[Ask a Girl] A question for the ladies out there

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by Jetta, Feb 15, 2015.

  1. Jetta

    Jetta New Member

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    My wife and I have been married 41 years. (""How long is too long before one finally breaks down and goes out and finds another willing party to relieve their sexual tensions"")? We had a wonderful sex life up until menopause and then her desires of sex went out the window. It's been exactly 4 years now since we last made love. I went to my family Dr and a Therapist about 2 1/2 years ago to see what I could to cope with the stress, frustrations and feelings I was experiencing. The Dr told me he hears this exact concern everyday form women worried about their lost desires and the worries that their husband may go out and find it somewhere else. But it was the first time a man has come in with the concern. He told me I just had to be compassionate towards her loss of desire. I also got pretty much the same response form the Therapist. The Therapist did want to talk to the two of us together but she wouldn't go because she said I know she had no desire and it was my problem not hers. As I said earlier we always had a very active sex life at least 2 to 3 times a week on average. I still do and always did make sure I spend quality time talking, going to the movies, out to dinner, buying flowers. I've never forgotten a birthday, anniversary, Valentines etc. And just to be clear I always made sure she was taken care of in the orgasm department. In the beginning there were many arguments related to it, heck it's about the only thing we ever argued about. At one point about a year after I'd done without sex I told her I was going to go out and get myself a girlfriend on the side just to take care of my desires and she said if you do that don't come home. I'm in my late 50's and still don't need the little blue pill. If I did I probably wouldn't be pouring my heart out here because I'm guessing my desires would be lessened as well. I love my wife and cherish all the time we spend together with each other and with our children and their children. Everything else is still there. The woman treats me like a king. I just don't know how many more sleepless nights I can take lying there wanting it so bad I feel like I could throw up just to get up to and go relieve myself. I even tried sleeping in another room but that just ended up in her crying and crying for hours on end. One other thing it's been so long now I think it really feels like it'd be really awkward to even try to get it going now. If I was to talk with one of my buddies I can well imagine what they'd say and quite frankly I'm not interested in their crappy views. I'm not into getting a hooker or going to a rub and tug. What you'd get from a hooker you can get from your own hand and a bottle of lube per say. Not into something just lying there and not responding. At the risk of letting out a little of my feminine side lol, I need to cuddle, kiss and enjoy the feelings associated with foreplay. The last thing in the world I want is to ruin an otherwise perfect marriage. I just don't know how much longer I can take the stress.I really would appreciate some down to earth female perspectives here. Thanks in advance. J.
     
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  2. HotForHoney

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    Not gone thru menopause yet, I don't know what your wife is going thru.
    But I think she should realize there is an issue and go to the doc with you.
    I see your rock/hard place situation.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. Jetta

    Jetta New Member

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    HotForHoney. Thanks for your input. She is 59 yrs old. Completely finished menopause about 6yrs ago when she was about 53.
     
  4. Meee

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    No one in a "perfect" marriage says that. You don't have an "otherwise perfect" marriage outside of the sex problem. A lot of people come into these forums and ask about a sex problem and claim that their relationship is perfect except for that one thing. Then their posts give away that something else is not perfect too. You just did that. And the part about crying and crying. She isn't separate from this problem. The two of you need to communicate and share in the solution. Maybe marriage counseling (not sex therapy), but whatever you decide to do, think of it as a marriage problem, not a sex problem.
     
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  5. Jetta

    Jetta New Member

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    Meee,
    I do appreciate your input but the crying was not due to a seperate issue. It was due to the fact that in 38 years of marriage to that point we had never slept apart ever. That is where the crying came in due to the fact we had never been apart sleepwise unless of course one of us was away which was different. Also up to this we also never went to bed mad. We always worked out our problems before hand which always wound up in great makeup sex. Believe me when I say this. "we do not need marriage counseling" There is absolutely nothing wrong in this marriage other than the lost sex drive.
     
  6. lbushwalker

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    Not a female but butting in anyway; sex is the cement of a relationship.
    Yours has lost the cohesion, the result is inevitable.
    Been there, done that and left.
    She understood and finally accepted that my needs are fully satisfied elsewhere.
     
    #6 lbushwalker, Feb 15, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
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  7. Meee

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    The problem with incompatible sexual desires led to a physical separation and crying. This is a marital problem. It isn't just a sexual problem. It isn't an isolated problem that is separate from the rest of your marriage.

    Marriage counseling might not even be the best advice, but other members will see what you wrote and what I wrote and what H4H and L'Bush-Walker wrote, and they'll offer more feedback. Eventually you might start to see a sort of majority advice. Or someone will finally post the advice that you wanted to see in the first place, and you'll embrace that. Some of the veteran members here know that I post in threads like this for other people who might come along looking for help with a similar problem. I hear from them by private message. It's what keeps me motivated to participate on this site. The thread-starter is almost never receptive to my advice (or usually from the advice of any of the first few repliers), but that's fine. Threads in a forum serve a wider purpose.
     
