A few jokes......

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Kronnie, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Joke: Many Uses Of Vaseline

    A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.""And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?""We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

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    A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isnt there some way to judge the size of a mans equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

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    Joke: Will Have Sex For Food

    There once were three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satisfied.One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.She took him into her barn and said to get started.He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fluffing her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fluffing her with that one.Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
    around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
    place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
    saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
    froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
    promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
    the light back on and began searching for more valuables.? Just as
    he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
    a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
    source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
    flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.? "Did you say that?" He
    hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
    you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.?

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name
    a parrot Moses?"

    The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that
    would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    In the act of robbing her home of its valuables the lady yelled,

    "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus
    Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
    )

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
    "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

    "Scripture? :whoa" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"