A window into the possible perils of swinging/threesomes/foursomes/etc.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Texas_Red, Jul 28, 2013.

  1. Texas_Red

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    So I was reading reddit and came across a thread about a guy and his wife that ended up in a foursome. I don't intend it to say this is exactly how things will go every time, but as a way to show people how it can be if you jump right in and it goes all wrong. The guy is quite fucked up over it. I don't like how much blame he puts on the other couple but then maybe it's valid. I think he should've spoken up sooner about being uncomfortable. But ultimately, this is an excellent example of why you should never jump in with both feet without really learning about what you're getting into, and talking stuff over with folks.

    Personally I would be afraid of ending up like this guy in a lot of ways, if I were to engage in such a thing. I could handle being a solo coming in I'm sure. But entering into something like that with an SO? That would be really tough with where I'm at as a person right now. A lot of the things he worries about now, I'd be worried about. Granted, we always throw around "it's not the size of the tool, it's how you use it" but the reality is, you have to use the right tool for the job too. You might use a substitute that works okay, but nothing will work like the right tool does. So what if the other guy had the right tool and yours was not? Seems a valid worry to me, esp. with the prevalence of cheating and how easily people seem to be able to justify doing it. It's a dark and scary road to begin traveling down. I could only hope if I ever decided to go that way that I didn't make the mistake this guy did and put the brakes on before shit got out of hand.

    What are your thoughts, folks?
     
  2. paintedblue

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    Damn good read..

    Nice find Red.

    I can totally understand how this could happen. Most people think it is the woman that would be too emotionally attached to let her husband fuck another woman, but I suspect it is the man that probably has more issues afterwards.
    What people fail to realize is that there is no taking it back after it is done. You have no choice but to live with the reality of what had taken place, and the gravity of the situation can and will haunt you if you are not 100% prepared.

    That being said, we have friends who are swingers who are very much in love. The situation works well for them, and what I find most intriguing about them is that they never fight about things revolving around jealousy or insecurity. It is mostly domestic squabbles like "who left the empty milk jug in the fridge".

    I asked him once how he dealt with the fact that another man was inside his wife. His response was made perfect sense.
    "I wasn't her first.. and I wont be her last"
    He then went on to make reference to that of a used car, and that although other people may drive it from time to time, it is still yours.

    So I supposed it is all in how you look at the situation. The person in the article wasn't thinking past the fantasy.. and that is when couples get in trouble with swinging. They look at it like a night of binge drinking, caught up in the fun of the moment, not thinking about the dire consequences the next morning.

    Lesson to be learned in all of this? So many cliché's apply:
    Be careful what you wish for.. you just might get it.
    Fantasy and reality should never mix
    Don't dish it out if you cant take it
     
  3. boobjob

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    Really?!? You are comparing a person to a car? There are so many things wrong with that. I don't think they are the point that Ref was making though. We can discuss if you want, but for now I will just point out that even the liberal morals of this site require more sensitivity to womaen than treating them as "used cars".
     
  4. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    seeing redic with another woman didn't bother me at the time. the thoughts afterward, that he enjoyed it so much, that he liked her better, yada yada.... that's what i had problems with. me being with another guy, the first time, he was cool with. the second- i think he felt much like the guy who posted on reddit. This was tough to read for many reasons, but thank you, for posting it. Sometimes, fantasies are better than the reality, and you never know how the reality is going to affect you until its actually happening. if it hurts, by then its too late. you can talk about it and plan it to death, but you never REALLY know until its actually happening.

    This is the hardest part. This is why we never had another couple- its too hard to find ONE person that is the right fit, never mind, a COUPLE who comes as a whole. What if one half is perfect, and the other half is the worst possible option? Yikes! To be honest- I think we chose wrong with all 4 of the extra people we've invited into our beds, and as much as the fantasy is enjoyable and you think, "oh I want to do it again, it will be better this time", this post reminds me that it is a mountainous task, and the ramifications are forever.
     
  5. paintedblue

    paintedblue Member

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    I think his point was to show that you can in fact have something that "belongs" to you, and still not be selfish about others using it.

    If you knew this couple, the last thing you would think was that they objectified each other. I have yet to meet two people more in love than them.. and their progressive outlook on sex being a basic necessity like food & water, makes me wonder why so many couples (including myself) defend monogamy with such fervor.

    They embrace the variety of others, and in doing so they remove the jealous vein that ruins most marriages. The woman has said many times that even though she can openly have any man she desires, more often than not she craves her husband. Sex is never mundane or routine with them, and because the touch of someone else is no longer a forbidden fruit, they don't have that fear of losing each other. It really is quite remarkable when you witness it in person.
     
  6. boobjob

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    There you go again: "belongs to you". Sure I hear you. They have no jealoussies. Do they have children? Do they have parents? How do they explain their extracurriculars to those people?


