--it's a knee-jerk defense mechanism. Oftentimes people will sense the manipulation, it will seem like you're trying to control their behavior, whenever you attempt to coax them into doing something (for good reason, it is controlling), and this raises alarms deep in the psyche (it does if you're a psychologically healthy person, at any rate), and feeling threatened will cause a person to want to defend themselves. She may outright condemn the activity as "gross" if she feels threatened/pressured, whereas she may give it some consideration, at least remain open to the possibility of wanting to do it someday, if she doesn't feel pressured.

    It's all in the approach. The respectful approach is not only more likely to get results, it's also going to prevent bad feelings (like resentment, if she gives in just to oblige you) from occurring and preserve emotional intimacy.

    Good luck to you.
     
    #6 Bluesy, Apr 13, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2008
  7. sgman

    sgman New Member

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    Thanks Bluesy..."sort of"

    Thanks for the feedback. Seriously, I'm always grateful to anyone who cares enough to offer any help to me. Having said that however, I think some of you may have your own preconceived notions about what I was asking and how I was about to handle it. I really don't think a 100 word paragraph lecture on "not nagging and pressuring my wife" was needed. Who said anything about nagging or pressuring my wife? The advice was totaly sound...but sorry, just not needed :)

    Regarding my wife, clearly, I was only asking about ways I may be able to help my wife believe the desire has noting to do with being gay, which is one of the stumbling blocks in our way. I have NO problem not being able to try that if it's something she's against. I do have a problem if the only reason she's against it if it's because she think it's gay of me. I'm also aware of all possible scapegoat issues but I can assure you, she actually does think it's gay (as in homosexual).

    Having said that, I was happy to see Bluesy put her two cents in but not in the way I hoped. I know Bluesy is one of people in here that also enjoys this kind of thing so I thought she may be able to provide one (of many possible perspectives, I know) female perspective on why this is a turn on. I thought that might help me understand it better myself, and therefore be better able to help my wife understand me regarding this. I also thought I might show her the thread so she can read first hand what others think of the subject.

    Bluesy, if you'd be so kind as to provide some insight into that in a way that's totally honest, perhaps it may help my wife and I both to better understand things so we can move forward...or not...for the right reasons.

    Thanks again everybody!
     
  8. Dreama

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    Nobody said you were nagging your wife. But you've got to put things into perspective. Many men come on the forums, looking for ways to make or trick their wives into doing things they aren't inclined to do. People always suggest being respectful and loving to the lady in their lives in case they don't know already, as a precautionary measure. So, really, you asked for advice, and you got it. Next time, give more information. How did anyone know you didn't nag or pressure your wife to try it? We don't. Tell us next time, man. My goodness!
     
  9. Bluesy

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    We get so many "How do I talk my wife/gf/SO into doing this?" type of threads, I guess I'm now posting on auto pilot :eyes No offense meant, hon. 'Twas nothing personal, I promise.

    Not to mention, sometimes "precautionary measures" (as Dreama stated below) come in handy.

    This is probably very difficult for a guy to relate to...if you discovered that your wife had "lesbian tendencies", it probably wouldn't bother you; in fact, it might even excite you (and before you jump to conclusions, I'm not in any way associating shared sexual fluids with bisexuality). Women sometimes feel threatened by the prospect of homosexual leanings in their guy. I can't explain it very well, but there seems to be an irrational fear that a woman will never be "enough" for him and he'll commit adultery, to disappointment in having to reevaluate whether or not he's still "manly" enough for her (gay male homophobia is still a very deeply entrenched evil in our culture). Unfortunately, anything that seems remotely gay can compromise a man's virility in some women's eyes (you can blame hundreds of years of Judeo-Christian brainwashing for that).

    What I'm getting at is that while you and I both know that licking cum off of a woman's body is no indicator of sexual orientation, there is that implicit line of thinking: Gay men give BJs, gay men swallow cum...if my partner wants to have anything to do with cum, that must mean he's gay and craving sex with a man! (Or, he isn't straight and is craving sex with a man.) That's not a correlation that is easily overcome. If the two of you watch more hetero porn in the future where this activity is incorporated, that would be a good way to combat the stereotype.

