A difficult breakup...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Billman, Dec 15, 2003.

  1. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    My girlfriend and I have recently seperated, and are going through a very difficult post relationship that seems to become harder and harder for me to deal with each passing moment.

    We were together for almost 4 and a half years. We had known each other for another 2 before going out. Our relationship was rocky sometimes, but for the most part, we had incredible fun and happiness together. I always made her laugh, and no matter how bad our fights were, we never went to sleep being angry and always said we loved each other before bed.

    Throughout my life, even while I was with other girls, I would think about her, and how much I wanted to be with her more than anything else. Just catching a glimpse of her walking down the street was enough to make me happy the rest of the day. Her very smile melts me everytime I am privileged to see it. Her body is the most perfect sculpture god has given the world since Venus De Milo. And I came to love her for her flaws, not in spite of them.

    She used to do things that were weird, but I cherished her for them. I always found it extremely sexy the way she ate potatoes raw. I would lie awake at night sometimes even get up early, just to listen to her breathe in my arms. Sometimes she would make these little "doplhin" noises or whale song type noises as she slept. I found it endearing!

    I have never been truly happy with anything I have done in my life. I have only felt that feeling of supreme elation a few times in my life. You know that feeling, right below your heart where you feel all warm inside and your body feels energized? Like happiness is replacing your blood? I felt that very rarely. Except... everynight when I was with her, when she feel asleep in my arms. I felt it then. Every night.

    She may claim that she wasn't sure if she ever truly loved me, but I know differently. I have always believed that when you are asleep and/or extremely tired, your true emotions will show. She would, in her sleep, reach for me and hold me tight every night. She would grab my arm and secure it snuggly around her, every night, even after a fight. She would wrap her legs around me and just hold me sometimes to where I couldn't move, not that I would ever have wanted to again. Even when she was dead asleep, I would whisper sometimes in her ear, "I love you, so much." and she would reply "I love you more."

    I have shared everything with her, I integrated everything I enjoy in life with her to the point where she understood why I liked what I like, and even came to love things not only because I loved them, but because she loved them the same way.

    We have never been apart for more than a week, when she went with her family out of town to visit some relatives. She would e-mail me just to say she loved me. She would buy ME roses occasionaly and sometimes send me a letter or a poem or song lryics, just to say she loved me!

    I even came across her diary once... I know you're not supposed to read it, but she didn't mind. All the passages before she met me were always about how much she hated her life and how sad and depressed she was. But when reading it after where she met me, she wrote how happy and excited about life she was!

    She wrote "I can't get Bill off my mind! He told me he couldn't visit all weekend. I miss him sooooooo much! I guess love is painful. N-E-Way, fate has that I'll see him again. I'm going to marry him and someday I'm going to dig out this diary from the attic of our house in Summerlin (a place we wanted to retire to) and read this passage, and I'm going to think "My goodness, I was right.""

    Her entries would end with happy bouncy upbeat little qoutes, like Tee-hee! Dude dude dude dude dude dude!

    So, of course can say now that maybe she wasn't sure she ever loved me, but I know she did. I have proof. How I lost it, is still somewhat of a mystery to me.

    She claims it was because we fought too much for her. Most healthy relationships do have some fighting, but we fought about the dumbest things most of the time. However, I've noticed it was usually around her menstrual cycle. She gets very stressed easily, and it doesn't help when she's hurting and cramping to have to endure an argument with the one she loves the most. Oftentimes, I wish I had stayed home during this period every month, as it would get pretty bad, and she's quick to become violent. You only hurt the ones you love, I guess. But I would get depressed and and would even stop eating when she wasn't around. I had to be with her as much as possible, so I would stay there even during her most stressful times. She says, all I ever needed to do was just let her yell at me, and then hold her afterwards, something I never was sure I could do after she hit me and would call me asshole over the slightest things, because I would become hurt, even though I know she didn't mean them. She would get so stressed! It only increased when she started taking more classes and working. Every day would become a stressful day for her. And I would feel rejected and left out when she would make plans to see all her friends, but not make time for me. Her
    reasoning was, "Well, you practically live here and I see you all the time, but I never see them." But I always felt, she never saw ME for the fun guy I am, because we could never get out of the house together, yet she was always allowed to get out more with her friends it seemed. It didn't matter too much to me that we never got out, because being with her was all I had ever wanted, no matter the situation. It could be me holding her hair back as she puked from stress, and I was happy and didn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. I... would cherish every heave. Nothing matters as long as I am with her.

