Advice for a friend?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Red-Dragon, Sep 11, 2008.

  1. Red-Dragon

    Red-Dragon New Member

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    I wasn't sure where to post this, so I decided to post it here. If any of you mods have any better place to put this in, I'd appreciate it. Well, I have a friend with a bit of a problem. I asked her to tell me her exact problem so I'd try and help her out. She has had a lot of abuse in her life as well, I'm gonna post this conversation. Yes, she told me this through MSN, and its pretty much true.

    I am just seeking advice to give too her really, she didn't really wanna ask her self. So I'm basically asking in proxy. Basically, I'd like some advice on helping her get over this. It is a bit long though, hope you don't mind the read?

    ? says:
    Back to the beginning then from where I can remember. There was my mother's first boyfriend who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. For one, I was pretty much extra baggage in his view. His kids, except for the oldest boy who would tease me now and again, but wasn't horrible about it, would treat me horribly. The girl would actually steal things of mine and he certainly gave them more attention-
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    then I got. I had a dog that I'd been giving by my grandmother and raised from a pup that he went and gave away to a complete random stranger with me only being told at the last minute under claims that 'there wasn't anyone home enough to take care of her', which was bull because I was there in the morning before school then home again at around 3 to let her out and play with her and all... with-
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    the alcohol and drugs, I'm sure he just didn't want to spend extra on the food and all... the most prominent issue was when he cheated on my mum with her best-friend. I woke that night to yelling and the sound of beer bottles smashing upon being thrown and went upstairs to check on my mum after he'd left and make sure she was alright... He'd threatened to take my little sister as well and so I-
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    wound up staying by her side through-out the night to keep her safe if he came back. Also, for as long as my mother was with this guy, I lacked in food and clothing. Most of the clothing I had was hand-me-downs from friends and family. There was never enough money in the house because of him. My mum actually went out and hunted down a rabbit once and prepared it for a stew just to make sure-
    ? says:
    there'd be food on the table... Next guy was an alcoholic and physically abusive. Thankfully, my mum protected me because I never really had a hand raised to me except for the one time I threw a tantrum and he was the one that decided to bring punishment down upon me. He stormed into my room, grabbed me and then put all of his strength into spanking me. I could actually feel the jolt from it right
    ? says:
    up my spine and it hurt even just laying on my stomach afterwords. I wouldn't be surprised if I'd been quite bruised as well... I can also remember coming home from visiting my dad only to find my mother had a bruise on her cheek and eye... she told me she'd fallen into a door frame and I believed her obviously, but she was quite quick to allow me to go live with my dad when I questioned about-
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    the possibility of it because she wanted me out of that house. My little sister went to her father just after I left as well.
    ? says:
    Now, at my dad's there was a whole different problem... not only did I suffer emotionally because of my father but also because of the kids at school who'd labeled me as weird/a freak and basically shunned me and teased me to no end... So on one hand I was being treated like dirt from my peers and on the other I had a father who was reminded of my mother whenever he saw me... this branched off-
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    into me always being blamed for anything wrong that my little sister on my father's side did... such as cookies going missing. Once, the computer was messed up somehow and you'd need a password to log into it... which I didn't know so there was no way I could've done anything, but I got the blame and was punished anyways... when I was sick, and claimed so, I wasn't believed. I was automatically-
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    assumed to be faking it and sent off to school. There was one time I recall throwing up half-way to school but continued on anyways and another where I had this nasty stomach virus but forced myself to stay the day at school anyways. Then there was another time where I had a major ear infection and it hurt like no tomorrow. All I could hear was this loud ringing in my head... my dad actually got-
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    pissed when he had to come pick me up from school and I wound up waiting in my room for almost an hour in tears because of the pain with him telling me I was faking it and just like my mother and that the fake tears wouldn't fool him... he eventually did take me to the doctor and found out about the infection... no apologies for the emotional beat-around he put me through or anything... And no-