    Why it's a turn-on for me...that visual of a man "cleaning up his mess" (or sharing a snowball) is incredibly romantic to me (it's the grandest gesture a man can make as far as clean-up goes...it's that personal touch that makes it so sweet), and sharing sexual fluids just adds an extra element of intimacy. It's a turn-on because you're turning a typically one-sided activity (cum swallowing) into a mutual experience. Why does it turn a guy on when a woman swallows? It's a gesture of acceptance...well, it kinda spoils things when a guy thinks his cum is good enough for his partner but not good enough for him :ugh When he demonstrates his acceptance of his own sexual fluids, it reinforces the idea that it is truly something special. It becomes a bonding activity. And there's something very maternal about snowballing cum to a guy...offering something special to someone you love. I guess you could think of it as an "offering", and one that is best shared, IMO ;)

    Don't know if I explained that very well or if it will help the cause, but there you have it.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    I don't think it's gay for a man to lick his own jizz off of me, but I do think it's a bit nasty and have never had a man do it. Snowballing grosses me out to no end, but I've never done that either. I guess cum isn't all that special to me. Yes, I swallow, but I don't think there's anything "romantic" about it or injesting it.

    Different strokes for different folks, I guess. :)
     
  11. Bluesy

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    Geez, you have no romance in your soul, CL :p :eyes The potential for creating new life resides in that creamy little package of man goo...that deserves at least a little reverence, no?


    ;)
     
  12. Barbwire

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    My old man's spunk is swimmer free, so no, it's not worthy of worship. :lol
     
  13. Bluesy

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    Ooh, I've heard that sperm-free tastes great (and is less filling). Any truth to the rumor?
     
  14. sgman

    sgman New Member

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    Hey Bluesy,

    That's the relevant (and because of it, helpful) information I knew you could provide...you know, after you tried to warn me against trying for manipulate my wife into doing what I like "because I'm a typical jerk and It's all about me"

    haha...but all kidding aside, thanks, I really mean that.

    Not being a moderator and only visiting once in a while, I was not aware you get a lot of guys here with that self-centered "prick-like" point of view. As an officiall member of the male sex however, I can't say I'm surprised to hear that. So, considering it all, sure I can understand you posting on auto pilot a little. Anyway, "nuff said" as they say.

    Thanks for taking the time to explain why you like that act. I'd like my wife to read this all. I think it may help us understand each other a bit better and that's always a good thing. As mentioned in my post, I DO want to talk to my wife and I'm trying but I think she may be less nervous and defensive reading about my thoughts third-party style. More specifically about your thoughts Bluesy, it's like you took the words right out of my mouth, right down to the romance, intimacy, acceptance gesture, etc... The funny thing is that licking my cum from my wife's pussy and especially off her boobs and neck, is insanely erotic but snowballing is about the most gross thing to me :) Go figure!?!?

    It's actually leading me to an interesting point though. If my wife told me that snowballing would really turn her on, I would do it every now and then, and I imagine, I may even learn to enjoy it. (and believe me, it's hard for me to imagine). More specifically, I would not mind a little pressure (A LITTLE) from her for me to do things I may not want to at first or even from time to time. I'll be the first to admit there are a lot of things, both sexually and otherwise, that I once hated or even looked down upon, but now truly enjoy. I am so grateful I had a SO in my past that gently and lovingly helped me to push through what turned out to be some useless limits. Obviously, not every limit is useless. Some are there to protect us from some real emotional damage but there should be some moderation and balance too. We need to trust our SO's know us and have our best interest in mind. Life is sweeter that way for sure. Obviously, this depends on your SO actually being a great person, I'll admit.

    All this talk of "respecting boundaries" makes me realize that having BLIND respect for all boundaries can have the potential to be quite problematic too, in it's own way. I have no time tonight, but perhaps I start a new post soon titled "Beware the BLIND respect of boundaries - Both your own and your partners". I'm sure I'll take a beating or two (perhaps from you Bluesy :)) but I'll risk it for the sake of personal growth and truth ;-) Besides this is fun and informative!