    As for our sex life. We could NEVER ever get time to be alone! We would always have to do it in a house full of people. Wether it be her house, or my apartment, or the paper thin walls of my mom's house, our sex was always restrained and held back. At first, our sex was incredible. We would roleplay. I was the teacher who punished the naughty student. She always loved to roleplay. But as the years went by, and we could never fully give ourselves freely without worrying about other people hearing us, (despite my efforts to convince her that they already know about it, so why not go all out?!) we began to lose any effort in keeping the sex alive. It became routine. The only she enjoyed was the oral sex I gave her.

    She showed me where she liked to be sucked and licked, and even bitten occasionaly, and when to change my angle of attack, etc... she still tells me she ALWAYS came when I went down on her. But as for orgasms with me during intercourse, very few. And I know why, because we always restrained ourselves.

    Sigh... eventually, we both became tired of our lives being controlled by other people. We were both adults, and couldn't ever get out because we had to do things for other people and if we did get out, we were ALWAYS called home to do something that she forgot or someone else had messed up. We never got to enjoy time together. So... I made a very difficult decision. I was tired of having dead end jobs that didn't make enough for us to move out, and I wanted her to be happy. She is miserable living in that house being controlled.

    I decided to join the Navy, because it would give us the money and the things we needed to build a succesful life. I didn't want to join.. she didn't want me to join, but I knew I HAD to if we were EVER to enjoy the life we were meant to have together, as it was the only way to get the resources we need to build a solid foundation on which to build a life. I knew we were fighting way more than normal, but I thought the time apart would help us reassure our love for each other, and give her time to grow and enjoy her friends company for once.

    I had no real clues that she had been thinking of breaking up with me a few weeks before I left for boot camp. I suspected we may, because she wasn't showing that she loved me anymore, and we never had sex anymore. I almost ended it myself, just to give her time to be alone, but she cried one night before I left. I asked her why, and she said "Because you're really leaving. I don't want you to go." I told her, I don't want to go either, but think about how happy our lives will be when I return and we are able to get out of here and get married and just finally truly LIVE! I wouldn't have left if I had know that merely being there was all we needed to be happy...

    Instead, I left, and went through the worst emotional experience of my life. I wrote her everynight, telling her I loved her, and that I would be home soon to take her into the best life she could ever have. She wrote me twice, saying how much she missed me, how stressed she was that her family was yelling at her and how bad school was for her.

    I was able to call her every other weekend, and we always had a tearful conversation and she told me she was so miserable, that it affected her work and school and she couldn't concentrate on anything, that at night she desperately wished I was there to protect her from the evil hands in the wall (she hates being alone at night, she came to need me there while she slept.) I felt so horrible for leaving her subject to that, but I knew the rewards would be greater when I got home and we could leave.

    But... she met this guy in her psychology class. She became electrified with him, whenever he walked by her, she would smell him, and eventually realized she wanted to be with him.

    She put her emotions on hold and came to the decision that she didn't love me anymore, but wanted to wait to tell me before she did anything with this guy.

    She claims he wasn't the reason, that she had been thinking this way for a while. I know she was thinking about it... but, she didn't want to do it, because she had faith we could make it. But... this guy approached her and she was desperately needed someone to fulfill what I gave her, and she was alone and everyone else she knew was stressing her out, myself included just by being gone.

    She left me when I was needing her most, doing something incredibly noble for her future. I didn't care about what I wanted or needed, because what I wanted and needed was her to be happy.

    I cried for 3 solid hours in the head, and talked to everyone in my division who was so supportive. I had to be put on suicide watch, were someone would watch me to make sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. All I knew, was that I had to wait til I saw her again before I could talk to her and find out WHY?

