My girlfriend and I have recently seperated, and are going through a very difficult post relationship that seems to become harder and harder for me to deal with each passing moment. We were together for almost 4 and a half years. We had known each other for another 2 before going out. Our relationship was rocky sometimes, but for the most part, we had incredible fun and happiness together. I always made her laugh, and no matter how bad our fights were, we never went to sleep being angry and always said we loved each other before bed. Throughout my life, even while I was with other girls, I would think about her, and how much I wanted to be with her more than anything else. Just catching a glimpse of her walking down the street was enough to make me happy the rest of the day. Her very smile melts me everytime I am privileged to see it. Her body is the most perfect sculpture god has given the world since Venus De Milo. And I came to love her for her flaws, not in spite of them. She used to do things that were weird, but I cherished her for them. I always found it extremely sexy the way she ate potatoes raw. I would lie awake at night sometimes even get up early, just to listen to her breathe in my arms. Sometimes she would make these little "doplhin" noises or whale song type noises as she slept. I found it endearing! I have never been truly happy with anything I have done in my life. I have only felt that feeling of supreme elation a few times in my life. You know that feeling, right below your heart where you feel all warm inside and your body feels energized? Like happiness is replacing your blood? I felt that very rarely. Except... everynight when I was with her, when she feel asleep in my arms. I felt it then. Every night. She may claim that she wasn't sure if she ever truly loved me, but I know differently. I have always believed that when you are asleep and/or extremely tired, your true emotions will show. She would, in her sleep, reach for me and hold me tight every night. She would grab my arm and secure it snuggly around her, every night, even after a fight. She would wrap her legs around me and just hold me sometimes to where I couldn't move, not that I would ever have wanted to again. Even when she was dead asleep, I would whisper sometimes in her ear, "I love you, so much." and she would reply "I love you more." I have shared everything with her, I integrated everything I enjoy in life with her to the point where she understood why I liked what I like, and even came to love things not only because I loved them, but because she loved them the same way. We have never been apart for more than a week, when she went with her family out of town to visit some relatives. She would e-mail me just to say she loved me. She would buy ME roses occasionaly and sometimes send me a letter or a poem or song lryics, just to say she loved me! I even came across her diary once... I know you're not supposed to read it, but she didn't mind. All the passages before she met me were always about how much she hated her life and how sad and depressed she was. But when reading it after where she met me, she wrote how happy and excited about life she was! She wrote "I can't get Bill off my mind! He told me he couldn't visit all weekend. I miss him sooooooo much! I guess love is painful. N-E-Way, fate has that I'll see him again. I'm going to marry him and someday I'm going to dig out this diary from the attic of our house in Summerlin (a place we wanted to retire to) and read this passage, and I'm going to think "My goodness, I was right."" Her entries would end with happy bouncy upbeat little qoutes, like Tee-hee! Dude dude dude dude dude dude! So, of course can say now that maybe she wasn't sure she ever loved me, but I know she did. I have proof. How I lost it, is still somewhat of a mystery to me. She claims it was because we fought too much for her. Most healthy relationships do have some fighting, but we fought about the dumbest things most of the time. However, I've noticed it was usually around her menstrual cycle. She gets very stressed easily, and it doesn't help when she's hurting and cramping to have to endure an argument with the one she loves the most. Oftentimes, I wish I had stayed home during this period every month, as it would get pretty bad, and she's quick to become violent. You only hurt the ones you love, I guess. But I would get depressed and and would even stop eating when she wasn't around. I had to be with her as much as possible, so I would stay there even during her most stressful times. She says, all I ever needed to do was just let her yell at me, and then hold her afterwards, something I never was sure I could do after she hit me and would call me asshole over the slightest things, because I would become hurt, even though I know she didn't mean them. She would get so stressed! It only increased when she started taking more classes and working. Every day would become a stressful day for her. And I would feel rejected and left out when she would make plans to see all her friends, but not make time for me. Her reasoning was, "Well, you practically live here and I see you all the time, but I never see them." But I always felt, she never saw ME for the fun guy I am, because we could never get out of the house together, yet she was always allowed to get out more with her friends it seemed. It didn't matter too much to me that we never got out, because being with her was all I had ever wanted, no matter the situation. It could be me holding her hair back as she puked from stress, and I was happy and didn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. I... would cherish every heave. Nothing matters as long as I am with her. As for our sex life. We could NEVER ever get time to be alone! We would always have to do it in a house full of people. Wether it be her house, or my apartment, or the paper thin walls of my mom's house, our sex was always restrained and held back. At first, our sex was incredible. We would roleplay. I was the teacher who punished the naughty student. She always loved to roleplay. But as the years went by, and we could never fully give ourselves freely without worrying about other people hearing us, (despite my efforts to convince her that they already know about it, so why not go all out?!) we began to lose any effort in keeping the sex alive. It became routine. The only she enjoyed was the oral sex I gave her. She showed me where she liked to be sucked and licked, and even bitten occasionaly, and when to change my angle of attack, etc... she still tells me she ALWAYS came when I went down on her. But as for orgasms with me during intercourse, very few. And I know why, because we always restrained ourselves. Sigh... eventually, we both became tired of our lives