    :D
     
  15. Bluesy

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    If your wife is up for reading this thread, I imagine it would be pretty edifying. In fact, I'd kinda had the thought that it would be nice if she was interested in learning more...and what a great way to open the channels of communication about sexual topics, sharing things you've read on the net about them :)

    Some people don't mind a little pressure...from what you stated earlier about your desire to engage in submissive play, to be "bossed around" a bit, that doesn't surprise me in the least. Some people want to be directed in bed, even if there's some resistance on their part in the beginning, the process of being firmly guided by someone who's in control, instructed in what to do, even, can be deeply satisfying on an unconscious level. With that in mind, I hope you'll understand that this is a...whatever you want to call it...sexual personality trait?...that may not be shared by your wife. It could be that a little pressure would have the opposite effect on her and facilitate resentment, instead. This is how the "average" human psyche responds (if people have spent their formative years learning that they're allowed to have boundaries and it's normal to expect people to respect them...this doesn't always happen in dysfunctional families, alas). Personally speaking, I had to learn that it was Ok to have boundaries because I grew up in a dysfunctional home, so they're something I guard closely...I now realize that a person who truly respects me will take my feelings into consideration, that they will treat them like a valuable treasure, that they will put those feelings ahead of something as trivial as sexual gratification. Who doesn't want to know that their feelings are more important to their spouse than a sexual activity? I sure want to know that I rank higher on the priority scale. Just saying.

    What I said about "wholesale condemnation" earlier...there's nothing wrong with asking a person to at least keep an open mind (so long as they're aware that they have the freedom to make that decision in a pressure-free environment, including the freedom to never be OK with a particular act). People sometimes do change their mind about things in their own time. I know I sure have! I never say "no way, Jose'" to anything (unless I have damn good reason)...I leave the door open to the possibility that I may someday want to try something that is beyond my present comfort level. Two years ago I thought water sports were shockingly disgusting and it's something I never would've tried at that point in time. Today, I still think it's weird as hell, and I don't know how I would feel in that situation, but it's something I'd be willing to try. People undergo their own sexual metamorphoses all the time. Life is fluid, personality, values, interests are fluid...you have to go with the flow ;) Conversely, you can't force the flow to change direction...it has to happen naturally for an activity/decision/relationship/etc. to be authentically right for a person.
     
    #15 Bluesy, Apr 15, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2008
  16. sgman

    sgman New Member

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    Well Bluesy, I could not agree more with just about everything, although I would like to expand on something. Not everyone reacts to the same ill upbringing in the same way. Take physical (but not sexual) child abuse. There's a shockingly high percentage of kids who grow up to repeat the very same abuse they hated. Some however, do resist the dreadful urge to return to their subconscious comfort zone and walk 180 degrees in the other direction. Even more interesting, my wife lies in both camps in the following way:

    She was abused (but not sexually) by her dad and went without any protection from her mom ("look what you made your dad do!). Very sad. As a mother herself, she has not once raised a hand to our kids and the thought of doing so would make her throw up. Conversely, she was also emotionally abused however, and this in fact, is something she struggles with repeating on a VERY VERY low level every day. She learned that all good people will turn on her so forcing a fight is less scary then waiting to be surprised by one. Quite common. More to our original point, she had her boundaries crossed by her parents every day. She's 40 and her parents still cross our boundaries. They're very insecure and it's a way for them to prove to themselves they're still worthy of controlling others. Sweet :)

    My point is that my wife is now constantly in fear that her boundaries will again be crossed and her loved ones will betray her. On this alone, I should put absolutely ZERO pressure on her to do anything she's not 100% on board with. That is actually an overly simplistic reaction and not completly in her best interest. (for her, not everyone, I know). Here's why; She's well aware that many of her boundaries and the fears that go with them are left over remnants of a time when she truly needed to protect herself. She now relies on her common sense, a good therapist and her husband to help her separate what boundaries and fears are still just and what she should try and work though to help her enjoy a more fulfilling and honest life. It just NEEDS to be done with love, without judgment and at a VERY slow speed. You also need to know when to completly back off and always discus things openly all the time.

