About the whole girlfriend's past thing...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Nuggets, Apr 11, 2008.

  1. Nuggets

    Nuggets New Member

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    My situation is a little different. I may have forgotten to ever mention that I was a virgin when we first made love and she wasn't. I'm not one of those "oh I can fuck lots of bitches and its wrong that she has fucked lots of dudes" sort of people. In any case, I wish it was as easy as everyone says it is to not let a significant other's past bother one. Sometimes I still wish that she wasn't with all of these guys before but I am dealing with it and it's an everyday battle. I understand how the people who wrote these other threads feel, except the hypocrites who had sex with a bunch of other women before the one they're having this problem with.

    I'm managing decently well at the moment thanks to the advice posted in all of these related threads, but I am left with a few questions: ((thank you everyone, so much, by the way :bow))

    Can it truly be extra special to my girlfriend when we make love even though it's not like new to her and it's something she has experienced many times in the past and maybe even better than what I can do? Though she does say that I am the best she has ever had, that my size is okay, that no one has ever made her feel the ways that I do, etc. etc. And it's not that I don't trust what she says. Yeah, I know that now I'm sounding hypocritical.

    What if I was the one with a lengthy past and she was the virgin who gave her virginity to me? I wonder how she would feel. Would that affect anyone here? The thread with the poll that shows how many virgins lost their virginity to each other was really surprising. Like I said, sometimes I wish she didn't have such a lengthy past, but I guess there are good things that have come of it.

    What if STDs are brought into our relationship because of her past and we aren't even aware of it yet? We're going for tests on Tuesday, even though we aren't having any complications. We just want to know. Is it okay to be "jealous"/upset then?

    Yeah, so i'm running out of time and off to work here. I'm sorry if my post lacks proper organization. I just want to say that I could have had sex with a bunch of girls before my girlfriend, but I chose not to because I didn't love them. I feel as though making love and having sex are two separate things sometimes. I want us to make love and I want us to feel that connection that everyone speaks of. I don't want to just be another person she has had sex with or insufficient in doing the whole thing.


    Thanks so much SF. Once again sorry for a rushed post. I hope you understand. :bow:bow:bow
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dude, I'm glad the advice from here has helped you. But it still sounds like you've got a long ways to go if you are struggling with this every single day. You said that "making love" and "having sex" are sometimes two different things to you? Maybe you can view it that way for her...she "makes love" to you, but she only "had sex" with the other partners.

    And can sex be truly special for her with someone even though it's not the first person? YES! It depends on how she feels about you, not how many partners she's had or how big your schlong is or anything else...it depends on whether you make her feel loved or not. (Hint: continually throwing jealousy in her face over her past from before she even knew you will definitely not make her feel loved.) She's telling you that your sex life is good for her...and you still don't believe it. What gives?

    I hope you realize that you are likely destroying a good relationship with your insecurities...your mindset and attitudes are still present each time you interact with her whether you actually bring up the topic or not. I just hope you don't loose her before you make the conscious decision to let all this go.

    If the STD tests come up with everything negative, will you let it go then? That seems like an awefully good point of closure to me. Start thinking ahead to this now...if everything is negative, then let go of this issue and never bring it back to your mind.

    BD
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    I simply cannot take it anymore! I just can't! Dude, I am a woman. We do not commit ourselves to a man unless we are interested in doing so. Just so you know, I NEVER have thought of or compared my husband to my former sexual partners. I don't really recall what they felt like, smelled like, or the dick size or how good/bad they are in the sack. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME! I am with someone I love, and that is all that I care about. Please quit thinking about this before you ruin your relationship.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    Nuggets,
    Most women I've been with have been into the 'here and now', and the relationship is more important than the sex. So if you think you're relationship is travelling well, then you shouldn't worry about past sexual partners or their sizes or things like that. What you could do is in a gentle way is learn from your partners past experience, and let her guide you to becoming a better and more experienced lover. You've probably had that happen to you in any case.

    My wife was a virgin when we met, whereas I'd had a lot of partners. When I told her she was both angry and confused (it was a lot of partners), but she came to realise that out of all those women I chose her. Perhaps her anger and confusion came from her insecurity and the thoughts of all those past women and what we'd done together.

