Advice about connection in bed

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Scorpio1871, Mar 4, 2008.

  1. Scorpio1871

    Scorpio1871 New Member

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    First post here, as I have just a quick question. I've been married for 10 years, but we're both still young and reasonably happy. I have a much greater sex drive than my wife, but when we do have sex it's usually really great. But my wife has gotten into one routine that I'm not sure about. She liked to fire up the laptop and read those Penthouse Forum letters—particularly the ones about group sex, orgies, etc. And while she reads them, I give her a massage, etc., until she gets into doggie style and continues to read while I go down on her. She's effectively sitting on my face, and I do my thing and she really loves it. But it's all happening without any connection—that is, she continues to read and get off on what she's reading, while I basically service her. Don't get me wrong—I love doing it, and it's a turn-on, yet at the same time I wanted to know if anyone thought it was odd that she likes to do this a lot. Any input would be great. Thanks
     
  2. igor

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    If that's the only way she likes to have sex it is a fetish (something she needs to have to be satisfied). That would be a problem.
     
  3. Luckyman

    Luckyman New Member

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    I would say give it some time and see if it continues. You don't say how long this has been going on, a couple weeks or six months. It's possible that it's just fresh and fun and it'll run it's course - but if you want to connect in bed a little more, why not read to her and see if it has the same effect? It might be just what you're both looking for and if it doesn't turn her on the same way...well then you might be looking at a slightly larger issue. There are after all alot of guys out there who are addicted to porn and can't do their thing without visual stimulation. Women are more into the imagination.
    Best of luck,
    L.M.
     
  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Lucky beat me to the suggestion I was going to make...why don't you read the stories to her while you rub her and play with her? I love reading those Penthouse Forum letters and stories myself.

    In fact, we've written a few erotic stories, and we read them to each other. Try writing a story or two...make it something that you know will turn her on and turn you on too! Just a thought...

    BD
     
  5. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    It sounds as though this is something you do not mind doing for your wife but something that particularly does not arouse you. As couples stay together and the relationship stabilizes the interest in sex changes. For many couples the focues turns to building a more meaningful relationship. Do not get me wrong sex is still important in the relationship but building a stable relationship becomes as important. My first question is do you believe she is more into building a secure relationship with you then focusing on sex?

    Also from your posting it sounds as though the two of you have entered a stage where sex is routine. The main thing is to find a way to make it more exciting and maybe explore other areas. Writing erotic stories for her, trying something different, or trying it somewhere else are all suggestions to try.

    If things do not seem to be improving then it is important that you talk to her about your feelings and what you have been noticing.
     
  6. a7Lm

    a7Lm New Member

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    If that's the only way she likes to have se
     
  7. Scorpio1871

    Scorpio1871 New Member

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    this is all great advice. I wouldn't say it's become a fetish with her, as this is something reasonably new that she's into, and it's not the only type of sex we have—but by far her favorite. I will take some of these suggestions and see how they go.
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    I think you are wondering if her fascination with the fantasies and stories is a bad thing. I don't think it's bad at all...I'd say it's a good thing. You said your sex drive is stronger than hers, right? Well, if this increases her sex drive, I can't see how that's a bad thing.

    My wife and I fantasize about involving other people periodically...sometimes we write stories (see the Erotic Literature section), sometimes we start talking about bringing someone else into it while we're in the act. Granted, you both have to be in the mood for it, but when we are it's gets the steaminess going.

    There is a big difference in merely fantasizing versus actually going and doing what you fantasize about. I personally think it's perfectly OK to fantasize about just about anything (and share it with my partner). After all, it's just a fantasy.

    Ya know, we only recently (within the past 6 months or so) started doing this. The funny thing is my wife gave me a Penthouse Forum magazine years ago, even before we were married if I recall. I now think (and maybe she'll confirm or correct me since she visits this forum too) that she was trying to give me a hint 10+ years ago that she'd love to do some fantasizing with me, I was just too thick-headed to get the hint. I've always had some group sex fantasies, but I worried that fantasizing with her about group sex or sex involving other people might make her distrust me. I realize now that my assumption was quite silly!