    I can tell you it can be a fine line and one that can backfire from time to time but over the long haul, she's definitely making progress that she's proud of. She's come a long way and feels a lot better about herself then she used to. I'm proud of her too.

    p.s. What's with the spamers on here the last few days? I wish I belived in hell so I could imagine a special place for spammers there
     
  17. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    You are a good man sgman:bow
     
  18. Bluesy

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    Ah, and now we come full circle. Brace yourself, SG, there's a hard ass reality check coming your way.

    No matter how irrational or self-defeating you believe her sexual limits to be, it is still her mind, it is her body, and she has a right to self-ownership of those opinions and that body. I wonder why you think your sexual ideology is better than hers, anyway. Why do your opinions have more value than hers?

    Will you try to change her political affiliation next because you disagree with it? Her religion? Her choice of breakfast cereal? Because you think she ought to vote the same way you do, believe in the same things you do, like the same cereals you do? Where does it stop, hon? Why not try to change every aspect of her personality, her preferences and hobbies, vocation and favorite color, until she more closely resembles your Ideal Wife? Because that's precisely what you're trying to do to her sexuality...you're trying to mold her into your Ideal Lover. If you truly respect her right to be an individual, even in the bedroom, you'll let her figure these things out for herself, you'll give her room to set her own limits.

    Now let's talk about her therapy. It is a therapist's job--an objective source--to help a client identify needs and fears, and assist them in dealing with needs/fears/etc. constructively, in a way that respects the client's belief and value systems. There is not a therapist alive who will tell you that it is acceptable for a spouse to assume this role. And for darn good reason.

    You are not her sex therapist...you do not have the right to "assess" her needs, develop a treatment plan, and work with her to overcome those "self-limiting inhibitions" that are hindering your ability to have the sort of sex life you want. All I see in your post is justification for using manipulative means to achieve a selfish goal. And the end never justifies the means...never. I was pressured into having sex for the first time. I was pressured into performing my first blow-job. So I love sexual intercourse and BJs now, the point is, I wasn't ready at that time. If only I knew then what I know now, you know?

    Point is...you are taking advantage of a woman who has poor boundary control (according to you). But if you're Ok with that...
     
    #18 Bluesy, Apr 16, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2008
  19. sgman

    sgman New Member

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    Yes...full circle indeed Bluesy, except the the only one in dire need of a reality check is you.

    "Reality", as you claim, is the last thing "coming my way" (as you put it). What you did send my way however was a serious dose of misguided heavy-handed judgment based on more of your preconceived notions AND some extremely bizarre, RUDE and most importantly, BASELESS accusations.

    I REALLY have enjoyed many of your posts in the past but you appear to have "gone off the meds" as they say on this one...WOW.

    More to the point, after reading your post, which by the way, is chock full of baseless accusations, colossal assumptions and flat-out incorrect statements, I have lost a whole lot of respect for you're ability to deliver useful information to the readers of this forum (not all the time, mind you). The funny thing is that you'll predictably assume I feel this way, simply because your views are not mine....How simplistic of you to justify your accusatory reply. Some people are open minded and seek the truth yet others, like you want to believe something, and so set out justify that belief at all cost to logic and common sense.

    1. I NEVER said my sexual ideology is better than hers nor did I imply it. Oh how you appear to take pleasure from believing it's so however. I said she relied on me (in part) to help her get past some things SHE wants to get past. This is HER request and things we've been talking about together in therapy...Oh I'm sorry, how self centered of me not to notice you're on the couch with us every week. My bad!

    2. As far as your comical (in a bad way) paragraph loaded with silly analogies...They make no sense at all. For one thing, I NEVER said or implied I wanted to change her to think more like me. Again, SHE WANTS to get past some very specific things and asks for my help to work with her. What about that is so hard for you to understand. I'm so sorry some jerk pressured you into some stuff when you were younger...but that was not me!
    Who are YOU to tell her who she can ask for help with things? This brings us to next silly thing you said

    3. Therapy...Wow, are your wrong about some therapists. Please forgive me for assuming you did not survey 254,002 therapists in the USA. Again, Are you trying to come of as uneducated and ignorant, because you are. Let's say all 3 of us have been in therapy before. Just because YOUR therapists did not do something does not mean others don't or that it's wrong. You say "There is not a therapist alive who will tell you that it is acceptable for a spouse to assume this role" Are you kidding me? It's not about a therapist asking ME to be the therapist. That's crazy and not what I said at all. My wife and I have been in sessions together many times and our therapist HAS in fact, given us plenty of exercises to do as well help educate us in better ways to communicate to help each other reach our goals. You are really good ad adding 2 and 2 and getting 4 , or 6 or 10, or whatever else you want to believe 2 & 2 equal.

