A complicated one

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by lmndke, Dec 2, 2006.

  1. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    Hi,

    I don't think I could describe myself and my situation completely without writing an enormous thesis, so please don't assume too much as my situation seems very unique as am I.

    I'm a guy. Am very masculine externally, but very balanced psychologically. not ur average sports watching, beer drinking type, more artistic and philosophical. I have internally sides that are very masculine, but some also that I find mostly in women.

    I'm extremely straight and have never experimented with homosexuality or even had one second of desire to try it.

    I've been in a relationship for 3 years, living together for one.

    Sexually, have quite a bit of friction currently.

    I've been in many relationships, but not many longer than 6 months.

    The sex has always always great, never had a complaint for my performance, I'm very giving, very well endowed, and could always deliver multiple orgasms.

    My problem is in my balanced side. Personality and non-sexual behavior of the other usually effects my sexual desires quite a bit.

    When life begins to settle in a relationship and you have to deal with other elements of a persons personality and behavior, and I get taken for granted, or someone behaves selfishly, or acts negatively, it greatly effects my sexual desire for the other person.

    At this point I can still become aroused but can not orgasm. Sex feels about as orgasm inspiring as washing dishes.

    For a guy this is difficult because you can't fake an orgasm and are forced to deal with the reality.

    I have discussed this with my partner, and the things that are turn offs for me, but they seem to make her selfconscious, and insecure about herself, and that seems to add to the problem, as the insecurity and lack of selfconfididence seem also to be a sexual turn off.

    Discussing our problems seems to make the efforts to fix them seem to make our behavior toward each other seem artificial, and again we're at some impass sexually.

    We get along great as pals. She orgasms fine. I don't. She feels self conscious about this, and the vicious circle continues.

    There's a lot more nuanced elements to this, and if you address this with an open mind and not presumutously, I will gladly try to give more details.

    I find my situation difficult because it seems more common for women to be on this side of the fence then men. I have more elements of my psychi such as a need for foreplay in order to orgasm, where she needs little or none and cums very quickly.

    There's a lot more to it all in this but these are the basics, and the big wedge issues.

    I know that's a lot to chew on, but any concerned, constructive, and empathetic/sympathetic advice welcomed.
     
  2. cbrmale

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    Non-orgasm by men is not common, but it happens, and probably for the same reason as some women fail to orgasm, they have other relationship issues on their mind.

    First up, if you are in a long-term monogamous relationship and using condoms, you could try other methods of birth control. The extra stimulation of natural sex is quite noticeable and certainly makes sex more pleasurable, more intimate, and it makes it easier to come. If you are having natural sex already, this advice isn't going to help you.

    You describe yourself as sensitive, and the more things irritate you, the more it affects your desire. Discussion leads to resentment by your partner, and you get affected more. Anyone who is in a long-term relationship gets irritated by their partner over time (I did) until a balance is reached. When you discuss things, use the 'Í' word and make it non-accusational (It is hard for me when I have to budget our finances when things haven't been written in the bank book - for example.)

    Another option might be to go away together for a few days, somewhere beautiful and relaxing for a dirty holiday. Put aside the worries and strife and just have lots of good sex!

    The most positive option would be to seek counselling from a professional qualified psychologist. I have a minor in psychology (social psych mainly), and I know from my studies that sex is a big part of what psychologists study, and psychologists are used to dealing with the sexual issues that spin out from relationship issues. An initial session with you on your own, or perhaps with your partner, may show if this is the way forward for you.

    I guess you could try some of these things in order, and see how it goes.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Look out! The women are lining up at your door!
    A "very giving, very well endowed, and could always deliver multiple orgasms." guy - who is in touch with his sensitive side, is in the house!! Pardon the sound of my light-heartedness, but in a world full of arrogant, bed-swapping people (of BOTH genders), it is refreshing to hear a 'newbie' share his heart with such poignancy.