    I try to keep the mindset of "take the goods things and make them better, and ignore the bad things instead of trying to fix them" (within reason of course)...if her reading erotic stories is a good thing for her, make it a good thing for you too!

    BD
     
  9. FlirtyChick

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    How about a woman's view. BD, you are right, I liked fantasy 10 or so years ago when I gave you that first PH Forum. I am sort of an "exhibitionist by word".

    I personally get into the "mind" thing much more that I do viewing porn. When reading erotic literature one can fantasize by painting all the characters, sights, smells, and tastes with the mind. This makes it your own little story, and it is quite exciting. I became majorly excited just chatting online with my husband about an encounter he had with nude strippers while out of town. It was cool because I could make it MY experience, ergo the excitement.

    Talk to your wife about it, and let her know that it's ok with you. I am sure you have fantasies of your own, and it sounds like a good time for you two to unleash some new carnal desires. It will deepen your sex life.
     
  10. Scorpio1871

    Scorpio1871 New Member

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    speaking of fantasies, do you guys ever find it awkward to talk with your SO about them? My wife doesn't seem to discuss them too much—she once, in passing, talked about some stuff—and I can be a bit shy, too. Don't get me wrong, when we get into the mood it can be quite passionate and steamy and dirty, but I think we both are a bit hesitant to share our kinkiest thoughts, etc. What's the best way to discuss them, without feeling like you're putting yourself out there too much. Or is that just the risk you take.
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Great question, Scorpio! Yes, I think it can be quite a stretch to really open up and spill your kinkiest thoughts. You're actually making me think about this. You have to really trust your SO, and trust that your SO completely trusts you.

    In thinking about this, why not make absolutely anything allowable in a fantasy, right? After all, it's just a fantasy. I like realistic fantasies the most...one's that *could* actually happen are the hottest to me. That's not to say that they would...but just the fact that they *could* really turns the steam up a notch. But then, it also brings it closer to home...so what's the right balance point?

    For instance, one of my wife and I's fantasies (I think this is one of your's as well as mine, right FC or no? correct me if I'm wrong please!) is for her to give another guy a nude or partially nude lap-dance while I watch. I'd love to see her have an orgasm or two from grinding on another guy's boner...bonus if she gets him off too, I'd probably blow a wad from just watching. :D This fantasy turns both her and me on.

    Is this realistically do-able? Yes it is. Any number of guys (including some of our male friends) would be thrilled to get a lap-dance from my lovely wife. In fact, I've encouraged her to pick a candidate, someone whom she thinks is totally hot and let's live this one out...it seems harmless enough to do that. (For instance, I've certainly gotten lap-dances from totally nude strippers...my wife wouldn't want a lap-dance from a male stripper, she'd much more enjoy and be turned-on by giving a lap-dance than getting one. I've had some fun...it just seems perfectly fair to me that she should be able to also!) I throw out names of men that I know she knows personally and thinks are hot when we get into fantasizing about it. It's easy for me to do that...more realistic is hotter, and I don't have any thoughts or wonders about her going out and screwing one of the guys in question behind my back. In other words, it doesn't cause me to wonder if she'd cheat on me...the thought never even crosses my mind. (But then, I should probably note that I'm not generally a very jealous or insecure person, except for a few oddball situations...logically I know that I'd much rather someone be with me because she CHOSES to than because I've COERCED her to, if that makes sense. Given that perspective, I handle any jealousies that I might occasionally have accordingly.)

    Anyway...where was I going with this? :uhh: If I throw out a name of a guy she knows and she responds to that name, then that heats it up for both of us. I wouldn't think of later accusing her of sleeping with the guy in question, or anything similar. First off, I know she wouldn't. Second, if I did accuse her, then that would make her feel uncomfortable with responding the next time I threw out. The same is true for her I think...she's thrown out names of women I personally know and think are hot several times. If I responded to that, and she later accused me because I responded, I wouldn't respond the next time. End result: smothering the heat of an otherwise very enjoyable sexual experience and one that's harmless fantasy only.