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    matter what I did, it was never good enough. I could try my hardest and get a B on a test or something and be told I could do better then that and when I did managed to get an A with all this stress I was going through, I never received any praise. Eventually I had enough and ran away back to my mother, who had taken up with a new guy... Obviously, with my past experiences, everything told me not
    ? says:
    to trust him and it was with great reluctancy and want to make my mother happy that I eased up a bit on how I acted towards him and tried to be polite... but that took a turn for the worst. At this point, I was horrible with expressing myself face to face so I wrote a letter of apology instead saying how I was sorry for how I treated him and how he was an alright guy... It was the same night that-
    ? says:
    I wrote the letter for him that I woke up late at night to find him standing beside my bed and staring out the window... upon noticing I had woken up, he started talking to me and eventually lay down intimately in the bed beside me. At this point, I'm nervous about him being close and my intuition is telling me to be wary... I can't remember much about the talk other then him asking if he-
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    intimidated me and that if I 'ever needed an older man to just ask him'. I was quite shaken about htis and told my mother the next day only to have him get pissed and claimed he ment it as a father-figure, but honestly, one does not lay intimately beside someone like that and ask if they're intimidating someone then claim what he did... he might have placated my mother enough with that, but it-
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    wasn't fooling me any. After that, I was on guard around him for obvious reasons but nothing else happened for a while until we moved to a new area... then the personal questions on whether I explored my body or masturbated began... He even had the gall to claim that my mother had wanted to know, so I went behind his back and asked innocently enough if my mother had ever wanted to know this about-
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    me without noting at all where it had come from. The appalled look she gave with her stunned 'no' was enough for me to know for sure he had been lying. With this, I have also had him tell me that he had masturbated while thinking about me once and even asked me if I wanted to 'see what a real man looked like' after 'asking' me if I wanted to sit down and watch a pornography video with him... now-
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    he's quite a bit bigger then me physically and I didn't want anything to take a bad turn, so I quitely put the tape in as he told me to and just stared at the while above the tv and tuned everything else out but his proximity compared to me. Eventually he asked if I was being turned on at all by it and seemed quite disappointed when I replied with a 'No'. He had me turn it off and I then escaped-
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    to my room and locked the door until my mother got home under the assurance that he wouldn't try anything with her there... there had also been an incident where he'd tried to get into my room while drunk once. I began keeping objects I could use as a defensive weapon on my bedside table, such as scissors or a pen, out of fear of the possibilty of rape... What really pushed my decision to run away
    ? says:
    to my aunt's after this was when a man who owed him money came over and had a gun, thankfully not loaded, in his coat pocket... I had been sitting right there in the room with them when the discussion became a bit heated. I fear what might have happened if the weapon had been loaded... Things were fine for a time after my aunt showed up to take me and the few items I owned back to her home to make
    ? says:
    sure I could have a place where I'd be safe and happy... This lasted for a few years until another incident occurred with a family member whom I thought I could trust... I had noticed he was starting to get more and more touchy-feely with me when he was over and eventually one day when I was home alone with him over for a visit, I wound up with him lifting my shirt and bra on me and began licking-
    ? says:
    and sucking on my breasts... even with all the self-defense I had learned through a portion in girls phys-ed in school, to have that happen with someone you thought you could trust it doesn't even really come to mind to defend yourself to put an end to it. I was shocked into complete stillness and couldn't even find my voice even though my mind was screaming at me to tell him to stop or to put a-
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    stop to it myself somehow... thankfully he did realize what he was doing was wrong and didn't take it any farther so it did not amount to rape, but it was still mentally traumatizing.

    (I ask her how I should explain her problem)

    ? says:
    Just that I have issues with being too close in proximity with people. I don't like being touched or having anyone in my personal space and will pull away or shift away from them... In some cases I might actually start to freak a bit over being touched which includes me tensing up and starting to go into a panic attack if I don't catch and calm myself quick enough. I will go out of my way to avoid
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    being too close in distance to anyone, even if it's just to see an item on a shelf in a store that someone is close by. I'll hang back and wait for them to leave before even going near it.



