21 years old, and still a virgin!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Makesmewonder, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    Hi, I'm a newbie here so bare with me. I'm a 21 year old guy, a bit on the chubby side and I don't consider myself exactly attractive. I'm still a virgin, not only regarding sex, but also regarding dating or any sort of contact with girls (like kissing). I feel like a loser, especially since all of my friends are in a stable relationship or have had a sexual relationship before. And I notice that, in a lot of places, if you're still a virgin at 19, it's already really bad. There must be something really wrong with me, but I don't know what. And yes I am very shy, and my self-esteem isn't exactly high up. I'm also a geek. Am I a future "40 year old virgin?" Thanks for listening.
     
  2. igor

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    Hey - you're not alone. There are others out there like you. While I had kissed a few gals by that age I never had sex til I was 21..
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Not necessarily. There's plenty of men your age that are still virgins. Granted, you find many of them on here, but you've certainly come to the right place to get good solid advice!

    You mentioned a couple things about yourself that you feel are perhaps contributing to your lack of self-assurance. My first thought is to use this time in your life to work on those things that you CAN control. If you feel you're "a bit on the chubby side", then it sounds like you think that might be one reason you haven't appealed to someone yet. Are you able to work on trimming down? Not only will it do your body good, it will also work wonders for your mental and emotional stamina. A regular exercise regiment (no need to go for the "body-builder" stuff) like 30 minutes a day of sweat-inducing aerobics (jogging, biking, swift walking along hilly terraine...) is great! After a few weeks, add 15 minutes (a few days a week) to tone those love handles, etc.

    Pertaining to your shyness: that, too, is rooted in your self-esteem. Perhaps you could find a group/class where others in your same position are working to better themselves in this area. Or grab a couple books on practical ways to overcome the problem.

    Geek: Whatever you do, DON'T change that!! One day, you're going to be quite successful, and nothing exudes 'sexiness' like a successsful man. By the way, "geeks" have come of age, if you know what I mean. An intelligent, poised, thoughtful man is quite an aphrodisiac these days ;)

    Bottom line is this: improve in areas that make YOU feel more confident about YOURSELF. When you believe in yourself, others will easily do the same.
     
  4. Dreama

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    First off, if you go round with a 'there's something wrong with me, and I'm unattractive' attitude, girls pick up on that! We like guys who are confident in themselves. I bet I'm not wrong in saying that you're probably not as unattractive as you think you are! And, if you really feel unattractive, do things to make yourself feel attractive. Get a snazzy new haircut, get a few new clothes. Hold your head up high. Plus, if your a geek, that's awesome. I for one, love smart men....Guys who want to learn things are really awesome, and guys who know a lot about things are awesome. In fact, I married what some might call a geek. Part of what I love about him is his appetite for learning about everything, and that he is an intelligent guy who can have a decent conversation with me. And, be up for new things. Go where you might not usually go, don't be afraid to have fun with people you don't even know. Just be happier with yourself in general, and I bet you'll start getting more female attention. Don't despair, and keep your chin up!
     
  5. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    Thanks for the kind replies so far! The last time I posted this up on another forum, I got a bunch of replies saying "Virgin = FAIL".
    I'm currently on a diet and I've lost close to 44 pounds (I'm 183), though I'm currently not following my diet so closely. I'm also a bit short (5.5). I'm a lot happier with my body now than what I was a year ago, and a lot of clothes fit me better. Another problem that I have is that I'm really negative and paranoid, always afraid that I've said or did something wrong and people (especially girls) will end up hating me or thinking I'm a jerk. I also signed up on a dating site affiliated with this website called "Amateur Match". I've got plenty of messages, but I don't trust it fully, especially since you need to pay to be able to message other people. Can I trust it? Are the messages real? If they are, then I'm becoming more popular that I thought I would.
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I imagine "AmatureMatch" is for real. If nothing else, you can surely hone your interaction skills without fear of face-to-face rejection. If nothing pans out for you there, at least use it as a learning tool.

    Caring about other's feelings is not a 'problem'. It's called sensitivity!

    So now, we have learned that you are an intelligent, caring and sensitive man.... who, at 5'5" and 183 LBs, is still slicing off those extra FEW pounds (though perhaps, by your own admission, a bit slower now? :lol ) Hey - I'm married to a man that's 5'5", and 183 LBs is not too far from a healthy weight. Charts suggest 165 LBs, but I've seen Thorn get around 170, and I thought he looked too skrawny! He didn't have any butt cheeks for me to grab onto :brow I liked him mostly around 175 or so. Just my humble opinion, mind you.
     
  7. cook74

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    Just an idea. (That I in no way endorse or condone :D)

    If this is illegal in your country then forget it!

    Have you tried an escort? I am not talking about taking a drive down to your local street corner here. I am talking about a professional house of ill repute :dgrin

    They can be discreet, gentle, obliging and they could even show you a thing or two. It could do wonders for your confidence as well.