    I just came home two days ago, and have since seen her again. We had a nice long chat about us, and we shared some secrets and I learned about the new guy that she left me for. I honestly felt we were having a truthful and open conversation for once, and that nothing wasn't being left unsaid. I asked her to tell me about this guy, and... had she slept with him yet?

    She told me he was a mormon, and that they weren't having sex. She explained to me that, while I gave great head to her, that she never could really cum when we had intercourse. And that while she had no other frame of reference to base me on, she did enjoy sex with me at
    first, but as the years went by, it became something she only did for me.

    We were never really alone when we had sex, as we always did it at her parents house, or my apartment when my roomates could hear us. Our sex was always restrained (at least from my end) because we didn't want to make noise. I even said to her one day "Let's just go loose!
    They all know we are having sex, who cares if they hear us?" but she wouldn't go for it. Too embarrasing she said.

    I lived to just please her. That was my goal in life, but she never told me anything about what she liked, I was her first after all and she wasn't sure what she wanted and needed during sex. I was always in the dark about how to please her. Eventually it became a routine that just wasn't fun for either of us.

    I know she loved to role play. She used to be the bad student, and I was the teacher who punished her. We stopped doing that, for reasons I don't know. She would look at me and tell me how bad she was and how badly she needed to be punished. We had great sex for a long time
    at first. When it was something nobody else knew about... once the family knew about it.. that's when it wasn't fun anymore. Although we could finally be open and go all night if we wanted, it just wasn't the same, because we were still trapped in that house.

    I learned where to suck when I went down on her, what variants of motion she enjoyed on her clitoris. She always came when I gave her oral. I would've been happy always doing just that, as I live to give her pleasure. It's just how I've always been. But she would grab me
    and pull me up and tell me to fuck her. But.. she tells me she never enjoyed it? I know she loved me and just wanted to please me. But I have always told her the sex was about her, and that her getting off got me off.

    I used to hear her masturbate in the shower before we started having sex. I have never felt so horny in my entire life listening to her please herself. I even tried to get her to masturbate in front of me, but we never did.

    But the next day, after our talk that left me thinking we were gonna be okay as friends, I came on here and I found posts from her saying how she's been having the best sex of her life with him, basically from the moment they started going out, about two or three days after she ending things with me... She had.. lied to me. For the first time, she lied to me.
     
  2. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    I began to shake and I couldn't breathe. I still haven't eaten since I've come onto this board. I wonder why? Why did I have to learn about it this way? Why couldn't she have told me herself? I had just asked her the day before when we were being truthful. She says she thought I wasn't ready to know. I wonder when I WOULD have been ready to know, according to her?

    Through out this entire break up, I have surprised her, because I have not once overreacted or yelled at her, or anything. I even told her how PROUD I was that she was actually taking some control of her life, and though it hurted me so much that I was sufferring, that at least she was doing something to find herself, and hopefully she would find happiness. She thanked me, and cried and said she was wrong about how I would handle this. The scary thing is... I honestly was not mad at her, and knew she had to find out what else there was in life, seeing as I was her only. I was letting her go. Setting her free, at least.. for her.

    She's only been with him a month, and already feels that she wants to marry him anddesperately wants the ring on her finger from this new guy. It worries the hell out of me, that she could honestly think this is what she's feeling! She's become withdrawn from her family, and friends even, (HER FRIENDS?! They are what was always important for her! And he worse to her about this than I am, from what I've been told!) for this new guy. She doesn't come home, and misses work, and even lied to her mother about sex. Her mother, whom she loves.

    Her family is worried for her. They think she's wrecking her life, and throwing away all her chances over this guy. And they do NOT like this guy at all.

    Christ, sitting there while people tell me how he treats her. How she doesn't laugh with him in public, (I ALWAYS made her laugh... she even told me I'm funnier than him.) he even yells at her in the mall... Tells her to shut up! They all sense something very wrong about him.

    And all I could do.. was tell them all. Give him a chance. For her. She looked at me when I said that, and asked "Even after I lied to you about us having sex, you would STILL do that for me?" I said "Yeah.. because I LOVE YOU. Don't you get it, yet? I would do anything for you." Even..apparently.. if that means letting her destroy her life... as she takes me down with her.