    So yeah, she wants to be able of getting closer too people now, but has a difficult time. So, any advice to help her out with this?

    I'm sorry if I'm not being very clear though, I do have a bit of a difficult time trying to word exactly what I'm trying to say. I removed her name mostly to protect her identity :p
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Hon - if all that your friend has told you is true, her 'issues' go way beyond the scope of understanding and advice that a forum such as ours can provide. There are no instant answers to years of physical, mental, emotional and social abuse. She needs to find someone who is skilled in helping her to deal with the trauma.

    That said, I am wondering the age of this friend. If she is still being shifted from house to house, that indicates a minor. If this is the case, she would not be in the position to seek professional counseling (due to the enormous cost involved) - however, she could start the process of recieving professional help by going to the school counselor. Also, if any of these situations involved the police, they would have record, and Social Services could possibly offer some assistance.

    I know these are basic-level help agencies, but without financial backing, she would have to start with the government programs.
     
  3. Red-Dragon

    Red-Dragon New Member

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    Well, she isn't below age, she is 20 at the moment, gonna be 21 soon. She is also Canadian, and currently lives with her Grand Father since she can't live by herself yet. Which she would prefer, but still wants to (as I said before) get closer to people a bit better. From what she has told me she has improved a bit, but I don't think TOO much improvement has been made.

    To add though, one thing that bothered me though is, she shows a lot of strength. We've even joked about all those predicament in her life. So I wonder if forms of therapy would help. >_>;; I know only 1 other person strong enough to do the same, but its hard to say. I'll try and tell her about this.

    And too further add, no, the police was never involved. She didn't really wanna hurt her mother, and is still shocked that her mother is still with the guy. Her own mother probably doesn't think much of herself either.

    I don't know what kind of agencies they have in Canada though, so if anyone knows of one I'd be thankful for your assistance, but I'll tell her to try and get such help, and she could probably find a good one herself. She has always dealt with these issues by herself though. She was just upset today because she hurt her grand father because of this.

    But I guess i do still see your point, I figured maybe asking here would have gotten some advice. But yeah, asking some forum like this just isn't do me, or her much good is it. >_> Well, thank you though. ^^
     
    #3 Red-Dragon, Sep 11, 2008
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2008
  4. Dreama

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    I think your friend should seek professional help, move out on her own away from that crap, and start getting her life together.
     
  5. Red-Dragon

    Red-Dragon New Member

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    *Sigh* I was kinda resisting trying to post here, but I'm just gonna take it out of my system. She has already moved away from this crap with her Aunt, and GrandFather, but can't live on her own yet. She moved in with her Grand Father since he is trying to help her move out on her own. And she is trying to put her life back together. >_> Sigh, I should really have put more detail before I wrote all this. She only wanted more advice on how she should get closer to people, since thats one of the issues she has at the moment. I am certain She may have others, but I'll just tell her to get professional help for now, and not force it on her.

    But thanks, since I can at least tell you had some good intentions when you posted that, I just don't like it when people didn't get what I said properly. So excuse me if I brought back something no one else wanted to reply too. Still have to wait till I can speak with her again though. May take awhile.
     
  6. Dreama

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    Hun, I'm sorry. I feel that the solution to this problem is exactly the response I posted. If there is a response one does not want to hear, they should post this at the beginning, so that those of us who have this advice can withhold it. She's 20, right? Why can't she move away? She's young, and she can go anywhere...It seems like an obvious choice to me. I mean, I'm away from my home place, and I'm her same age. I'm glad she's trying to put her life together, but the thing is, she needs professional help to help her do this. The way for her to get closer to people is to seek professional help, or to work on that herself to help her deal with this problem. But my point is, I wasn't being trite. I hope your friend does what is right for her, and good luck.