    Again I stress if this is illegal in your country then you should stay away, but in my country and many others these places are legal and popular.

    I hope I don't get to much censure for this post as I believe it is one of the possible answers.
     
  8. Dreama

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    You sound like you're very handsome! My husband is also around your weight, and though he is a few inches taller, he's perfect. That's a fine weight to be, and what an accomplishment you've already made! And as Rose said, there is nothing wrong about caring how others feel. Just learn how to be much more confident in yourself! I'd personally recommend meeting a girl in real life, but whatever works for you is ultimately what you should do. But if you're having doubts, it might not be the best choice.
     
  9. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    Actually escorts are vey much legal in my country, and yes I know what kind of escorts you're talking about. I just... want to avoid that. I don't want to have to pay for sex, or company for that matter. Besides, money isn't very much :D. Though, I might consider it if it really helps me. And thanks for the compliment Dreama, it really lifted my spirits.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dude...here's some wisdom from an old guy for ya. [Now, ladies don't beat me up if you don't agree with this part, OK?] Many women (not all) are very sexually attracted to "bad boys"...BUT...the men they know in their hearts and minds to be the keepers are the "nice guys". Got it? The good news is: you sure sound like a "nice guy".

    I was 19 before I first had sex. I was geek boy (skinny geek boy)...freshman year in college I had my first lay...I had tape on my glasses at the time. I'm not kidding. I said to my self, "Self, that was good...I want some more!" After that first lay, I decided to polish up a bit (contacts, nicer clothes, better haircut, work out, etc).

    Something I think is important is to totally be yourself...I believe that people respect that. I can smell a phoney in seconds flat, and most people can.

    Go search on a couple of threads..."what woman want" and there was another one (anybody remember the name?)...IIRC all the women here on :sf (yes, half of the freaky horn-dogs who hang out on here talking about sex all day! :brow) said the most attractive things about a man are a big heart and a sense of humor (I think a couple may have said handsome face also). Sexual knowledge and prowess was in the middle, but don't sweat that...ya gotta start somewhere. Body wasn't high on the list, and (thank goodness you didn't even ask) penis size and shape were dead last on the list. Sounds like you're off to a great start, my friend.

    It sounds like you already have a great heart...I'd say work on your sense of humor next and continue to get your body in shape. I have to bite my tongue in public to not say some outrageous stuff sometimes (and it's usually something pretty hysterical), and have always had to...but the older I get the less I care about biting my tongue. :dgrin:D I realize things like wit and sarcasm just come naturally to some of us :eyes, but everyone can have a great sense of humor. Worst case, get started by just memorizing a bunch of dirty jokes. :p Any time a funny thought pops into your head, say it if you're not around someone who will crucify you for it. If you see an attractive woman smile at you, don't be afraid to just tell her that you think she's attractive...be respectful in how you do it (don't say something like "nice ass, baby" unless you already know her pretty darned well!), but don't be afraid to express an opinion. Talk to everyone, male or female, flirt to some extent with all women (young or old, babies and little old ladies, attractive or not)...they'll all get a kick out of it, and you'll become so comfortable with talking and flirting that it'll just become second nature. (This is actually nearly impossible for me NOT to do...I grew up around mostly women.) Be uninhibited in what you say (within reason of course...don't get yourself into trouble at work, etc.!). I'll answer just about any question someone asks me, and I'll ask just about any question that pops into my mind...I just don't have much of that filter for what's inappropriate to talk about, and I'm actually glad that I don't...it makes for some quite interesting and unexpected conversations sometimes.

    Don't be afraid to have female friends either...you don't have to just hang out with the guys. There's some great things about having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex...they can advise you on relationship matters, I've found that the women friends in my life help keep me out of trouble, and who knows...some of your female friends might decide they want to do ya :brow.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  11. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Have you had a girlfriend yet? I'd say that's a first step! Remember everyone is self critical! Look around you! There must be some girl who thinks her legs are too skinny or her nose is too big, who wonders if she will end up a 40 year old virgin too! Invite her out! And do plenty of hand jobs before the real thing!
     
  12. cbrmale

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    I'll echo what the girls have said that most women are drawn to men who are mature and confident, so enough said there. Being short isn't a big issue (I'm 167cm), because (and this is true) that some of my past girls initially thought I was taller than I really am purely because they sensed my positive attitude towards life and love.

    In terms of the escort, you should think about it. This has the potential to lift an emotional burden from your shoulders, and once lifted real girls may notice the difference. I've paid for sex myself in my younger years between relationships, and later when travelling. The escorts in our country, or at least the good ones, are very nice ladies who are generally a pleasure to be with.

    I don't want you to go down a part you are very uncomfortable with, but if you think you can handle paying for sex then it may make a bigger difference to your emotional attitude and how others pick up on that attitude than you realise.
     