    She's so sexually happy too. That KILLS me. THEY are able to get out and alone, THEY can be free with each other like we never could, OF COURSE she's gonna have better sex... but she roleplays with him. Wears little maid outfits, and basically cums harder than ever with this new guy, and shares it here for the whole world to see... and that's how I found out.

    She wasn't honest with me. And she claims she wants me to be her best friend, but I am remorse in thinking she's saying that cause she feels guilt over doing this to me, and as soon as that guilt fades... I will be nothing to her. Not that I am much now anyway.

    I have never believed in fate or anything.. but so much in my life had been preparing me for her. The sense of completion I never had with anyone else until I met her. The way her little tricks to see our compatibility ALWAYS showed us as the perfect match.

    Everyone... EVERYONE.. says she seemed so much happier with me. And that this guy treats her horribly. What she sees in him.. noone knows.

    All I know is that I'm suffering terribly. Dealing with her lying to me. We were always so on the same wavelength, it was scary. I have written and photographic proof of her love for me, which she is uncertain she ever had (as of course, anyone who's in a new relationship would be for an ex) I don't know what to do. My friend has guns.. and I'm scared I'm going to do something I KNOW is stupid and wrong, and selfish... but my pain is killing me.

    I went out tonight with a girl I've always liked in some way. But she just wanted to talk to me about Janelle. I didn't, because A: you don't talk about your ex on a date... and B: all this was currently happening and not yet over, and C: cause I wanted to enjoy being with my date. I actually did truly enjoy her company at first. And I even thought she kinda liked me, but... she kept bringing up Janelle. (My date was a friend of us both.) I guess she needs to know that I could be committed to her, before she could date me. I understood what she was feeling and told her that I know this is awkward for her, that I would take her home.

    What was scary was, I really wanted to be with that girl, rather than my ex, just for that moment. I wanted desperately to move on, but.. didn't. No.. I desperately wanted to save my ex from the mistakes she's making. My date sensed this, and I apologized to her. I was doing my best, but my date dwelled on it. I kinda thought, "Shouldn't I be the one worrying about my ex?" I don't know. I think maybe this girl could like me, but doesn't want to get involved in something like this. I totally don't blame her. I took her home. She suggested we try again on Wednesday. Something to look forward to, I guess...

    But.. we ALL know I'm not ready. I'm not letting go of my ex. I'm not dealing with this as well as it appears on the outside, because inside, I'm literally afraid of commiting suicide, I'm just suffereing so much without mx ex. It's made worse by all the things I've learned about her here. Things I should've known.. should've learned from her.

    This is all becoming my worst fear. Somethings are left unresolved. And what's worse, is.. I can't be there for her. I won't. She needs to make this mistake. I have to let her go. I HAVE to let her go, despite the damage it's doing to her family.. and even mine. She's hurting so many people with this extreme change in her behaviour. It has us all scared. It's like she's joined a cult or something.

    She's... happy though. And it kills me more and more everyday. If only I had let go more with her. If only... if only if only if only.

    Why does life have to be this way? Because the majority of people says it is? Life doesn't have to be pain.

    She's gonna kill me. Tommorow is it. The day we are finally going to be alone to talk without outside influences. If she can't be honest then... I don't know how much more about her I can stumble upon. I don't even know what to talk to her about.

    I don't know anything about life. I had it all... There's so much more to tell you all about. This is but a fragment of a larger story. It's hard to convey to you the feelings everyone of us are going through for this woman, in such a small note.
     
  3. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Thats a really sad story. She seems like a total bitch and hopefully time will heal your wounds.
     
  4. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    What sucks is, I don't feel mad at her, nor do I think she's being a bitch. To me, she seems to be desperately trying to follow her heart, but of course hearing just my point of view is going to make people think she's a bitch... but I don't.. despite all the hell I'm going through.

    Does that say something bad about me, that I'm not mad at her, and that I'm still friends with her?

    I hope not, because despite all this, she still continues to be the most rewarding friendship I've ever had... sadly enough.
     