    4. Finally, your accusation "you are taking advantage of a woman who has poor boundary control (according to you)." Is baseless and insulting. If anyone is taking advantage of anyone here...it's you. It should be obvious to all readers that YOU occasionally take advantage of some posters to vent the giant volcano that's still brewing from your own damaged past. Why don't you do me (and others) a favor and check just a small portion of what sounds like the largest set of personal baggage ever at the door before you fire off your judgmental machine gun?

    I have respected many of your posts before but you've jumped off the deep end on this one...with your now famous axe to grind in hand. My point, by the way, about your obvious preconceived judgments were self evident from the start. Remember... When I asked quite specificially if anyone could help me, help my wife UNDERSTAND that MY desire to do something specific did not mean that it had to do with being gay..... And in classic form, you shot back AS IF I asked for help in forcing my wife to do as I wished...and with a cold hearted disregard for her own feelings.

    I'm not sure what your day job is Bluesy, but if it's not in the professional judgment and conclusion jumping business, you've really missed your calling. I believe your intentions are good, but you know what they say about what the pavement on the the road to hell is made of, right?

    Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in reaching your goal of placing a single neat and narrow handle on all men who write in for help about any situation with their wives' that's less then satisfying. It's simply wonderful and your off to a great start.

    Is there anyone out there who agrees with me on this? (Contrary to Bluesy's post, I do welcome all thoughts on this, even if they differ from my own and for what's it's worth, you are free to choose your own breakfast cereal and political party. Please!

    Sgman
     
    #19 sgman, Apr 16, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2008
  20. Bluesy

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    SG, if I misconstrued your previous post, I am truly sorry. It seemed in direct contrast with what you'd said earlier, and I had an "OH GOODY, here we go again!" moment...and I have a particularly bitter disdain for hypocrites. This is what I'm referring to:

    To my mind, the logical inference here is that if you "SHOULD put zero pressure" on her to do something she isn't Ok with, that you are, at least some of the time, pressuring her to do things she is not Ok with (or things she hasn't sought your assistance with). Does that make sense? Why use the qualifier "should" if you're solely working with her to push beyond those boundaries she's explicitly enlisted your aid in dealing with? That's what threw me. The above statement appears to contradict what you said in your latest post about working with her on those boundaries she, with her therapist's guidance, has identified as self-limiting.

    It just seems an awful lot like you've changed your tune there, and surely you can see why that is.

    Let's take two people, Sam and Mary. If Sam pressures Mary to do something she doesn't want to do, the implication is that Mary's sexual values/precepts are inferior and she should acquiesce out of deference to his superior sexual ideology. I mean, if you press someone to do something because you think it's reasonable, what are you saying? You're saying that the values/precepts upon which their personal construct of sexuality is based are unreasonable. They are wrong for feeling the way they do and you are right. In a truly egalitarian relationship, both viewpoints are recognized as equally valid, different, but valid.

    Hold up a sec. According to this:

    You didn't say, "She relies on her common sense and a good therapist to help her separate what boundaries and fears are still just and what she should try to work through, AND THEN she enlists the aid of her husband to help her execute these goals." The implication, if your sentence is interpreted literally, that you're playing the role of therapist to a degree by helping her figure out what's relevant and what should be tossed. See, that is not a role a spouse should have because you have a vested interest in which goals are kept and which are trashed. Your biases and wishes may seep into and taint your judgment. You may unconsciously influence her to make decisions that are not in her best interest. The impartial and qualified party, the one who doesn't stand to benefit from her therapeutic objectives, is the only one who gets that job.

    But maybe the wording was kinda wonky and I misunderstood. *shrugs* I apologize if this is the case. First you express similar contempt for "self-centered pricks", and then...well, then you say a few things that give the appearance of being authored by someone who possesses that very mentality. So, again, please forgive me if I've misconstrued a few things.