  13. Bluesy

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    Please don't go the escort route. They aren't tested for all STDs, and contracting something like Herpes is only going to make your dating life that much more complicated and difficult. (Approximately 1 in 5 people are infected, infection risk is directly proportionate to number of partners, and which women have the most partners? Prostitutes, that's who.) Besides that, you really don't want to have to confess to a loved one someday that you once slept with a prostitute. Not all women would be kosher with that.

    Hang in there, babe. Take good care of yourself physically, work on your self-esteem (get into counseling if you have to--it's nothing to be ashamed of!), and before you know it you're going to meet a fabulous woman :tup
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    My advice? Copy and Paste this whole thread. Print it out and seal it in an envelope. Label it "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL APRIL, 2018"

    That's 10 years.... come back and read our replies...

    I'm sure you and your lovely SO will have a wonderful laugh..... just promise me that you'll break open a good bottle of champagne and present a toast to :sf
    Cuz I think you are a diamond in the rough, babe! :tup
     
  15. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    The LOVE way is the BEST way!

    Bluesy is right! Paying your way out of virginity seems rather pathetic! Your "first time" should be something special. Something that you'll treasure with nostalgia in in years to come! Do you know that old song "We gotta get you a women!" 1970s? Look around! I'm sure she's waiting for you!

    And let us know how it goes!
     
  16. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    Yeah, I've been thinking about that... paying my way out of virginity is pathetic to say the least. There were some fathers that would take their son to a prostitute as their 16th bday gift, but that seems incredibly machist (sp?).
    I've been told that one of the reasons I've got nothing is that, deep dwon, I'm afriad of dating and sex. And it's sort of true... I imagine my first time to be very awkward. I don't know what do, how to do it, and do it right. Not to mention that I would probably be finished as soon as a boob pops out. Remember the first American Pie? Yeah, I have a strong feeling that would be me.
     
  17. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    My SO was a virgin when we first met and I remember he had very similar ideas about sex. He was convinced that on his first time he would come within seconds. He thought it would be awkward as hell. All he needed was a patient and experienced partner (me) to lovingly guide him through his first time and make it as memorable an experience as possible. Not only did he not come within seconds, but he managed to last several minutes on the first time. I think the fact that I'm older than him helped a lot. I knew exactly what to expect and what to do. Maybe you should seek out an older woman on an online dating website and be completely up front about what you need. Tell her immediately that you want to lose your virginity. I guarantee that some women will be turned on by that and more than willing to help you out.

    Good luck!
     
  18. Makesmewonder

    Makesmewonder New Member

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    I don't wanna sound like I'm complicating or anything, but dating sites are payed and, not only I'm struggling with cash (so far... I'm looking for a job) I've been strongly advised against dating sites, because they're "fake" and only exist to drain us from money. I'm just... not sure. I'm all up for it, but... God I must sound like the greatest dweeb.
     
  19. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    Don't let the fun pass you over

    This is from a guy that used to be very very very shy so listen up my friend.You have to start saying WHAT THE FUCK which means you can not worry about what others think about what you say or how you act you just do it,if you see somebody you are interested in just go for because there is a 99% chance you will never see that woman again.I had two roommates in college that were serious players and they said anything that came to mind plus they treated the girls terrible but they always had women,while I was mr nice guy and had a lot of women that were friends but no girlfriend or sex so I had to change which I did and I picked up me wife in a bar 19 years ago.
    I have a friend that is about 350 pounds or more and his wife looks like a super model because he is funny as hell and I have another friends that is short and because he will talk to anybody he has always had a woman or could pick one up no problem so its all about personality.
    I look back at all the girls that showed interest years ago and I was to darn shy so I missed out on some good times and good memories so don't do the same and just SAY WHAT THE FUCK and go for it.
     
  20. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    I'd have to agree with most of what Ctown said...except the nice guy part. If you just want to get laid, then yeah, become a "bad boy"...if you are looking for a relationship that includes sex, then stay a "nice guy". I was basically a nice guy throughout college, and except for a "dry spell" my sophomore year (actually, I think it was about last half of freshman year plus first half of sophomore year), I can't recall ever being without a girlfriend for very long. Most of them weren't serious girlfriends, but there was only one that never had sex with me...and she was so very affectionate that I wasn't upset about that. I just never could find it in my heart to treat someone badly just because I could...ya know?

    Other than that, just speak up...talk, don't be afraid to approach women...the worst thing that someone can possibly tell you is "no", and even the dudes who are the major handsome body builders get shot down a lot of the time (probably because women tend to think they are only looking for a lay, whether they are or not...you might actually fair better than the body builder types if you have a good sense of humor).

    But definitely don't lose that "nice guy" mentality...that will make you an excellent hubby and perhaps an excellent dad someday. Real women like those thoughts.

    BD
     
    #20 BassDude, Apr 14, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2008