    I agree with 'cbrmale' in tempering your approach when discussing your 'feelings'.
    Also, 'real life' does play a number on the passion that we first experience. Having been married to the same man for over 29 years, I can attest to the fact that sometimes you must work at keeping the excitement in a relationship. Make plans for something totally out of the ordinary. Don;t talk about anything that would bring you back to 'reality'. Just escape for a while. It is quite refreshing (and stimulating ;) )

    In closing (sorry I am rushing through my response, but it's quite late here ... for an old lady like me :lol ), if the stress level continues, and things continually rub you the wrong way, ruining your sexual appetite, it could indicate an impasse in your relationship. I know you are 36, and you feel you should be settled in by now, but you just may be the exception to the rule. The 'greatest' things in life sometimes take a bit more time that just settling for 'the good'. Staying true to yourself will ensure future happiness and fulfillment.
     
  4. Audioatomica

    Audioatomica New Member

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    I know how you feel, I had this same problem, only it was my friend I'd known for two years. We would have sex all the time and it was great, but the more non-sexual time I spent around her I noticed she was kind of an ass, childish and almost irratating. This really really turned me off. I could get hard no problem, but I couldn't come. It's almost like I sub-conciouslly didn't want to come with her, just because I found her personality so....so very not sexy. She has a great body and she's an awesome person, but the class and seductivity, and all the things I find sexy about her were replaced by her boisteriousness (lol I couldn't put that into an adj.) and fart jokes and overall lack of inteilligence. For me, it was easy to solve, all I had to do, was not have sex with her. But your situation is obviosuly not that easy to solve. CBR and Rose have great advice, but before you go spend money on a therapist or anything like that I'd expierement, like Rose was saying, shake things up a bit. Try differnet kinds of sex, things you've never tried, or try things you love but in new places. Just do things differently and maybe that will take your mind off of everything long enough for you to enjoy yourself. Good luck, and hang in there!
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Okay, being a Libra, I must also look at the other side of the coin....

    Any long-term relationship is going to take some compromise on your part. Not only compromise, but also tolerance. At 36 (sorry about playing the age card again), you may have acquired a touch of "set-in-my-ways" syndrome. If the things that bug you are trivial in nature (i.e. - she leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open all the time.... she never puts the top back on the toothpaste....etc.), I suppose you must weigh what's most important to you: Well-ordered life, or Well-loved life?
    Should you choose the latter, the next step you'll need to master is learning to laugh at her quirks, instead of fuming about them.

    Sex and orgasms are wonderful stress-relievers - - but if you are having trouble with that, then the stress keeps building. Kind of a Catch-22. Living in the same close quarters with another human is not an easy task. It takes effort. Learning to let unimportant things 'roll off your back' is necessary. It's actually quite necessary in all facets of life.
     
  6. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    Thanks for the feedback everyone.

    Audioatomica, you sound the most like you have been there.

    Many have used the term "childish" with her in the past (exes, family, etc.) She seems to be one of these types that's kind of a cameleon. When she first meets someone, she acts like them, so I didn't see this side of her until unfortunately after we moved in together. She seemed very confident and mature when we were dating and not living together.

    As far as taking other advice like
    , can anyone be more specific? She's very kinky, and loves bondage, public sex (there's lots of clubs for this in Germany which we've gone to several times) there's no kink we haven't tried accept swinging and 3somes. (we're both too straight for 3somes, although neither would mind the other going the other way)

    Rose

    Thanks for the comment. Great to get some feedback from an older sexy woman. You sound like you have one of those rare great relationships.

    not it's much deeper than that for my part. more things like hypocrisy(doing things to me she would hate if I did to her), maturity, honesty, deception of financial things, spending without telling the other etc.

    Actually I should add, that I find myself very loose, letting alot slide, but she doesn't, and that also affects me greatly. I think if she didn't and just let things happen as apposed to always being anxious about the things that aren't perfect, it would take a lot of pressure off the situation.