    But I go back to the proprietary language that you use. Is sex just like food and water? Or transportation? Or is it more? Is it an integral part of bonding of two people in an intimate procreative act? If your answer is no then I submit that it is less like food and water and more like shitting and pissing. Sex nourishes the soul and bonds it to another. If you see sex as a natural act then the life that comes from it is the natural result and the partners to the act both have the responsibility to raise and nurture that child. That is why monogomy is so prevelent.

    People who use sex only for pleasure because it is "natural" are ignoring the fact that birth control is not natural. So let's keep that in perspective.
     
  7. boobjob

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    Sorry for the rant. For people who want to swing, that finem. I just don't think that once a relationship is serious and committed, it needs to be exclusive for a variety of reasons.
     
  8. backcheck64

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    Gotta agree. I've been with my wife 30yrs and I haven't had the desire to cheat, swing, or anything else. Along with that, the number of diseases running around now makes it very easy to stay in a monogamous relationship. I take my vows seriously.
     
  9. paintedblue

    paintedblue Member

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    Like I had said, If I had not witnessed the loving bond they have for each other, I wouldn't have believed it myself.
    Taking away the legal & religious aspects, and marriage is nothing more than a commitment of love between two people. There are many people in this world that have long, happy poly relationships. I am not one of them, but I am very intrigued by the idea. The concept has it's merits, but just like any non-conventional relationship, it is not very everyone.

    I think Boobjob is misunderstanding the big picture. They have removed promiscuity as a threat to their relationship. I think it is an interesting move, since it allows them to commit their love to one another, while still indulging in recreational aspects of having other partners.

    To them, it is no different than masturbation to the image of someone other than their SO. It is merely gratification, and not intended to be that of an emotional connection. She is no more attached to these men as a woman would be to a vibrator or a man to his favorite porn star.

    Also, as far as the ownership issue... do we not all consider our SO's "ours"? If another man were to touch your wife, would you not refer to her as "yours"?
    Just because this couple has found a loophole in the system, doesn't make it a bad thing. I'm willing to bet that when they are old and wrinkly, and sex has taken a back seat to Bingo night at the Elks Lodge, they will be more in love than most people on this forum.

    Oh.. and I agree with you Backcheck about the disease thing. There is some scary shit out there these days. It definitely makes you think twice before you start poking your dick into anyone that will give it up.
     
  10. boobjob

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  11. Mittimer

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    I've read the thread posted in the OP, it made a great discussion between my husband and I because we're adventurous folks who partake in activities that some would deem inappropriate within a marriage. But frankly, that's nobody business but our own. This brings me to my comment about what has been brought up twice now by Boobjob.

    It frustrates me to no end that you keep bringing up fuck buddies and whether or not they are introduced to children, parents or family members. I will be as clear and concise as possible with this statement and I do hope that it sticks.

    It is nobodies business what two (or three or four or twenty) consenting adults do behind closed doors. Please read that carefully as I don't think you grasp that. Leaving your feelings of marriage and what is or isn't acceptable while in a marriage out of it, read that sentence over and over again and let it really sink into your mind and embed itself there for the remainder of your life. It is nobodies business what consenting adults do behind closed doors.

    I am married. My husband has had extra curricular sexual activates with folks other then myself. I have done the same. Do we tell our parents? Do we tell our siblings? Were we to have children, would we tell them? Fuck no. What we do, as consenting adults are nobodies business but our own. Should we decided to have a "fuck buddy" move in with us and turn into something more then just a sexual partner, would we tell our family? No, because once again, it is nobodies business what we as consenting adults do behind closed doors. Asking the question of whether or not outside people should know about these activities is like asking whether or not you should tell your parents that you fucked your wife doggy style last night or informing your child that mommy and daddy are going to have sexy time in the swing they bought. I just want you to grasp how silly it sounds when you really think about it being said. I mean no disrespect but things like this really "grind my gears".

    So, now that I'm done with my rant, please get back to your regularly scheduled thread. :D
     
  12. boobjob

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    Thank you. Point taken and stated quite well. My thoughts belong in another time and place. It is certainly not my intent to judge. And honestly, I am woefully unqualified to comment where I myself have no real experience.

    I will however keep an eye out for the appropriate place to spew my drivel. :)
     
  13. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    :whip
    whew! Very well stated, Mitt! Sorry boobie. I do, however, see where you are coming from. my relationship with my FB grew complicated because i saw her simply as a FB to begin with, while she saw me as a GF, and proceded to make things complicated with both my kids AND my parents. not the best idea, in my book, as she was a bit younger and extremely immature, but as i said earlier, i made mistakes with all 4 of the people invited to our bed, and her immaturity and lack of understanding/privacy was one of them.
     
  14. Mittimer

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    You can spew the drivel where you want, when you want. You just may get a sassy bitch like me spewing back ;).

