Understanding Fetishes

All people, except for the most sexually crippled, have a fetish, yes even you. Because a fetish is just a sexual interest that is different from the sexual interest of someone else, therefor relying on perspective.

My FB friend Kelley posts a list of fetishes on her blog daily. It was while reading these posts that I came to a deep understanding of how fetishes can enhance or destroy a relationship.

I've created a theory that I think will explain how fetishes have real impact on any relationship.

Let me start with some classification. There are two top level types of fetishes.

Visual fetishes - these are the most common, so common in fact that you probably don't even recognize them as a fetish. This classification includes things like hair color, eye color, breast size, fitness, pregnant, ethnicity, attire, costumes, hairy, shaved, scents like perfume, etc. The list could go on but I think you can continue that on your own.

Active fetishes - these tend to be more segmented. Some are outright frowned upon, others are more widely accepted. They include things like; positions (missionary -doggie etc), oral sex, anal sex, toys (vibrators), domination, bondage, spanking, group sex, urination, enemas, genital abuse, piercing, asphyxiation, again the list goes on but you get the point.

So what classification does your fetish fit into? Perhaps you are interested in several of these fetishes, it's OK, so is just about everyone else.

If you are stumbling on the word fantasy vs fetish, don't, we tend to use the word fantasy in place of fetish because it puts the fetish out of reach, so we don't have to confront it. If it's a fantasy we relegate it to our imagination and it's easier to live without. But if it's a fetish then it is some inherent desire that we would like to actually satisfy. Same thing, different perspective.
Let's start with visual fetishes. Some visual fetishes are actually harder to manage then active fetishes because they often relate to things your current partner is not, or for your partner, things that you are not, and this is the reason that we rarely talk about our true visual fetishes with our partners.

Seriously if one of your fetishes is black men, and your current partner is not a black man are you really going to tell your partner that? Of course not, because there is no way that your partner can change that trait. However many visual fetishes can be managed by changing minor traits like hair color, eye color (contacts), costumes, shaving waxing etc, but we still don't talk about them.

Active fetishes are much easier to accomplish in the confines of a current relationship but almost unimaginably harder to talk about. Why? Because we are afraid due to social stigma that our partner will see us as wrong or freakish.

Can you ruin a relationship by talking about your fetishes? Absolutely.
Can you ruin a relationship by not talking about your fetishes? Almost certainly.

All fetishes have one thing in common. They require your sexual partner to fit into a role that they probably do not naturally fit into, and this is the secret nature of the fetish. The fetish, what ever is, has a root, and the root is: The desire to feel appreciated, often in a completely selfish way.

An example.
A man's fetish is that he enjoys receiving blow jobs more then having sex. The reason is not because it feels better, though that is probably what he will tell his partner or even lie to himself. The reason is that it is slightly, or even fully undesirable to his partner. So when the partner does give him oral sex they are giving something more of themselves, therefore making the man feel appreciated.

This works in reverse as well, if a woman enjoys giving blow jobs more then having sex it is often because of the appreciation she receives from her partner being more genuine then during sex.

Another example
A woman's fetish is that she prefers completely shaved men. Her desire to be with shaved men stems from an idea that a shaved man has put some effort into being pleasing to her desire, and therefore what he does to her sexually will be more stimulating, and she will feel appreciated.

Again in reverse a man who shaves everything understands that he is doing it for his partner and that she will be more stimulated because of his effort, that extra stimulation will make him feel appreciated.

It's hard to see this in some of the more hardcore fetishes like genital abuse, why on earth would a man feel appreciated by having his balls stepped on, but the answer is still the same, he feels appreciated because his partner is willing to cross the line of what they consider normal, for him. Appreciation.

Fetishes - as destructive to a relationship.

Having a fetish is a powerful thing, it creeps into your mind. For some it enters their thoughts every day, for others once in a while, but regardless of it's frequency it is still powerful, and important.

Having a fetish is an itch that a person desires to scratch, and not scratching causes tension, even when relegated to the "fantasy" category. It's so hard to share fetishes with partners because of, fear. We are afraid we will loose that relationship or somehow spoil it. But not having that fetish satisfied causes spite. Spite that can not be controlled.

An un-shared fetish is a fetish that can not be fulfilled, and a unfulfilled fetish, will often cause a person to be unsatisfied with their current partner over time, and spiteful (as stupid as it is) that their partner did not read their mind and satisfy that desire.

Many people cheat, not because they do not care about their partner, but because they see no way to satisfy their fetish with their partner, and it requires someone else that naturally fits into that desire to satisfy them. The reason they cheat rather then end the first relationship, varies, but often times relates to each partner satisfying differnet fetishes, hence the statement "but I love both of you". No in fact, they feel appreciated in different ways by each partner, they could be perfectly satisfied with a single partner if that partner were capable of fulfilling multiple fetishes.