    Now, there's two things you have to note here. First, it's unreasonable to think that neither one of you will ever see another person whom you think is hot enough to sleep with. Agreed? And you will either admit it or you won't if asked. If you make/have made your partner feel comfortable enough to admit it, then it sure seems to me like that builds trust. If you don't admit it if they ask, then that seems like lying doesn't it? And lying doesn't build trust, does it? Second, there is a difference between thinking/wanting/fantasizing/whatever about something or someone versus actually doing what you thought/wanted/fantasized/etc. about. Agreed? We can't help what we feel, we can't erase the instinctual responses that have been programmed into us (or certainly not easily)...what we can do however is use our minds to decide what we do with those feelings or instinctual responses. Then and only then (what we actually do with whatever feeling or impulse), does any of it become "right or wrong". My main point here is that just because someone fantasizes about group sex (or whatever) does not mean that they would ever actually do it (or even that they really want to do it...they might or might not).

    OK, so I think I've convinced myself that it's OK to fantasize about anything or anybody. It sure seems like fantasizing *should* be considered completely harmless...otherwise you can't even do naughty stuff in your mind! :brow

    Thanks for making me think through this! Hope some of this actually helps you...

    BD
     
  12. cbrmale

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    As someone who was thrice paid to write feminine-focussed erotic romance, I quickly realised there is but one market out there for written erotica, and it is feminine. It varies from raunchy to romantic, but it's the girls who read it, who publish it and who get aroused by it. In the broader context, publishing of mainstream fiction is also very feminine: my agent, my editor and my publisher's rep were all women. The gender balance in publishing would be about 80% female. So women are generally more in tune with words, language and communication than men.

    As to the fetish, sex can be a lot of things. For my wife and I it can be slow and romantic (our favourite), or hard and fast, or a bit kinky from time to time. But the same script, unsatisfying for one partner, is not healthy. I suggest you talk about this issue, sex to the background of written erotic may have its place from time to time, but there should be things happening that are satisfying to both of you.

    Don't be shy talking about fantasies, our best moments have come from such things (the kinky ones). Make sure your wife knows these are dreams you don't want to act out, unless she 100% wants to also.
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Sorry, I'd have to disagree. I read it and get aroused by it, and I'm definitely male.

    BD
     
  14. Scorpio1871

    Scorpio1871 New Member

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    Well, BassDude, you gave me plenty to think about. I actually took some advice here, and it's already worked well—my wife and I read the letters together and, well, things worked out nicely and there was a better connection, too. So that was good. (Those letters get me aroused, too, so it's definitely not strictly for chicks, if you ask me.)

    Re: fantasy, you're spot-on BD about the notion that the fantasy is hotter if it *could* realistically happen, even though you know it won't. One of my wife's fantasies, which doesn't trouble me, is to be with multiple guys at the same time, and one of mine is to watch her with another guy. But we both have only whispered this at odd times, and never in a million years would either of us really want it to happen. But I think if we were in bed together, and used these fantasies—i.e., she talked dirty about what she likes, or I watch her get off with a dildo pretending it's something else—it could be really hot. But, again, it's the whole point of bringing it up and not offending, and understanding you don't want it to really happen. But just hearing my wife talk about such things would be really hot, if I'm making any sense here (probably not :)
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Sexcellent! :dgrin

    Makes perfect sense. Occasionally, I'll cram myself and a vibrator in the front (it's a tight fit but it's quite nice ;))...I usually end up telling my wife "this is what it would feel like to be fucked by two guys at the same time...close your eyes and imagine it". If you both are decent writers (I can tell that you are from your posts), try writing some erotic short stories for each other and reading them to each other. :brow We've discovered that creating fantasies for each other kicks the heat up a notch....I love it! I don't think my wife could come up with anything that would make me worry or feel insecure about it. (Check the latest story FlirtyChick posted in the Erotic Literature section..."Valentine's Day" is the title...she ends up in a sex toy store that's partially under construction and some shirtless construction workers end up trying toys on her while she blows them...Schprong! :D Damn, maybe I need to go read that one again myself...:cool)

    BD