  5. Shellen77

    Shellen77 New Member

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    Wow...I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It's just heartbreaking to read so I can't imagine how you're feeling.

    Please don't take any offense to this, but from what I've read she sounds like she's not quite well emotionally. She sounds controlling & obviously can't deal with stress very well. Honestly, it sounds like she needs some help either with a therapist or a physician.
    I know how bad it may hurt you right now, but it really may be for the best. Sweetie, she just doesn't seem like the one for you. Your Ms. Right is out there somewhere & you'll find her. When you do, you will know that she's the one. Every relationship has it's ups & it's downs, but it sounds like this relationship had more downs than anything. With the right one, it'll be the opposite....so many good things & not very many negatives.

    I really wish you the best & I'm sorry I don't have much better advice for you. The only thing I can suggest is giving yourself plenty of time to heal & with that you will realize what I'm talking about. It just takes time and a lot of it. It's really hard to do, but you definitely need some alone time for a while.

    Chin up & it will get better! Sounds like you really need a hug...will a cyber one do? (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
     
  6. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    The best thing for you to do is to move on. Hanging around her is only inflating her ego and, in the long run, causing you more pain.
     
  7. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    I fear that you are all correct... maybe you most definately are...

    But.. when I'm with her, even now during this trying period, I'm just.. soooo happy to be in her presence. Sigh... I had always wondered wether or not I truly loved her, or just feared losing her and thought I did so I would avoid that. Now, after losing her, and spending time with her again, I realize I truly did love her... still love her.

    But no matter what.. I am moving on to a different life in a few days, my Navy career is taking me away, and I have no choice but to go with it. It's just.. she should have been coming too. Perhaps she still is, but in a different way...

    I don't think our relationship was more down than up. More like, the downs caused more damage than the ups could repair? I don't know if that makes sense... It seems to me that most of the time we were grateful to be with each other, but we always wanted more than we were getting.

    I wanted to die so much lately, but I've been with her a lot the last few days, and I just... want to grasp onto life for one simple thing: Hope. That maybe... I can find a way to move on...

    Sometimes... I just don't know.

    She still has my soul... my heart.. all of me. Considering the circumstances, that's not good for me at all.. but she still manages to make me smile, make me laugh... make me happy. And I'm cherishing every second of it, cause I know it's not going to last much longer.

    I'm very thankful that she's been willing to spend her time with me, and that things have been going the way they have been. Sigh.. even if it's just humoring me... I'm very grateful to just be able to tie up some of the loose ends. Maybe I'm extremely lucky to do so, or maybe I'm cursed cause things could just get worse again very easily. The problem is.. I just don't know with her. And unless I ask.. all I can do is assume, and that's where the real damage comes from. That's what always hurt our relationship. I can only hope things will work out for the best, one way or the other.

    Billman
     
  8. KoenigNazgul

    KoenigNazgul New Member

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    Wow, Bill. I thought I had a heart-breaking story to tell. I just broke up with my girl two days ago. I thought I made a long reply in this forum, it pales in comparison to your expanded thoughts. I have such a huge spectrum of emotions right now that trying to describe just one of them is difficult. I am hurt too, I miss my girl so much, I feel like I've lost everything in losing her. My best friend and my girlfriend at the same time.

    Your quip about how you had more ups than downs, just that the downs did more damage than the ups could repair really hit home to me. I had the same situation. If you added up all the good time I spent with my girlfriend it would drown out the bad if compared by weight. But to her the relatively few bad moments seemed like so many/much more than to good one's to my girlfriend. She couldn't focus on the positive aspects of our life together.

    I am lonely man, so lonely.
     
  9. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    It's exactly like that. I mean, we had sooo many fun times as well as some very sweet romantic things that we did together. And we never ever went to sleep without saying "I love you" to one another, regardless if we had just been fighting.

    Most of the time, we were happy and playing video games and laughing about a stupid episode of Star Trek or something... It's just, the bad times would really suck, and to her it negated anything positive that had ever happened, that I cherished. Though we only fought around that time of the month, and I was too stubborn to realize that you just have to let your girl win in those situations.