Many relationships end because of sexual fetish frustration, but as we will see in the next segment, it does not have to be that way.
Fetishes - as a relationship enhancer

If a person is in a relationship they probably can name some things they like about their partner, they can also name a few things they don't like as well. Some of the things they don't like may, if completely honest with themselves, relate to not having one or more of their fetishes satisfied. So what to do?

Coming to terms with a fetish is sometimes hard to do. Admitting desire for sex that other people consider odd or distasteful, has been the source of many a therapy session. But getting around that, can be, not only liberating, but vitally essential to having good relationships.

Once a person can admit to themselves that they desire a fetish, the next step is to decide what to do about it. There are really only three choices.

• Ignore it and relegate it to a fantasy - this will eventually cause spite for current partners as the fetish goes unfulfilled.
• Seek out a partner that naturally satisfies this fetish. - this will likely end any relationship the person is currently in.
• Or talk about the fetish, explain that the fetish is important to them, and ask their partner to participate.

In my opinion ignoring the fetish has no value and should not be done. Options two and three both have possibilities as well as draw backs.

Obviously with seeking out a new partner any current relationship is going to suffer. Except in the case where talking to the current partner has evolved into an understanding, that it may require another partner, to satisfy the fetish. This rarely happens, and it's unfortunate. However sometimes finding a new partner is just the thing to make a person feel appreciated, and there is nothing wrong with that. However I suggest that when seeking a new partner a person should have a real understanding of their own desires first, or they will likely end up repeating the cycle. They should try to find someone who is willing and capable to satisfy all of their fetishes, or is willing to allow the person to satisfy those desires elsewhere, and that they can communicate those fetishes with.

Being able to communicate sexual desires is a special gift. Our parents, school, minister, friends, everyone has told us all of our lives that certain things are not acceptable to talk about, that certain language is profane. But they jam that on us without telling us that it is dependant on circumstance, and we hobble through life believing that talking about sex with our partners is wrong. When in fact it is one of the most important things we can do in a relationship.

Great sex and the fulfulment of fetishes starts with acceptance and is best completed with communication.

I absolutely love the way you write. Cant wait to read more of your writing !!!!

Thank you awakened I have a few stories in the literature sections too hope you enjoy them

Very thought provoking....
Thanks for posting MP.....

thank you I appreciate the feedback

Great article! And I agree that it is best to share sexual desires with our partner... but what if he listens patiently and then says, "It's just not my thing"?

What do we do then if we don't want to find someone else, yet we desperately want to live out - at least to a certain extent - our sexual fantasies and fetishes?

cheat?

I once read that love is not forever saying 'no'. So, if it isn't his thing then he should go along with it regardless, because he loves you. Actually, if you think about the concept of love being about saying yes and giving the most wonderful person in your life a special treat, then it does make a lot of sense. Although there must be boundaries around such things. For me, for example, I would love to have anal sex with my wife which I have had with other women, but I'm not really built for it so it's realistic for me to understand why my wife would be reticent.

There are many fantasies and fetishes, especially visual ones, which won't involve a degree of pain and are therefore within the realm of giving something really special to the person you love. Actually, with a degree of jealousy involved, this is how I got my wife to move from vanilla to slightly kinky. She did things which weren't her thing and, not suprisingly, she enjoyed them immensely. This is because I knew her better than she knew herself, and I knew the fantasy would work for both of us.

Long nails. And my wife's got 'em.

Yes, that is really me in my avatar! You can always check me out on yahoo messenger and see me for yourself.

Well, as my mother used to tell me, All good things come to those who wait !!
This was perfectly true in my marriage of 19 yrs.
A few fetish/fantasy thoughts he asked of me through those years and i simply kept saying NO, some where never even brought to my attention in all those years.
NOW, we made a list ,each of us, and have been having a wonderful time trying them all, at least to some extent.
I love him even more now than I did before realizing how much he wanted from our sexual relationship and how little he asked for and he NEVER went outside our marriage to fill those fetish thoughts.
i am making it up to our marriage now, and oh, what fun it is

It is so important to make sure your partner understands how important your fetishes are to you. If your desire is strong enough to make you go elsewhere to find it you need to let your partner know that. It is like anything else. I am sure your husband lets you know when you do or don't do something that causes him pain. Why should your sexual desires be any different. If you don't tell him how serious you are he can't possibly react to your request with the value it deserves.

*laughs* I said what do we do if we don't want to find someone else!!!

It's hard for him to go along with it when he's not really interested. He's willing to try, but it's not easy because I want him to do things which require using the imagination. I can give him ideas, but in the end it's up to him.

I have told him. Often and in great detail *grins*. He always listens but it's just not what turns him on.

That is why mistresses will always serve a purpose in keeping healthy and happy relationships/marriages.