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  8. lbushwalker

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    Something else that has struck me about the OP's comments is that like most of us he needs tactile stimulation of kisses, hugs, cuddles ett yet this is denied to him. It is one thing to not have any sex but quite another for not showing love.
    Consider the possibility that not only is your wife no longer interested in sex but perhaps also fallen out of love of you.
    Her menopause may have signalled the end of her reproductive years so finally with considerable relief this is the end to giving you something she was always unhappy to do all along but obligated by marriage convention duty bound to provide.That might sound like heresy but it took me a long time to not only realise this but even longer to accept!
    Sure she cries when you sleep apart as after all that is a long time habit and you staying in another room is a signal of potential big changes to come but we guys are suckers for tears so back you come to your private misery lest you hurt her.
    Have you actually told her of your inner pain?
    Hell there are many alternative things a woman can do for her man other than providing vaginal sex, caveat; if.....she still loves him!
    You said you have/had the perfect marriage but for whom?
     
    #8 lbushwalker, Feb 15, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
  9. Candela

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    JMO..You say she is crying because your going to sleep in another room,I dont think thats the case...She is crying for you!!.
     
  10. Jetta

    Jetta New Member

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    Wow. Some good food for thought here. I'm going to sleep on this and reply tomorrow because I really need to think and digest the replies I've read so far. Thank you.
     
  11. HotForHoney

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    If she's crying FOR him, why can't she try and have sex?

    I'm sure he doesn't want pity sex but if she's that upset she's crying, go talk to the doc with him.
     
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  12. Candela

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    My thoughts are she doesnt want sex but is feeling very guilty putting him thu this,Why she doesnt go to see a doc with him is maybe she is ashamed..JMO
     
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  13. SirFoggy

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    Good points there, Ibushwalker and HotForHoney, couldn't agree more. IF you really love someone then that person's happiness is important to you, you will do anything and everything for someone you love. Saying I'm no longer interested in sex and you have to be fine with that is cruel and selfish, there is no other way around that.
    I will not say what I would do if in OP's shoes because I'm not him and it's his marriage after all.
     
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  14. cbrmale

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    My wife is also through menopause now at age 54, and while I haven't asked her if her sex drive has diminished, in all likelihood it has. But that hasn't stopped sex at our house because we still love each other, and those in love share special pleasures with their partners. Those not in love or not in love anymore don't share special pleasures.

    It takes two. This weekend on Valentines Day we went to Sydney for a concert, and while the performer is one of my favourite artists I also picked that concert because I knew it would be exuberant and the sort of thing my wife would like, which she did. The Valentines Day was a coincidence, but the principle holds that if you want love to last you BOTH have to work at it. Big gifts and little gifts and special moments shared together and, hopefully, the sex will continue. Or maybe my wife is African and they're not so hung-up about sex. What's so difficult about stripping off and spending half an hour or more naked with the man who loves you?
     
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  15. Jetta

    Jetta New Member

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    After reading and digesting the well thought out replies to my issue I think maybe I've been a little guilty of dropping the ball and allowing myself to become complacent. My mind is now racing going in every direction at the moment. I think it's time to sit down with her and have a real heart to heart about the issue. Lay all the cards on the table with no ultimatums attached and see where it takes us. I thank you all for your replies so far. You've managed to turn a light on in my head that even the costly therapist didn't. :(
    Cheers
     
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  16. lbushwalker

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    Kudos to you Newbie as this is the first time in my memory that someone with your type of issues has actually taken on board what we know, advised and experienced first hand let alone even allowed advice contrary to self fixed ideas.
    I salute Meee for making you realise this!
    May something good come from this and if not then may the power be upon you to be positive in moving forwards.
    Furthermore I wish you not experience my journey to it's conclusion because even tho' now I am happy beyond words that journey hurt a lot of my kinfolks.
     
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  17. Candela

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    The very best of luck and understanding by the both of you@Jettaxo
     
  18. 12barblues

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    Nice job guys.... Meee's first post echoed my thoughts exactly. That one comment, "it's your problem , not mine" really stood out to me.... But the crying tells me something inside her feels otherwise. I'm not a post menopausal woman, but I CAN imagine myself a male with ED or some other issue that may stop me from performing sexually. And I can say that it would tear me up inside to feel like I couldn't satisfy my partner. The resulting inadequacy and self esteem issues may manifest themselves as "screw you, I'm hurting here and all you can think about is sex"... So I think you're in a very sensitive situation.. Getting you both into a conversation with a neutral party that can discuss the needs of you both, without pressuring or hurting either of you is solid advice. Good luck
     
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