    Seems more a blessing than a curse to me though. The allure of sexual confidence seems to be affected by many women with me, I think because most have resigned themselves to thinking that most men will come up short in some way sexually with them, and when they're with me, they seem more focused on the enjoyment they get, then on keeping their cool and staying sexually desriable and sexually giving themselves. (Just a theory) I feel more like a novelty sometimes than an equal, depending on how good or bad the past experiences of the other were.

    before I met her, I lived alone for 3 years and came home every night with a sigh of release to live alone in peace. All my married friends came clean with the truth that many teens and 20 somethings never consider, that their sex life, especially after having kids is like 10 times a year. But I also have childless friends with the same frequency. I thought "what's the point?"

    I met her and she seemed very different to those in the past, and 3 years of dating seemed to prove it, until we moved in together and another side of her surfaced.

    cbrmale
    no condoms, she's on the pill. she is very kinky and even likes me to cum on her face even if I can't cum inside her, but I still can't cause myself to orgasm at this point, even if I fantasize. I can when alone however. (some may be due to the fact that at this point, I've been having penetration sex for quite some time and am both tired and a bit raw.

    I don't think that would get my mind of the issues

    also what I've been thinking for a while. i was hoping someone had some other advice about vicious cirlces and how to get out of them. when we try to appease the other to get out of it, it comes across mechanical and artificial and doesn't seem to change anything.

    thanks again everyone :)

    any other angles or thoughts welcomed.
     
  7. loveit247

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    Seriously, it sounds to me like the relationship has become a chore to you. Maybe you should look at moving on? I hate to be a kiljoy but really, by the way you are speaking it sounds like it is dead to you already.
     
  8. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    not at all, thanks for the straight dope. ;)

    it's just that

    1. living abroad complicates things.

    2. we also have not consulted outside help, and although that may not help, or they may offer the same advice,I just wanted to look past my own subjective view and see if there was something to get past this block.

    It seems not that difficult to me, if she could just calm down and not be so anvious about things, relax, and gather some self esteem, things could normalize. I'm not looking for perfection.

    I was hoping that someone had gone through this and found that time made things settle as people got used to each other, but as of now, time just seems to create a bigger rift. Time has made some of her behavior less shocking to me, but I still roll my eyes quite a lot feeling like I'm living with a female Homer Simpson, as apposed to getting upset by the situation. Either way, it's not a breeding ground for good sexual feelings.
     
  9. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Hi Imndke

    Firstly I have to say how impressed I am to see such great advice given so far.

    Here is my input:

    Your postings suggest to me that you are an exceptionally deep and thoughtful person. And very analytical of yourself and of your partner.

    If I am correct on that front, then you have something in common with me mate!

    For me personally, in my younger days, I lost countless sexual opportunities with girls simply by being too much that way for my own good. Ok that isn’t your existing situation as you have the opportunity right there for you. But the point might be relevant.

    It is my personal opinion from what you have said, that this whole thing is a mind trick that is working against you at the moment. Vicious circle? Definitely. But only until you find the way to break out of it - and you definitely can.

    I don’t believe that your current relationship has run its course, far from it. You have said enough about your woman to make me think that the ingredients are there for a great mutual sexual relationship.

    For some men (and it might be the minority), achieving orgasm with a partner needs that amazing and almost unexplainable feeling of being at one with them.

    That feeling includes total relaxation and total trust in their body and soul.

    That feeling gives the trigger for the ultimate release of orgasm.

    It can be a delicate balance for those inclined that way. A balance that is very easily upset as I suspect yours is right now.

    Am I on the right track with you?

    If not, read no further.

    If I am on the right track, here are some suggestions that might help you:

    (1) Firstly, both of you need to take the focus away from YOU achieving orgasm through intercourse.
    (2) Step away from feeling the need to be critical of your partner. Some of the current criticisms are probably derived from the sexual aspect judging from your postings. And that only exasperates the situation.
    (3) Step back both of you, and enjoy the great things about what you currently share. That will enable both of you to see things in a much more positive way. It might surprise you both to appreciate that you have great things in common.
    (4) On the sexual front physically, engage in plenty of foreplay without the prior expectation of penetration and perceived pressure for your orgasm. At the point when you are very hard and excited, suggest that you pleasure yourself to the point of no return. Once you reach that point, have her bring you off in her hand, mouth, pussy or what ever she wants.