    I understand your point of view, really, I do. I just don't agree with it. I respect that you have a different notion of what is appropriate in a marriage and the notion and ideal of monogamy being wonderful. At one point, I agreed. Life just changes and your ideals change and you do what really works for you.

    You can continue to post back and forth with me and anyone else in the thread. If you don't agree with me, that's fantastic! Talk about it, tell me why. I am not offended by anyone not agreeing with my points of view.
     
  15. boobjob

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    Mitts point applies though. We all learn from our own experiences. One of the greatest signs of love is forgiveness and that is key here. And she is right. There are many things that I don't share with my sons. For me it is more about drugs and alcohol than sex. Am not anxious to share with them details of my past. I want to give them the tools to make their own moral decisions without dictating morals to them. I always hope that they have the wisdom to understand all the potential consequences of their actions.
     
  16. backcheck64

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    Religion never entered into my marriage. I'm atheist, as my family. I was raised to look for a partner that made you forget all others. I went through a lot of women in my younger years, but the 47th had what it takes. Married her 25 yrs ago, been together almost 31 and never had the notion to sleep with anyone else. You get that shit out of your system BEFORE you get married.

    And my daughter, almost 15, had sex ed at school, they showed what the diseases looked like and did to the body.... she said she has no problem waiting a while. It was the fact that 1 in 3 have one or more of the many diseases running around.
     
  17. paintedblue

    paintedblue Member

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    Precisely why I wanted to remove the legal and religious aspects from the institution in the first place.
    Boil it down, and marriage is nothing more than an agreement of commitment between two people. I see no problem if that agreement includes the clause that you may partake in sexual gratification from others, but your heart remains with your husband or wife... IF you are mature enough to handle such an agreement.

    I say "mature", because it takes a VERY open mind to be able to look past the accepted social conventions of what constitutes a marriage. Although I can understand an appreciate the concept of extra-marital partners in a "swinger" setting, I can say that I am not to the point where I can handle such a thing. Call it insecure, or just plain jealousy, but I know that I would be just as torn as the person in the original story. That being said though, I wouldn't disapprove of others engaging in such activities.

    Although the disease thing does creep me out, it is a manageable risk. As we are all aware of, condoms in conjunction with other safe practices can greatly diminish the chances of contamination.
    Every time I hear someone use the disease defense against swinging, I have to ask.. what did you do before you were married? How is sleeping with one more person after you took your vows any more dangerous than the 40+ other women you were with prior to your wife? If you aren't safe, you can just as easily catch an STD from the first person you sleep with, or the 101st..

    As far as our friends and the amount of love they show for each other. It goes beyond just PDA.. its more of an emotional connection that seems to radiate from them both. Almost as if they are one person. Arguments never go beyond a few minutes... they are extremely considerate when it comes to one another... and just the over-all way they are around each other.

    One last observation about this couple and their situation. This may or may not need to be stated. When I first met this couple, they seemed very much like your run of the mill married people. Both are very career driven, and extremely busy people. It wasn't until a dinner party at our home that the whole "swinging" thing was even brought up. I was rather fascinated by it to be honest, and they were more than happy to answer any questions we threw at them.
    One of the things that was most interesting was that the woman wasn't "slutty" or promiscuous. She had a very definitive type that she favored, and she always made it clear to her partners that this was "just for fun". Anyone that spoke of wanting to "take her away" or suggested her leaving her husband were quickly dispatched. Her body was hers to do with what she wanted, but her heart truly belonged to her husband. As did his to her.

    Just wanted to clarify that aspect. Just because someone has a different outlook on what makes a marriage, doesn't make it wrong. I think that jealousy is by far the most dangerous catalyst for a couple's demise. These two people, like many others, have found a viable, but unorthodox solution to the problem.
     
  18. boobjob

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    I guess I'm an idealist. For me true love is summed up by Tom Cruise saying "You complete me." In Jerry McGuire. That is what I have with my wife. Even if I sometimes wish and even fantasize about something else, she is always there with me. I cannot distinguish or compartmentalize between "my heart" and "my body" or "just for fun". More power to those of you who can. I'm sure that you have more fun than me.
     
  19. Cappy_Dick

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    Swapping and/or solo flying with consent, is not for everyone. There is nothing wrong with a couple that does these things, so long as they know they can handle it. As hot as this seems to a lot of people, those who can't beyond a doubt, separate sex from love, should not even consider it. If you have the slightest connotation that knowing and/or seeing your partner with another would cause you to feel jealous and/or hurt, then don't try it. If you have insecurities that your size/performance will come into question, then don't do it. If there is anything that gives you the slightest fear, then don't do it. Only couples who can make a separation between love and sex will be happy as swingers, or with play partners.

    xx
     
  20. boobjob

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    Cappy: your post made me think. I went back and reread a thread I started a few few weeks ago on love and sex. Seems most people sees the two as related. Maybe that is related to "social conventios" or maybe it is an inherent truth. I guess if you separate the two then it makes sense to play the field.