Adult Child living at home

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by bucky, Apr 8, 2008.

  1. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    This probably isn't the place to put this but I am looking for different opinions and advice, especially from the ladies.
    I have a 35 yo step son who has lived with us for 5 yrs and I think it is time for him to be on his own. He came from his fathers' because his dad couldn't handle him anymore.
    Our son is into Crystal, crack, weed and works occasionally. It has gotten so bad, last week I told my wife I was going to get a place of my own because I just couldn't handle being around him.
    Our marriage is rock solid and divorce is out of the question. I love my wife but can't handle the kid. What are my options? How would you handle the situation?
    I have only been a member for a few weeks but, after reading how you have helped other problems, believe there will be a lot of good input.
     
  2. loveit247

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    I would toss him out. If he is living with you to leech off you I would tell him he has a month to find a place. Unfortunately you have to tell your wife that it is him or you.
    If your marrige is as solid as you say she should agree with you.
     
  3. cbrmale

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    This doesn't sound like a healthy situation, however the stepson probably doesn't have enough money to set himself up on his own. If that's the case it puts your wife in an awkward situation: either you move out or her son ends up sleeping rough.

    The first option, probably one you've tried already is talking it through with your wife in a non-confrontational manner, expressing how the situation is affecting you. Another option that's often recommended for relationship issues is counselling for you and your wife together with a qualified psychologist. In this instance a psychologist might give you some options to think about.

    On the whole it's sad to see you thinking about moving out when you love your wife, so I hope things work out.
     
  4. Barbwire

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    It's going to be impossible to find a solution until he's clean. Is putting him in rehab an option?
     
  5. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Thanks guys for the input. Rehab is not an option because he will not go and at 35 we can't force him

    Throwing him out will be a last option and yes we have talked about what to do. We do not have a problem he does.

    My wife agrees that he can't stay much longer and is trying to talk to him daily about how to get him on his own.

    We are considering an intervention and giving him the choice of get help or get out.

    I usually find the comical side to things on this forum and this was a doozie. Saturday night he walked in on us while I was glazing my face at the "Y". He was embarrassed as hell and after he walked out we cracked up, laughed our asses off. Treats him right for walking in. Bet he doesn't do that again
     
  6. heelfetish

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    I'm sorry... I wanted to offer some advice or encouragement, but I can't stop laughing at 'glazing my face at the "Y"'. :rofl
     
  7. Dreama

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    Well, he isn't your responsibility anymore. This sounds exactly like my uncle. He's got some mental problems, as well as being a drug addict. My grandparents just had to kick him out, but he was in his forties when they finally made the move to do so.
     
    #7 Dreama, Apr 8, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2008
  8. cook74

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    I had f'n tears man!!! :lol

    Now that I have had time to shake it off here goes...

    It is a hard situation for you as you are not his real father blah blah... This man is 35!!! What the fuck? :eek

    Leaching of your folks in a major way has to stop by at least the age of 34 :p

    Give him a time frame and then BYE! :finger

    Good luck Bucky.
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    As a mother, it is embedded in our makeup to protect our children - even those that are 35-year-olds - when we see them hurting. The fact that he is emotionally and physically vulnerable gives him the label of an Adult Child.

    Your problem at hand is most likely anchored in the fact that your wife has not found the courage to 'let go' of him. Sometimes, it takes a long time for a mom to realize that she has nurtured and raised this person with all the wisdom and love she has. She's gone the extra mile(s) and given him chance after chance to be able to make something of himself. I'm sure I;m not saying anything that you haven't heard already, but at some point, she will need to realize that there is nothing more she can do as a "mom". She will need to change her role, because remaining the same causes her to actually enable the 'child' to continue in this set pattern of drug abuse and irresponsibility.

    It will be hard, as she will encounter severe guilt - as if she abandoned him when he needed her the most (all those wonderful motherly thoughts :eyes). That's where some good solid counselling for the two of you would come in handy. Otherwise, in an effort to appease her guilt, she may begin to blame you for the troubles that lie ahead.

    Most likely, the son's condition will worsen before it gets better, as he is accustomed to manipulating the homefront. You both need to be in total solidarity - and let it be evident when the son is around. When (not if) your wife cries because of the things he is going through, hold her and let her release her sadness. But whatever you do - DO NOT permit him to return. Have hospices and rehab #s and addresses handy for his pitifully repentent episodes - but under no circumstances should he come back.

    Sounds harsh - but Thorn & I have been through something similar. And from a Mom's standpoint, I know it works, and I know the child is forced to take responsible steps... or at least be in a neutral living arrangement that won't suck the life out of those that love him.
    *Big hug for Bucky & his wife*
     