    Once the pressure is off and once you know that you can cum with her finally finishing you off, the vicious cycle will be broken.

    It is a mind trick I am certain.

    One that you can resolve with your current partner.

    Good luck buddy!
     
  10. cbrmale

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    There are two possibilites with this relationship. One is that it really isn't travelling well and isn't meant to be. The other is that we ALL go through a phase of getting annoyed with our partners and the little irritating things they did, no matter how much we love and adore them now. It takes a while to find equilibrium, to understand that they have habits that you need to accept, and for your partner to accept things in yourself. I know, it happened with us, and it's happened to everyone.

    The true crux of it is away from the little annoying things, is she the most beautiful perfect creature on earth, did you feel that way about her and do you think you could feel that way again? If so, then you have a chance. But if she never ever filled you heart and soul with desire and passion, then maybe your non-orgasm is a little deeper than being annoyed with the woman who sometimes doesn't put the top on the toothpaste tube.
     
  11. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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  12. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Good morning, "lmndke". Time for your morning session. :lol (j/k)

    I read with interest your mention of her family history of elation/rejection cycles (and their subsequent denial of any apparent problem). Now, I'm definitely not a socio/psychological professional, but I do know that patterns of behavior are often repeated down through generations. And I also know that usually, in order to break the cycle, some sort of professional intervention is necessary.

    You have shown to truly care for this woman. I believe that with that kind of support, she can recognize the problem, decide to change thought patterns leading to the problem, and, in time, become the person that she was (and that you brought out in her) when you were courting.

    Relationship-behavior is a stronghold in so many areas. Some, more harmful than others (i.e. child abuse, spousal abuse, etc.). But the pattern of 'revelation' seems to be the same. In most cases, the person doesn't reveal the symptoms until after the relationship has moved up a couple levels. It's not like her behavior is going to land someone in the hospital, but it is hurtful, none the less.

    So, what I'm saying is that I believe professional help is going to be your best bet. Hopefully, she is williing. Her family will probably not be much of a support system, so you'll have to carry the brunt. From your posts, it looks like 'caring. kindness, and communication' are your strongpoints, so I think you'll do fine. Good luck, friend!

    :rose
     
  13. lmndke

    lmndke New Member

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    Thanks Rose,

    I think this is the route also.

    She got a bit unsettled when I've brought this up before, becasue of reasons stated earlier, she views admitting to a problem focuses on the problem, and that makes her nervous.

    Recently though she has found out that most of her friends have had to get some psychological counseling this year for issues in their lives, and doesn't feel so singled out and stigmatized.

    The problem now is getting her to pick up the phone and do it. She has a tendency to feel better and think she's over things until the monster rears it's head again, then talks about getting help, then feels better and round and round. I try not to pressure her buy asking constantly "when are you going to call the psychologist?" The balance of letting her do it of her own accord and being supportive of her doing this is a hard line to walk.

    I would also like to get some counseling together.
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Probably, after she's been in counseling for a bit, you will be invited to the sessions (at least some of them), to help build your relationship further. The counselor will probably even want to meet with you alone some, too.

    As far as getting her to make that initial call, she needs to know that your future together depends on it.
     
  15. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Imndke

    This fascinating set of postings has made me rethink on my comments + advice.

    I am now minded to completely agree with Rose.

    Professional help should be you next option.

    This forum whilst brilliant, is in my opinion insufficient to take this much further.

    It is time for one on one talk with a professional.
     
  16. Bluesy

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    Agreed. I think you're well within your rights to issue an ultimatum. I admire your perseverance, but, at the same time, there's nothing good about martyring yourself for someone you care about, and nothing good ever comes of it.