    My past experiences helped me a lot, because I was able to see the beauty of sex with love as distinct from sex for sex. So for me these days, everytime we make love it is beautiful, because I love her. The other thing my past helped me with was sexual self-confidence, and I was able to guide my wife better than a man who'd had little, if any, prior sexual experience.

    In my younger days we were quite blase about STDs (this was mostly pre-Aids). Despite being blase, I didn't catch any STDs. The other thing to remember is even if you girlfriend has one of the very common STDs like chlamydia, this is necessarily a result of many partners. All that it takes is ONE prior partner and infection can happen.
     
  5. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I have been on both ends, the one with much more experience and the one with less. I have know ones that had more experience. Intially I was attracted to them because I thought they would be fun, adventerous, but once the excitement wore away I found I had very little in common with them. When the roles are reversed sometimes you get frustrated because you wish things would move faster or that they were more adventerous. From what I have found it is the person that you are with that matters and not their history. My suggestion would be to take a critical examination of your relationship with her and I suspect you will find there are other issues beyond her history. In addition to the above suggestion I would also recommend moving away from the abstinence propaganda, saving yourself for the special someone and that no one wants to wear a shoe that has already been worn. Reality is people, men and women, are sexual beings and abstinence ideology sets unrealitic expectations. In my honest opinion if you truly care about her you will be able to move beyond her history, move beyond that she has had more sex than you, and move beyond the I saved myself as it will not work.
     
  6. cbrmale

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    Yorkiesmurf,
    You make a good point, and in your country and mine we obviously overlook the problem of abstinence propoganda. As if such a concept would fly anywhere else in the world anyway. I always regarded the whole abstinence idea as a joke, but it may be a possible cause of these 'damaged goods' posts we are getting.

    My social psychology studies showed me that even in today's sexually liberated Western culture, we are a long way from the sexual adventurousness that many cultures in the past practiced, and my personal experience is that the West today is much more sexually constrained than some other cultures, Asian in particular. Sex is a natural part of being an adult, and to constrain or restrain sexual development certainly causes a lot of psychological and emotional harm. And maybe what we're seeing here with these posts is a spin-off from the failed attempt to re-impost good Christian moral family values.
     
  7. bcuzbcuz

    bcuzbcuz New Member

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    Maybe I'm wasting my breath but the past IS the past. It doesn't exist, except in moments of (usually very inaccurate) recall. If you bring up the past (especially her past that is neither your business nor should be your concern) your are probably forcing an undesired recall, the outcome, whatever is said, is your fault.

    If her past only exist in your own imaginations, it will grow into a monster that will lurk behind every door and destroy your peace of mind.

    Either dump your worries over her past or dump her, you're not ready for an adult relationship.
     
  8. bsxy420

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    does she dwell on your past. or do you dwell on her past. like things shes worn or things that she ate? if not then think of her sexual past as something that DOES NOT CONCERN you. if she doesnt have any stds then get on with your bad self.
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Getting tested is a great idea..... and if something turns out 'positive', then I would imagine BOTH of you would experience some emotional trauma.
    But JEALOUS? What good is that going to do? If you want a solid reason for being jealous, for gawd's sake don't use a mutually traumatic experience like that to validate your jealousy!

    Seriously, stop looking for reasons to hold on to these harbored feelings. You're sabotaging your future. She may be understanding and sympathetic now, but it's going to get old real fast. A woman can only take so much emotional abuse (yes.... emotional abuse) before she figures "what's the use", packs up and finds someone who thinks more rationally.
    Before we were married, I had quite a bit more experience than Thorn. But even after 30+ years with him, it STILL is "extra special to me". There's something to be said about the kindness, love, self-lessness, and total vulnerability that puts our love-making over-the-top, even to this day. And like FL said, from Day One, I never compared him to anyone in my past. Their smell.. their movements... their cock size.... Nothing! It's been all about him & me, and the love we share. Period.

    You better move on from this, and the sooner the better. Find help, if you can;t do it alone. Otherwise, i see you as a very bitter and lonely man. jmho

    :rose
     
  10. loveit247

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    Ditto Rose. For me the sex with my SO is the best I have ever had. Not because he is a particularly accomplished lover, but because we love each other. When we make love and he stops to just look at me, right into my eyes, and gently touches the tip of my nose, I know! I know the depth of his feeling and that I am special to him. That my friend goes above and beyond any acrobatics I have ever experienced in the past. It is genuine and I love it more then anything.