  10. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Thank you Rose. When I posted this thread I was truly hoping you would pipe in. What you said is exactly what we are going through and she does realize it is time to let go.
    I'm afraid of the aftermath as you stated. She wouldn't directly blame me if something happened to him because we both realize this is a possibility and have talked in length about it.
    She is trying to prepare him by making him take care of his own finances.
    If things do go bad we will definitely seek help.
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Just remember - an addict will always find money when the urge strikes. A a matter of fact - EXPECT it! If it helps, spend some "sessions" on role playing between your wife and yourself how you will handle the inevitable messups he's going to encounter. It will help you both through those rough times.
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Oh boy...I've been through something similar with a brother-in-law (although no drug addiction, just irresponsibility)...been through it multiple times, in fact. Rose's advice is excellent I believe. You have to hold people responsible for their choices, especially at age 35. If it's children or elderly folks who are truly unable to help themselves, then help them as far as you can without damaging your own immediate family. But this...this is a 35 year old man (only slightly younger than me)...give him a reasonable opportunity to get his act together (sounds like you already have), then stand him up, tell him to act like a man, and kick his ass out the door. (Well, do it kinder than that, but you get the idea.) If you cater to a 35-year man's helplessness, you are doing him nothing but a disfavor by enabling the behavior to continue. He may end up sleeping on the streets for a night or two. But, once he sees that neither "mommy" nor anyone else is going to rush out, pick him up, and dust him off, he'll have no choice but to pick himself up, or simply remain there wallowing in his dispair. And note here...that is his choice to either pick himself up or wallow in his dispair, not yours.

    And I can also tell you from experience...these types of situations can be toxic to your immediate family. Make sure you take the steps to guard yourself, your wife, and anyone else immediately involved from the toxicity.

    BD
     
  13. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Thanks BD. Actually we pulled him out of the gutter five yrs ago. He was so messed up on something he slept for three days. We never it expected it to go this long. At the time the wife said a few months, six at most.

    Then it was when he got a job and a car (lost his license in Arkansas). He did that and now it is time to go. It finally hit my wife that I had had enough when I told her I was looking for my own place.

    I've been telling her exactly what you said by not doing him any favors by letting him stay. I told her if something happened to us where the hell would he be then.
    At least if he leaves now we can help him through the tough times like we do with the other kids. Not cater to him but be there if he truly needs help over a rough spot.

    I married his mom when I was 35. My third wife, so I can't imagine sponging off someone at his age.
     
  14. FlirtyChick

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    Bucky,

    My adult brother, now 37 and living in a shed behind my parent's house, is the man Bass Dude described to you. He lived with us before we were married and for nearly five years after that, and I nearly let him ruin my marriage. We picked him up downtown for drunk driving numerous times, and he could never hold a job for long because he defies authority, or he just cannot drive legally. If he does make money he blows it. When we finally kicked him, and his boa constrictors out of our house, he was a home improvement contractor and made more money than we do. But he blew it, ended up getting evicted, and now lives in that shed! He was just offered a REAL job in our town, but his new excuse is that he doesn't want to leave my parents alone. (Mom has a terminal illness). The only reason I put up with him so long is because I did not want to hurt my mother, and because I worried constantly about him living on the streets. It's like this: He is a grown man, and you have to shut the door on him sometime. Being a mom, I understand the heartache that your wife WILL go through, and you along with her because you love her. I do know this, no matter what, my grown brother will NEVER live with me again. He is and has been old enough to make his own choices, and if he makes the wrong ones, well that is his problem. I wish you both the best of luck here, because this is one of the toughest family problems I think anyone can face. (((Hugs))))
     
  15. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Thanks FC. It's much harder on my wife than me, but it hurts me to see her go through this. She realizes that he has to go, and soon. BD said earlier that it is not natural for a 35 year old man to live with his parents, and I agree. He lives here because we allow him to live here. He will be just fine on his own and like you said if he's not it is his own doing.

    We have 5 kids he's the middle kid and 3 of his b&s's won't even allow him into their home.

    When his father brought him up here from Ark. he was supposed to stay with his sister. She had a 1 yr. old but said he could stay there, until we found a syringe in his pocket. That was the end of him living there and that is how we took him in.

    He's come a long way in five years and I think he will make it on his own, otherwise I wouldn't be so adamant about him leaving.

    Thanks again for the support. It helps knowing others have gone thru this and the badboys and probably badgirls(aren't they all) who were thrown out, survived.
     
  16. FlirtyChick

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    Y'all hang in there sweetie. We are here for you to talk to anytime!!! :)
     
  17. Bluesy

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    I'll just add that your wife may be interested in joining a support group such as Al-Anon (originally started for the wives of alcoholics, they now welcome family/friends of loved ones with a drinking or drug problem: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/), you may have a Nar-Anon group nearby (http://nar-anon.org/index.html), and CoDA is for everyone (http://www.codependents.org/). They're wonderful groups, unsurpassed in providing the sort of emotional support and instruction in practical (and healthy) coping skills that a person in your wife's situation needs. I really can't recommend them highly enough.

    My best to you both. *HUGS*
     
  18. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Thanks Bluesy, she said we should check Al-Anon out, just for the support of dealing with this. The good thing is I can't remember the last time he was drunk.

    We'll have to see about Nar-Anon because my garage smells like a bong. I would rather see him smoke weed than drink(he is a mean drunk and Tequila turns him into a real idiot)(sorry FC), but he had to try harder stuff. I know Crystal and crack for sure
     
  19. Bluesy

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    Definitely latch onto alllllllllll the support you can get! I once cohabitated with a boyfriend who was addicted to pot and an alcoholic to boot...oy vey, the word "hell" doesn't come close to describing those days :ugh A CoDA group saved my life (probably quite literally!), and though I'm no longer a 12 stepper, I have nothing but the fondest of feelings for the great people who got me through it all.
     
  20. Spazz

    Spazz New Member

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    Wow that is a bad situation to be in for sure.

    The bottom line is what it is.

    I would load him and his bag up in my car, go for a long ride and come back alone.

    Easy as that.

    Good Luck.