    And there were a couple of times where she said or did something that really hurt me, though that wasn't the intention in any of the cases, it just left echoes of something that could have been a deeper problem that I always tried to figure out and resolve with her, but she would get pissed at me about something else that really didn't matter, and then we would fight about that and never get to the deeper issues.

    She hates dealing with things and just tries to find a quick way out, and I never know how to say what it is I'm really feeling, I'm just not articulate enough. Combine these two things, and our fights become very difficult, and never really resolve anything, and just carry over into the next time of the month. So if you calculate all the months we were together, and subtract a few months because we were all happy and fun before we started having fights (about when we said we loved each other,) we had about 48 fights.

    What sucks is, I finally thought the fights were getting somewhere. We had finally begun to start listening to each other more carefully, and even get somewhere when we fought. I began to realize that certain things I was doing and that she were doing were just miscommunication and taken the wrong way. And I even began to find ways to avoid future issues. It's just... there always seemed to be more that neither one of us could either say, or knew how to say.

    Sigh, then after it ended, to find out that I wasn't doing it for her, and that she probably never found me attractive, and is living the life I always wanted to live with her and that she was able to say all these kinds of things to faceless and nameless people on THIS message board, but never to me.. when I may have been able to do something about it to make it better, just eats me alive every day.

    The only saving grace, is that she didn't mean for it to be like this, that she did love me at some point, possibly as recently as I left. But, after that last kiss, I watched her walk away.. and when she didn't look back, I kinda had fears that something terrible was wrong with us, and that she may not be there when I got back. I kept thinking "Please look back, sweetie. Please look back."

    But from that day on, she hasn't.

    All I have are some really great memories of my soul mate, but it sure feels like they pale in comparission to everything I've lost and everything that she is gaining by my losses. I've lost not only her love, but her friendship, her family, her friends, her pets even, and she's getting to go out more and do the things I had always hoped we would do together, once she was allowed to live a little more (her parents kept a huge leash on her that is probably the main reason our relationship ended this way,)
    and I just feel extremely cheated out of the one life I had always wanted. Like you said, she was my fiance and my best friend. She was my whole life.

    Everything I've had to give, gave up long ago when I lost her.

    Now, I'm with you man... lonely, and unsure of how life is going to turn out from now on, and wether I truly even want to bother with it if she's not going to be at the center of it.

    The only thing I have, that is really keeping me from doing something stupid, is that.. I finally really do know who I am, what I want, what I'm capable of, and what I really feel for her.

    If she only knew... If only I could tell her..

    Well, I've been writing for a while now and have things to do today (to keep myself busy) so I will leave you with two phrases that are the only words of advice that have ever really meant anything to me:

    Noone knows what the future will bring. If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Your future is whatever you make it, so make it a good one.

    Love is all that matters. ;)
     
  10. lovedog

    lovedog New Member

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    that is not the end of life

    he big man why will you kill yourself on a lady, i really understand your feeling but you gat to take it easy, life is a paradox when any thing comes your way learn to take it ,learn to take courage on what you can not change .forget totally about her, forget the past totally launch to your future with new faith hope and love . learn to nuture a new and better relationship.lastly it is not too good having sex where others can have access to your privacy.
     
  11. Stiffy

    Stiffy New Member

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    Wow man. I feel sorry for you, for when first reading your passage, thats all I wanted my life to be like. Happyness everyday and loveness.

    I feel sorry for you man..
     
  12. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    I havent been posting here in a while, so I wanted just to ask how your handling it Bill? I thought I was having problems right now, but rereading that reminded me things could always be worse.
     
  13. Billman

    Billman New Member

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    Location:
    Las Vegas and San Diego
    Eehhh...

    I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've come to realize that I've got a pretty decent new situation with my job, and I have a lot going for myself. I've tried dating and just don't feel like another woman is really the answer I need right now. I mean, sure I would love to meet someone, but it's not killing me or taking up all of my free time like it was. The only thing that's really bothering me these days is: I miss my best friend. I miss hearing her laugh at my stupid jokes, or tell me some amusing thing her little brother did. And sometimes there are places I go or things I do that don't feel right doing without her.

    But I'm doing better.
     
  14. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Thats good to hear.