being controlled by other people. We were both adults, and couldn't ever get out because we had to do things for other people and if we did get out, we were ALWAYS called home to do something that she forgot or someone else had messed up. We never got to enjoy time together. So... I made a very difficult decision. I was tired of having dead end jobs that didn't make enough for us to move out, and I wanted her to be happy. She is miserable living in that house being controlled. I decided to join the Navy, because it would give us the money and the things we needed to build a succesful life. I didn't want to join.. she didn't want me to join, but I knew I HAD to if we were EVER to enjoy the life we were meant to have together, as it was the only way to get the resources we need to build a solid foundation on which to build a life. I knew we were fighting way more than normal, but I thought the time apart would help us reassure our love for each other, and give her time to grow and enjoy her friends company for once. I had no real clues that she had been thinking of breaking up with me a few weeks before I left for boot camp. I suspected we may, because she wasn't showing that she loved me anymore, and we never had sex anymore. I almost ended it myself, just to give her time to be alone, but she cried one night before I left. I asked her why, and she said "Because you're really leaving. I don't want you to go." I told her, I don't want to go either, but think about how happy our lives will be when I return and we are able to get out of here and get married and just finally truly LIVE! I wouldn't have left if I had know that merely being there was all we needed to be happy... Instead, I left, and went through the worst emotional experience of my life. I wrote her everynight, telling her I loved her, and that I would be home soon to take her into the best life she could ever have. She wrote me twice, saying how much she missed me, how stressed she was that her family was yelling at her and how bad school was for her. I was able to call her every other weekend, and we always had a tearful conversation and she told me she was so miserable, that it affected her work and school and she couldn't concentrate on anything, that at night she desperately wished I was there to protect her from the evil hands in the wall (she hates being alone at night, she came to need me there while she slept.) I felt so horrible for leaving her subject to that, but I knew the rewards would be greater when I got home and we could leave. But... she met this guy in her psychology class. She became electrified with him, whenever he walked by her, she would smell him, and eventually realized she wanted to be with him. She put her emotions on hold and came to the decision that she didn't love me anymore, but wanted to wait to tell me before she did anything with this guy. She claims he wasn't the reason, that she had been thinking this way for a while. I know she was thinking about it... but, she didn't want to do it, because she had faith we could make it. But... this guy approached her and she was desperately needed someone to fulfill what I gave her, and she was alone and everyone else she knew was stressing her out, myself included just by being gone. She left me when I was needing her most, doing something incredibly noble for her future. I didn't care about what I wanted or needed, because what I wanted and needed was her to be happy. I cried for 3 solid hours in the head, and talked to everyone in my division who was so supportive. I had to be put on suicide watch, were someone would watch me to make sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. All I knew, was that I had to wait til I saw her again before I could talk to her and find out WHY? I just came home two days ago, and have since seen her again. We had a nice long chat about us, and we shared some secrets and I learned about the new guy that she left me for. I honestly felt we were having a truthful and open conversation for once, and that nothing wasn't being left unsaid. I asked her to tell me about this guy, and... had she slept with him yet? She told me he was a mormon, and that they weren't having sex. She explained to me that, while I gave great head to her, that she never could really cum when we had intercourse. And that while she had no other frame of reference to base me on, she did enjoy sex with me at first, but as the years went by, it became something she only did for me. We were never really alone when we had sex, as we always did it at her parents house, or my apartment when my roomates could hear us. Our sex was always restrained (at least from my end) because we didn't want to make noise. I even said to her one day "Let's just go loose! They all know we are having sex, who cares if they hear us?" but she wouldn't go for it. Too embarrasing she said. I lived to just please her. That was my goal in life, but she never told me anything about what she liked, I was her first after all and she wasn't sure what she wanted and needed during sex. I was always in the dark about how to please her. Eventually it became a routine that just wasn't fun for either of us. I know she loved to role play. She used to be the bad student, and I was the teacher who punished her. We stopped doing that, for reasons I don't know. She would look at me and tell me how bad she was and how badly she needed to be punished. We had great sex for a long time at first. When it was something nobody else knew about... once the family knew about it.. that's when it wasn't fun anymore. Although we could finally be open and go all night if we wanted, it just wasn't the same, because we were still trapped in that house. I learned where to suck when I went down on her, what variants of motion she enjoyed on her clitoris. She always came when I gave her oral. I would've been happy always doing just that, as I live to give her pleasure. It's just how I've always been. But she would grab me and pull me up and tell me to fuck her. But.. she tells me she never enjoyed it? I know she loved me and just wanted to please me. But I have always told her the sex was about her, and that her getting off got me off. I used to hear her masturbate in the shower before we started having sex. I have never felt so horny in my entire life listening to her please herself. I even tried to get her to masturbate in front of me, but we never did. But the next day, after our talk that left me thinking we were gonna be okay as friends, I came on here and I found posts from her saying how she's been having the best sex of her life with him, basically from the moment they started going out, about two or three days after she ending things with me... She had.. lied to me. For the first time, she lied to me.